A Wedding and a Funeral Pt. 03

"Tell me something," I suddenly straightened up, "about Saoirse."

"Uh huh? What do you want to know?"

"You know how you and her were involved?"

"Yeah," she nodded, "and?"

"Why did she come to your wedding? Rachel knew you were involved but she still allowed her to be a big part of it, and it had me wondering why? I thought lesbian couples had some rule about ex girlfriends?"

"Some do, it depends on the couple though. In Saoirse's case though, if it hadn't been for her then Rachel and I would never have gotten together," she leaned on her elbows and looked past me at the steady stream of people walking past the restaurant.

"Rachel was in a straight marriage. Penny's company handled the divorce and somewhere along the line she discovered that Penny was gay. Fast forward a few months and we met in a pub and after a few drinks went back to my place and had sex, but whilst she enjoyed it, she had her doubts about a second or even third encounter and that's where Saoirse stepped in," she paused.

"Saoirse was staying with me temporarily, despite the fact we'd been lovers she had accepted that we were no longer an item. When Saoirse makes up her mind it's hard to change it, she can sleep in the same bed as an ex lover and not touch her. She's got more strength than yours truly," she smiled and then continued.

"One day, about two or three days after Rachel and I had sex, she came around to see me but I was at work and Saoirse invited her in for a coffee because I was due home soon. Rachel told me later that she was unsure about her, she really thought that Saoirse and I were lovers but she came in and had a cup of coffee," she glanced down at the table.

"I guess you had to be there," she went on.

"Here was Rachel, a curious divorcee talking to a woman who was the ex lover of the woman she'd just had sex with, but over the course of forty minutes or so Saoirse laid it all out. She told her about our history, how she discovered her own sexual orientation and gently guided her to a point where she too could admit that she liked women. It was the most extraordinary thing," she smiled.

"I walked in and Rachel got up and gave me a hug and told me she was anxious about the future but willing to give it a shot. From then on, Saoirse became like a mentor to Rachel, she wasn't in her face but she was there on the outskirts just encouraging her. So, to answer your question as to why she was a part of our wedding, how could she not be? If it wasn't for her the wedding wouldn't have happened."

"Oh," I blinked and nudged my glasses, "oh, right."

"It's probably why she got involved with Ling in the first place, she's compassionate. She feels your pain in a very real way but that can bounce back on her, as it did with Ling. In the end, she had to call time on their affair, Ling was never going to leave her husband. She lives in Southbank in one of those apartment blocks, why risk being forced to sell up? Saoirse was never going to move into the city, she likes visiting it but living here in the centre is different. She likes the suburbs and I'm with her there, I like having a front yard and a backyard."

"So, how do you feel about Saoirse?" Annalisa asked a minute later.

"I like her, a lot but I hadn't realised how deep she was. It must've been hard to resist igniting the flame again."

"Hard for me at first but I trust her. Saoirse finds it easier because of the way she thinks."

It was a lot to take in and it occupied my mind that night and the following day but eventually I called her on Friday night.

"How was your week?" I blurted out.

"It was okay, a short week. How was yours?"

"It was the same, the first few days were pretty hectic after a five day holiday."

"Tell me about it, I've never been able to work out the Aussie obsession with long weekends, any excuse for an extra day off I suppose."

I stared at my reflection in the wardrobe mirror as I gathered my courage, what little I had.

"Are you still there?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm still here."

"Good, you went silent on me."

"I was wondering?" I glanced at my bedroom door, "would you like... um... what are you doing tomorrow night?"

"Probably sitting back with a dvd, why?"

"Would you like to go out for dinner?"

For a few moments there was silence and I thought she'd hung up but then she came back with "okay, sure, that sounds like a better plan."

"Where would you like to go?"

"You're the one asking me out. I've got no allergies that I can think of, how's about you choose and we'll go with that, okay?"

"Okay," I thought quickly, "the pizza hut?"

"Pizza hut sounds grand," she purred.

"Okay, I'll come by about six thirty?"

"Make it seven," she replied.

After I'd hung up I fell back onto the bed and stared at the ceiling feeling the relief flooding through me, it only occurred to me a few minutes later that I'd not even thought about what to wear. That kept me occupied for an hour as I tried on some of the clothes that Robyn had made for me, some of which I hadn't even tried on yet. The pussybow blouses looked as if they'd be a good match with jeans, but so did other blouses. In the end I chose a sleeveless dress with a full-length zipper in front and three straps at the bodice and waist, matched with a royal blue pussybow blouse with deep cuffs and a black tailored jacket.

I was standing in front of the mirror wearing the outfit when mum came into the bedroom.

"Whoa, where'd you get that dress?"

"Robyn," I turned towards her, "you like it?"

"I do," she felt the wide shoulder straps, "I want one now. Are you going out tonight?"

"Nope, why?"

"You're dressed to kill that's all."

"I'm trying out my outfit for tomorrow night."

"Who's the lucky man, or is it a woman?"

"Saoirse," I nudged my glasses.

"Cool," she grinned, "Stan and I are ordering pizza, what do you fancy?"

"An Aussie pizza, and garlic bread."

"In that case I might have the Hawaiian."

"What do you think of me going out with a woman?"

"I think it's a wonderful idea, it'd certainly answer something I've wondered about for years."

"And what's that?" I sat down on my bed.

"Why a beautiful young woman like yourself can't find a man, and I've seen them looking at you for years but it's like you can't see them or don't want to see them. I could never work out which one it was to be honest."

"Probably a bit of both."

"Well, whatever way you go you're my daughter and I'm always proud of you," she stepped back.

"Thanks, mum."

"No worries, I'll go phone this order through and you'd better change out of that too, especially if you're having pizza."

***

In lieu of the fact we'd had pizza the previous night, it would've made sense to choose some other restaurant but instead we stuck to the prior arrangement and that said a lot about my state of mind. I wasn't about to change the tiniest detail about our first date, to avoid jinxing myself.

However, at the same time I felt nervous as I surveyed myself in the wardrobe mirror. This was the first time I'd been on a date since Nathan but that left me with other questions. Was it a date kind of date? Or a night out with a girlfriend? I'd dressed up for girlfriends in the past but they weren't the type of girls who'd kiss you on the lips at the front door let alone invite you inside for a second and third kiss.

That confusion stayed with me as I drove out to her house that night and when I got out of the car I frowned as I stared at myself in the driver's side window. It could be both, I reasoned as the front door opened to reveal Saoirse. If I'd dressed to kill that night then she was dressed to annihilate in a white silk blouse with an old-fashioned bowtie, a knee-length leather skirt with a full-length zipper. The black overcoat lent a certain Matrix vibe to her appearance, as she ambled towards me I stared straight at her, taking in her every move.

"You look nice tonight," she came to a halt in front of me and I noted the matching leather handbag slung over her shoulder, "we'll take my car tonight."

"Uh, okay, thanks. You look beautiful as well."

Despite her, "thank you," I still felt like a teenager as I backed my car out into the street and when she reversed out I parked in her drive and then got into her car.

"This street is safe enough but there's always a first time. We're going to Ringwood?"

"Yeah, of course, Bedford Road, next to the gun shop."

"I know it," she shifted into first gear, "although I've never been in it before."

"Do they have Pizza Hut in Ireland?"

"For sure," she accelerated, "it was always a good cheap night out."

"So, what was the movie you were planning on watching?"

"Huh?"

"The movie you were going to watch before I asked you out."

"Oh, some action flick," she replied, "I hadn't actually picked one out, I've got a nice selection as you've probably noticed but it was probably one I haven't seen for awhile."

I had noticed her DVD collection in earlier visits. She had six small cabinets that were more or less full of DVDs from action movies through to romance, documentaries and the complete box set of the 2004 Battlestar Galactica.

"Maybe we should schedule a movie night soon."

"For sure," our eyes met, "anything you'd like to see?"

"Probably Battlestar Galactica."

"That's a box set, you'd need more than one night to watch that," she grinned, "I could lend it to I suppose."

Little more was said until we sat down to order. Because I'd had pizza the previous night I chose the bacon carbonara whilst she had pizza.

"So, tell me," Saoirse leaned on the table, "why did you ask me out?"

There was that question again and I looked past her as I nudged my glasses and she smiled as she spoke again.

"I mean, if it's just a night out with a girlfriend that's fine, but in order to establish boundaries it'd be helpful to know your motivation. It's easy to misinterpret things."

"Let's just say I'm taking a chance and saying anything could happen," I replied.

"Okay then," she leaned back in her seat.

"I spoke to Annalisa about you this week," I went on.

"And?"

"She told me about how you helped her and Rachel get back together again."

"She's said that in the past although I tend to think of myself as being the sounding board, Rachel was a little confused, overwhelmed and looking for someone to bounce her ideas off. She thought at first that we were involved and when I said no, she wanted to know more. In her mind she had this idea that we were all sleeping with each other, which is true with guys. Gay guys can be very active sexually, with multiple partners but women look for security and loyalty."

"I kind of figured that but it must happen."

"Oh it does, you'll find women in the clubs who're just looking for a good time, a one night stand, I can't speak to that because I've been guilty of it in the past but once I turned twenty two I felt like it was ultimately a dead end road. Women get to know the women who're playing the field and they get wary of getting involved with them."

"Understandable," I looked up as our orders were brought over, "I'm the same."

Saoirse merely nodded as the waitress put our meals on the table and then retreated.

"So, what kinds of women turn you on?" I asked a minute later.

"Honest women, oddly enough considering my ex who was dishonest to her husband but forthright with me. I like strong women who aren't afraid to tell me when I've done the wrong thing, and they should be curious about the world around them. I don't want a woman who wraps herself around my little finger, she needs to have her own interests and hobbies, and her own friends."

"And physically?"

"Attractive is always a good trait although it's not a primary motivator."

"What about our waitress? Is she attractive?"

"She is quite attractive but as I just said, it'd depend on other factors too. I've met some beautiful women who were ugly underneath, greedy, manipulative, impulsive, the list goes on. Most of all I want stability. That's why I stayed so long with Ling. She was betraying her husband but she never betrayed me, she understood my situation completely. She never suggested moving in with me, it was a subject we never discussed. I knew where I stood with her, I was the mistress."

"But what if she left her husband and came back to you? Would you take her back?"

"No," she replied immediately, "that'd never happen. Even if she waited three months and decided to try again I'd still say no."

"Why?" I asked her, "what if she's, I don't know, realised the error of her ways? Lots of people do that and it seems to work out."

"For sure, and I've known a few lesbian couples who did exactly that. They took a break for a few months and even went out with other women, but then decided to give it another go and it worked for them but I'm different," she paused to eat some pizza.

"In my mind, I'm thinking that if we broke up once then it can happen again, and we wind up with a suitcase relationship where we have our suitcases permanently packed. I like to draw a line under it there and then, it's time to move on and evolve. Going back for another shot at the title works for a few couples but not this particular lesbian, but I can remain friends with an ex. If Ling wants to be a friend in the future then I'm fine with that but if she thinks she can use that as a lever to slide into bed with me then the answer is no."

"So, what about if your girlfriend has straight girlfriends? How does that work?"

"For me it works fine, in fact it's almost a requirement. As grand as sex is, it's not the be all and end all, we need platonic friendships with other women. It's how we function as women, we need to be involved in other relationships, it's how we define ourselves. I know sexual desire is part of it and I have told girlfriends it's okay to window shop, just don't touch the merchandise," she grinned, "to put it bluntly."

"Wow," I straightened up and nudged my glasses, "you really are different."

"I know, but I've seen too many relationships where one partner becomes dominant and the other submissive. The dominant one isn't doing it to hurt or control, she's very insecure and she has to vet every girlfriend her lover has to assess the threat level. Ultimately you wind up with a very unhappy girlfriend who's trapped like a bird in a gilded cage. Guys do it to women all the time, and it has the same unhappy result. Trust is a big part of any relationship."

I shifted in my seat and she smiled crookedly.

"Does that answer your questions?"

"Yeah, it does."

"Mind if ask one of my own?"

"Shoot," I replied.

"Where are you with it all, after Emma that is?"

"I'm still curious," I replied. "I accept that it can't go further but I'm still curious about women?"

"Just women? I've known a few women who had sex with a woman but went back to men, for the most part they enjoyed it but it wasn't for them. Having sex with a woman doesn't make you gay in the same way as having sex for the first time makes you sexually experienced. It takes time to find out what you like and how you like it."

"I know all that," I touched my glasses, "but Emma woke me up to a few things."

"Such as?"

"Her gentleness, she wasn't trying to force the issue. She stopped several times to see if I was okay with what she was doing. She even offered to stop completely, I felt in control even though every part of me felt as if I was out of control and I liked, um, I liked..." I stopped.

"Liked? What?"

I glanced over my shoulder, feeling the flush in my cheeks before finishing.

"Being undressed, it was... sensual," I sank back against the seat, "I still find myself going over the night in my head, trying to imagine the end but I don't know how it'd feel because I've never been that far before so it's a muddled fantasy."

"It usually ends with orgasm," she replied.

"And then? What happens afterwards?"

"Then you have to talk about what happens next? Is it a brief fling, or the start of something else? It doesn't always happen the morning after, many times it takes a few days or weeks but at some point you'll have to decide on how far to take it."

"What, like moving in together?"

"Oh, that's an entirely different conversation. You never know someone until you live together, I've known a few who moved onto that phase too quickly and found out that it was a mistake. It's the same with hetero couples, moving in together exposes them to the other persons weaknesses as well as their strengths."

"Robyn told me she got on with a few women before she got together with Penny and she said that in her opinion she lost her virginity the first time even though they never went all the way. They got partially naked but she stopped when she realised that this woman hadn't really broken up with her girlfriend, she'd just had an argument with her."

"And Robyn's right," she replied, "we make a big deal out of virginity, perhaps too much, in the old days it was very much focused on straight sex and penetration. Priests and ministers would check to see if a young woman still had her hymen, which is the dumbest way of testing for virginity it's a man's way of thinking to be honest."

"So I may not be a virgin at all?"

"Not entirely, you've gone part of the way but pulled out, but you gained experience. You learned about what turns you on, in time you'll take another step and another until finally you go all the way and experience orgasm."

We ate the rest of our meal in silence and eventually she glanced at her watch.

"Fancy a walk around Eastland or would you like to go home?"

"Home," I replied, "the only places that are open are restaurants and the cinema."

On the way back home though I experienced a wave of doubt followed by despondency, I had no idea if she liked me in that way at all. Her last comment had appeared dismissive as if she was just an older woman advising a younger woman.

"You fancy coming in for a coffee, or something stronger?" Saoirse asked as she pulled in behind my car, "speak now while the engine is still running."

I stared at my car before replying.

"I'll come in, if that's okay."

"It's always okay," she turned the engine off.

***

Whilst she made coffee, I browsed her huge DVD library. Her collection was very organised, she had films in categories, action, crime, adventure and history, romance was divided into straight and gay. I admit I lingered over the gay romance and when she came through with crackers and cheese, and coffees I had two in front of me.

"You can borrow them if you want," she set the tray down, "or watch one here."

I took the latter option and we sat down to watch Carol. I've always loved Cate Blanchett ever since I saw her in Lord of the Rings. Carol was a very gritty movie set in the '50s but Saoirse could recall a time in Ireland when society was quite similar.

"It was always there, don't get me wrong but people didn't talk about it. My mother stood out from the pack because she was more or less out, but even she didn't refer to her as her girlfriend. I had to call her auntie and it was only when I turned twenty-one that she admitted they were lovers. Society had evolved, the Catholic church was losing its grip on power, and people were talking about birth control, abortion and homosexuality. The history of Ireland since the revolution is a good example of why it's a bad idea to let religion have any influence over politicians, even when it's for a good cause," she ejected the DVD.

"I loved it, but it's got a kind of sad ending."

"The book was even sadder," she rose and walked to the DVD player, "I've got that upstairs in the spare bedroom, along with other lesbian romances," she returned to the couch.

"Here," she put it back in its case, "you can watch it again if you want."