Adventures in Modern Dating

Squick alert: Contains incest.

April Fools 2024 contest entry. Please don't forget to check out the other entries!

The inspiration for this story comes from Bamagan's Incest Quest. Their 12-part story is heavy on fetishes but the underlying app was the spark for this story. A very special thank you is in order.

Every person engaging in sexual activities in this story is over the age of 18. This is a work of erotic fiction. Any resemblance between the characters or events and any actual persons, living or dead, or events is unintentional and coincidental.

Let's swipe right, shall we?

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It seemed innocent enough.

An email in my inbox, announcing a new dating app being tested in our area. I marked it as spam and deleted it. Anything that promised results without relying on pictures and profiles sounded too good to be true. You know the old saying, anything that sounds too good to be true usually is.

The same email came the next day, with the same result. And the next day. And the next day. I opened the fifth one and looked for the little unsubscribe link. I unsubscribed with a note to stop sending me these emails typed into the box provided. I hadn't signed up for anything like this but maybe my sister April did it as a joke. It wouldn't be the first time one of us had done something like that for April Fool's or a birthday.

On the sixth day, a different email. Same app, same promises, different presentation. I unsubscribed and reported it as spam.

It became a routine. Wake up, check my email, unsubscribe, report, delete. Somewhere around day 18, a new email showed up in my inbox. The subject read "What Have You Got To Lose?"

I opened it, I don't know why. Idle curiosity, I guess.

There was no fancy ad, no hype, no fantastical pitch. Just a detailed list of all the rejections I had received on my other dating apps, including dates. At the bottom was a table of stats. The most telling stat was the average time on profile. It was 23 seconds. That's how long the average woman looked at my profile before moving on.

23 fucking seconds. I timed it and it was depressing.

Their interpretation of the data showed that, even though women thought I was around a 7 on a scale of 1 to 10 in attractiveness, my profile personality rated a 3. The summary concluded I was too introverted to succeed at online dating, the women I found attractive according to their profiles were more extroverted, and that extroversion was what they were looking for in a partner. I was also apparently trying to punch above my weight in the looks department, too. Oof.

Hey, a man's gotta dream, right?

The last line of the email was in large print and again asked the question, "What have you got to lose?"

That was a pretty good question at that point. I quickly decided that I could lose the dating apps, since I obviously wasn't getting anywhere and now I had an informed idea as to why. I deleted my profiles and then deleted the apps from my phone. I also deleted the email. I toyed with the idea of confronting April about it but decided I wouldn't give her the satisfaction.

The next morning, the email subject line read "What Is Wrong With You?" I deleted it unopened and before I could close my email app, it was back. So I deleted it again. It reappeared almost immediately. The third time, "READ ME!" was appended to the end of the subject line. I had a degree in computer science and this raised all kinds of red flags. This was not a practical joke from April, she wasn't technologically disadvantaged by any means but this was professional quality shenanigans.

I closed the email app and ran the antivirus supplied by my cellular carrier. Nothing out of the ordinary. I searched online and found a separate antivirus I could run without downloading. It was also normal. I tried a third with the same result. I didn't have any kind of malware on my phone.

I went back and opened the email. Again, "What do you have to lose?" was the headline. Below, it went over the virtues of the app being pictureless and not requiring a user-supplied profile. No lying about looks or interests. A detailed questionnaire was provided free of charge, the true/false answers would be evaluated using artificial intelligence and matches based on personality and temperament would be provided.

There would be a period of app-based text question and answer interaction, also evaluated by AI, to further determine compatibility. We would then be encouraged to meet face-to-face in a neutral location after uploading pictures to the server, which would be scanned and evaluated for compatibility. A footnote briefly described the process, indicating the pictures would be subjectively rated for attractiveness and those persons with similar levels would be encouraged to meet personally, as studies had indicated that disparate attractiveness levels did not mesh well.

I thought that sounded like bullshit, a computer rating my looks. How would it know if I uploaded somebody else's picture?

There was a large blue button at the bottom of the email, titled "Start My Assessment." Right underneath that was the magic question again, "What have you got to lose?"

You mean besides what's left of my self-respect? Nothing.

I clicked on the button and it took me to the app store to download the app's beta version. After it installed with a clean bill of health from the antivirus, I opened it. My first name and a picture of me appeared, with the option of uploading a different picture. I didn't give it permission to upload pictures but when I opened the permissions page, it had already been granted. The option was grayed out, so I couldn't change it. So that was how they solved that particular problem with picture authenticity.

It wasn't a bad picture, my hair was combed and I didn't have anything stuck in my teeth, so I left it as is. The personality and temperament assessment was next. I began answering questions, all of them true or false. They appeared to be randomly distributed and after a while, I began to recognize questions, which only differed by a word or two or by the degree of detail involved.

I answered them as honestly as possible, erring on the side of negative if I wasn't sure. I don't know how many questions I answered, they weren't numbered, but I was at it for about an hour. After the last question, the app indicated that further questions would be forthcoming as the AI evaluated my answers and formulated additional ones to further clarify my previous answers. I closed the app and went about my day-to-day activities.

After I had graduated college and gotten a job, I moved into an apartment near my parent's house. I usually went over for dinner a couple of nights during the week and I would sometimes hang out on the weekend if I didn't have any other plans. I usually didn't. My sister still lived at home while she finished college, she didn't have that many credit hours left until she finished her degree. She also rarely had plans for the weekend.

April was two years younger than my 25. Like me, she wasn't supermodel pretty but she wasn't butt ugly, either. She was the best kind of friend and sister, kind, thoughtful, and giving. Unfortunately, she was fixated on the fact that she didn't look like an Instagram queen, with the bubble butt, push-up bras, and off-screen sugar daddies paying the bills. We didn't argue much but when we did, that was what we argued about most.

I showed up on a Saturday morning, the plan was to help Dad clean out some of the old lawn care stuff and make room for the new riding mower they were planning to get. He had enjoyed cutting the grass with the push mower but his arthritic knees decided they felt otherwise and it was time to give in. Unfortunately, there was some kind of issue at work and he had gone to deal with that instead.

April was sprawled out on the couch, nose in her phone. At first, I thought she was lost in her usual deep-seated jealousy of all things influencer but the stare of intense concentration caught my attention.

"Hey, April. Whatcha doing?" I flopped down on the couch next to her.

She jumped in surprise, flattening the screen against her chest. "A survey. Why?"

"No Instagram? Surely somebody put out to get a Lambo or a new yacht from their sugar grandpappy?"

"Probably. I'll check later and let you know. You want something?"

"Nope. Supposed to help Dad but he had to go fix something or the other. Mom's probably playing with her plants again so it's time to annoy you."

"Right, Paul." April kept the phone pressed against her chest while giving me her classic side-eye.

"What are you watching?" Something about the way she was acting made me curious. It wasn't social media, she would have had the phone in my face, complaining that it wasn't fair so-and-so had a new car because she got a boob job.

April didn't need a boob job, she wasn't huge but you couldn't call them itty-bitty. The way she was holding the phone between them made the fabric of her shirt tight over the globes and she had a visible case of the pokies. As usual, she was totally unaware. Her exercise shorts were bunched up and there was a faint indentation between her legs. Her bare heel concealed most of it. As a rule, April disliked clothes of any sort. She didn't parade around naked but if she didn't have to wear them, she wouldn't.

"I told you it's a survey. About woman things."

"Cool." I pulled out my phone and opened up my sports app. I started scrolling through sports stories randomly and she relaxed. She shifted slightly so I couldn't see the screen without moving my head and went back to doing her survey. April let out a sigh of accomplishment and dropped her phone into her lap. I still couldn't see what had captured her attention like that.

A minute later, an alert sounded on my phone and a banner flashed across the top of the screen. April glanced over as I swiped up to dismiss it. It was that damn dating app announcing I had more questions to answer.

I had alerts muted on my phone as a rule and April knew it. She smirked at me, "Finally got a hit?" She had accidentally discovered my attempts at online dating and thought my losing streak was funny. I couldn't imagine her reaction if she found out just how bad it really was.

"Nope, there's a Premier League match starting. It didn't save the previous settings when the app updated yesterday." It was too early for that day's matches but April didn't know that. She shook her head sadly.

As she went to pick up the TV remote, I put my phone on vibrate quickly. I didn't need her finding out about this one. I had already told her I had given up on virtual dating life.

April scrolled through the offerings on Netflix. She settled on a movie that screamed "chick flick" and settled back, phone still face down in her lap. We sat in silence for a while until she broke it.

"Wanna go to the bookstore later?"

Her question was surprising. I couldn't remember the last time she asked me to go anywhere. Usually, if she wanted to go someplace, she would just go.

"Yeah, I haven't been in a long time." She was still engrossed in the movie so I checked the dating app quickly. No hits, just the additional questions.

Putting my phone down, it didn't take long to recognize the movie. It was a chick flick that she liked, the name escaped me, boy meets girl, they fight, they fuck, they fall in love, and then live happily ever after. Pretty much every one of them ever made was like that.

What was weird was that she wasn't just watching it, she was studying it. Usually, her phone would be in her hands while she scrolled through Instagram or TikTok and recited the dialog in sync with the characters. Not today, though. She was all business.

We watched the rest of the movie in silence. She scrolled around after it ended but couldn't find anything else she was interested in.

Standing up, she stretched before pulling the legs of her shorts out of her crotch. "I'm going to go change, I'll be right back." As I had suspected, she just had the shorts and T-shirt on. She tugged on the back of one side where it had started to creep up her ass cheek as she walked away. Like her boobs, her ass wasn't bad at all. Guys usually spent more time staring at her ass than girls spent looking at my dating profile.

I knew she didn't do things like that on purpose. It was uncomfortable so she fixed it. There was no ulterior motive involved. It was actually sort of endearing. Just April being April. Clothes were a necessity to be tolerated.

She came back in jeans and a T-shirt. She had put on a bra, which she tugged on the band to adjust while making a face. We headed out to the backyard to let Mom know we were headed out so she wouldn't be surprised.

April was unusually quiet on the drive over to the bookstore. She occasionally checked her phone for notifications but miraculously stayed off social media.

"What, did all social media go down?" I couldn't control my curiosity any longer. I had never seen her go this long without scrolling through something.

"Don't think so. Just not into it today."

"Who are you, really?"

She looked thoughtful for a moment, like she was taking the question seriously. "I'm beginning to think you're right about all that stuff. I really wanted to believe that if I was prettier or my boobs and ass were bigger, really hot guys would like me. When I actually started looking at the hot guys in the comments, a lot of them were either pathetic or absolutely disgusting.

"I know you're going to laugh but I tried the dating apps you tried. The only attention I was getting was from guys Dad's age. What was worse was they were just as nasty."

"Sorry." I didn't know what else to say. I was aware of the horror stories of dick pics and outright solicitation. Every article I read about online dating for guys told you not to do that shit.

"I hope you don't act like that, too. I'll kill you if you do." It didn't sound like she was kidding.

"I told you I quit dating apps. Tired of getting shut down. I guess I'm on the too boring side of the dating spectrum."

"How old were they?"

I started to get mad at the implication but she meant it seriously. "My age, give or take a couple of years. 18 is way too young."

"At least you've got that going for you." April stared out the window. "Can I ask you a question?"

"I guess."

"What do normal guys like? I think I've spent so much time trying to get attention from the wrong guys that I don't know how to interact with normal guys."

"I don't know. I think it's kind of like the way girls are. They'll tell you they like this or that but when they get it, that's not what they wanted at all. You just know what you want when you have it." All I could do was shrug my shoulders. "I'm not an expert at anything except getting rejected so my advice is probably suspect."

"That's not helpful. It's not wrong, just not helpful."

"Tell me about it."

"So if you're not using the dating apps, what are you going to do?" She turned to face me. She was completely serious.

"I guess just wait for somebody to come along and hope I don't fuck it up." I had officially locked myself in the lie of not using a dating app. "Guys have got to be asking you out."

"Not really. I'm the weird girl now. I need to know someone before I go out with them. I can't go for some random guy and those are the only ones who want to talk to me now. The minute I start talking about getting to know them, they lose interest. I think they're just looking for a quick fuck."

I had nothing to say to that. I had known a few guys like that in school.

We drove the rest of the way without talking. When we walked in, she headed for the fantasy section and I made my way to the mystery and thrillers. I found a book I was looking forward to reading and found a chair.

Pulling out my phone, I started going through the new questions. Most seemed to be a continuation of previous ones but there were some new ones mixed in.

I had just finished answering the last of the questions when April texted that she was up front and ready to go. I paid for my book and we walked out to the car.

I had just left the parking lot when her phone pinged. She silenced it quickly without looking at it. I was going to ask what was up but the sideways look she shot my way made me think twice. I guessed it was probably a fuckboy so I left it alone.

The rest of the way home was uneventful. We talked about the usual family stuff, my job, her classes, and people we both knew. Dad was back from the office so we started on clearing out a space to park the new tractor.

After an early dinner, we gathered in the den to watch whatever my mother felt like watching. The conversation was fairly predictable, my mother filling me in on the doings of various relatives, punctuated with commentary from my father. April spent the evening on her phone, occasionally pausing to add her take on something.

As I left for the evening to go home, my phone vibrated. A quick check showed some more questions and a potential match.

I put away the leftovers Mom sent home with me and got ready for bed. Grabbing the phone, the new questions were more specific about activities, hobbies, and leisure time.

The potential match information was a little disappointing. It told me that she was around my age and slightly more physically attractive than I was. She was medium height and her weight was proportional to her height. I found out that 83.2 percent of women in my attractiveness range would find me equally hot. Better than zero, I guess.

Based on our answers so far, we were rated at 90 percent compatible. The projected compatibility rating was 93.6. I was still not thrilled that I only had one possible match. I guessed that might change with more information and more participants.

There were a few additional questions about body types and stuff, which I answered generically. There were a few A/B choices I had to go through, almost like a smash/pass type thing.

When I finished that task, I was returned to the home screen and noticed a progress bar across the bottom. It sat at 18 percent, displayed in green. As I watched, my phone vibrated again and the bar jumped to 25 percent.

A little notification popped up, telling me that my compatibility score was now 95 percent. We would be progressing to the next stage and I would receive further instructions tomorrow. I closed the app and soon fell asleep.

The app had been busy overnight. I had a new set of questions and two more potential matches, 82 and 76 percent. Those were results I could be happy with.

The new set of questions were of the "What would you do?" type. There were fewer questions but they took longer to answer. I was encouraged to answer candidly and the AI would strip out personally identifiable data, then present the sanitized answer for my approval before submitting it. I quickly learned it didn't like he or she for pronouns, preferring they/them. In fact, it didn't care for any gender-specific words.

I answered all the questions, although it took most of the morning. I was doing my laundry Sunday night when I received the new set of questions. My top score was still 95, I had one at 60, and my third match was gone. The 60 was in yellow, so I assumed that was the cutoff.

These were more detailed questions about moral and ethical choices. Instead of multiple choice answers, I had to justify my answer in detail. Several times, my answer was kicked back until I had given sufficient details.

The next morning was the first time I didn't have questions waiting for me. In fact, the app was quiet all day. I lost my second match sometime during the afternoon and my first match was down to 94. That bummed me out a little.