Adopting a New Outlook

"Hey Tiny Tim, throw that ball here so I can catch your girly throw," Dan mocked.

I almost smiled, that was a new one. Jessie, surprisingly shot back for me, "Holy shit Danno, you read a book?"

Dan's friends gasped, everyone else started some variant of laughter, even the gym teacher Mr. Shaw snickered. Slightly redder than before, Dan threw a ball as hard as he could at Jessie, she managed to sidestep in time, by some miracle as he'd really put everything he had into it. Then came one of the greatest meat-head lines I've ever been party to. "I saw it in a movie," he said it in some beautiful defense of himself, oblivious to how it made him sound.

Lily barely managed not to laugh aloud. Jessie had no such tact. She was hunched over barely able to breathe, laughing so hard. Then he had his revenge, the ball came flying in just as she was standing again. Dan's shot hit her hard in the thigh. It was a hard thrown ball that hit with a near deafening sound, accompanied by a loud, "Fuck," spoken in pain by Jessie. The ball bounced right back to their side. Lily picked it up as Dan snatched it from her. Only one ball in play he had his moment to shine in his certain triumph.

"Nice one Slim Jim," Jessie taunted Dan.

"Frigid bitch," he snapped.

He must've been distracted by their back and forth because the ball he threw at me lacked its customary speed. With at least some surprise, I summoned enough hand eye coordination to grab it before it struck me.

He looked at Jessie, then back to me. He repeated and sighed, "That's just fucking perfect, you happy now. The orphan boy beat me at dodge ball."

I could see Lily wanted to step in, but Jessie beat her to it. She spread her pinky finger from her hand, wiggled it twice, and watched it curl. She began the motion once more as she spoke, "I'll bet he's more man than you."

"You like him so much you go out with him. That'll be perfect, Orphan Aaron and the Ice Queen," Dan mocked, walking closer to her as she sat on the bench.

Her next words came alongside a realization in my mind, "Maybe I will," she responded. Suddenly, a truce lost all meaning in a game that had to have a winner. I turned in time to see her wicked smile and laughter in those bright blue eyes. Then I saw red, not metaphorical, very very literal. It hit me so hard my head bent back, and I nearly went with it. She was forgiven, at least partially, when she managed to sidestep a celebrating Dan's unwelcome hug and check on me.

"Sorry," She shrugged. "You gonna be alright?"

Her smile made me smirk, just a little. "I'll live."

"Good," she rubbed my red cheek where the ball hit me and made way for Jessie as she approached.

"Sorry about Dan," she said, unfathomably genuinely apologetic for him.

"Why?" I asked, dumbfounded.

"Huh? Oh. We dated for like a week. Somehow, I manage to incite his rage." She pounded on her chest like a gorilla, "How dare cute girl not like muscles."

Unfortunately, Dan heard her little impression, and in a poetically gorilla-esque manner, ambled over, bristling. "Listen here you little..."

I wasn't sure if he was pausing for dramatic timing, I have my doubts that he even understands the concept. Jessie gave him no time. "Little what? Huh? Muscles can't think of words can he?"

"Fuck you," came Dan's witty reply.

"Nice, keep reinforcing my opinion of you every time we meet. Only took me a week to figure out that under all those muscles," she paused for dramatic timing, "There is just more muscles."

He inched closer to Jessie who now stood to my left, placing a hand on her upper arm. She tried to shrug it off, with more politeness than was due. He didn't seem to get the point, as he held on, until she removed his hand from her, by bending back the fingers on his hand. He swore and gripped his hand, testing if his fingers still worked. "Touch me again and I swear to god I'll break your wrist."

"Maybe you should swear on something else, like your sister maybe?" He mocked.

I hadn't even realized I'd moved until it was already done. Dan lay on the ground as I looked down at my balled fist. I'd heard the stories. Everyone had. One night, Jessie's older sister had gone to a bar with some friends. She had "too much to drink". She hadn't gone home by herself, and she certainly hadn't gone willingly. The police didn't get far, and she had trouble reconciling that event with a possible future. She instead chose to end that possibility of a future.

Jessie had lost a sister and found herself in a social circle not so different from my own. Maybe that's why I hit him. Maybe it was the wormy way he talked to Lily. Fuck it all. I knew in that moment that very little in my life could bring me as much joy as seeing Dan, laying on the ground, blood slowly leaking from his nose.

Actions do have consequences. Lily looked proud as the teacher grabbed me by the arm, ready to lead me to the office. Jessie walked forward a few steps and asked, "What about that date?" It was a joke. It had to be a joke.

I just smiled and shrugged. Apparently, all you get for knocking out a kid in gym class is a three-day suspension and a not so metaphorical pat on the back from the Vice Principal. The punishment at home, however, was far more severe. I spent the next five days, weekend included, on constant chore duty. I must have cleaned that whole house three times over before my punishment was done. Lily found me the next day after returning from school.

"Jessie asked about you," she smirked.

"What about?"

"Nice look, play it cool bro. Don't make yourself seem too interested," she joked. "She told me to ask you, 'What about that date?'"

I still wasn't sure what to make of her. "I think she's just messing with me."

She shook her head, "She seems sincere." The all too serious look faded to one of childish joy as she chanted, "Aaron's got a girlfriend."

Chapter 4:

In point of fact, Aaron did not get a girlfriend. What Aaron got was something very different. Jessie came over that Sunday, the last day of my punishment. After she oh so eloquently proclaimed my heroism to Aileen and Nick, they let me off the hook. We spent the afternoon watching movies with Lily. Her mom came by around 6 to pick her up, I walked her halfway to the car. She turned and stated, "There will be no kissing." I've always liked the word flabbergasted: I was, entirely. She attempted to clarify, "We can hang out though."

It all sounded so natural. Why wouldn't I agree? I had two friends to my name, and one was more of a book peddler than a friend. Thus started my mildly tragic high school life. It could have been worse. God knows it could have. Dan managed to keep his distance from me and by extension, Jessie and Lily.

It wasn't until Junior year I realized precisely what my relationship with Jessie was. It was a day much like any other. Jessie, Lily and I were simply home from school, listening to music. Jessie was prone to indoctrinate others into her music of choice. I subtly fought back with my own tastes. Lily often enjoyed both in a strangely equal measure. Jessie was digging through my CDs and came across one long buried. Lily's eyes went wide as she saw The Dark Side of the Moon. She quickly jumped beside her and nimbly buried it again, hoping I wouldn't notice. I did and I loved her for it.

Jessie, however, was curious. She asked Lily in hushed tones. Lily sent her hushed reply. I sighed behind my book, hoping they would stop. When Jessie made a louder than intended, "Oh," the book fell from my hands.

"Can you two please stop talking about me like I'm not here?"

Lily looked sad, eyes, perhaps, a little wetter than usual. Jessie wore that open pain. The knowledge of the accident long known, but it softens over time. Then you find out the little details. The CD that a young boy once loved. The same CD that played that night and how that same CD, somehow found intact and returned to him, lay at the bottom of a small box, oh so purposely ignored.

"You never really talk about the past," Jessie pointed out.

"I guess we have that in common," I replied, wishing I hadn't.

I'd known Jessie for almost two years at this point. Our relationship was, suffice it to say, different. True to her words, there was no kissing. There, however, was a deep friendship that came with that clause. I loved her, and strangely enough for a hormonal teenage boy, I knew it wasn't an entirely romantic love. She rarely resisted the urge to introduce me as her boyfriend, yet there was never really anything beyond what we had.

To this day, I can't say what possessed me to grab the box, dig out that long hidden disc and walk it to the CD player. I closed the tray, turned around, and walked back to the couch as casually as I could manage. Maybe I wanted to show them I was strong, if so, I may have failed that. Maybe it was to show myself that it couldn't hurt me, that I could take something back from that day. I sat in the middle, next to Jessie. Lily, sensing something coming took the seat to my right.

The music played and I did not break, not right away. The memories came back, but surprisingly, not the ones I expected. It would always be there, playing in the background, but I was greeted by better days. The days before that day. Days where I still felt like a little boy and not the "old soul" my father often called me.

I will admit I was lost in it for a time, I returned to my senses after a while, enjoying sounds I had not heard in three years. It was oddly comforting and heartbreaking at once. Lily held tight to my arm, her head resting on my shoulder. I hadn't meant to cry. I hadn't meant to make her cry, or Jessie, but we did. I told her about the past. I did not mention that day, only the days before and those that followed. They listened while I rambled on, finally hearing the song I'd been dreading to hear. Brain Damage started. I tensed hard, but they held me close. I knew then that it wasn't the quantity of one's friends that mattered, but the quality, and I was luckier than most.

No one really wants to admit that kind of weakness. It's a hard thing to do. To bare yourself emotionally before another. It's something ingrained in us from cavemen times to even now where weakness can get you killed. Somewhere in me, I trusted them enough to let them glimpse it. Showing them things that lay beneath lidded eyes, well, let's just say, some thoughts are best left unspoken.

The day moved on from there, lighter. We didn't really speak on it. I said a tiny prayer in thanks that there we're no I'm sorry's spoken after. I wasn't sure I could take pity, luckily, I got comfort instead, and a return to a more natural day. I returned to my book as Lily danced to some song on the radio. I glanced over the pages and finally understood. Jessie's gaze fell on Lily. She smiled, bit her bottom lip and almost turned away, a little ashamed. Suddenly it all clicked into place. I really ought to have had a bigger issue with it. I mean, the girl who was at times "my girlfriend" all goo-goo eyed over the girl who may as well have been my literal sister.

"Holy shit," I whispered.

Jessie turned to find me already watching her. She tensed for a moment and fired, "What, you find some kind of old-fangled book porn in there?"

I watched as she took a deep breath and let it out. Almost like she had been fearing this day would come, resigned to whatever end. "It all makes sense now," I stated, quiet enough that only she could hear me over the music.

She seemed scared. More scared than she should've been, but in hindsight, probably an appropriate amount. "Does this mean we're breaking up?"

I snickered, "Do you want to break up?"

She seemed confused, "Now that you know, nothing changes."

I leaned a little closer, "Listen, your choice and all that. I'm happy to be your beard if that's what you need. Not like I've got girls knocking down my door or anything."

Her relief was evident immediately. She pulled me close, and hugged me tight. Before she let me go, she planted a kiss on my cheek and whispered, "You know I love you right?"

"Love you too."

"Get a room you two," Lily noticed our embrace.

"We have a room right here," Jessie joked.

"If you two are gonna go all kissy face give me like two seconds warning so I can run away, k?"

"K," Jessie replied as she nudged her way under my right arm as I returned to my book.

"A hug, a kiss, and cuddles all in one day, Jessica Louise, what's gotten into you?" I nudged her rib with my hand.

"Shut up! I told you that middle name shit in confidence."

We both smiled and I meant to return to my book, but I caught her peeking out from behind it. "You're using me to gawk at my sister," I mock accused.

She feigned affront, "I mean, were I to say that it was one of, but not the only perk of our relationship, would that suffice to ease your pride." I shrugged and heard her say the words that sparked this whole journey. "Besides, your sister is fucking hot."

I laughed at the freedom of her saying those words. Then my mind began to pick them apart, realizing that I too believed it. I didn't even realize I'd said it until I heard it clearly, over the sound of silence, and music no longer playing, "She is hot."

We were looking straight into each other's eyes. I could have played it off. Said we were talking about someone else. It would have been a lie and if there's one thing I found in this world; Lily can see through my lies at a glance. She didn't always say she knew, but there would always be this look, like, "Nice try."

My heart began beating again when the next song started and Lily danced, a little shyer maybe. Not any less sure of herself, but more thoughtful. I felt Jessie's laughter against my chest as I sighed into the pages of an old friend, The Hobbit, a book I'd read countless times before. So began my stint in a sit-com worthy script of a life. How I Met My Lesbian Girlfriend: The No Kissing edition.

Chapter 5:

I'd like to say the days that followed were easy, but Jess had opened my eyes to something I hadn't quite understood before. Lily was my sister, all legal and what not after the mound of papers. She was also my best friend, had been since we were crawling. Now, now, there was that something else. That simple little seed of a thought that grew. Not just in realizing her beauty in its full glory, but also in realizing those feelings I had for her had always been more. More than what they seemed, more than what I showed.

I found I actually had a need of a beard myself and with Lily still unaware of Jessie's preferences, I was free of having to explain away why a teenage boy would rather spend a night at home with his sister while she studies than go out on a date. Jess helped me keep myself in-line, most times, but she was not always so intent on playing the innocent bystander. She had just gotten her acceptance letter to the same university Lily and I were attending after senior year. She was so excited, she ran into the house squealing and waving the letter about. Completely innocent and caught by surprise, she gathered both Lily and I into a group hug. She gave us the good news, thanked us for helping her keep her grades up.

She pulled us close and kissed both of our foreheads. Jess started rummaging through her bag looking for a CD to play.

Jess handed Lily a disk and leaned in, "You got everything set for the party next month." She seemed as excited as we were for us to be joining her in adulthood.

"I dunno why you keep calling it a party, there's only gonna be a handful of people here. Lily's friends are throwing her a thing earlier in the day since Aileen and Nick said, 'We don't want a herd of screaming girls running around the house.'"

"God, I love your parents," She smiled. "Surprised you've been okay with sharing your birthday parties every year. Your birthdays are close, but still, you're a year older for a full week before you get to celebrate it."

"Honestly, I never wanted the parties. Hell, if not for you, no one else would've came anyways." I thought a little deeper, "When we were kids, our parents used to do something similar. I mean, we both had our own parties, but then we would always get together on Lily's birthday again, just them and us. I dunno, I always kind of liked that we shared that."

"You know, you're adorable sometimes," Jess teased.

"You two need some time alone?" Lily asked, eyes playfully watch as Jess nuzzled her head underneath my arm.

"Not particularly," Jessie said the words, then turned my head to her with a hand on my chin. I didn't expect the hug. I certainly didn't expect it to linger. I found myself, embarrassed and confused as my eyes found Lily watching. She flushed. As I've said before, Jess and I had certain boundaries. PDA didn't factor in, because there were very few displays of affection to begin with. Jessie's devilish smile was fixed on me. I could almost see the gears turning in her mind. I knew, it wasn't so much about me. I loved her and she loved me, but our relationship was fairly clear from the start. But damned if I didn't feel a chill down my spine.

Early June rolled around, as did our graduation. Now free from the toils of school, at least for the summer, we spent quite a bit of time together. Often the three of us together, but every once in a while I could sense Jess plotting something as she would pull me aside for a few minutes at a time to be alone. There were no more kisses, but she would ask dozens of questions, carefully gauging my responses. All of this would seem not so unordinary, if every question didn't lead back to a certain source.

"Ever wonder why she doesn't date?" Jess asked me as she sat on my desk chair, feet up on the seat, spinning. Her long legs bared by the shorts she wore. I found myself staring, not as a friend would, but as a man who has found a very keen interest in the pleasant shape revealed as her bare legs gave way to the nearly skin-tight blue fabric of her shorts. I mentally shook my head, berating myself, but she had seen. She had seen and all she did was smile.

Shit, she asked a question. "I dunno. She just doesn't. You'd be far more likely to find her head buried under a pile of AP books than out."

"Yeah, Lil's a total nerd," She smirked, "Runs in the family apparently."

"I believe you just insulted me, but when you smile like that it softens the blow."

"Whatever you say nerd boy, but," she paused for emphasis, "What if it's something else?"

Curiosity piqued, I asked, "What do you mean?"

She pointed to herself and added, "Not like I'm running around trying to get dates."

"You think Lily's gay?" I asked, not really believing it.

She shook her head, "No, no, I'm like 99% sure she doesn't play for my team, but I am 100% sure it's not just about studying."

"Now that I think about it, she's only been on a few since we started High School. And none in the past year," I shrugged, "I just assumed it was her trying to focus and keep her grades up last year before college. And how are you so sure she doesn't play for your team?"

"I may have tried to make a move on her once," she said, suddenly shyer than I'd ever seen her. She pulled back just a bit, almost as if she were expecting me to be mad.

"Hmm?"

She shook her head, "This was last summer." I tilted my head, surprised that neither of them had told me for a year. "You had gone to the bookstore and Lily suggested we watch a movie. I don't know, I got comfortable as she leaned against me, and I just stopped thinking for a second and did it. She didn't run away in disgust or anything, but she was confused."

That was a large bit of information to process, when I finally managed to tuck the thought away somewhere, I asked, "What happened then?" Perhaps it sounded a little too eager, right brain.