A Walk into the Unknown Ch. 03

As I walk down the path, I start to wonder what me and Rog's next steps are. We can't be settling here. Are we? I guess it wouldn't be so bad. We're not paying to live here, that's a big plus. Now that I think about it, we're not paying anything. We have no living expenses. They give us a place to live and food to eat. Other than that we don't have any other needs or expenses. Obviously we don't need money for clothes. There's no electricity, and I have to say I don't miss it much. Sometimes I forget about it. When it gets dark, I either go to the bonfire or I go to sleep. It's amazing how quickly you can get used to candles. The more I think about it, the more worried I start to get. There must be a catch to this place. Why are they giving us so much and asking for nothing in return?

Rog works for them.

Maybe that will be the catch at some point; giving up my job at the bookstore. Maybe Mom has vouched for us. Maybe her work counts for us. If they did ask me to leave the bookstore, how would I feel about that? I would hate to leave Julia. I also like that we have some money stored away. I opened a bank account in the city and have been depositing all my checks there. Considering we have no living expenses, all of it except a couple dollars here and there for lunch goes into the bank. I guess if we ever needed to get out of here fast, we'll eventually have some money to rely on.

In fact, I'm realizing now we need to start thinking about the future. What are we really doing? Our situation is a little complicated. We can't get married and we can't have kids, but those things have never been important to me. So what do I really want?

What do I want?

I walk off the path and sit in the grass, leaning against a tree. I close my eyes and try to imagine what I want my life to look like. I see Rog. I know that much. But what else do I want? I don't see Mom. That's not too surprising since I'm still warming to her. I wouldn't go and include her in my life's plans yet. I also don't see myself living naked in the forest. This is nice for now, but I don't know about doing this for the rest of my life. That's when I start to wonder how Mom fell in with these people. How long did it take her before she started walking around naked? I know there's still a lot of questions I need answered from her, but now I have some new ones to add to the list. I start to picture mom when she was younger (the way she looked the day she left) trying to figure this place out like I am now. The world around me fades away and everything feels calm until-

"Miss?"

I open my eyes, only realizing now that they were closed.

"Rachel, is it?"

I see a large man in front of me, very muscular. In fact, I feel like masculinity itself is standing in front of me. He has a short beard, not quite a five o'clock shadow but not quite a "beard". The hair on his chest is darker than the brown hair on his head. My eyes focus lower and I see his cock. Well, his large cock, I can't help but think. Hell, even his legs are nice, defined and flexing with each movement of his body. I finally look up.

"Yes?" I ask.

"They rang the bell for dinner. Just want to make sure you heard it."

"Oh! Dinner? Oh." I didn't realize I'd fallen asleep. How can it be dinner already?

"You're Rachel, right?"

I nod. "Yeah, but you can call me Rach."

He smiles. "Rach. Nice to meet you. I'm Calvin."

"Nice to meet you too," I say with a giggle.

God, I sound so girly. What's wrong with me?

"How do you know my name?" I ask.

"You're the new girl. Everyone's been talking about you."

I can see he regrets saying it immediately.

"What have they been saying?" I ask.

He looks down at his feet, embarrassed. How can such a beautiful man be so embarrassed?

"I'm sorry, that was rude," he says.

"It's okay," I try to reassure him. "I know everyone is really close here and I'm new. It's only expected everyone will talk." I smile, trying to appease him.

It seems to work. He smiles back at me. "Yeah. All good stuff. We don't get many new people who decide to stay. Plus you're Liz's daughter, so it's like you're family already."

He holds his hand out, offering to help me up. I take it and realize just how strong he is. He almost pulls me into the air. I giggle when I'm on my feet.

"I'm sorry," I say. "You're really strong."

"Sorry!" He says, sounding stressed.

"No! It's okay. I meant it as a compliment."

"Oh," he says, smiling now. "My friend Eric calls me Lenny. I don't know my own strength."

I look at him blankly for a moment.

"Of Mice and Men?" He clarifies.

"Oh! Yeah, right."

Oh God! More book references!

"Well I hope not too much like him. He kills a girl in the end." I surprise myself that I remembered that. I only read it once in high school.

He laughs and shakes his head. "No. I'm not like him, you know," he points to his head. "I'm just shy is all. I'm sorry."

"Don't say sorry."

How can such a large man say sorry?

I feel a warm feeling start to spread between my legs and suddenly I realize I'm getting wet. What am I doing? I suddenly feel a pang of guilt. Why am I flirting with this man?

Is this flirting?

"You're from out east, right?" He asks.

I nod. "Yeah. New Jersey."

"Wow. I've never been that far. Farthest I've ever been from California is Las Vegas. Right before I cam here."

"Well, you're not missing much."

I can't help but glance down at his cock. When I look back up I see he noticed. He doesn't respond to it at all.

"I don't know about that," he says. "I'd love to go out there someday. You know, just to visit."

"Well, go to New York. Skip New Jersey."

"No way," he says with a smile. "That's where The Boss is from."

It takes a moment to understand what he means, but then it comes to me.

Oh God! Bruce Springsteen?

"You must be a big fan," he says.

"Uh...yeah. I love Springsteen."

Why did I lie?

"That's really cool. I love Bruce."

Bruce! Like he's Beyonce or something.

All along our trip across country, whenever Rog and I would tell people we're from New Jersey, the first person they'd bring up is Bruce Springteen. I've never cared for his music, but I never realized just how much everyone associated him with New Jersey until I finally left the state. I don't want to be rude to the guy, but Springsteen is the last person I feel like talking about.

"So it's time for dinner?" I ask.

"Yeah," he says pointing awkwardly towards the cafeteria.

"Can I walk with you?"

"Sure!" He says a little more energetically than anticipated.

We start to walk side by side and I realize just how much bigger than me he really is.

"So how long have you been living here?" I ask him.

"A couple of years now. I came with a friend of mine. He'd heard about it and convinced me to go. A couple months in he left. I liked it too much and decided to stay."

"What made you come here?"

He doesn't answer at first, so I keep walking, looking down at my feet while we do.

"I've never really fit in anywhere, you know?"

I nod.

"When I got here, I suddenly felt like I fit in. I finally had some friends."

"What about your friend that came with you?"

He shakes his head and huffs. "He wasn't really my friend. I followed him around but he didn't care about me. I think he came here because he thought it'd be fun to be around a bunch of naked girls all the time."

"And you don't?" I ask with the slightest hint of teasing.

He shrugs. "It was at first, but you start to get used to it. I know it must seem weird to you right now, but..." He trails off. "I don't know. It's just not what most people think."

We walk in silence for a moment as I think about what he said. I can't imagine ever really getting used to this. I'm okay with it right now, but there's no way seeing someone naked can seem normal. Even now I get the impulse to cover myself up when someone looks at me. I have to remind myself it's okay.

"I finally found out who I really was when I came here," he says.

"What do you mean? Who are you?"

"I had my first experience with a guy here."

Oh! I wasn't expecting that.

"I was always so afraid of someone finding out. In the end, I think that's why I followed my friend around so much. I had a crush on him. What really messed me up was that I was still attracted to girls too."

"Oh. So you're bi?"

He chuckles to himself. "I guess. Kat would say 'I'm just me'."

"Is Kat..." I trail off, not really wanting to ask.

"No," he says.

I nod.

"Kat's only into girls," he clarifies.

Interesting. So that's what that was about before.

At least I know I can trust her around Rog.

"Don't tell her I told you," he says. "She's open about it. She'll tell you. I just don't want her to think I'm talking about her."

I make a gesture as if I'm zipping my lips shut. That's when we reach the cafeteria.

"It was nice talking with you," he says.

"You too."

"And just so you know, I think it's cool what you and your brother have. I think it's awesome," he says as we enter through the double doors.

"Thanks," I say, a little confused.

Calvin walks off to dish himself up. I stand by the doors thinking about what he just said. He emphasized "I", as if to say there are others who don't think it's awesome. Am I looking too much into it? Maybe he didn't mean that at all. I look around the room and see a couple eyes dart away from me when I make contact with them.

Holy shit. Are some of these people judging me?

I really thought no one was. I was just starting to buy into this whole "judgement free zone". Rog finally walks up to me.

"Hey," he says as he gives me a hug and kiss. "How was work?"

I nod, still in my own head. "Fine."

He waits for more but when I don't continue he just nods. "Cool." He grabs my hand and starts walking towards the tables to get food. We get in line behind Mom. She smiles when she sees me but continues talking to someone I don't know yet. They seem to be talking shop about the gardens.

"You up for hanging out at the bonfire tonight?" Rog asks me.

I shrug. "I guess."

"You're not too tired from work?"

I chuckle. "No. We had a couple annoying people today but nothing too stressful."

We eventually dish ourselves up and find a table. Rog sits next to me and Mom sits across from us. They start talking about something but I'm only half paying attention. I can't help but glance around the room, trying to see if someone is watching us. I'm sure I'm just being paranoid, but what if I'm not?

What do I think will happen though?

The worst that can happen is that they ask us to leave. Is that so bad? I mean this place is pretty nice, but nothing I'm going to cry over.

"Rachel?"

I look up. Mom and Rog are staring at me.

"Huh?" I say.

The two of them chuckle.

"Where are you at?" Mom asks me.

I shake my head. "Sorry. Just thinking about work," I lie.

She reaches over and puts her hand on mine.

"If that job is too much for you, we can find you something here."

I smile back but shake my head. "No, it's fine. I'm just being weird."

Her and Rog exchange a glance and continue talking. I tune in and out of their conversation, picking at my plate of fruit with my fork. I glance to my right and see a table on the other side of the room. Calvin is laughing with some friends of his. He catches my eye and waves. The friend sitting next to him looks at me and then back at him and asks him something. Calvin shakes his head and smiles at me again. I turn back to my fruit as not to seem awkward. I wonder what his friend asked him.

Is that her?

Is it true about her and her brother?

I wonder what he was saying no to.

Mom excuses herself and gets up, making her way to the bathroom. When she's out of earshot, I feel Rog's eyes on me.

"You okay?" He asks.

I shrug.

"What's up?" He presses.

"Do you notice people looking at us?"

He crinkles his nose and glances around the room. Then shakes his head.

"No. Why?"

"Do you think people are like, talking about us?"

"In what way?" I can tell from his tone he's not following.

"About us," I say. "About our relationship. Do you think they're talking about us?"

He looks away, probably trying to think of what to say. I wonder if he knows anything.

"I mean, probably. It's probably new to them. Kat's asked me a couple questions."

I look up sharply. "What did you say?"

"Rach, it's okay. She was just asking about how we got together and stuff. You know, normal questions. Has someone said something to you?"

I shake my head.

"Has George spoken to you?"

I look at him again. Interesting he would bring George up out of the blue.

"No. Why?"

He shakes his head.

"No, what is it? What about George?"

"It's nothing. I just had a weird interaction with him. Thought maybe you did too."

"What kind of interaction?"

I can tell he's about to say something but holds it back. There's something he's not telling me. What isn't he telling me?

"I ran into him and started chatting and he was asking how we're settling in and stuff. I don't know, I just got a weird feeling from him."

George. The guy in charge of this place. The guy who would hand out the Kool-Aid.

"What else happened?" I ask.

"Nothing. That was it. We exchanged a few words and then I kept walking. It was weird is all. What's got you on edge?"

I glance back to Calvin's table and then down at my fruit again. I don't want to get Calvin in trouble. Rog notices my glance. He looks over at their table and then back at me.

"What's up?" He pushes again.

"I was walking here with that guy Calvin. Have you met him yet?"

"In passing, but not really."

"He's really nice, but he said something that was kind of weird."

"What'd he say?"

"He said he thinks what you and me have is cool. He said he think's it's awesome."

Now that I say it out loud, it really sounds like nothing. I'm almost embarrassed to keep talking about it.

Rog shakes his head, not understanding.

"Look, I know I'm probably being paranoid, but it was the way he said it. As if he's on our side, as opposed to others. That's what it sounded like to me."

Rog looks up, mulling this over. He's not writing it off, so maybe I'm not being crazy.

"Maybe he didn't mean it that way," he says.

"Yeah, I know Rog. I'm probably being paranoid. Probably thinking about it too much, but that's what's got me all weird right now, okay?"

He nods. "Makes sense. It is kind of a weird thing to say."

I really don't want to talk about this anymore. Luckily I'm saved by Mom, who comes back to the table.

"I see you're really savoring that fruit!" She says to me.

"I'm full."

She nods and looks to Rog.

"Kat is looking for you. Apparently you didn't show up to work today?"

"Oh yeah," I say. "She stopped by our place before looking for you. Where were you?"

He looks up at Mom. "I was hanging out with her."

"I told Kat it was my fault," she says. "Don't worry, you're off the hook. But she said you have to help her with dinner inventory."

Rog nods and starts to get up. Mom looks to me.

"We have some time before the bonfire tonight. Want to hang out with me?"

"Sure," I say. There's still some daylight left and not much else to do.

"Yay," she says like a little girl. She puts her hand on Rog's arm. "We'll see you at the bonfire." Then she kisses him on the cheek.

That's new.

I throw the last remaining bits of fruit out and join Mom at the door. We start walking down the path to her shack.

"So are you meeting new people here?" She asks.

"Yeah, actually. I met this guy Calvin earlier."

"Oh yes! Little Cal. I remember when he got here."

I laugh.

"What's funny?" She asks.

"Little Cal? He's a pretty big guy."

Mom laughs at that too.

"Yes, true, but he's so timid he reminds me of a little boy. He tell you about his friend he show'd up with?"

I nod.

"What an ass that boy was! Constantly hitting on all the girls. He almost got into a fight with Peter. Do you know Peter?"

I shake my head.

"Apparently Peter had bumped into him and since they were both nude, this guy got upset. It was so ridiculous. George eventually asked him to leave."

"Really? George will do that? Ask people to leave?""

She nods. "If they're disrupting the community, of course. We need to do what's best for everyone."

"How did you get involved with these people?"

She smiles to herself, a faint little laugh under her breath.

"What?" I ask.

"It was George. He was very persuasive."

We reach her door and walk into the living room. I sit down on the couch and she walks into the bedroom.

"But how? Did you know what kind of place this was before you came here?"

"Yes. He told me about it many times before I actually came," she calls out from the other room.

"So what made you move here?"

She comes back in and takes a seat on the couch. She looks down at her lap and I can tell something is up.

"What's wrong?" I ask.

She finally looks up at me, a seriousness on her face.

"I'm sorry for what I said."

I'm not sure what to say to that, since I don't know what she's talking about. She must see my confusion because she clarifies.

"The day I left. You said it to me on your first day here. I'm not sure if you remember, you were pretty angry. 'Good luck.' I never should've said that."

I was not expecting this. Her final words to me were all I was thinking about for the first few days here. When I finally decided to let my anger go, I guess I had let that go as well.

"Yes, well," I trail off, trying to think of the right thing to say. "It was a shitty thing to say."

We both sit in silence for a moment. I finally ask the question I've been wondering my whole life.

"What did you mean? Why would you say something like that to me? I was just a kid."

She takes a deep breath. I see her shoulders rise and fall and I can tell she's fighting back tears that have already started.

"I'm sorry. I know you've probably been hoping for some kind of answer to that, but I don't have one. I wasn't," she stops and takes a deep breath again. "I didn't know what to say. I had just said goodbye to Roger and I made it through that without breaking down. I didn't want you two to see me crying. I didn't want that to be your last image of me. When I was done with Roger, I stepped in front of you. I saw you standing there and I wanted to tell you everything you needed to know about life. About what it's like for a girl in the world. How to deal with the men who will hurt you later in life. How to deal with your father. How to stay strong when everyone expects you to be weak. I wanted to teach you all of that right there in that little moment before I left. I started thinking of all the lessons I wasn't going to be able to teach you and how you were going to grow up without a woman to talk to when you needed to talk about things you couldn't bring to your father or your brother. And that's when I started to break down. I started going through what I could say in my head. 'Be safe,' 'always be strong,' 'don't let anyone see you cry.' So many things were going through my head and I just panicked. I said the first thing that came to mind and it was that. And then I wanted to say more, but I knew if I stayed there, I would start crying in front of you. And how can I tell you to be strong when I'm a ball of tears in front of you? So I turned around before you or Roger could see me and I kept walking. I wanted to turn back to see you one more time, but I didn't want you to see me crying."

Tears stream down her cheeks and it's not until I notice hers that I realize I'm doing the same. We both sit and stare at each other for a long time, neither of us wanting to say anything.