After the Show

Sunday 11th September 1960

"Do you think your friend..."

"Konrad. My house mate. He's not my friend..." David interrupted Alison who continued on.

"Don't be like that. You're living with him. I know you like sweets but will Konrad, your friend, like a cake?" Alison asked.

"Of course he would. He eats anything. He's a regular dustbin."

David was standing at the Balfours counter chatting to Alison and Helen. It was Sunday, the last hour at work for all three who were manning two of the stalls set up at the Adelaide Show during the September school holidays. David had walked across the aisle from the Reids' stall where he was demonstrating and selling white goods but as there were no potential customers, he strolled over to the Balfours stall to chat to Helen and Alison who weren't busy either. Their supervisor had wandered off as the crowds had thinned. There were more stallholders than visitors and some stalls were already packing up.

"This cake's a little damaged and won't be sold," said Helen. "I'll put it in a paper bag for you to take home. Here you are. Now be off with you and we'll see you at two thirty outside the main gate on Goodwood Road."

"Your eyes are so blue, Helen, I get lost in them. Thank you so much for the cake. Later, I'll give you a kiss for thanks," he said.

"You've learnt flattery, David. You're so full of bulldust, it is almost scary," Helen said.

David Murray played soccer as a forward for Souths and was their main striker. He had a dazzling turn of speed and ball sense that often gave him that precious fraction of a second to steady and score. He was 21, slim hipped and broad shouldered with hardy an ounce of fat on his five foot ten frame. A slightly oval face with merry blue eyes was ever grinning with the jokes he was telling or pranks he was about to unleash. His work at Reids had been arranged in England by his father, a clergyman in the Church of England before David came over to Australia as a ten pound pome. He had settled at Mrs Oliver's who took in boarders. But Mrs Oliver had gone home to England at the end of May and would not return until early November. She had sold a small block of land to finance her trip and had left her boarders to look after themselves. Keith, Konrad and David did just that. Keith much older than the other two wasn't much of a cook and took himself off to Strathalbyn at weekends to see his mother who would do his laundry. Konrad was a third year uni student training to be a science teacher. He was blond, slim and had a short haircut, almost crew cut length but it was a short back and sides. He was the same age as David, an inch and a half taller but shorter in the leg.

At a quarter to three Konrad heard the radio blaring before he heard the sound of the tyres on the gravel driveway. David and the girls had arrived in Reids' utility that David was looking after until the next day. As they stepped out of the utility, Konrad could see that the good looking girl carried a larger handbag while the other girl was still in her work clothes. He went to the back door to greet them.

"Konrad, my housemate, feast your eyes on these exquisite creatures from the Royal Show otherwise they are at Balfours assistants in Rundle Street. This is the incomparable beautiful Alison on my right, and on my left is Helen who leaves the original Helen of Troy much in the shade. Ladies this is Konrad, a much improved cook and now a dishwashing champion. You should see him with a mop and bucket, he is awesome."

"Helen, Alison welcome to our humble abode. I see David has brought you without losing bits of you on route. Can I offer you some refreshment? We have beer, lemonade, cola, spirits, rum, gin, whiskey, vodka or perhaps some wine? Sparkling wine? We have sauterne on ice."

"Do you have cola?" Helen asked.

Konrad opened the pantry door and looked at the shelf.

"Sadly I didn't stock any in our pantry," Konrad replied disappointed. "But I'll jog down to the deli and get some," he continued.

"There's no hurry to do that," Alison said. "As long as you've got beer."

Both girls chose beer so everyone settled on that with salted peanuts to chew on. They stood around nibbling the nuts while Konrad poured.

Konrad had quickly inspected the girls. Helen was the same height as Alison but looked shorter because she was of a sturdy build. Both girls were blonde: Alison's hair was long and wavy on her shoulders while Helen's was drawn back from her fringe into a short ponytail that barely reached the back of her neck. Alison's hair had been bleached blonde but Helen was a natural blonde. Alison's face was more oval and like a pearl, luminous in the fine quality of her skin. Helen's skin seemed fleshy by comparison, much like David's round complexion that had been scarred by burns to his face. Neither girl was overweight though Alison was about a stone lighter than Helen. Alison had changed into a loose frock with big multicoloured roses set on a cream background and wore high heels. Helen had stayed in her Balfours smock and low heels. Both girls wore red lipstick.

"You don't have a television," Alison stated as she looked around the lounge room.

"Mrs Oliver has a small sized set in her room and that's locked. She's taken the key with her to England," Konrad explained.

"What size does the Queen watch in England?" David asked. They looked blankly at him. "Philip's six inch," said David. After a moment or so they all burst laughing.

"It could be an eight inch," Helen said. The others hooted.

"Definitely not a twelve inch or it would have made the Sunday papers in Fleet Street. We would have read about it in a tabloid," Konrad said.

"You read tabloids? So do we, my mum and me," Alison said.

"Let's sit at the table in the kitchen," said David. The green laminex top table was about four foot long and two foot wide with two benches attached to backrests. It was a four person booth from a café dining room and a tight fit. Alison slid in and David sat next to her while Helen sat opposite Alison. David told jokes and stories about people at the Show and again he had the girls laughing. Konrad kept the glasses filled but didn't say much.

"Who has bigger breasts than Brigitte Bardot?" David asked. Various actresses were named but none of the candidates met David's nod.

"Do you give up? Victor Mature's beats them all," he said. The girls shrieked and laughed.

"Oh, it's so true!" exclaimed Helen.

"You've got five seconds to find a word ending in '-ats' that makes sense in the sentence: 'I'm frightened of ...'" said David. "If you can't find a word in five seconds, you have to finish your drink or pay a kiss to whoever helps you out," David continued.

"I'm frightened of bats," said Helen.

"I'm frightened of cats," Alison said.

"I'm frightened of rats," said David.

"I'm frightened of gnats," Konrad said.

"I'm frightened of Fats," said Helen.

"You can't be frightened of fats. That's not possible," David said.

"I can be frightened of Fats Waller," Helen said.

"Or she could be frightened to use olive oil, butter, Copha or margarine," Konrad said.

"An incorrect challenge means you have to scull your beer David," Alison said.

"Caught by his own trap," said Helen. They all laughed and cheered as David drank his beer. They were having fun.

"You're next Alison," David said. Alison was stumped for a word. Helen counted down the five seconds: "One, two, three, three and a half, four, four and a quarter, four and a half, four and three quarters..."

"That's blatant cheating," said David.

"Five. Time's up. I'll help you out seeing no one else is offering," Helen said and continued, "I'm frightened of brats, that will do the trick."

"Alison you have to kiss Helen," Konrad said. They all burst into laughter. Alison leaned over the table, eyes closed offering her pecker to Helen who grabbed her by the back of her head and planted a juicy and lingering five second kiss.

"That's to make you two jealous on what you've missed out on," Helen said. David had hoped for a different outcome and not with Konrad.

"How about a game of cards?" David asked.

"You're the hosts," Helen said.

"I'll get a deck of cards," Konrad offered and went off to look for his cards.

"I'll get matches to bet with," David said and reached for a box of matches. He took out a roll of Lifesaver peppermint lollies from a pocket, put three on the table as well as three matches.

"The aim is to pass the lifesaver to the next person by holding a match between your teeth and the Lifesaver on the match. The person receiving the lolly also holds a match and sucks the lolly in after it's passed from match to match. I'm going to pass to Alison," David said.

"I wouldn't have guessed that you'd pick Alison first," Helen said sarcastically just as Konrad came back with a deck of cards.

"Alison passes to you Helen and you pass it to me. I get to suck the first mint I've passed, Helen sucks the second passed and Alison sucks the third."

"Helen, I'll pass you a Lifesaver if you like. This is a game we played at school socials," Konrad said.

"I'll pass on the Lifesaver to David. Thanks all the same," Helen said.

"Do you know a good game?" Konrad asked.

"Pontoon," said Alison.

"Twenty one," said Helen.

"Poker," said David.

"By a slim majority of three to one, it is blackjack, pontoon or twenty one," said Konrad.

"OK. But we need a banker so we'll have to give the job to some one and that's not fair," David said.

"We can have an automatic banker," said Konrad.

"Are we right about the rules?" Helen asked.

"Pontoon beats five card trick which beats ordinary twenty one which beats twenty or under," Alison said.

"You've played the game before," David said.

"There ought to be fifty two matches in the box. Alison can count out ten for each of us and what's left is for the banker," Konrad said.

"You put in a match to buy a card," said Helen.

"If the banker gets twenty one he collects double from each player," said Alison.

"It's an it," said David.

"You're a nit pick. We play 'twist' and can 'stick' on fifteen," said Helen.

" 'Split' equal cards," Alison said.

"You can double what you've got in front of you, in your next bet," said Helen.

"Banker stays on sixteen," Alison said.

"You can 'hit' or 'buy'. But how does the automatic banker work?" Helen asked. She was expertly shuffling the cards. "Nice deck," she said as she handed the cards to Konrad.

"It's a ghost and sits on this end. How many matches did the banker end up with?" Konrad asked.

"Eleven," Alison said and continued, "We say 'flip' instead of 'hit'."

"Nice little racket for Redheads. It says 'Average contents fifty two'," said Konrad.

"Never mind that. Are we playing or not?" David asked. Konrad put the pack in the middle of the table.

"OK. Put in your match and draw a card. I'll draw for the banker's card," said Konrad.

Konrad drew 9S, Helen got 8H, Alison had QD, David 9H and then Konrad put the banker's card went face down on table. Konrad put in a match, drew 3C then 7C for another match and said 'stay'. Helen put in one match drew JC and said 'stay'. Alison put in with two more matches, bought AC, said 'Pontoon' and turned the card showing the Ace.

"Lucky at cards," said David, "unlucky in..."

"That's superstitious crap," Konrad said.

"Children, stop bickering you two," Helen said.

David put in a match, drew 7S and said 'stay'. Banker had 4D, 6H and drew 3S, then 3D. Konrad said, "Banker pays 17."

After that round the banker had only two matches left. Konrad picked up the cards on the table and returned them face up to the bottom of the deck.

"What happens when the banker goes broke?" Helen asked.

"Whoever has the most matches lends the banker ten and when the banker is in funds again repays eleven; that's if there isn't another box of matches in the house, but I see there is another box and it's nearly full," said Konrad.

"Bankers have deep pockets and a money tree," said David.

"What's a money tree?" asked Alison.

"If a bank has to keep twenty percent of all deposits in the till then the banking system can lend out five times the amount of those deposits. A bank pays say ₤3 on a ₤100 deposited and collects at 5 percent on ₤500 that it lends out. It pays 3 and collects 25," said Konrad.

"And that's the money tree. Can we play the game, now that you've given your lecture," said David.

"Don't be so mean David. I found that interesting," Alison said.

Helen picked up the deck and dealt for the banker, first to Konrad then herself and around the table when all the stakes had been put in. Everyone put in just one match for the second card. Konrad stayed on 7D and KH, Helen had 9C and QC, Alison got 2D, 2S, for four matches she bought 10S and for three more she got 7H. David received 5S and AS, bet four matches, got JD and stayed there. The banker showed AH and 10H. After settling accounts David owed the banker four matches.

"David, how are you going to pay up?" Konrad asked.

"Dave is going to lose his shirt," said Alison.

"Not necessarily on this round. He can auction his tie," said Konrad.

"How would that work?" Helen asked.

"The bank will accept the tie as real property and bid one match for it. We go around and anyone else can pass or make a higher bid but no more than twice what the previous bid was. Say we all decide to bid. The banker goes first and bids one. I can bid two, Helen is next and can bid up to four and if she does that, then Alison can bid up to eight and then it's the banker's bid again. The banker throws a six sided cubic die and if one comes up the banker doesn't have to bid but in five times out of six the banker will bid the smallest amount which in this example would be nine," Konrad explained.

"We haven't got a die," said David.

"I've got two in my backgammon set," said Konrad.

"I play backgammon," Helen said.

"I play backscratch," Alison said.

"We must have a game sometime," said Konrad.

"Stop yakking, get the bloody die so we can play this Pontoon," said David. Konrad stood up.

"Remember no one has to bid anything after the banker has bid if you don't want to buy David's tie. Then the banker owns the tie and David gets one match and he is still three matches short of meeting his debts to the banker who will then want more of David's real property. I'll go and get the die," Konrad said. He left the table and returned a moment later in time to catch the end of David's joke about female medical students.

The professor, said David, didn't like female students and tried to embarrass them if he could. One day during a lecture on anatomy he asked the prettiest female to come to the blackboard and draw the male genitalia. "Come, come, miss," the professor said, "You can't be shy about it. You'll be seeing lots of penises as a doctor. You have to get used it. Here's the chalk and draw on the blackboard." The girl drew an erect cock, nicely shaped with the head showing. "Hmm, miss," said the professor, "we don't normally draw an erect penis." "That's the only kind I've ever seen," said the student, "and you're always on about that we should only draw what we have seen and I've never seen a flabby penis."

"Nice comeback," Helen said while they joined in the laughter.

"Here we go then, Banker puts in a bid for one match, and seeing this is 'be kind to David week', I'll put in a bid for two matches," said Konrad.

"I'm in for three matches," said Helen.

"I'll pass on the tie," said Alison.

"Now for the acid test. The banker rolls and if he gets a snake eye then Helen has David's tie for three matches and David is still one match short to meet his debts and must raise more funds. Let's see what David will roll for the banker," said Konrad. David cupped the die, shook his hands and dropped the die on the table. It showed five.

"Right, the banker bids four matches and we go around again and I bid five matches which is stupid I know but I'm being kind to David," said Konrad. The girls didn't bid.

"OK. David again throws the die and if it comes up one or two the banker doesn't have to bid again. Throw the die and here is hoping I'm not stuck with your tie," said Konrad.

David rolled the die and it came up five again.

"What a relief that is! Whew," Konrad exclaimed.

"You're making up this game as we go along don't you?" Helen asked.

"Can you think of a fairer way to finance David with matches? Then I'll be in it," Konrad replied.

"Hand over two matches to David," Alison said.

"Before the banker gives money, David has to drink a toast to the successful deal that was done. We'll roll the die to find out who represents the banker and both David and the banker drain their drinks. If the die shows one or four then I'm toasting David. If the die turns up two or five then Helen toasts David and Alison is on three or six," said Konrad.

"But we can all drink if we want to, can't we?" Alison asked.

"Of course we can. Do you want your glass topped up?" Konrad asked.

"Alright," said Alison.

"Let's just throw the die," David said.

"What's holding you up?" Helen asked.

David rolled the die and it came up two.

"Helen is the banker and drinks with David," Alison said. David had more than half a glass of beer to drink and Helen had less than half a glass. Alison and Konrad also took a sip of their beers.

"Let's play the next round of pontoon, my luck has got to change," David said. Alison dealt the next round on the banker's behalf. Konrad collected AD, 5H, 6D, 6S for an outlay of five matches. Helen got 9D, 4H, 4S for four matches. Alison picked up 8D, 4C, 5C for three matches. David could only afford two cards with his two matches and picked up KS, 3H and stayed. Banker picked up 8S and KD.

"Banker pays nineteen," Alison said. Banker had beaten everyone.

"There's got to be a way to finance David and all of us for that matter without losing any more clothes," Helen said.

"You mean some kind of work that the banker will pay for," Alison said.

"The nature of labour, which is paid work, is somewhat degrading. You wouldn't do it, usually, unless you were paid to do it," Konrad said.

"What about setting up Chance cards like in Monopoly and I could get ten matches or five matches," David said.

"But Chance cards can also work against you. You could lose an item of clothing or have to do something you might not like," Helen said.

"Alright, let's put in twenty chance cards. Ten cards with rewards from five to ten matches and ten cards with penalties," Konrad proposed.

"Twelve cards with penalties would be better, that way each of us could write three penalties," Helen said.

"I'll get twenty two library cataloguing cards and four pencils," Konrad offered.

"Better bring more than twenty two in case some of the penalties suggested are over the top. I wouldn't do a penalty I hadn't agreed to do previously," Helen said.

"Meantime, while I look for the library cards, you can think of chores or penalties and their rewards that you would like to see on the Chance cards," Konrad suggested before he went to his room.

"Have you ever wondered why some nationalities have really big sausages, like say salami for Hungarians or Fritz for Germans, or Polish sausage or British saveloys. Do you think that's got anything to do with how big the nationalities would like their men to have as cock size? With Germans having enormous cocks while the British are much smaller," David asked.

"Are you worried David that Konrad's Polish sausage will be bigger than your saveloy?" Helen asked.

"Nah, I've seen his sausage and I'm not worried," David replied.

"I can't find library cards but it doesn't matter. I've got three sheets of blank paper which I can cut up into twenty four pieces," Konrad said as he distributed the pencils and then folded the paper, cutting with a sharp kitchen knife where he had folded. He had sixteen Monopoly sized Chance cards cut in a minute. Alison offered to write the ten rewards cards while Helen and David set to writing the penalties as Konrad finished cutting the last sheet of paper. He too set to writing down some penalties. Alison finished writing each of the numerals five to nine on two cards so there were ten rewards cards with no complications. Some pencil chewing was happening as the four set to writing the penalty cards.