America's Watching

"You managed to form your humble opinion just by looking at court records and a solo meeting with my wife? Doesn't seem like much to work with from my point of view."

"No Mr. Carpenter, my humble opinion, as you put it isn't formed solely on the transcripts given to me by the judge in your divorce proceedings or one meeting with Mrs. Carpenter. In truth I've been treating with your wife for nearly a year."

That surprised me.

"I don't mean to offend you, Doc but this sounds like a set-up."

"Believe me it's not. I'll leave it at that. And Sherry is aware that I would be talking to you sometime soon and has told me that I was allowed to disclose any and everything that we've talked about to date. May I?"

I just nodded.

She could sense that I was less than enthused to hear anything sounding like a flimsy excuse or any psycho-babble.

She saw this and quickly added, "I know you're skeptical Mr. Carpenter and no, I am not suggesting that you accept what I'm about present as an excuse for your wife's actions. In fact, I have no intention of suggesting you accept any explanation for your wife's actions. All I ask is that you keep an open mind and hear me out. Can you do that for me?"

I simply nodded for her to continue.

"Mr. Carpenter there's little doubt that Sherry got caught up in a perfect storm. It began with the whole idea of being on the show and progressed from there. She wasn't just a fan that enjoyed watching the show, you already knew that. Your wife seemingly lived to appear on that show. In her mind from the moment she was chosen to be on 'America's Watching' she was in a fantasy world. When she opened the mail box that fateful day, she basically became another person. We've been working hard to figure out why she would allow herself to become this other person."

She removed the cap off of her bottle of water and took a sip "I do have a possible explanation or explanations as to why she may have gotten so close to this other man while she was away from you. Although I'm the first to admit that we have yet to establish the definitive answer we all seek, I truly believe we're moving in the right direction."

I didn't speak so she continued, "It's a very complex situation and I'm afraid anything I say will be difficult for you to hear."

"Go on" I said after clearing my throat though immediately questioning my decision.

"I've heard of cases like this before though I'm the first to admit that I never seen it happen so quickly. I have a theory about that as well, but perhaps I'm getting ahead of myself."

That's when I said with a smile, "Come on Doc. Spit it out. I have places to be and things to do."

She could tell my remark was just a good natured jab, so she smiled back and continued.

"Mr. Carpenter, I believe that your wife had a difficult time in separating this reality TV show from reality itself. I believe that deep down she missed you terribly, but couldn't figure out a way to show her remorse leaving you behind."

"Seriously? She misses me so she became Jake's wife instead?"

She leaned back and smiling slightly said, "You're very perceptive because that's exactly what I mean."

"Awww...come on Doc. She's a big girl. She knew right from wrong."

"Maybe not as much as you might expect. I think she clung on to him in your absence. As you said, she became his wife while she was on the show. It allowed her to feel protected and loved just as she is when she was home with you and your daughter."

"So why didn't she adopt a daughter to go along with a new husband?"

She chuckled a bit before answering, "Once again, very perceptive."

I was confused and proved it with my next brilliant question.

"What?"

"You're on the right track. I went back and watched the entire season and noticed that she was getting closer to the one young woman even though she was on another team or whatever they call it. She was becoming motherly until the girl was voted off the show early on. I believe that by her temporarily adopting a new family, it helped her cope with the stress of being on the show."

"But she wanted to be on the show, lived for it in fact."

"I agree, but subconsciously she probably felt a terrific amount of guilt about leaving you and your daughter behind. Having this Jake guy and the other young lady gave her back some of the comfort she was missing in her life."

"Is that supposed to make me feel better Doc?"

She just shook her head and gave me time to let that sink in before I said, "So in a way she was trying to replace her own family. Is that correct?"

"On a purely temporary basis. Unfortunately when the show ended reality hit her right between the eyes. She didn't understand that what she was doing was wrong even if it was temporary. And she certainly didn't understand how what she was doing might look to others. Just look at how oblivious she was to most of the remarks from her fellow housemates."

I wasn't too sure I agreed with everything she said and felt it was a reach at best, but perhaps it was plausible; at least to some degree.

After a long pause she said, "There is another possibility and quite honestly it's something that could either play a part in what I had just laid out or work independent in it of itself. Either way I'm certainly not going to be doing you or your wife any favors by telling you this."

I asked the obvious question, "What's that Doc?"

She hesitated and took a deep breath, "There is a chance that somewhere along the line she totally fell out of love with you."

She could read the sadness on my face. It wasn't like I never thought of it myself, in fact I often assumed it was the reason she did what she did or at least part of the reason, but to hear it from a person qualified to form such assessments stung quite a bit.

"Please Mr. Carpenter, there's a good chance that this is not the case. You yourself said that until she opened the mail box that day that there didn't appear to be anything wrong between the two of you outside of the occasional spat or two. What's more her falling out of love with you would certainly not explain how she could walk away from her daughter, not to mention her sister and parents."

"But falling out of love would help explain her other affairs, wouldn't it?"

Shaking her head she replied, "Not necessarily, but it's something that can't be ruled out. It's difficult to say really."

"Well that I guess that almost kind of explains it, sort of."

She laughed good naturedly, "I'm sorry Mr. Carpenter. That certainly wasn't one of my most...shall I say...compelling answers."

"Here's the thing Doc, having to watch her be seduced like I did on national TV was bad enough; don't you think? But then I have to listen to her calmly...got that, calmly tell her new lover of her previous affairs. Hell...I've heard her read off a grocery list with more emotion and never once was there even a hint of remorse."

I knew she was having her buttons pushed at the time, but she still managed to confess pretty damn calmly.

I stopped and took a deep breath then added, "How can anyone do that to someone they supposedly love? They answer is they can't! And if she had these affairs during our marriage that means that she never actually loved me."

There was silence for nearly a minute.

Finally she broke the silence with, "I'd like to tell you baby steps Mr. Carpenter that we are in the early stages of treating Mrs. Carpenter. I'd be lying if I said I had all the answers."

"Face it Doc, you're not really all that convinced she still loves me anymore either; are you?"

She thought for a moment before offering a measured answer, "Well...I think she loves the idea of being married to you Mr. Carpenter."

"Really wish you could so better than that."

"So do I Mr. Carpenter...so do I."

I shook my head, "Most people don't have learn about their spouses infidelity on national TV, so when you think about it I guess there's not much real about reality shows; is there?"

"No...there isn't and I'm afraid Mrs. Carpenter is learning that the hard way."

There was an uncomfortable silence which was immediately followed by more uncomfortable conversation.

"I would appreciate the opportunity to help you as well. I would like nothing more than to ease your pain and in doing so possibly make your marriage whole again."

I sat there staring at her diplomas hanging on the wall not knowing what to say.

"Mr. Carpenter, I've already told you that my work with your wife is far from over, but I truly believe she can return to being the woman you fell in love with married."

"Why? Sherry obviously was never the woman I thought she was when we married; was she?" I snapped at her.

I paused for a moment before continuing, "Don't get me wrong, this isn't about revenge on my wife. I don't wish anything bad to happen to her, I really don't and if you think you can help her I say go for it, but you're going to have to do it without me. I'm done caring. I'm dead inside."

After more silence I added, "Please Doctor, haven't my daughter and I suffered enough? This whole thing has been pure torture and it seems that the only person anyone really cares about is the person that caused all of this in the first place. What about Lynn and me? I don't mean to be selfish, but how the hell are we supposed to carry on with our lives?"

"How is Lynn holding up?"

"As you know Lynn is attending an out of state college and adjusting about as well as can be expected. I'm very thankful for that. She still has her friend's back home, but also new friends and her life is turning around. I don't know what the future holds for her, but she's proven to be one tough young lady."

"What about you Mr. Carpenter? How are you holding up? Have you moved on?"

I hesitated while searching for an answer. It wasn't cut and dry.

"I'm trying Doc, I certainly am trying. You're already aware I had moved to Florida before the show even ended and I'm still there. I couldn't remain in our hometown. Everyone meant well, but seeing those looks of pity wherever I went..."

I paused, not even bothering to finish nor continue my last thought.

"My lawyer handles as much as he can for me, but sometimes that's impossible, like this counseling session for example. I had to fly in for it and will have to do so for any future sessions."

"Wouldn't it be worth it if we can save your marriage?"

"Not gonna happen. There's nothing to save. She threw it all away for the chance to be on a TV show. How shallow is that? Then to top it all off she still insists on asking my daughter and I why we just can't forgive her for wanting to live out her dream. Well now she's free to appear on any other reality show she wants or shack up with some young stud that rocks her world. I won't stand in her way ever again."

With a caring voice she asked, "Despite all that happened, do you still love your wife Mr. Carpenter?"

I took a deep breath and sighed before repeating the question and replying, "Do I still love my wife? Yes I do, but she's dead to me."

She cocked her head to the side like a puppy not understanding a command.

"I must say that's a very interesting point of view. I don't believe I've ever heard someone say they loved someone and in the same breath state that same person was dead to them. Could I ask you to expand on that for me?"

"It's not that hard to understand really. Did you ever have someone close to you...someone you truly love...die?"

"Yes, but..."

I asked "Did you stop loving them?"

Doctor Royce smiled slightly and simply replied, "No."

I looked down at my hands and continued, "I do have some love for her and always will. I just can't shut that off no matter how hard I wish I could. But I finally had to accept I lost her. It breaks my heart to admit it and it took a while, but I managed to do it. She's no longer mine and as it turns out never truly was; at least not entirely."

I took a moment to collect my thoughts and she allowed me the time and space to do so.

"It might not have been that way if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes. All of it. Hell...I would have never known about the affairs if I hadn't of watched. I mean...I guess someone else could have told me, but..."

My voice trailed off again.

She sat there for a minute watching me struggle with my own thoughts before breaking the silence.

"I know you said it was difficult to turn away from the broadcast Mr. Carpenter, but can you tell me why you felt do compelled to watch?"

"I didn't want to watch. God knows I didn't, but I couldn't look away. It was like watching one of those wild life shows and you see the cute zebra about to get taken down by the lion. You want to stop it in some way, yell at the TV to make the poor defenseless animal aware it's about to be attacked, yet there's nothing you can do about it and you can't look away. Sherry was that prey and that asshole was the predator and there wasn't a thing I could do about it but watch."

"Perhaps in time, if the judge does grant a divorce you can find someone special."

I shook my head.

"I don't think so, Doc. Maybe the pain will fade some. I hope it does. But I'm not so sure about those images. Those God damned images of Sherry and those guys. My mind even tricks me into picturing her with the guys from her two affairs and that's only my imagination. I don't see how I could ever trust another woman again. No offense of course."

"None taken. But you do know it was on the news that the network is being flooded with letters from all over the world from women wanting to meet you."

"Just what I need. A chance let down another woman."

"You can't mean that."

"Can't I? You heard the things she said about me with the whole world listening."

I paused and to her credit Nancy Royce made no effort to speak, instead giving me time to finish my thoughts.

I was a bit choked up as I continued, "I'll never forget hearing those two guys planning and then carrying out my wife's seduction while I watched helplessly from three thousand miles away. And all the while there was nothing I could do about it; nothing."

"But the worst part was watching my wife giving them those loving touches, those loving looks that were once intended for me and me alone. My God Doc how it hurt to see the lust and love in her eyes as the show continued knowing that that lust and love was directed at others."

"Then to see her eyes glazed over while lost in the moment as another touched, caressed and kissed her followed by the ecstasy on her face as someone other than me pleasured her. How can anyone ever expect me to forgive and forget?"

I looked up the doctor to find a tear in her eye then asked, "And then there was that one moment the made my heart stop completely and made me wish I was dead. As incredible as it may seem, it wasn't the foreplay, the sex or even hearing about the other affairs."

I choked up wondering if I could relate what I wanted to without completely breaking down. My voice cracked at the outset then all the way through my confession.

"That one worst moment when my heart stopped was when my wife, the only lover I've ever had and the mother of my daughter allowed herself to be paraded past a room full of people like a sacrificial sheep by someone other than her husband and showing the world and especially me that she now belonged to another. Then to see that look of anticipation in her eyes as she followed that asshole up the stairs to his bedroom and the end of her marriage and all the while knowing that I was nowhere in her thoughts."

I then summed up my frustration with, "And now some judge, a complete stranger with no real knowledge of the situation thinks it's best if we kiss and make up and let bygones be bygones. So tell me Doc, is my life going to be turned upside down once a week just to attend some meaningless counseling? Again, no offense."

She said nothing; instead casting her eyes down to her notes. I couldn't help thinking that she wished she was anywhere else on the planet at that moment.

"So Doctor Royce...that's my story. You wanted to hear my story, so there it is. Do with it as you will. But please know that if you suggest another meeting or worse yet order one, especially one where my wife will be in attendance, you and she will both be disappointed. Truth is I would rather take my own life than ever speak with her again and if it comes to it I will. It's not a threat, just a certainty."

I felt a tear run down my cheek as the effects of reliving my own personal nightmare took its toll.

She stared at me for nearly a minute without speaking. It was clear she was trying to gauge my resolve before finally looking down at her notes while slowly shaking her head. Then she slowly leaned back into her big leather chair and placed the fingertips of both hands together as if she were praying.

She hesitated, but finally said, "I don't think that having you attend any more sessions will be necessary Mr. Carpenter."

She then leaned forward and closed the file and as she met my gaze said, "I agree with you. I think both you and your daughter have been through more than enough this past year and quite frankly I don't know of anyone that would be able to cope with all of this let alone forgive and forget. In many ways you're a remarkable man Mr. Carpenter."

"I don't feel so remarkable. Hell...I don't feel anything anymore."

She paused momentarily before adding, "I'll advise the court that the marriage is beyond repair. I sincerely hope you can put your life together if only for your daughter's sake."

I just nodded my head and sat quietly breathing a sigh of relief that someone other than my daughter finally considered my feelings.

"Before you go Mr. Carpenter, there are a couple of things I would like to discuss."

She looked back at me and began, "You made no attempt to hurt your wife either physically or financially. Fact is aside from keeping your retirement account and your car, you gave your wife everything else including the house her car and all of bank accounts. That's very impressive Mr. Carpenter. I will tell you that your wife was pleasantly surprised and appreciates it greatly."

I nodded in acknowledgement saying, "She suffered enough. She was treated like a pariah by her own family, all of our friends and pretty much the rest of America. I don't want to hurt her any more than she already was, though there isn't any way I can be around her any longer. I just want out. Thank you for seeing that."

I paused for a moment before adding, "Do me a favor Doc. I haven't known you all that long, but I trust you. Probably more than I should, but I trust you. If I ask you a question, will you give me an honest answer?"

She looked into my eyes and said, "Yes Mr. Carpenter, if I know the answer that is. You've been very open with me and I think I owe it to you."

I nodded and continued, "I noticed you're wearing a wedding ring."

She smiled, "Yes I am Mr. Carpenter, but I suppose that's not the question you needed the answered."

I smiled, "Now you're being perceptive."

She laughed, "Thank you."

"My pleasure." I replied then added, "I just want to know that if it were your husband on the show and he did to you what Sherry did to me, all things being equal including some of the reasons you believed she did it..."

I paused and she completed my question, "...if I would have forgiven him and taken him back in."

I smiled sadly and nodded.

She smiled back and while shaking her head said, "Not a chance. I could see how crushed you were by all of this and let me just say I feel for you. I don't believe I would have reacted any differently to anything you've told me."

She hesitated before adding, "I know yours is just one side of the story, but in this case I can view tapes of what took place, so don't have to take your word for it. I too saw it with my own eyes. I only needed to gauge your emotions. What's more your wife has admitted to most of it also."