Ancestry.cum Ch. 01

This family-friendly novel contains descriptions of close family members engaged in entirely inappropriate activities that some may find either disturbing or hot. This family is VERY friendly! If you find family members fantasizing about or taking liberties with each other or otherwise behaving in naughty ways, then you probably should stop reading right about... now.

All characters in this novel are fictional and are eighteen years or older. Any resemblance to any real person, living, dead, or under the age of eighteen, is in your own dirty little mind. Sadly, most of the events portrayed in this story are not based on true events. I wish.

If you are still reading and are not offended by MILF or SILF or BILF and believe siblings and other family members behaving in very naughty ways is hot, I hope you enjoy this extremely naughty story.

This is a long, multi-part novel which contains some slow-burn segments, which are essential to the story, and I hope you will agree are worth the build up and that your patience will be rewarded, as it delivers.

Chapter 01

Our 25^th wedding anniversary. The silver jubilee. The kids threw us a small party, family and close friends only, at our favorite restaurant. Low-key, but that's how we did things in our family. I gave her a sterling silver necklace and earring set, and she gave me an expensive silver pen.

On college student budgets, the kids could not afford much, particularly after the restaurant. Well, the younger 2 were in college. Our oldest, Chrissy, was 24 and had recently moved back in with us after breaking up with a boyfriend and quitting her job in Chicago.

"Open this one last," she said, handing us a square box wrapped in silver paper. Each of our kids signed the card. "It's from all of us--we thought it would be fun!"

Inside were two identical boxes. Those home DNA test kits.

"Now we will find out if we are German or Irish or British or whatever," Mike said. "Just spit into it and send it off, and boom! You will know who you are!"

"Spitting into a cup. How romantic," Leanne said, but with a smile and a twinkle in her eye. She loved the idea.

It was a lovely gift, since neither of us knew much about our origins. Leanne was my high school girlfriend, and we married in college when--oops! Chrissy arrived during Leanne's sophomore year, my junior year. The others arrived not long after graduation.

Back home, after the party, Leanne pulled out the boxes. "Should we spit in our test tubes tonight?"

Dressed in the flannel PJs she had taken to wearing for the last year or two, it was hard to see how sexy my wife still was. Perhaps as sexy as when we were in college. She took great care of herself, tennis league and yoga three times a week kept her figure a tight size 2. Nursing 3 kids left her with C-cups, which almost looked too large for her petite frame.

Almost.

The dress she wore to the soiree showed plenty of cleavage, and Champagne always makes me horny. "Spitting must be a new form of foreplay. The wonders of modern technology."

"Ha ha," she said, but with a smile that made it less harsh than it sounded. She began spitting into her little test tube.

"If you'd spat like that when we were dating, we would never have gotten married."

"Don't watch me spit!" She turned her back to me.

With the labels attached and tubes boxed in the return mailers, we climbed into bed together. I gazed into her green eyes in the glow of the alarm clock.

"You are still a beautiful woman, even after all this time."

"Thank you, honey."

"I mean it. Looking at you tonight, I could not believe it has been 25 years. Chrissy might be evidence, but you look more like her older sister than her mother."

"Aren't you the sweet one? Thank you for 25 wonderful years and 3 wonderful children." She kissed me on the cheek and rolled over, inviting me to spoon with her.

I love spooning. C-cups are literally meant for spooning!

"Remember what we were doing 25 years ago tonight?"

"How can I forget? Four months pregnant, I had to be on top. I was so convinced our daughter would arrive knowing all about our wedding night celebration."

I cradled a breast and went straight for the nipple. Flannel made nipples more difficult to locate, but pokies like hers are impossible to hide. I nosed blonde hair out of the way and kissed her neck gently as a butterfly.

"Not tonight. I'm tired. Tomorrow is a workday."

This is how it went recently. For more than a year. But this was a landmark anniversary, a special night. So, I got a little more vigorous with her boob.

"Come on, hon--let's celebrate tonight."

Sigh. "If you keep that up, my breast will too bruised for a bra, and you know what happens when I go braless to work. HR warned me that one day I wore that cute sundress, 'Your nipples are distracting to the male staff.'"

"They are very distracting," I said, twirling around the other one. That might do the trick.

"Go to sleep. I am exhausted and you are a little drunk. You should sleep that off."

There it is. I pulled my hand away from boob. Tomorrow morning I'd start the day jerking off in the shower. Like every other day.

Shit!

I was playing Wordle one evening when I received an e-mail alert. I had almost forgotten all about that DNA test.

"What do you know? Our DNA test results are in! Anyone want to know where we come from?"

Everyone gathered around for the big reveal. Chrissy sat on the arm of my chair, the others hunched over around us to see.

"England 45%, Ireland 35%, the rest Germany, France and... Greece? That's funny. I did not expect to have any Greek ancestors."

Leanne hovered close to see my phone. "Can you see mine?"

"I think so. Let me go back... Here they are."

Leanne started reading the results, same as I had. "45% English, 35% Irish--how funny, exactly the same as yours. 8% Germany, 7% France and I'm 5% Greek, too. Isn't that the exact same? How is that possible?"

"You two were made for each other," Sissy said. It is not her real name, but her older and brother called their little sister Sissy because it sounded cute, rhyming with her sister's name, and it stuck. Dumb as it sounded, we figured it was okay, as long as she was not a boy.

"I guess so," I agreed. "That is weird."

"Do you suppose there was a mix-up, and they gave us both the same results? Ran yours twice, or mine, and put the same results for each?"

"I suppose that is possible. Here, yours is female--let me check to see if I am a woman, according to their test."

Everyone laughed.

"That would suck," Mike said. "That is our anniversary gift they screwed up."

"Language, young man," Leanne said. "Not that I disagree with the sentiment."

"No, it says here I tested as male DNA, so that is not what happened."

"What's that?" Chrissy pointed to an icon with 40+ matches of some sort. "Did it find relatives?"

"Let's see." I followed the link. "What do you know? I have a bunch of relatives I did not know about."

"That one says you have a close relative. A sister--click that one. Did Helen take the test, too?" Leanne said.

"Not that I know of. Seems like she'd tell me we are British and Irish."

"Don't forget 5% Greek," Sissy added.

When I clicked, a pink, female silhouette appeared. "High probability match: sibling..."

There was dead silence. The name showed Leanne. My wife.

"That's not possible," she muttered. "Check mine--see if I have any matches. The only living person I am related to by blood is my brother."

I was feeling a little queasy as I retraced my steps back to Leanne's test results. Sure enough, she had 40+ matches, including one close family match. When I clicked on her match, guess who showed up?

"Holy shit! How is that possible?" Mike asked. Leanne did not bother to correct his language this time, because he said what all of us were thinking. "Seriously, you aren't even from Alabama, so how can you be brother and sister?"

"It's obviously some sort of screw-up," Leanne said.

"What if it isn't?"

"What does this mean?"

"Are you really siblings?"

The voices faded, all speaking simultaneously, impossible to recognize who said what. All I heard was one word, which popped up several times in different voices. "Incest... incest... incest."

I closed the site. "Okay, I will call them first thing in the morning and find out what the hell is going on."

"Daddy," Chrissy said with tears in her eyes, "are you and Mom related?"

"No, honey, that isn't possible. We came from the same town, so maybe we have some ancestors way back a hundred, two hundred years ago. But we aren't more closely than that. No chance."

"DNA doesn't lie, Dad," Mike said. Someone smacked his arm--probably his little sister. "What? That's what they say on CSI."

"Those are probably better tests than these home kits," Leanne said. "More scientific."

"Sorry, this whole thing was my idea," Chrissy said. "It was supposed to be fun!"

I gave her a hug. "I'm sure your mother is right. Someone entered something wrong when entering our results is all. We'll clear it up."

Then I stood up and tried to hurry from the room. Didn't make it. Halfway to the hall, I threw up my dinner all over the floor.

I was in bed an hour before Leanne came to join me, but I was still awake, rolling the probabilities through my head. She slid in behind me and, this time, she spooned me.

"Are you feeling better?"

"Yeah. Sorry about the mess. It was such a massive shock."

"Tell me about it."

"How are you feeling?"

"Okay. It has to be some mistake, right?"

"First thing I did when I came up here is research the accuracy of those tests. Did you know the one they gave us is considered the most reliable? Over 99% accurate. That's not just what the company says, that is from independent sites. Science sites."

"Does that mean you are my brother?"

"99% chance yes. Don't ask me how."

"Turn around and look at me." I rolled over to look at the woman I had been married to for a quarter century.

"What are you wearing?"

"Tonight is so warm, I decided to sleep in this. Like it?"

It was a white silk nightgown with little pink flowers, which fit her like paint. Two nipples poked through that soft, thin silk, aimed straight at me.

"You look fantastic in it, but is that really appropriate to wear around your brother?"

"Last time I checked, you were my husband."

"What do you know about your parents? Your family?"

"Nothing much. My brother and I were adopted--but you know that. They never spoke about my birth parents, and we didn't ask. They were real parents to us. What about yours?"

She put her hand on my cheek, cradling my face.

"My grandparents never said much, just that they died in that crash and how lucky it was my sister and I weren't with them, because it would have left them with nobody. I wish they were still alive--I have so many questions now."

"You are so adorable when you're nervous," she said, then started kissing me. Sweet little kisses on my face.

"Is that really appropriate?"

"What, I can't kiss my husband because some company screwed up our DNA tests?"

"What if they aren't screwed up? What if we are..." my voice lowered to a whisper, "brother and sister?"

"So what? We have been married for 21/2 decades. With 3 beautiful children to show for it. We have made love hundreds of times. Heck, if you figure once a week for 25 years, that's well over a thousand times."

"We haven't made love once a week in years."

"Then we have some catching up to do. But once upon a time, we had sex every day. And don't forget before we were married, when we were just brother and sister, even though we didn't know it yet. We had sex in 7 states before our wedding day."

"Don't joke about it! Just brother and sister!"

"We need to laugh about it, right? We didn't know."

"Don't forget the oral sex in Maryland. When we were just driving through."

"How can I forget the rest area?

"I wonder if that is illegal in Maryland?"

"Oral sex in a rest area is likely illegal enough." She slid her leg between my knees and snuggled close. Her breath smelled of peppermint.

"We need to verify this. I checked online, and the tests doctors give are much more accurate. We need to see Dr. Smith and get a real scientific test."

"Call in the morning and set up an appointment."

"I already set one online. Thursday at 10:00. Goodnight, honey." I leaned to kiss her, but when her lips parted and eyes closed, I veered away and kissed her forehead before rolling over.

"I called this family meeting to go over a few issues our DNA tests raised."

The kids were crowded onto the couch across from Leanne and I in our chairs.

"Like how we are children of incest?" Chrissy jabbed Mike in the ribs with a vicious elbow. "Well, we are!"

"We don't know that," I said, seeking to reassure them. "Your mother and I have scheduled a scientific test with the doctor. One of those medical-grade tests, the kind they use for evidence in murder trials and such."

"They are extremely accurate," Leanne added.

"We want you to know we are so, so sorry," Chrissy said.

Sissy added, "We hoped the biggest surprise would be Greece."

"Instead, we not only ruined your anniversary, we ruined everything!" Chrissy was in tears again.

"Listen, this doesn't change anything. Your father and I are married and we love each other very, very much."

"Let me ask a question," Mike began. "Are we brothers and sisters or are we cousins?"

"Both," Sissy answered.

"Knock it off!" I almost shouted, losing it. "You are still brother and sisters."

"And cousins."

"You are not cousins."

"Sure we are. Mom is our mother, and you are her brother, which makes you our uncle, right? So, we are cousins."

"This isn't funny, Mike," Leanne said, somehow keeping her cool.

"It's not meant to be funny. It's true."

"Moving on," I said, "in the meantime, let's not mention this to anyone. If it turns out to be a mistake--which it certainly is--we don't want a lot of prying questions. People will hear the rumor and believe anything."

"Especially since you and Mom look so much alike," Chrissy said. "I always noticed that. People ask me, 'Do you look like your mom or dad?' and I always answer both, because you really do look like you could be related."

Her comment made me gulp, because it was true. People frequently mentioned it, going way back. When we were dating, we joked that we must have been separated at birth. Sometimes, we told people we were fraternal twins. Leanne was much prettier than me, of course, but even our college professors assumed we were brother and sister.

"Some people are attracted to opposites, your father and I were obviously attracted to someone who looks like us. There's a term for that."

"Incest?" Mike was so helpful.

Chrissy shot him a nasty look. "It's endogamy, asshole."

I started clapping my hands to get this back under control. "Okay, we get it. This is very confusing to you, too. It's quite the shock for all of us, but we will get through this. The detailed test will clear things up, and I am sure it will prove this is a simple mix-up."

Too bad those words were easier to say than to believe. Leanne looks exactly like a female version of me. Same blonde hair, eyes the exact same shade of green. Both slender and had avoided the extra pounds almost all of our friends had packed on over the years.

"Did you know it's legal to marry your cousin in this state?"

Before I could scream anything, Sissy asked, "It is?"

"It's legal in a lot of states."

"No cousins are getting married in this family. That goes for siblings. And there will be no fooling around between brothers and sisters."

"You mean, other than you two?"

"I've had just about enough lip from you!"

Mike smirked. "See why it's better to call us cousins?"

"Enough about cousins! You are siblings. I was there when you were born and when you were conceived."

"Eww," Chrissy said, making a gagging motion.

When it was over, Leanne held me to comfort me. "That went well."

"It was a fucking disaster!"

"You nailed it--the kids are confused, that's all. Tomorrow we'll see the doctor and clear the whole thing up."

She hugged me tight, pressing those wonderful breasts against me. Still firm, even at 45. Inside my pants, I started stirring.

"Well, that is encouraging," she said, a sly grin on her face, so I pulled away before the damn thing reached full erection.

"Look, if I see Mike right now, I'll strangle him with my bare hands. I'm going to take a walk around the block. See you in a few."

"Want me to come with you?" Leanne loved walking. Said it firmed her legs.

"No, I need to think. Get some air. I need some time alone."

Everything was quiet in the house when I returned a few hours later. Leanne was in bed, white silk painted on again.

"Everyone asleep already?"

"Chrissy is in her room doing something. Mike and Sissy went to see a movie."

"Jesus Christ, are they dating now?"

"Calm down, they just needed to get out of the house, same as you."

"Have they ever gone to a movie before--just the two of them?"

"Come to think of it, not that I can remember."

"Goddamn it! You don't think..."

"Let's not jump to conclusions. A movie can still be just a movie."

"Remember the first night we had sex? Started out as a movie date."

"They wouldn't..."

"Mike has always challenged us. Rebelled against authority of any sort. That's why he's still a damn junior in college at 23."

"Changing his major set him back."

"It's fucking art school! What's your major in art school? Art! This is so like him. Artists are supposed to challenge things, he says. What better challenge could he have than rebelling against conventional morality? I swear, if he called Sissy his cousin one more time, I would have murdered him right then and there!"

"Surely she's got more sense than that."

"More sense than what? Her parents? Because, I'll have you know, they married their sibling."

By the time I crawled into bed, I had cooled off a little. Leanne was all over me, hands rubbing my penis and kissing me everywhere. I just lay there like a cadaver.

"Didn't you ever fantasize about your sister?"

If Leanne resembled me, she was my sister's doppelgänger. My other sister, the one raised alongside me by our grandparents, not the sister nuzzling my neck and gently squeezing my balls. Leanne always reminded me of Helen. The same lips, same tight derrieres, the same breasts. Helen has big brown eyes, though, so my wife looks more like me than my own sister. Other sister. It was still so hard to keep this all straight in my head.

I ignored her question.

That doctor's visit could not come soon enough. Leanne eventually gave up rubbing my crotch and fell asleep, still spooning me.

Dr. Smith walked into the tiny examining room and greeted us with, "What brings you two in today?"

"Could we speak to you in private?" I shot a glance at his nurse.

"Sure, Maggie can wait outside unless we need to draw blood or take your vitals." She slipped out. "What's wrong?"

"What we say to you, you cannot repeat it to anyone, right?"

"Absolutely not. Doctor-patient confidentiality is quite ironclad; I take it very seriously. Anything you say will stay in this room. In fact, until I know what this is about, how about I don't take any notes."

"Perfect," I said, and together we confided our tale of woe for the first time to someone outside our immediate family.

"I can see how that would be of great concern to you. I suppose you came to me for testing to either confirm or refute those findings?"

Leanne smiled. "Exactly!"

"Well, the tests we can run are extremely accurate, much better than those DTC tests. Direct to consumer. Those are reliable, don't get me wrong, but the ones we will send out for you today are state-of-the-art. If you are related, this will confirm it. If you are not related, then this will conclusively rule it out."