All is Fair Ch. 01

As they passed through a more secluded hall, Josh could hear Audrey grumbling to herself. He just sighed and endured...

They ended up in the "Smoking Room", a little secluded area that was distant enough away from everyone else. It had some nice leather couches, some TVs and speakers, and a little stocked bar. Right now, it was where Audrey and her girlfriends were catching up on their holiday gossip.

"So did you hear about-"

"You are not gonna believe what Mia got-"

"I heard she had to blow some dude to-"

"What? Oh come on that's-"

"I wouldn't doubt it; Mia's always been a little bit of a-"

"Ahahaha HA!"

"Oh my god, you are SO..."

Josh... wasn't exactly involved in the conversation. He mostly just sat by himself while they all talked and gabbed about their gifts and making plans and all that shit. Actually he wasn't alone, Audrey's friends had bought their boyfriends along as well. One little circle for the guys and one for girls. And yet Josh didn't feel like he belonged in either. Wouldn't be so bad if that didn't describe his situation at almost every other get together since he and Audrey started dating.

Maybe it'd be easier if he had some friends to counteract all this with. You know, bounce things off, shoot the shit. Most of his old friends had dried up not long after High School ended, and he hadn't exactly made any at his college yet; though maybe that had something to do with his affinity for online classes. Audrey's circle was really the closest thing he had to a group of friends at the moment. Her friends were his, and all that. And it's not like they were unbearable, they just-

"OMG! Did you hear what happened between Shareen and-?"

"Holy shit, what a fucking trainwrec-"

"Is that why she's not here toni-?"

"I heard her and Kile were going pretty strong, but I guess not-"

"Kile was always a fucking douchebag anyway, I never liked-"

"I can't believe he'd do that to her! And after all the-"

"His fucking yoga instructor or some shit. I CANNOT fucking believe-"

"You're not gonna see that happen between me and my man! Mmm Mmm-!"

You know, they were girls. Josh maybe thought he'd get some reprieve in the guys' circle, but they weren't exactly-

"Anyone catch the Riga Baton vs Juno game last-?"

"Oh God"

"Yeah, and I'm never paying pay-per-view agai-"

"Barry Thomas was really off his gam-"

"Well don't fucking tell me what happ-"

"You didn't miss much, trust m-"

"So, how'd Veronica like the pearls, she-?"

"Oh, Incredible. Thanks for reccomen-"

"You and her free the fourteenth? Patty wants to-"

"Ah, I can't. Me and her are-"

"I'm thinkin' Dorsche but I'm not-"

"Dorsche? Well maybe I could..."

They reminded him of Patrick Bateman's friends from American Psycho. Rich, preppy, well dressed, in shape, slicked back hair, an air of bravado and, a-and...

To be frank, Josh didn't feel like fit in. He felt, almost... inadequate, compared to them. I mean, what was Audrey doing with a dork like him when she could have any one of these guys around her finger? Josh thought about that...a lot.

And it's not like they ostracized him or anything, they were perfectly friendly. It's just that they didn't have anything in common beyond the fact that their girlfriends knew each other.

His father said that'd gotten more social, but had he? Not much had really changed beyond him being physically near more people. He still felt that disconnect. Maybe not with Audrey, but with everyone else he didn't really...

"...Josh? Yo, Josh!" he heard.

Josh blinked. He must have zoned out for a second there. One of the boyfriends was currently propositioning him with something. A guy with brown hair he wanted to say was named... Luke?

"Huh? Uh, w-what was the question again?"

"I said do you think you and Audrey would be clear next eighteenth? After Valentines, of course. Me and Patty scored an excellent reservation at Dorsche's, but we really need a second to double up, you understand?" he said coolly

"Oh, uh..." Josh just stiffly shrugged "Yeah, that... sounds good I guess"

"You guess? Well come on, man, I need definites here"

Josh felt more uncomfortable "Uh, w-well-"

Another chimed in "Aw, give him a break. You're not the one having to-"

"Heh, well, that's true. I guess you'd have to get permission from Audrey first, Haha!" they laughed. A few of the other guys laughed too, leaving Josh out.

...Was that a joke?

Now the groups were mixed, Josh paired up with Audrey on a loveseat. His head was spinning...

"...I actually heard they spit in your food if you can't speak it over there" a friend chimed

"Oh!"

"Terrible"

"I'm glad I took French in High school, otherwise-"

Josh didn't want to be too quiet, so he muttered an "Uh, yeah..." along. It didn't seem to matter either way

"Can't your, uh, Uncle or some shit speak a different language?" Another friend asked. It was directed toward Audrey "Portuguese, or...?"

"Espe-ranto" she said as-a-matter-of-factly

"The fuck's that?" one of the guys asked. Audrey seemed more than happy to explain

"Well, Charlie" she began "Esperanto was started by this jewish guy during the Holocaust, right? He made it up so the Germans or whatever couldn't understand what him and his buddies were saying? Anyway, after the war it got super popular in like Africa or wherever, and is basically like a worldwide second language now. My uncle Lewis uses it like all the time for his business deals overseas. Thinking of picking it up myself actually" she finished with a prideful smirk.

"Oooo"

"Wow..."

"I didn't know that!" her friends all said

That's... actually not what Esperanto is, Josh thought. Esperanto was created by an 1800s polish man to be a second language so that the different cultures of his city could communicate, eventually becoming a movement for a universal second language. Josh remembered telling Audrey about it one time when she asked, but they had been watching a Holocaust movie at the time, so he guessed she'd been only half paying attention to him. He didn't correct her though, he knew better than that.

...But it shouldn't be that way, should it? I mean, Audrey cares about Josh...

Right?

Now they were eating dinner, seated at a long table in the dining room. People were talking, eating, bustling everywhere. Josh and Audrey were seated together, with his father not too far down. Thankfully, he didn't seem to be making too much of a drunken scene.

The food was good, sure, but Josh wasn't hungry. He couldn't focus on it. He just felt a big pit of nerves choking up his stomach.

...Look, he KNOWS Audrey has a more sensitive side. More caring and, uh... you know. She likes to act tough around her friends and all, but he knows the real her. The heart. The tender, intimate, passionate, uh... well the last time they were like that maybe isn't the best example.

"God, can you just hand me my vibrator?"

What about... Oh! Their first "real" date. At Frederick Park, on that ferris wheel.

This was a little while after they'd first met, and Josh still wasn't sure if he could call her his "Girlfriend". But a local fair had come into town, and he thought it was the perfect opportunity to take her out.

She looked beautiful, in a little shoulderless top and skirt. There was scattered food on the ground, and bright lights shining onto them from the stands. Josh waited forever to get her some popcorn, and when he came back she was staring at a big plushie prize for a shooting game. Josh didn't know how he did it, but he scored on the first try! She looked so happy, cuddling it when he gave it to her...

Then someone passed by, someone she knew? This part's a little fuzzy. A guy he thinks? He was with a girl. He doesn't think Audrey knew her, per se... Anyway, he stopped to say hey, but Audrey wouldn't have it. Super cold, wouldn't hardly look at him. Then she wrapped her arm around Josh's; called him her boyfriend! Hugged up so close to him. Smiled. Like she was his. Josh remembered having the biggest grin on his face. The way she caressed him...

When he suggested going on the Ferris Wheel, she was ecstatic. Held onto him the whole way. There was a line, but she waived their way past, whispered something in the technician's ear. They sat down, it started up...

He held her hand.

Then, somewhere near the top, it had stopped. Josh was a little concerned at first, but Audrey wasn't. She started kissing him, roughly. She pulled him on top of her. God, they were in public; she was biting her lip! Josh was still disoriented, a little awkward. His hands were shaky, but she didn't seem to mind. Audrey had pulled his hand onto her chest, under her top a-and then...

The Ferris Wheel started back up. Audrey quickly pushed him off, shot a huff and grumbled about something. At first Josh thought he'd done something wrong, and... it hurt. A lot. But that all just kinda melted when, after the second go round, he realized she was still smiling.

Right at him.

After they got off, they headed back toward his car. He had to carry her plushie, which was, uh, a little big. But he didn't mind. Audrey thanked him on the drive home. Thanked him for a fun night. Josh of course was bashful, told her not to worry about it. But when she put her hand on his thigh, and mentioned something about pulling over so she could 'thank' him...

Well, heh

Josh had to, uh, clean up the back seat after that date was over...

That was another nice memory. And it still amazed Josh that he had managed to hold on to a great, fun girl like her.

So what if she's a little, uh...

The point is that...

It-

She-

* * * * *

...Well ya know, i-it's just one of those feelings that's too difficult to put into words! So what if she... yells at him, belittles him, flirts with guys behind his back while he carries her bags like a-

I-

You know what? Josh is j-just gonna... stop thinking about it! This is a nice dinner, he's with a beautiful girl, his father is... slurring a man's ear off a few seats down. Why does he always have to go and overthink things? He's not gonna ruin this; he's not!

Just... focus on your meal. Smile a little!

After dinner was presents.Most of Audrey's extended family gathered into the little living-type room from earlier, the one with the tree. It was pretty crowded, with almost 4 different generations of Filmore stuffed into one room. And it felt like it too. Thankfully, Josh was attached by the hip to probably the most important one in there, so he at least got a seat across from Audrey. Mr Filmore was strangely absent, in fact Josh doesn't think he's seen him all night. His father wasn't there either, but frankly Josh's mind was focused on a more pressing matter at the moment.

"Alright, I'll be Santa!" a relative announced"First one we got is for..."

This was it.

Josh had spent months saving up for Audrey's gift. Working double shifts, picking up extra hours where he could at his job. That on top of all the other stuff he'd been doing with her (and for her), along with his classes made the last few months hell.

But it was going to be worth it.

Josh knew Audrey had expensive tastes, and that he wasn't always able to satisfy them, but it wasn't about that. He really wanted to get something nice for her, to... treat her like a good boyfriend would to any girl, if he had the means. And what he got was really something special. Beautiful, elegant; small and simple but still priceless enough without being too gaudy. Like Audrey. That was the idea at least...

Anyway, once he saw it he knew it was perfect. He fell in love right there. He just hoped she would too. Seeing her smile...

"...Alright, next we have..." they picked up a tiny one and read "...TO AUDREY; FROM JOSH"

There was a little "Awww" among some of the guests. Audrey soaked up the attention and directed a loving looking grin toward him. Josh just gulped and tried to stay calm. The anticipation only rose as she was handed the gift.

This is it!

Audrey delicately undid the little bow on the box and took off the top. What she pulled out was a sleek, silver bangle, topped by a small, shimmering jewel. Audrey examined it for a moment before taking a second look through the box.

"Is this it?"

A deep stroke of pain hit Josh's heart. Like all the anxiety in him pouring poisonously down his throat.

He winced, but tried to keep smiling "Uh, l-look in the center, babe! Heh..."

Audrey flipped it over and read the inside engraving.

"To Audrey, my Beautiful Little Red Lady - Josh" she said woodenly

"A-And uh-" Josh pushed his glasses up "That's a, uh, p-point thirty three carat diamond!" he tried to recover. Audrey still didn't look very impressed

Of course though, she drew up a smile "...Awww" she let out half-enthusiastically "Thanks... baby..."

She got up and gave him a reserved hug. Josh's heart was still bruising, but he just pushed the pain deeper down and smiled tighter, patting her on the back.

"N-No problem, babe..."

Audrey sat back down and the gift giving continued. Josh meanwhile just sat stiffly in his seat, trying to hold it together; trying to convince himself that that was genuine. That that hug just then didn't feel just as cold as when they were making love the other day.

It's not like that, S-She's just...!

Before he knew it, his gift was next"Alright! And, next is... AUDREY TO JOSH!"

He was promptly handed a long rectangular present, with a beautiful red bow and little tag hanging off saying "Josh♡". Audrey on her part didn't look anxious or nervous, just kinda rolling her eyes like she always did. Josh forced an appreciative nod and started shakily unwrapping it.

O-Okay, so- E-Even if she didn't like it- er,

I-I'm sure that, THIS will show just how much she...

As Josh removed the cover of the box, he was greeted by a wide sheet of plain white paper. Confused, he slowly pulled it out and examined it, eventually turning over. It was a bit difficult to read in his state, but he recognized his name in fancy writing, along with a few other words like "CLUB" and "VERIFY". Josh didn't know what to make of it

"Um... what is this?" he asked

"It's a Gym Membership" Audrey said bluntly.

"A... Gym Membership?" he repeated. His voice sounded fragile

"Tch, yeah" she ridiculed "So you can finally beef up your scrawny ass".

Her remark spurned laughter from her family. All snorting and heaving with their disgusting rich jaws. Audrey just smirked, relishing in the attention.

Josh's world zoomed out and away from him. He just stared blankly at the cheap little sheet of paper. Audrey's gift to him after a whole year together. Not moving. Not breathing. His mind far, far away from any thought, just grounded enough to feel.

To feel the poison boil in his stomach.

Feel it travel back up his throat and choke him.

Spread to every inch of his body like heavy, black tumors.

Not breathe until he was forced to suck air back in, letting it invade his lungs like a suffocating death.

"Lanky Freak!"

"Fucking Wimp"

"Stupid"

"Faggot!"

"Scrawny Ass..."

A part of him cracked. Like a piece of fine china.

...Josh came back down to Earth, paralyzed. His body didn't move a muscle. His face was just frozen in a pained smile looking down at the gift. He could only hear the disgusting laughter die down as the room moved on from his humiliation.

"Ah ha! Oh, anyway; next is..."

The cracks got deeper.

He was back in the smoking room now, looking limp and dejected. The bubbling of a bong could be heard next to him.

Audrey was beside him, taking a hit.

"Och, Augh!" she grunted, pulling back coughing up smoke. The smell made Josh's nose crinkle.

"God, where- *hack* -where the fuck did you say you got this shit again?" she complained, red-eyed and hacking. She passed the bong to Leslie, who was similarly high.

"Some dude from Boston. This twitch streamer or something, he's tight" she said. She was much more mellow than her cousin.

She offered the bong to Josh "You want some, man? You look depressed or something, heh"

Josh uncomfortably rejected it "Oh, uh... no thanks. I'll... probably have to drive my dad home later..." he sighed.

Audrey snorted

"Pfft, yeah, sure. Mr 'responsibility' here, HA!" she mocked, wiggling her fingers.

After they got done with the presents downstairs, Audrey decided she needed to come down a little. Josh had heard her badmouth her cousin before, but he guessed it didn't matter when she wanted to get high. The whole room was getting baked, with all of Audrey's friends also turning up. Drinking. Loud music. Patty and her boyfriend Luke making out on the couch. Not like this was something new to Josh, he was just once again left out. Being called the sad-sack square and feeling like it too.

Audrey must've already been feeling the effects, he decided. She giggled a kitten-like smile and laid against him, closing her eyes. At least she tended to get more affectionate when she was like this...

"Mmmm" she moaned, nuzzling into him

Josh saw the bracelet he'd gotten her around her wrist. Next to a dozen other bands just like it, all nicer. He felt this throat lobb up again. More poison spread through his system. It was only compounded by the flimsy gym certificate lying next to him.

Josh felt hot. His shirt felt like a million jackets. The leather just made it worse. His stomach was balling in a putrid knot. The music was making his head throb, and the smell of the weed just made him sicker. He felt like he would suffocate. His girlfriend's head in his lap didn't make it any better. He just wanted to be alone. He needed air.

Audrey had already fallen asleep, so it wasn't difficult to push her off. It's not like she'd care anway. Josh just gently left her on the couch and got up, but he didn't feel better. He was unraveling. The clamp was tightening. His lungs were failing. He felt like he'd die right there.

It was only after he'd gotten past the sliding screen doors to the little terrace area outside that he was able to breathe. Josh gasped. He gasped again. He kept gasping harder and harder until he threw himself onto the railing. His body shook, and he began to dry-sob as he held back tears.

All that work

All that effort

All that anticipation and build up

The nice words, holding her bags. Putting up with her friends that he didn't like. Always trying to calm her down when she got angry. Dedicating himself 100% to her, and always treating her right. Never being rude, o-or abusive... Always agreeing and making sure she got what she wanted, even if HE had to suffer... Treating her like a f-fucking PRINCESS and driving her around, and... following her around like a DOG, like a MULE, while she yelled, and YELLED, and F-FUCKING bitched... about EVERYTHING, and, a-and...