All Comments on 'A Tangled Web Ch. 02'

Nice second chapter. I hope you don’t take too long for the next one.

Finally the revenge planning can vegin

I do hope there's an end to the store.. You have me hooked. Plz continue........ 🤔😁👍👌

Love it. More please!

Good one!

You have stretched your history so much by all these plots, these secrets, that you are losing track of it.

Sorry but this looks like an implausible situational assembly of stupid characters.

How can a woman at home not see that she is being filmed by a telephone?

I renew my advice to you: keep the scenario simpler and more credible. Add intelligent, mature characters...unlike Cindy who seems to have less brains than a cow.

This chapter had issues. The notion that in the midst of learning of a devastating personal attack from a stranger Dan is getting a hard on from Maggie’s closeness made Dan’s character, at best, a caricature. And, of course, they have sex. Absolutely the likeliest outcome for any two interlinked cheated upon characters in Literotica Land. While I was not too fond of this chapter, the writing was good, until in the last bit it jumped into the present tense: "Dan pulls Maggie to him and kisses her deeply. “ Probably inadvertent, but still jarring. I nevertheless gave it a 4 overall, it held my interest.

Good chapter!

4

This is really good. It's a shame that she let herself be seduced, but she has a brain, and she must know that everything she has done is totally wrong. I can't see how there can be a reconciliation with all she has done. Looking forward to the conclusion.

NO progress... Cindy and Bruce are still sucking in and expelling good air when they should be in boxes by now

So his answer is to have sex wife the wife, so much for the moral high ground

Thanks for the quick update. I really hope Cindy and Bruce get what's coming to them in the next part. Especially Bruce. I know you mentioned redemption, but I truly hope that is NOT in relation to Bruce. Truth be told, he should be put in prison for a very long time for all he's done. But first he needs to be humiliated and lose absolutely everything. His attempted revenge on Dan is ridiculously evil. The man sounds insane.

As for Cindy, I usually prefer reconciliations. But unless Bruce has been continuously drugging her (without her knowledge) I don't see how her marriage has any hope of survival. To have an affair twice a week for a year is bad enough. But to spend the majority of that time badmouthing her husband just takes it to another level. Unforgivable.

The story is ok so far. Please keep names straight. There are a couple of name swaps in here. Also in the "meet cute" story of Dan & Cindy in the first chapter, you used meters instead of yards or feet. If this is supposed to be a mid-west setting, don't use metrics. Sorry to be so petty but these things do distract from the story. Looking forward to the finale.

Still too long of a story. Can get there in a few pages with Part 1.

DOL

M

In chapter one you wrote, 'I have not used an editor, so please get in touch with me if you enjoy the story and want to improve it. I'd consider reposting the story and giving you credit for your work.' Having an editor helps correct many flaws, rereading your story before posting is also good.

From today.

/ "It was taking so long that I only copied Cindy's videos. That's a good point; we should probably preserve everything before deleting his account."

/ Cindy dismissed the thought with a wave of her hand. "No need, I've copied everything already. I only asked because there is another folder containing a file you need to see. We can connect to my account on your laptop, and I'll show you." (that should be Maggie dismissed him)

/ "Dan, Bruce wanted to have sex with Cindy in your marital bed. Is there anything you've thought of that would shed light on whether he did?"

/ "Ugh, Cindy. I've no idea. That's a disgusting thought, though." (Shouldn’t that have been ‘Ugh, Maggie?)

/ Dan thanked Cindy as she coaxed him into sitting up next to her. It felt like Maggie had informed him of a thousand injustices, so he didn't realize she had skipped anything. (Dan was talking to Maggie as confirmed in the next sentence.)

I once wrote a story and when the reviews came in, I contacted on of the complainers (see I hadn't seen the errors that the reader had. That reader went on to advise me on several stories which helped me to improve. Reach out, someone will respond.

So over the top and unbelievable - but isn't that why we come here?

I like it.

The story would be a lot better if you kept the character straight. You call Maggie-Cindy and refer to Dan as Bruce.

Your confusing your readers.

Looking forward to the destruction that will rain down on Bruce. 😈

I hope Cindy gets her own mouthful of feces. What a disgusting bitch.

Looking forward to the destruction that will rain down on Bruce. 😈

I hope Cindy gets her own mouthful of feces. What a disgusting bitch.

Good installment. However, you switch character names several times, which is kinda distracting. Looking forward to the last chapter.

Great story so far. Does Bruce have any redeemable value in his personality? Excited waiting for the next chapter. Thanks for the story!

Wow, you just ruined a very good story! Dan sleeping with Maggie makes him no better than Cindy and Bruce. Infidelity is infidelity no matter what the circumstances. Dan has lost any moral high ground he held. He has no right to confront Cindy or try to burn Bruce. You really had a decent story going, so disappointed you ruined it with making Dan a cheater too. It is also inconsistent with Dan having drugs in his body that kill his sex drive. That is a huge miss, but not as bad as how the story was trashed by his actions in about four paragraphs.

So far so good can't wait for the revenge

Ok, thanks for allowing us to read your stories in return for our critique.

First, you are a skilled writer and I think will get even better.

However you are falling into the same habit as many writers on here, and that is having normal characters suddenly acting abnormal. The Cindy that you describe, who was smart enough to graduate college would not be suddenly stupid enough to do the things she did. And she wouldn't suddenly become an evil bitch that put down a husband that she loved like that either.

You are a grammatically a very good writer. What you need in your stores is situations that enrage the reader, turn their stomach and let them feel the emotion of the characters. Get that into your stories and you will soar in the praise you get.

Very interesting story, keeps me reading altho you've created the most villainous character ever. Bruce doesn't need to be SO abhorrent or so vengeful. Please pay more attention to the names. Each character is clearly defined, so when you keep messing up and putting their names in the wrong spot it really takes away from the flow. Still, it's a 4.

Well, Dan finally developed some balls when the reader least expected it! (When he was being given estrogen pills!!) Telling his Boss that he quit is the first thing written about him that showed he could exert himself. All those years working and winning big clients and he didn't have the balls to ask, then DEMAND, a substantial salary increase. That just showed how talented he was PLUS how pathetically weak he was, not to understand his own worth to the Company.

Even now, under the influence of female hormones, I'm sure he will be a weak and pathetic pussy when he confronts his cheating slut wife. We will see. Oh, well written, so thank you for the story. Cheers.

Targeted or not she happily went along with Bruce’s nonsense, hubby finds out it’s a long term thing and his thoughts are ‘I’ve got to try to salvage the marriage’. Fantasy site or not that’s just bollocks.

No matter, the way this is written it’s reconciliation all the way.

Why would the author even broach the idea of Dan trying to "save my marriage"? Fucking Bruce for a year, lying and cheating all that time isn't even worth the thought of reconciliation. I can only imagine that the author is enough of a closeted faggot to find a way to emasculate Dan to the point that raac is possible.

Well done! Can’t wait for chapter 3

I'll wait until you can finish this. Revenge delayed through 8 pages of reading makes the cuck a true emotional and physical wimp. It is impossible to respect his character or the flagrant stupidity of his wife. Your writing is grammatically 5 stars, but your story so far is a very strongly dislike. At least in "The Count of Monte Cristo" his jail time was spent productively. Nothing productive here so far.

I'll wait until you can finish this. Revenge delayed through 8 pages of reading makes the cuck a true emotional and physical wimp. It is impossible to respect his character or the flagrant stupidity of his wife. Your writing is grammatically 5 stars, but your story so far is a very strongly dislike. At least in "The Count of Monte Cristo" his jail time was spent productively. Nothing productive here so far.

Great story!!!! Let's wait for the final chapter 3!!

Still better than most other authors could produce. Like some others mentioned, get with a good proofreader, and solicit an editor from other LW writers. These things should help with continuity, plausibility, and redundancy... Good effort.

I like it. There's too much rehash, but it's easy to read.

To many inconsistencies in your story. First off was the the seduction that took oh so long to accomplish. Bs he was groping her breaststroke on the first day, on the 4th he gave her a organism, after that he was ducking her. Wow long seduction, for a prostitute.

The other wife you painted her as young inexperienced and innocent. She came from a religious background with her self and parents extremely conservative. Yet surprise, surprise she has barbells in her nipples. You also had them having sex the second time they met.

I think the only person that you could identify with (as the author) is big bad Bruce. Nice guy for a nut job.

Congrats, m-auteur, you’ve really whacked the ole hornet’s nest and are getting stung a lot, mostly by people who couldn’t write an acceptable creative story if their life depended on it.

I urge you to continue writing—both this story and new ones—and just ‘write em as you see em.’

You may be guilty of every writing sin mentioned by these comments’ but I read this story for enjoyment, not to grade your writing, and truthfully not one of those things mentioned detracted one iota from my enjoyment. Too many readers can’t seem to understand we are writing a fictional story, not an account of some actual event, and even then who can say how different react under stress.

THANK GOD FOR THOSE WHO READ, ENJOY AND TELL US WHAT GOOD AND EVEN WHAT’S BAD; THEY MAKE US BETTER WRITERS. So keep writing cause I can’t wait to keep reading it. cd

Congrats, m-auteur, you’ve really whacked the ole hornet’s nest and are getting stung a lot, mostly by people who couldn’t write an acceptable creative story if their life depended on it.

I urge you to continue writing—both this story and new ones—and just ‘write em as you see em.’

You may be guilty of every writing sin mentioned by these comments’ but I read this story for enjoyment, not to grade your writing, and truthfully not one of those things mentioned detracted one iota from my enjoyment. Too many readers can’t seem to understand we are writing a fictional story, not an account of some actual event, and even then who can say how different react under stress.

THANK GOD FOR THOSE WHO READ, ENJOY AND TELL US WHAT'S GOOD AND EVEN WHAT’S BAD; THEY MAKE US BETTER WRITERS. So keep writing cause I can’t wait to keep reading it. cd

No surprise the hard core BTB group is clamoring at your gates - LOL! This chapter read much more smoothly than the first. One complaint, in maybe your drive to create a "splash" here on the site you've gone well over the top on some of the key plot lines. Try to keep the main story arc and characters "real" in the next installment (or two). Anyone in his shoe's would immediately go to the doctor and also get a blood test. They would also secure the powder as evidence of Bruce's tampering. There's also the Plan B poisoning to Cindy. You mentioned that Bruce already had posted the videos on a porn site(s), or maybe I misread that nugget? Point I'm getting at - Bruce has stepped over several legal lines and that part of "revenge" needs to happen. You'll need to chase down the investigation and actions of Jack/Eric as the story plays out. I don't see all these plot lines being vetted and converging with a single chapter if you stick to the only 3 page format. As many authors have admitted here, just let the story run its course however long that takes you. It's moving at a decent pace, so while some may hate it you're still entertaining us. 4.4*

Freaking architects are trash. This sort of behavior is unheard of among civil engineers. Never get involved with nurses or architects.

This is getting difficult to read. When two characters discuss something the reader already knows, it doesn't need to be repeated unless the hearer's reaction contributes to the story. Even then, the whole thing isn't necessary to recount. Also, the drugging and Plan-B were way too over the top. As a main plot device, maybe, but it's just one more wrench in Bruce's Evil Genius Mastermind Toolbox. It slows down and complicates a decent story, and your reader doesn't need any more reason to dislike the fellow. So, if you've written into Part 3 where Bruce torches the local animal shelter or buys a Japanese whaling ship, we get it already. You write well, and your storytelling is good, but you're trying to do too much. Lean it out, edit--get an editor and some beta readers. I tend to over-write badly, and my writing coach/editor told me to write a short BTB. When I gave her a 2.5K "shorty," she told me to edit it to under 750 words! Under. At 749 it reads demonstrably better than the original. Tangled Web is long, bloated, and rambles, but it's still making a nice headway. 5/5!

Very fast paced, the actiion just keeps on coming. However was alittle disappointed in the Maggie-Dan get together. Dont think either one in real life would be up for a quick shag. Cant wait for the ending.

Very good effort so far.

I commented on the character-hours discrepancy within Ch1. Well, Dan is back to being the protagonist, and Maggie has come out of the bullrushes to be the supporting actress. Some of the timeline-meshes between the chapters seem messy, but, like the toothbrush, a relatively unimportant deal.

As some other comments suggest, there is a heavy overcast of RAAC, despite Sweetie engaging in Hubby-Disrespect pillow-talks! But, Snake had to have been reminding her it was just a script for Snake’s own pleasure DURING the raw video. Surely that will mediate the impact to some degree. But, despite that, Sweetie seems unlikely to keep that stature. The preface to this story admits to gratuitous sex (because it is LIT?) Agree that the Hubby-Maggie diversion is a very poor choice! And it is unlikely since Hubby admits just before that the feminizing was working. Besides that, the Task-at-Hand should have been a more powerful issue than becoming cheaters.

Still keeping a 5*.

This is in response to the commentator who said Dan is no better than Cindy and Bruce now because he slept with Maggie. With all due respect, ARE YOU KIDDING ME! Did you read all of the offenses that Cindy and Bruce committed against Dan BEFORE he did anything with Maggie?!!

Many of us consider the monogamous nature of a relationship null and void for both parties once one of them cheats. Especially when it is done in such an egregiously horrible way as was done here.

To expect Dan or ANYONE to still honor their vows after all that Dan learned in this chapter is beyond unrealistic and unfair.

I appreciate the author allowing him something POSITIVE to hold on to while he is in the midst of this crisis. That and his impending revenge allow him to be something other than a punching bag for the true villains of the story.

So no, Dan is not no better than Cindy and Bruce now. He is IMMEASURABLY BETTER no matter how he chooses to cope with all of the pain, disrespect, betrayal and humiliation they sent his way.

Thank you m_auteur! Please post his revenge soon! :)

Dan's retribution needs to be epic.

Way over the top. Revenge delayed a year is not revenge. He finally finds out he is a cuck, and quits his job? That will teach her. Cindy is unsalvageable. Hormonal drugs are not for sale over the counter and are pretty expensive. Bruce's slow death will not be enough. Rape and the drugging of a couple people would get him a very long jail sentence.

Great story, better than 90% of the other wanabe writers

Its a good writing exercise, Congratulations! All the standard characters, tropes, plot devices, motives, betrayals, and revenge planning are there. Well done. Of course none of it makes any sense from the standpoint of Normal human beings. Bruce is a psychopath. Cindy is a sociopath. Bruce is acting in a way that will eventually send him to prison if he's lucky not to get killed by a jealous husband. But all the while he's thinking and living the life of a mentally deranged person, he's also executing his duties and commitments as an architect? And Cindy is a whoring cheating cruel soulless monster when fucking Bruce, but then she's just your average everyday Susy homemaker when Dan gets home and they have dinner and discuss their day and whatever news is current? Right. You have created two characters who are living Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde split personalities, and that's Science Fiction. You forgot to include in the story the Martian Slut Ray and the magic potion. Without which the story just becomes ridiculous. Of course you compound the ridicule by having Dan actually contemplate forgiving this brainless fuckbot, like he still wants her to have and raise his children? And were supposed to take Dan as a serious intelligent man? Bruce has been dumping cum in All of Cindy's holes, and I suspect you are going to have her tell Dan that "It didn't mean anything! It was just such a great massage, you should try it!" Again, only a sociopath could think her sexual debauchery with Bruce is somehow understandable, forgivable, forgettable. But we know you are going to have her say those things, well, because that is a standard part of these Cheating Wife stories, and you are pretty much following the recipe. Can't wait to see what comes out of the oven. Thanks for the effort.

So a lucky cockhold as a miracle happens as Bruce's wife saves dans life. She discovers his cloud account. How can she get into that ? Without Maggie Dan was dead meat. Then his taking that drug he shouldn't have not been able to have sex with Maggie. Waiting for finish

your subtitle says he gets revenge, I didnt see any revenge just a cuck crying about being a cuck and not doing shit about it

For the love of God, get their NAMES right! You mixed up Bruce and Dan and Maggie and Cindy multiple times, also learn where quotation marks go, if its one character speaking, they go at the start and the end of them speaking, not every paragraph of their speech.

For Example: (I took out the quotation mark that shouldn't be there.)

"Maggie, I agree that we should get together to talk, but I think it's best to avoid your home. I'm going to propose we delete Bruce's videos, and if we do, that could lead Bruce to act unpredictably.

"Forgive me if this is too forward, but I've rented a hotel room and recommend you visit me here. It's away from our spouses and would give us some privacy to discuss next steps. I promise I'll keep my hands at my sides."

"Okay, Dan. Please text me the address and room number. Depending on where you are, I could be there within the hour."

There are a number of issues with this chapter:

The writing (or proof reading at least) - mixing names up, they have been detailed by others, but having to go back and re-read a little just to make sure that it's you that got it wrong is annoying and jarring, especially when at one point in the same short paragraph you called Maggie, Cindy and then Maggie.

Being pulled into the present for a sentence or two is jarring as well.

Speech, learn how to do that too.

- If the same person continues to speak without and descriptive (she said, he paused and looked, etc.) then you do not need to close the speech marks until they have finished or there is a descriptive.

- If the same person speaks over multiple paragraphs, do NOT close the speech marks until they have finished speaking or there's a descriptive (she had been talking non-stop for so long she needed to take a breath). But you need to reopen the speech marks at the start of every new paragraph. This tells people the same person is continuing to speak.

- at one point I noticed you had an inverted comma (single) next to speech marks (double) making it a triple inverted comma, this should only happen if someone is quoting someone or something else in the speech.

- it is my preference, I don't know if there's a hard rule but when quoting a person or thing (such as a film, book or folder name) to use single inverted commas to distinguish it from speech.

.

The story line went to shit, I'm afraid. Both Maggie and Bruce are predators and while Maggie has provided evidence of what Cindy is up to, how does Dan know that she isn't the delivery agent? Even if she wasn't, wouldn't he be so angry, so upset at the betrayal that the last thing on his mind would be sex. And those drugs while it's not impossible to get hard with them in your system, it certainly isn't spontaneous. The fact that Maggie seduced Dan, suggests she could be there to say, Bruce was doing it in revenge as Dan has fucked me. So, you have made Dan no better than Cindy and personally I think that someone finding out something like this would want to appear whiter than white, so would even avoid the bedroom meeting.

It feels like you have given Dan a proper excuse to try to reconcile with Cindy.

Now he has evidence of what Bruce is up to wrt the drugs, he can keep his hands clean. Call the police to test his blood, test the powder, look for Bruce's prints on the powder tin, etc. He also has evidence that Bruce is doing this in revenge for the contract so it is open day on his father's company. Really the person responsible for them not winning loads of contracts being targetted by the owner's son? I'd struggle to believe his father wasn't complicit. Then there's the gym that allowed him to start all this, several people were complicit there. Finally, his apartment, have the city take their chunk of flesh for building code violations.

We'll see in the final chapter. I'm torn between wanting to read the denouement and wanting you to take a little longer and get the writing correct.

Aww. Was hoping to see the revenge today. Fingers crossed it comes tomorrow!

Great story. Looking forward to the next chapter.

You have provided us with the equivalent of a Soap Opera to be waited for with anticipation. I want to see what type of revenge Dan will inflict on Bruce and Cindy (even if she was manipulated to become a bitch). It looks as if you have your story well planned so all we readers can do is hope that the next chapter will be posted today or tomorrow.

Got to admit that I want to see Bruce burned to a crispy critter. Cindy might be saved if she gets her head on straight.

You've written yourself into a corner. Based on the legal implications anime, of both driver and wife are either killed or in jail for a very significant about of time you're going to get hammered in the ratings for the conclusion

Hope for more parts

Omg. Could you please let us know when to expect the next chapter? I can't speak for everyone else but I am really reading this to see Dan get his revenge.

Hope the finale chapter lives up to the first two. Good story so far.

Whoa! Great Writing, Great Story, Great Tension, Great Idea! Poor Dan, his life has been so fucked up thanks to this crazy Bruce. But Tho Dan is probably going to divorce Cindy, it looks like Bruce's wife is much hotter and going to take care of Dan's needs now. I love a happy ending! I hope Dan gets so Great Revenge on Bruce and Cindy! It looks like 5 stars for writer cuz I can't go any higher! Thanks for a Great Effort my Friend! #Buster2U

Right there at the end: Police? What police? And there are a couple of times characters are called by the wrong names (once Maggie is called Cindy).

I want to say that Bruce is unbelievably evil, but the author has done a disturbingly thorough job of making Bruce believable. I’m disgusted but have to admire the author’s skill.

Finally turning around.

This... this is a parody, right? Right?

Two stars if it's meant to be taken seriously, four stars if you're having a laugh at all the over-the-top LW cliche's you've included, averaged out to a three-star rating.

This.. this is a classic, right? Right?

Five stars its fucking spectacular, the simps and sluts dont like it when a cheated on husband fucks another woman.

Cindy didnt get tricked she met simp Bruce once and had a single massage and had her tits groped and showed her pussy. By the fourth massage the cunt got fingered and came, if slimeballs Bruce didnt fuck her, Jason would have eventually.

Why would anyone want a bitch like Cindy back after the things she did, it was only a matter of time before someone fucked her, if not Bruce it would have been someone else.

Lol really with the drug and emotions of all that and he can get hard and wanted to have sex disgusting. Lost me at that cya. Im a cheaper to keep her type so don't mind him getting some extra after the wife does it first but in that scene and emotional state that just gross. He might be a sociopath or maybe bipolar

The author is basically excusing Cindy the slut from any blame. She voluntarily betrayed Dan, over and over. And now it's apparent that Dan is a closet bitch simp. Somehow I doubt he finds any testicular fortitude in the next chapter....

How did Eric even know when he went to meet Jack that Bruce had a diabolical plot to ruin Dan?