Apocalypse Wow, Pt. 18

"The van was, I don't know, maybe thirty or forty feet in front of us and there was this... moment, well, longer than a moment, but a kind of really weird silence. Us looking at them and them looking at us. I thought I could make out at least two people through the wind shield. I looked over at Chloe and at Lou. Chloe was grinning, like totally excited. Lou looked a lot more serious, she usually did actually, but she nodded. So I stepped out a little, my hands on the rifle and called out. I said it was good to meet them, that... that we had no intention of harming them but that we could defend ourselves if we had to and... and I suggested they get out of the van.

"So there was another long silence. Maddy told me later there was a lot of indecision in the van, I mean I can totally understand that, right? Anyway, eventually, they decided, I think Maddy decided actually, that she would get out but the rest of the group would stay, ready to high tail it if things went south.

"So she stepped out of the van, really slowly, with her hands in the air. I mean, we were expecting it, but it was still a little shocking to see her. She was so... she looked... it was hard to believe she could still move. She was so thin and... she looked just... just fucking exhausted. And fucking terrified too. I mean, can you imagine what they'd been through? All the people they'd lost? She wanted to... to hope, you know, maybe... finally, something good was happening, but fear is a hard thing to master.

"I introduced myself and... and the girls, I told her again we weren't a threat to them, that we wanted to help if we could. Caroline had always emphasised how important it was to have all the information about a situation as quickly as possible, especially numbers, so I asked how many were in the van and I could see her kind of looking back... you know, not really sure what to tell us. She told me later... man... she told me later, when she spoke, when she answered me, told me there were seven of them, that they had children with them, that she'd just decided, there and then, that this was their last chance. She didn't know whether we were there to save them, that's what she said, save them, or whether we'd... you know... the other thing but... she said all she could think about was Connie and Jaz... that she wanted them to survive... that this might be their only chance, we might be their only chance.

"And I have to tell you Pen... when we heard that had kids with them... I mean, shit. We'd talked about it a little when we were planning but... we'd almost completely discounted there being any possibility that children had survived. When Maddy said that I think I actually heard Chloe made a little sound and I couldn't help looking over at her. I could see this... this thing in her eyes, and she had her hand up over her mouth and I just smiled at her... man we were so fucking happy.

"Anyway, like I said, Maddy had essentially thrown caution to the wind so... she wasn't waiting around. She asked us immediately if we had food and water, said... you know, said they were in pretty bad shape. And part of me desperately wanted to just throw down the weapons and get the food out and... but Caroline had drilled us pretty good. We had a procedure and we had to follow it.

"So I told her we did have food and water, and shelter if they wanted it, but that we first had to make sure we were safe, that we'd need to see everybody and check for weapons before we went any further. And I was a little surprised when Maddy didn't hesitate, not a fucking second. She just turned to the van and waved her arms, told them to get out. I moved a little closer and Chloe and Lou came with me. So... we told them to go slowly, to keep their hands out in front of them or... or on top of their heads. We didn't raise our weapons or anything, but we had our hands on them. If something went bad... if this... if it wasn't what he hoped it was, then I didn't want Chloe or Lou to have to... to have to open fire so I kind of took charge.

"We got them all, Maddy included, to get down on their knees on the road and I kind of stood in front of them. Honestly, it was hard to keep my voice level, I don't know whether I was scared shitless or what but... and it was hard not to focus all my attention on Connie and Jaz. Connie was 10 I think, Jaz maybe 8? Anyway, at that point I really thought I might never see a child again, not until... anyway, they looked really scared, and in just as bad shape as Maddy, all of them really. So I was really calm, or I tried to be, tried to kind of smile a little. I told them our names and explained that... that Chloe and Lou were going to search them and search their van and that it would be helpful if they let us know in advance of anything we might be nervous about. And Maddy just looked up at me, I don't think I've ever seen anyone look so desperate, and she said 'we have nothing'... jesus Pen... there was so much loaded into those three words, you know? 'We have nothing'. They were really on the brink. I think Chlo and Lou came up with a couple of knives and stuff but... we were happy when it was done.

"I took a couple of steps forward and... tried to keep smiling. It made sense to go to Maddy first, she'd been, you know, doing all the talking and whatever. So I pushed my rifle around to my back and held out my hand, told her I hadn't caught her name. She stayed there for a second, on her knees I mean, kind of looking down at the others, looking at Connie and Jaz I guess but... she got up really slowly and took my hand, told me her name, and when I looked over, I could see Chlo and Lou helping the others up.

"Now obviously, food and water was their priority, right? And that was fine with us. But Caroline had warned us that we had to be really careful with people who were malnourished, we couldn't just let them eat all they wanted. Lou had been a nursing student before the First Day, so she kind of took charge of the food and water situation after that. So she and Chlo started to break open the rations, explaining the situation, you know, that they'd need to be careful. Maddy and Annie, she was one of the other adults, they came over to me. I think I could see that the... the fear in their eyes had started to give way a little, you know. Maybe there was hope there. They said thank you and, I mean, obviously they had like a million questions.

"Now, at this point, you're thinking about what're we gonna to with these people, right?"

"Right," Penny agreed, looking up from the notes she'd been taking. "I mean, if something like this happened today, taking them back to the community would be the obvious procedure to follow. We have people, facilities, security if necessary but..."

"But back then, the community was this house. And it was a lot smaller too, both physically and... well, there were seven of us, and seven of them. Was it really such a good idea to bring them back?"

"Hmmm," Penny sighed, looking up at Jim with a smirk. "From a security standpoint... it almost seems fucking crazy Jim! I mean, you had no idea who these people were, what they were capable of."

"I know, right? And I mean, we had talked about it, when we were making plans and all, like I said. I guess I'd been the one, I mean, as much as anyone, who'd pushed for, like, I mean I wouldn't call it an open door policy but... well... by then, we had a fence, the place was secure, and we had plenty of weapons. I was confident we could keep the house secure. If any new arrivals didn't want to stay, that was up to them, of course, but as far as I was concerned, we had a... an obligation, a moral duty to offer what we had. I guess that sounds pretty fucking silly, right?"

"Honestly Jim," Penny said, dropping her pencil and leaning back, "I... I'm not sure. I mean, sure, if I'm totally focussed on security... but... at the same time, if... if you hadn't made that decision, it that hadn't become the standard for your community, for the whole Network, I think maybe... maybe there'd be a lot less people alive today. Honestly, I think my instinct would have been the same as yours. Make it as secure as possible, absolutely, but the first duty has to be to help people, whoever they are."

"Couldn't have said it better myself Penny," Jim said with a satisfied smile.

"So what happened with the convoy?"

"I explained to Maddy and Annie who we were, you know, about the house and all, and Simone and others, that we had... security, power, plenty of food, although I will say it occurred to me that we'd have to start making real progress on growing if we were gonna double the number of mouths to feed. Anyway, like I said they had a million questions, so did we obviously, but I suggested that all that could wait, that... I mean, if they wanted, they could come back with us, let Lou and Caroline check them out, get a warm meal into them, a hot shower, sleep, rest, whatever they needed and we could take our time and... and talk it all out."

"So they came back?"

"Damn right they did, right away. We'd been on foot for maybe an hour so we piled into the van, I drove, and we brought them back to where we'd parked up our SUV and then we came right back here. Simone and the others, well, obviously it was quite the shock but, I mean even by then, the way Simone and I had felt when we found Chloe and then Caroline and then... what I'm saying is Penny, even by then the overwhelming emotion when we found new survivors was just... joy, you know. Hope. It was a good thing. The best thing."

"And I guess, I mean... obviously... they stayed."

"Yes they did," Jim said with a warm smile, "in fact, six months later, when we finally made First Contact with Haven, Annie was on the team that day, with me and Lou. I guess it was pretty crowded around here for a while but... we made it work. That was when we built the West Wing actually. Fuck Penny, when I think about those times... jesus it was just... constant... work and... I mean, don't get me wrong, yes it was hard but, fuck, did we have a lot of fun."

"I'll bet," Penny observed wistfully, as she tried to imagine what life must have been like in those pioneering days.

"Time for more coffee I think," Jim noted as he gathered the empty pot. "You can stretch your legs if you want Penny, we've been sitting down for like four hours or something."

"Yeah, thanks Jim," Penny said with a smile, "I... I guess I'd almost lost track of the time"

So as Jim returned to the kitchen for yet more coffee, Penny stood and stretched and then wandered around the room. There were some pictures on the wall and she recognised some of the faces, not least Lou Brown and a much younger Dani. Some were pre-First Day she noticed too.

She moved through the large open archway into a kind of living room with couches and arm chairs and a large, open fire place. There were some more framed pictures sitting on the mantle piece above the fire place and Penny felt her attention drawn to the one in the centre. It was Jim with Simone and Penny felt sure it was their wedding day. Jim wore a suit and Penny thought Simone looked to be about the most beautiful women she'd ever seen. She wore a long, silky looking white dress and her long dark hard flowed around her shoulders. She had a little bouquet of flowers in her hand but the most striking thing about the picture wasn't how they looked or how they were dressed. Penny was drawn to their eyes, their faces, the way they were looking at each other. That look, whatever was in their eyes, brought Jake back to her mind and, for a moment, what she was doing, her project, Scouting itself, all of it seemed unimportant.

She felt Jim walk up and stand next to her, taking the frame from its place into his hand, a gentle smile on his face as he looked at it.

"Can I... ask you about..." Penny said uncertainly, without finishing.

"About Simone?" he said, his eyes remaining focussed on the picture.

"Is that OK?" Penny asked. As the hours had passed, she'd felt certain she'd senses a sort of bond developing between them but there was a long pause and she worried that she'd misread that bond, or taken it one step too far, that, even twenty years later, this wasn't a subject he'd be willing to broach.

"Sure Penny," he said, "you know I get a lot of kudos and shit about the early years but, in reality, my wife did far more for-"

"No... I don't mean..." Penny was surprised that she'd interrupted him, and he seemed to be too, finally looking away from the picture but she was glad there was no reproach in his eyes. "I don't mean, like, work, the community, the Network... I... I wanted to ask about her... you know, her and you... like..."

"You mean... our marriage? Isn't that a little bit outside the scope of your project?" Jim asked, and her conversation with Dani the night before came to her mind again but she saw no ill omens in his face. If anything, the soft smile on his lips told her that, maybe, he'd figured out already what was on her mind.

"Yeah... not... not for the project... for... for me," she said, her eyes struggling to meet his.

"Come on," he said, his soft smile widening as he replaced the frame on the mantel, "coffee's ready."

Penny resumed her seat at the table, her mind trying to coalesce around what it was she thought he could tell her, what knowledge he could share that would shake the confusion in her mind loose.

"So what would you like to know?" Jim asked softly, setting a fresh cup of coffee in front of Penny as he resumed his seat.

"Did you love her?" Penny said quickly, surprising herself, although apparently not Jim, who simply smiled warmly again and replied promptly, not giving her the chance to regret her question.

"I still do Penny, I always will," he said softly, gazing into his coffee before looking up at her.

"How... how did you know?"

"That I was in love with her? Well... shit Penny," Jim said, scoffing, "jesus, I don't know... I guess... it's hard to put into words... I think I probably loved Simone from the first day I met her but, well, that was also THE First Day so it took a couple of weeks for me, for us, to figure it out but... I don't know, I guess it's a million little things. I wanted to be with her, all the time. I missed her like crazy when I had to be away from her, or her from me. When good things happened, they always felt so much better after I met Simone, because I could share them with her. She made me laugh, all the time but... just being with her made me happy. And even when I was mad or... or frustrated or... she always knew just what to say or what not to say, or what to do to calm me down, make me feel better... and she was so kind Penny, so focussed on helping people and so fucking smart... I don't know... like I said, a million things but... maybe... maybe most of all..." He took a deep breath and leaned forward, resting his hands on the table, looking intently at Penny.

"The day after... after Simone and I were... together, for the first time... the first time I told her I loved her, I made a plan to head up to the lumber yard, just a reci, you know, check out what supplies it had, that kind of thing, pretty straightforward stuff for Scouts these days," he said, and Penny reflected his warm smile back to him. "It was actually the day we found Chloe. Anyway... I... I told Simone what I was thinking and she was dead set against it, I mean, I think she actually said 'absolutely not', she did not want me to go."

"Why not?"

"She was worried about me. It's thirty-five and more years later Penny and we still know so little about the world outside the Network but I mean, like I told you, we knew fucking nothing then. That lumber yard is two miles up the road and we knew nothing about it. She didn't want me to get hurt. And... well... she loved me. Fuck knows why or how. She loved me. The... idea of losing me was... was more than she could bear..."

Penny saw the gentle smile wane from his face and he took a long, slow sip of his coffee.

"So I told her that I'd come back to her no matter what, because for the first time... knowing her... loving her, for the first time, I had someone to live for. If we were going to do more than just... survive then... then making that trip was the first step in making the new world, a place where we could... live and thrive, have a life together, a real life. If I'd been alone I... I don't think I'd have made it. I know I wouldn't. Before the First Day, I wasn't the kind of person who did stuff. I just went about my day, happily oblivious to the problems of the world around me. But it wasn't the end of the world that made me who I am Penny. I don't like talking about it but I'm still damn proud of everything I was able to contribute to making this community, the whole Network what it is today, and that was all, all because of her. I guess what I'm trying to say is Penny... I loved Simone because she made me a better person. Loving her... being loved by her... it made me the best version of myself that I could be. All the things I've done in my life since the First Day... none of that would have happened if I hadn't met Simone. I think... I think that's why... since she's been gone, it's been so much harder for me to... to find motivation, you know... even just talking about her..."

Penny felt a lump in her throat and a terrible regret jumped to the front of her mind as she saw Jim lower his head.

"I'm so sorry Jim," she said, reaching her hand out on the table, "I shouldn't have-"

"It's OK Penny," he said, taking her hand in his and returning his gaze to meet hers. "I'm a big boy. I wouldn't have answered your question if I didn't want to."

He smiled weakly and Penny did her best to return it as a silence settled between them but she was glad she felt him give her hand a gentle squeeze before he released it and sat back into his chair.

"So who's the lucky guy or girl?" he said and Penny was surprised to find a gentle smirk had formed on his face and she felt herself blush and couldn't avoid a giggle.

"I... I don't know..."

"Bullshit," he said, leaning forward again, "I may be, like, the oldest fucking man alive or whatever, but I'm not a fucking idiot Penny. You're in love."

"M... maybe?" she said and, she felt, the confusion that had dominated her thoughts must have been etched on her face.

"Talk to me," he said and Penny closed her eyes briefly as she sighed heavily.

"I've never... I mean... being in a relationship was never something... I never pictured something like that as being a part of my life, you know? What you had with Simone. They way you're looking at each other in that picture? I mean, I... I get along so well with everybody, I love everyone in my house and I have so many friends and... and I have a lot of really great fucking sex with lots of different, like, amazing people and... and I'm happy... most of the time anyway..." She paused as she thought she saw Jim smirk. "What?" she asked.

"And you're worried you're gonna lose that if you fall in love?"

"I don't know... maybe?"

"Penny, I loved my wife, more than I could ever describe to you. I'll love her till the day I die. But that doesn't mean I didn't have... connections with other people too, real emotional bonds. Are you kidding me? Like... Chloe and Caroline and Lola, and Fiona, Lou, Maddy. And so many more over the years. I mean, real, emotional connections Penny, I loved them. I still do. Sure it's not the same thing as what I felt for Simone but... I love them. I'd do anything for them. And sex? Fuck Penny, since the First Day, I've had sex with more women than I ever thought was possible and sure, I've done my duty as a Servicer, many, many times, but most of the women I've been with was just for fun. I guess it helped that Simone was really turned on by that kind of thing but... what I'm saying is, being in love with someone, the way we're talking about, it doesn't mean your relationships with other people are going to change. You can tell me I'm wrong if you want, but I'd be fucking amazed, I mean fucking amazed... Penny, if this person loves you like you obviously fucking love them, they love you for who you are right now. Not some other version of you, you. You know what I'm saying?"