Apology Accepted

My heart was getting heavy the more I spoke to Brandon about this and we only just started.

"It's not, but I know what you're thinking," I said. "How could I let it get this far, right? It's a long story. I'm still shocked you guys saved me. I got really lucky."

"Not exactly," Brandon replied, "Like I said, we saw the event posted all over social media. Some mutual friends of mine were attending, who by the way I will be unfollowing...and I just found it weird that you were having a party. A cum party nonetheless...it didn't sound like you."

Brandon went on, "and then, when I had to speak with Marcus about an event we were planning together, he brought you up."

"Marcus?" I breathed, "Why?"

"Something about an underground ceremony. He was grilling everybody about it lately since it's been a huge issue for AKP. The administration didn't really give a damn about it all, but Marcus has been trying to pull help from everyone to stop it. He was sure I wasn't involved since I have Matt. Plus, I barely have any time to spare to get involved in stuff like that when I'm a member of AKP and the LGBT club."

"I thought he was upset because it was making a bad name for his time as President."

"Ken, people fuck all the time!" Brandon exclaimed, "Marcus could have easily let this one go and just chalk it up to stupid college shit, but he didn't. I mean, I thought he was a bit uptight for going so hard for this, but when I saw that event posted online and you- coming from such a conservative background- I just knew something was up. This hit too personally for me. It probably did for him too."

"But why?" I argued, "What's so special about protecting me? I can kinda get you cause we were friends, but him?! I barely even know him! All I've done is give him shit for being a good person!"

Brandon leaned forward to spell out, "Ken. We ARE friends. That's never gonna change."

I stared at him incredulously, "...You're out of your fucking mind."

I walked away from Brandon and faced the outdoor balcony with my arms crossed. I felt so cold.

"Ken, you already apologized and I could tell that you're sorry. You were a dumb kid and I forgive you."

"Shut up, don't act like I was a dumb kid. I was 17, so it wasn't that long ago. Besides...you can't forgive me!"

I shut my eyes and bowed my head, "Everyday since that moment I lied has haunted me. Seeing you get your face caved in, not talking to you...it hurts. Even now, it hurts. I can't believe you were able to move on after I did something so awful. I expected you to be depressed, not like...this."

Brandon got up from the couch, "Do you...want me to be depressed?"

"No! Just...why did you move on? How did you do it?"

"Well, I had help. I was upset for a long time and you're right, we weren't talking because I was mad at you," the brunette relived the bad memories in his head, making a disappointed expression, "I never thought I'd forgive you, but they have counseling centers here and they've been very helpful. I say you should come with me sometime."

"Counseling?" I scoffed, "Isn't that when you're suicidal?"

"You don't see yourself sleeping around with everybody as a form of suicide?"

"Now don't start with that!" I uncrossed my arms, "It's not suicide, I'm just having fun!"

"To the point where people think they can abuse your body whenever they want? Posting when you're open for business like you're a fucking prostitute?"

"What do you expect me to do in college?"

"I don't know. Study?!"

"Fuck off, Bran. You don't know what I'm going through..."

The shower that was running in the background had suddenly stopped and Brandon let out a huge huff.

"I know that you feel bad for lying to me. I also know that you have parents who would kill you if they found out you were gay. I remember you telling me that the last time we hung out. Putting it all together, I see why you felt like lying, so they wouldn't send you to some straight camp. And, I know for certain that what you're doing is not normal because you also told me you had trouble opening up to people besides me. You loved me and I know those feelings are still there. I saw it in how you acted at Matt's party last semester. The way you acted so nice, trying to seek forgiveness. Well, good news! I've forgiven you. So, you better forgive yourself too or you're gonna be stuck trying to find it in people who don't give a shit about you!"

There was a reason why Brandon was my best friend all these years. He could read me like a book, but that's pretty easy when I'm always showing off the pages.

"It's not acceptance...," I said, "It's punishment."

"Huh?"

It wasn't like me to spill my feelings like this, but I was vulnerable and something inside me pushed all of my thoughts out of my mind and into the air.

"I didn't do this to be accepted...I did this to be punished for what I did. I thought lying would make me feel better, but all I did was betray my friends. Because of my lie, my parents were informed by the school about my alleged assault and they ranted on and on about how their son's not gay and if this assault was true they'd kick me out the house...They still blamed me, even though they thought I was the one who was assaulted..."

My blood was growing even colder at this rate, but my mouth wouldn't stop talking, "I had nobody, Bran. I have nothing good that came out of that moment and I don't deserve any forgiveness even though I desperately want it because ever since I ran this ceremony I've been going around in circles being passed from one man to the next trying to find peace when all I'm really doing in torturing myself because...I...I..."

My knees gave out on me.

I crashed down to the floor.

The coldness surrounding my body had finally subsided and was replaced with a burning flame that started from my eyeballs. They were so hot that water was spilling out from the heat.

Brandon naturally ran to my side and wrapped his arms around me.

"I-don't-deserve-love! I'm so sorry...I'm a horrible person!"

My friend shushed me, "It's okay. Let it out..."

We sat there in the middle of that living room holding each other. I could tell that Brandon was trying to hold it together, but after a few sniffles he grew hot too and broke down. I don't know how long we cried, but when we stopped I felt exhausted and asked a question.

"I thought Matt graduated...," I said, "Why is he here?"

"He's just visiting for the weekend. He'll be gone by Monday."

The bathroom door opened with absolutely no steam coming out of it. Matt presented himself though shirtless and in a pair of boxers. He was holding his balled up shirt and sweater in his hands.

"What's this about me leaving? You don't know when I'm gonna leave," Matt said, "For all you know, I'll be here all year."

The former President of AKP was definitely a jokester even in the most serious of times. It was needed, and I silently thanked him for it. The blond graduate sat with us without any mention of our puffy red eyes and we talked about other things for a while until the sun rised.

Matt squinted at the sun rays burning through the balcony door. "That's my cue to pass the fuck out. It was great talking with you," Matt and I fist bumped, "and hey, next time you see Marcus tell him I said hello."

"Sure thing," I replied. He reminded me. I really should talk to Marcus again, not just to pass along the message but to make up for all the things I did. Just because I was in pain doesn't mean I had a right to pass it along to others.

Matt was just about to enter Brandon's dorm room to sleep and Brandon was going to escort me to my dorm building, but I stopped both of them because I had one more thing to say.

"Hey guys...you're good people, you know? I hope one day I can find somebody who treats me as well as you treat each other."

Brandon and Matt looked at one another and after a moment of silence, they laughed uproariously.

"Buddy, if you knew half of the shit we said to each other you wouldn't ever say that ever again!" Matt said.

"Yeah, thanks, but we're far from perfect," Brandon joined in.

The pair couldn't persuade me of anything different. Yeah, they weren't perfect, but who the hell was I to judge them? If I could be a percent of how they are as people then I'd be on the right track to being a better person.

"Whatever you say, but..." I smiled with a glint in my eye, "What I saw after that party is still burned in my brain and none of my fucks have ever been as good as that. So, I have a lot to live up to."

Brandon's face made it seem like we just stopped his heart. He grew pale and he whipped his head away from me in shame, "I still can't believe you saw that!"

Matt added in his own two cents, "Frankly, I'm honored."

I didn't waste any time talking to Marcus that day. I would not rest until I got to have a word with him. Once I made it to my bedroom, I texted the President that we should meet up at the front of the library steps at 8 in the morning.

I told him everything, what happened the other night and why this whole mess started in the first place. He listened to me with extreme focus.

"...Forgive me if I don't have the right words to respond to what you just said," Marcus admitted.

I chuckled when he said that. He's always been so polite, it really is underrated by everybody.

"You don't have to say anything. I just wanted you to know."

Marcus didn't look in my direction for a while. He simply looked down at the steps and tried to speak up again without his voice wavering.

"When you joined AKP," Marcus said, "I-I thought you were really cool..."

That was the last thing I was expecting outta his mouth.

"You looked so popular and carefree, I had no doubt you'd be friends with everyone on campus. Everyone but me. For some reason, people think I'm just some tight ass who can't have fun, but I can. I just want to do right by everyone. After all, my dad always told me..."

Here we go with the parent speech again.

"You must do what's right even if everyone hates you for it. I took that to heart and worked my ass off to be where I am today. Following his messages made me feel better about preserving his legacy."

"Legacy?" I thought about the implications of what he just said and gasped when I hit the answer.

"Don't tell me...Marcus!" I jutted forward and reached for his hand, "Why didn't you say anything? I said so much bad stuff. I feel terrible!"

Marcus chewed on his bottom lip, "I already got a bunch of enemies. Throwing the dead dad card on top of that would make me bait for sure."

"I bet if you told people about that, then they'd let up on you and see how great you really are."

Marcus gave me a surprisingly emotional look: hooded lids with glossy eyes and a gentle smile.

"I'll do it if you do. Take Brandon's advice: go to counseling and tell them everything. You'll feel a lot better."

Our distance was almost nonexistent. Marcus' face was so close to mine and for the first time, I didn't see him as my enemy or someone to toy with, but a friend...maybe more. I felt myself leaning in, focused on his lips, but he raised his hand to stop me.

"Ken...," Marcus cringed, "I'm straight."

"Oh."

"Yeah..."

I pulled back from him, suddenly feeling very embarrassed. The tension I felt back at the office was nothing either then. He wasn't playing hard to get, and the erection I saw didn't mean he found me sexy. Any guy would get hard with someone that is close to their cock. That realization made me feel worse about myself.

Marcus noticed this and waved his hands, "Hey hey hey! It's fine, you didn't know. Guys just aren't my thing. It has nothing to do with you."

"I know."

"Would it make you feel better if I told you I won't file that report?"

"But you should. I did wrong by you. I'm sorry about that...I'm sorry about everything," I grabbed my locks and pulled them down in frustration, "I feel like I should be saying sorry every time I see you!"

Marcus let out his own little laugh. It was light and sweet.

"And to all of those I say: Apology Accepted."

I have a bad reputation on this campus. I had a lot of lovers in such a short time. Winter break hadn't even arrived yet, and I slept with so many men who are now going to be my enemies once I file my own report on them. But it'll be okay.

Being here, despite what I've gone through, gives me the opportunity to mold myself into a new Kenneth. I have the tools to change and even more friends to help change me. The past really sucks to think about, but eventually I'll see what others see in me and live towards my potential.

But for now, it's just nice to sit with Marcus.