All Comments on 'Are You Finished Yet?'

This could have been more unique than the story we got. Here is yet another man who is hurt badly by a cheating wife. He ends up in a better place because of a woman (or women) who takes everything over and fixes him while he more or less sits passively. Everything was done for him. He did not contribute to his own happy ending.

Judy's experiences would have made a better story. Her description of her feelings toward her husband and what she was doing, her expressions of possibly mixed feelings or even a lack of guilt would be revealing for the reader. If she was indeed confined, her progress (or lack of progress) would be interesting to read.

Or was that Walt's middle name? Judge Madeline gives "his" ruling..

You need to proof read what you have written, "Corrine nibbled his nipples on her 'was' down".

Otherwise, rushed at the end.

Not a very high bar, though. It was okay. I'll read another, but you definitely need better editing. What the heck, I'll give it a three.

The wife was abused by her father and had deep emotional scars.

Yet she is called a slut and the husband (poor, poor man) gets all the sympathy.

Someone has seriously screwed up values.

Instead I have to give it a 5 just because of the anon who downgraded your score for the Hillary crack! I thank God every day that that bitch isn't and will never be president!

Quote: "I'd have given it a 3 but Instead I have to give it a 5 just because of the anon who downgraded your score for the Hillary crack! I thank God every day that that bitch isn't and will never be president!"

Good for you. The Koch brothers have the perfect helthcare and enviroment legislations ready for you.

God, but are Americans dumb!

In one paragraph he talks about how similar they are including their enjoyment of sex. In the next, he is disappointed how infrequently they have sex. Which is it?

Then he goes from head over heels in love to being a total bastard without anything in between. People don't act like that. As a result, I just hated it.

I overlooked the obvious mistakes, because I was intrigued by her over-the-top promiscuity. I just went along for the ride, and enjoyed the show.

Your very first sentence was bad - "Thursday morning in the bedroom of Paul Langley and his wife Judy's bedroom" - the bedroom of their bedroom? The bouts of pedestrian writing, typos, and mistakes took away from the story.

Just started, and it's a bit of a slog, so I figured I'd look at the comments.

As I said, I just started, so I don't know about any abuse or anything, but one thing that struck me, was how she went from "little interest in sex," to wanting to "spice up her sex life!"

First of all, you want to spice up your sex life? Talk to your husband!

Second, she doesn't see herself faithful to one man her whole life? I thought they shared a belief in fidelity? If she lied because she wanted the comfortable lifestyle he provided, then she's a mercenary bitch who deserves what's coming to her, abusive father or no, Not to mention,this is third person POV, we're in her head, and no mention is made of the abuse. So this is being saved to spring on us later?

Think I'll see what else is out there.

Just Donald ,the senile old wittol

Poorly written cuck shit at that.

I see you are still reading your cuck shit, haha what a loser, Cannot even think of something different to say, illiterate as well as dumb.

The story was not particularly well told so just a 2 from me

JJ

once a king vs once a knight becomes involved. TK U MLJ LV NV

I just love stories in which the "author" can't be bothered to go back a few paragraphs to get a character's name right. Poor Roger must have died or run out for a name change to Walt in the space of those few paragraphs. Also, it is almost impossible to follow a story when you don't use quotation marks. You also have two people speaking in the same paragraph, again without using quotation marks. I strongly suggest that you read your story at least once before posting. Then you'll understand what I'm saying.

Overall decent story, ruined by very poorly written text. I liked the idea and was semi-sold on the characters. I stumbled so often, having to reword sentnces in my head before continuing, that I almost didn't finish the story. You switched tense, and point of view several times as well, which is also jarring to the story. Thanks for trying, but please at least read it once yourself, before posting.

3* for content alone...

RNebular

Decent plot, the flow was as bit jarring. Still not a bad read.

An editor would help.

I'm no expert, but this company, as I would expect, has branch offices. Wouldn't someone from the nearest branch office cover those showings rather than have someone else travel?

Being an UNKNOWING cuckold shouldn't be cause to leave town.

Keeping the deed in his parents' name is a wedding present? Normally you would GET the deed as a wedding present?

"it was very hard to pledge a Jewish girl to the sorority." - Shouldn't that be "it was very hard FOR a Jewish girl to pledge the sorority?"

"get-to-gather" - Um, I think you mean, "get-together!"

"Corrine's confession that she hated the single life and yearned to meet Mr. Right" - You KNOW that's going to be Paul! "Training" her hubby is quite condescending! EDUCATING BOTH spouses in what each likes is better!

"best thing I can do is show him,.. that I can love him so much better than his messed-up slut of a wife." - I would think that pretty much goes without saying!.

I like the way the ending puts a nice twist on the beginning.

especially in light of the rest of today's offerings, but you need help in running a story board and making it flow. you could use an editor's assistance and there are a couple of good ones who help out the Legendary authors on this site, so even though I can't quite get to 3, i will give you a high 2 and hope you don't give up, its good to see someone not sharing or watching for a change.

How do you write such a messed up story. A lawyer cannot or should not sleep with her client. Totally unethical. And he was still married . If Judy was so messed up from a preditor sexually abusing father. He should see if therapy could help her,you can't commit some one to a institution without their consent. This story evolve to fast and the ending was horrific, out of nowhere it was 20 years later and he was married to his lawyer and screwing her to organizim . What a bunch of garbage. We know nothing about the divorce or the motherinlaw situation. Or the x wife. .

It was fortunate that an experienced statistician was available to determine what a less educated individual could detect by looking at a few of the profiles. Pompous filler.

You make his urinalysis cup PAPER, change Roger's name to Walt, have his female cousin sneak into Navy boot camp like she's Black Widow, all while regaling us with a tale pulled straight out of 1957.

It was the worst.

Ugh...?

I find it hilarious that of all the critics not one has submitted a story to Literotica themselves. Those who can't write criticize those who do write. Also, the number of critics who write misspelled and ungrammatical comments.

Who is the anon who submits the same thing? "cuck shit"

...Like all things, practice will help your story telling ability. Don't let naysayers bother you, if you really want to write, write. At least once I found where you jumped from mostly third person to first person and back. Grammatical errors were abundant, but none that really made the reader work to make sense of the story. Way, way, way too many that's and had's, but it seems to be a ongoing problem of all Lit writers but a few.

Keep working at your craft.

Where is it written that only those who write can criticize? Many of the best critics never worked in the medium the criticized.

you are not that smart are you the anon and no wrighters are the ones that should be criticicing becouze wrighter's wright storys to be read and that are mostly anons and non wrighters and so you learn evryday something new

First of all, pick one point of view. This changed from third to first and back to third.

<P>

Then there's the matter of punctuation dialogue. When one paragraph ends with a quotation mark and the very next one starts with a mark, that indicates the character speaking has changed. If a paragraph doesn’t begin with a quotation mark, that indicates it’s narrative.

<P>

When one character is speaking and is not uninterrupted by narrative or another character talking, every paragraph starts with a mark, but only the last one has a closing mark.

Some people should judge the story with its contents not the grammar or the orthography!!!

Sad for both of them but happy you chose the ending you did.

The author left implications ride rampant without completing to the finish line. I gave this story a low score for many reasons. I don't like victims poured upon by people who are insensitive to their plight. In this case the wife was mentally incompetent and the author could've brought this wife character to safe harbor. I scored this story way low due to the gross abuse of characters and the abhorrent insensitivity.

Well, that was sadly sad and pointless.

For a 3 page story it tended to meander a tad, but at least it did get to a reasonable conclusion. 4 stars considering the latest crap beung submitted lately.

Too short story to deal with an abused woman character. I think the divorce is good solution, because they have not kids and nobody has to live with a disturbed psychic woman. However the author should write longer story with explain a "friendly or civil" divorce with finding Corrine.

I hope the Author does not reject my critic...

The wife screws at least 38 guys in 18 months without using condoms? Before AIDS everybody would assume she's on the pill - but now?

What was this crap about the deed? Keep the deed to his house in his parents' name as a wedding present? That makes no sense at all unless it belonged to his parents to start with and they were going to give it to him.

Generally, the author's lack of attention to maintaining a consistent POV was impossible to deal with.

A less over the top plot would have been more interesting: the wife screws around with just a few men, all of whom looked like her daddy. She would not have been such a loser - college drop-out, et cetera - nor would the husband been such a paragon of virtue. Then we could have the husband having some qualms about dumping the wife who was damaged goods when they married. And forget this order of commitment - not going to happen on this facts, not in this country, not without notice and hearing.

Three stars for the effort.

Too many breeches of ethics and professional responsibility for my tastes. At least his mentally impaired wife had a reason for her major issues: her father abused her and her mother let her down. Absolutely no excuses for the so called professionals.

...but you might be a little thin-skinned.

Let me encourage you.

If you want to keep writing, do yourself the favor of taking their critiques seriously. When a storyline has potential, as yours did, ONLY YOU can keep it from reaching that potential. You did.

Some storytellers on Lit are so good that they can make terrible stories seem interesting. Then there's you, who could make a good story seem dreadful. NO, I'm exaggerating for effect, simply to illustrate that how a story is told makes up a large part of how it is heard.

Take the advice of using an editor while you learn the essentials of grammar and punctuation. Telling a good story well is all about communication, and it must be done clearly if you want readers to follow the flow.

I'm sure you'll observe that I'm not a posted author--btw, I'm pretty sure you can disable comments if you're feeling like your readers are being meaner than you deserve--but I feel that you will also want to work on your pacing. Some of your plot moves at a slow pace, but other elements jump very quickly without adequate preparation or allowing the reader to anticipate them.

And please don't have your professional characters sacrifice their careers by violating their ethical standards. It's rather unbelievable that they would take that risk when you the author are just in too much of a hurry to write one more paragraph or two. (Referring to the divorce lawyer sleeping with a client before the divorce is final.)

3***

P.S. I too liked your conclusion where the truly loving wife flipped the original question.

The story started well but ended too quickly. Some of the things that happened at the end seemed wrong even for a fictional story. This was a solid "3" that could have been much better if you had some help. Thanks for the effort. One further suggestion. Don't argue with the commentators. You can't win and it simply makes you look bad.

Work on some research. Don't know your background but the four women getting together so blatantly would ruin every one of their careers. Learn about dual relationships, and that Corrine would not touch Paul with a 10 foot pole until after the divorce was finalized (ethics and code of conduct); if the judge even got a hint, she would be disbarred, even if the discovery was a couple of years down the road.

No of this should affect tbe story line and in fact allow you to draw some details out.

It has nothing to do with school, it has to do with the reader being able to follow the story. Here's a quick example, John is talking to Jane.

John asked, "Would you like some ice cream?"

"I like vanilla with chocolate sauce."

"I prefer chocolate with whipped cream."

As written, Jane likes vanilla. But, no, Jane like chocolate! So I should have written:

John asked, "Would you like some ice cream?

"I like vanilla with chocolate sauce."

"I prefer chocolate with whipped cream."

Leaving off the close quote on the first sentence ties the first two sentences together.

Now, this is obviously a silly example, but what if it involved a critical plot point?

While the close quote on the first sentence would still be incorrect, you could avoid the confusion it causes with a simple attribution on the last sentence:

"I prefer chocolate with whipped cream," Jane said.

Most writers pull their readers into the story through the first person making the story personal. With first person the full range of feelings, emotions and thoughts are conveyed in a way that the reader feels connected to the character, which most writers strive for. This story was a good tale but written in the third person reducing it to a clinical report of a situation. I would suggest that you pull this story, get an editor, correct the errors already listed by other readers and repost this from a first person perspective. There is a huge opportunity here to retell from both husband and wife perspective with the wife having the most to offer if you go back to her relationship with her father.

And yes, I too liked your ending line.

Wasn't really interesting at all. No real reasonable resolution and didn't feel any connection to corrine.

the sudden jump of 20 years, not a good idea.

Also, the tense jumped around quite a bit.

I always thought I didn't need an editor. I was wrong. An editor can help, I think you need one, too.

In all, it was a good story, but it could have been better.

Authors value criticism not only of the story, but how we write it, too.

Otherwise, we would never learn to become better writers.

I understand where you're coming from, but it's a little bit like someone only judging a meal by the quality of the ingredients used, not how the food was cooked.

Do only chefs know when food is well prepared and well presented?

There are these things called quotation marks.

They are used to show what a person is saying as separate from the rest of the setting.

This had some potential to be a good story, but you are too thin skinned to take constructive criticism or advice, as long as you don't your writing will never improve.

Did not know if was one story or two.31fe

The premise is very trite, but great stories have been generated nonetheless!

Execution? Poor! First, we get one direct statement from Sweetie. Otherwise, almost everything We-The-Readers know about her is narrated!

Skipping to an aspect not previously discussed (much) ... the statistics which turn-around a very Fem-Friendly judge. My guess is the conclusion would NOT sway the judge into anything except a more SOLID conviction! "Sweetie is SICK? Poor Dear! Didn't their vows include ' ... in sickness and in health!'? Hubby PROMISED to stand by her!"

Plus, the methodology SUX! Multi-facor ANOVA is meaningless unless the factors are described, as well as the variable being measured. I can speculate what the former MIGHT be, but the latter escapes me ... in general AND how those data might be validated for this purpose, OR reliably gathered! Regression analyses would be even more difficult to formulate and 'yay more' to conduct. The conclusion drawn cannot be justified by any such process. A MUCH simpler process could defend such a conclusion, but it would sound much less 'scientific!' (i.e. mysterious, and definitive!)

We know not how Sweetie fared with her diagnosis, her paramours' reactions to her exposing them, the other consequences that ensue and can only assume the divorce went through!

2*

RE Anon who posted “Mordant96” between sbrooks103x and Anon’s “Regarding the writing”

Wow! Just Wow! And you’re criticizing someone who actually wrote a story, albeit one with some problems. Amazing!

Lighten up on how you took the author's political joke, which was really tame considering both sides in the election. I wasn't going to vote, but deliberately gave 5* to offset your ridiculous comment.

good fucking god this is garbage.

How did "Bettye" go from being his"Cousin"', to being a Friend?? Smack your editor.

First Person, Second Person, Third Person - often in the same paragraph - make up your fucking mind.

This had a makings of a good story but it seems to have written by some one with very poor English, and needed the 20 year gap filling in.

I agree with hmm, here is a 1*** to offset anon 7/11 who didn't mind his own business, pathetic Trump pussy....

This. Is a very confusing story. It starts one direction switches then goes further in that direction then switches to a sick dad and sicker wife to a just plain fucked up daugther with a humongous father complex. And let's not forget her mother, if they confine the daughter what WILL they do with her mother? You. Are not finished, you should chose a storyline and complete the story. I've heard better lies at the DMV.

Waste of time

Whenever I read that gals name it always came up "Bet Ye" in my inner narrative. Like some dark ages gambler at Ye Olde Race Track.

started off good then went to crap.

You NEED to check your punctuation or get an editor. However, I voted this a 5. Why? Because someone else voted it a 1 based on some undefined "Trump pussy" agenda. That and no other reason. Your plot line needs, cries out for editing. Just saying. I think all of us expected RitaAnne to be the saving angel here, but...form your ideas, flesh them out, and for the love of all GET AN EDITOR to check your forays into oblivion?

"...Judge Worth will approve the divorce based on Judy's mental incompetance."

Uh, no. Legal proceedings cannot continue against a mentally incompetant party. A formal assessment would be needed. If found incompetant a guardian would have to be appointed for Judy. This would delay and complicate the divorce considerably.

dumb cuck shit.

Or should that just be 'mortis' considering you're brain-dead? 1*

i feel as if a chapter or two went missing after ch 2-- not a good ending -- very poor

THEY WERE NOT AT ALL "a little bit older than the average age for marriage at 26 for her and 29 for him"!THAT'S SIMPLY NOT TRUE!Today the average age of marriage CAN BE EVEN HIGHER than the ages of the this couple!So,THEY WERE JUST FIT for the average age of marriage!

It started out interesting but it took too long to get to the punchline (her abuse), bogged down by every step, then a hand wave and time warp away, it ended. And there were random quote marks, which has already started to become a sore point. This needs two things: an editor to chop out parts of the story, and a kick in the ass for the author to finish the last half of the story. It's starting to look like a rewrite at all costs is the only way to reconcile this story.

So damn wrong about public health law, divorce law, commitment law, medical confidentiality, ethical duties of lawyers, and what Public Health authorities and do not do with venereal diseases; that this story gets negative 50 stars.

Author, do yourself a favor and do what some other authors do in a note at the start of a story. State the story takes place in an alternate reality, where none of the things like law and medicine have the same rules as our world!

Then this would be tolerable.

Jesus.

that so many commenters believe that writers were put on this earth to write exactly the story that they, the commenters, want, and that anything less is a dismal failure that entitles them to throw turds at the story AND at the author. Shame.

Not what I was expecting or wanting. If his wife really was mentally screwed up, he owed it to her to stand with her while she was fixed and then and only then see where there marriage was.

As fucked up as this one was he needed to get her in the rear view fast. Theres no fixing that kinda damage case, and sorry but there are limits to what you should put up with. would i feel bad for her yep, but no where NEAR enough to stick around. she has beyond issues that probably wont ever get fixed so time to hit the road.

Try and make sure your story has some intelligence in it. Corrine is supposed to be clever, yet she jumps into bed with a guy that has raging Gonorrhoea with no mention of a condom anywhere, at least make it believable.

All of her lovers were old dudes.

This one, slightly better than the rest.

A little disjointed, but good all the same. Would.have liked to.know more about what became of Judy.

Surprised he didn’t work the Jewish Holocaust meme I to the story.

The May 16, 2019 common from anon entitled "Too Jewish?" There is no place on this site for that shit.

By the way, good story.

"Too jewish?" - One Jewish sorority pledge and one Yiddish word?

A lawyer sleeping with her client?

depending on the people involved and the situation, who hears what,,,TK U MLJ LV NV

13 to 26

?

Mother never told

But now testify

?

Clap for the clap

You need an editor. You're opening sentence is a disaster.

I still like it. Too bad she was mentally ill, but you can't fix crazy. I do enjoy a story where deception and lies are overcome by the truth and cooperation.

Again. Poor Paul married a nut, but found out pretty quickly. Good story about cheating while crazy.

Should we not have heard something from the wife before the end?

After the number of people she had sex with was revealed I could never suggest reconciliation but she was mentally ill and should have been treated better than she had been. No one asks to be sick and that should have been acknowledged.

Wow, and for most of the story, I thought we were dealing with the infamous Martian Slut Ray again!

Terribly written, not to mention disturbing. The way the writer regularly switches from third-person to first-person says a lot.

Again, a misogynist writer who just cant help but make women into sex starved sluts.

I guess you "writers" really are never going to get it, are you!

I stopped the moment whenm in your infinite wisdom wrote 38 men.

No wonder women stay away from Republican men.

wait... not one reader felt that a 13 year old girl being abused sexually by her father and absolutly no action by her mother would cause this little girl to become mentally unstable? Calling her a slut is the worst form of injustice this Morbid writer could do to a woman who was already raped by her own parents..both physically and mentally! The mother was one pathetic female typical of a lot of them.... willing to turn a blind eye to abuse of kids by their own parents! Divorce her if u cant find ur way back.... but the mentality of the writer and calling her a slut just does not seem correct! She needed help...at age 13 if possible...but anytime now would still be better,!

Statements like..'She got her loving from her father' is so out of the left field that it really makes me sick to think what a fucked up man the writer is! How can an abused girl normally fall in love with her father? Sorry ..... u are a pathetic writer totally out of touch with reality... good thing you stopped!

This story fell short of the conclusions. Sure Paul traded up and good for him. But what happen to his EX being treated? And didn't Corrine breach a significant ethics no-no having sex with her client?

/

4*, Hooyah, but could/should have been more if the story was completed.

1 star - a really bad idea - especially the underage crap.

Story very good. Needs massive editing.

1 star - FTDS and there is no point of adding a comment.

Highly improbable but quite entertaining tale that no doubt fulfils misogynistics leanings of some readers, but leaves a sick feeling in the stomachs of those who believe that victims of sexual abuse require more understanding and compassion than simply being dismissed as sluts.

Not an author who's work I want to explore.

LA

Well that was something just this side of total shit.

One thing you bad wirters always do, is create an unrealistic woman (yes too many writers and readers are clearly cons here because their dislike of women and their general idiocy when it comes to their behavior is off the chart level of stupid) like this one...you know the one you created that clearly had checked out of her marriage but then strangely wants him back home and pesters him because she cant live without him.

You dumb cons never ever write a woman whos action match her words. And then you make them such over the top sluts it ruins any sliver that might remain in our minds that maybe she did love her husband.

You kids just can't do it, can you! The more they fuck, the more clear we, the reader, see how little the marriage meant. So you ruin it with your fragile male fear of women.

Epic fail junior.

I wonder if Judy's middle name was Barbie.🤪😜😂😅🤣😁

I’m thinking the reason so many of these stories feature a husband who won’t or can’t talk to the wife he is leaving, is because of the target audience for this stuff. It seems to me to be a bunch of wannabe tough guys who are too wimpy to have a confrontation with the woman they are gleefully shedding.

Maybe they aren’t smart enough to hold up their end of a difficult conversation. I can see them folding under the terrible onslaught of words from their soon-to-be ex-wife. In a lot of these stories (not this particular one, she was lost from the beginning), the shit hitting the fan might have been avoided if hubby had ever been able to articulate himself or confront their issues when they arose.

Poor lost boys.

It started OK but (for me) this yarn crashed and burned when I read 38 men. 2 stars, thanks for sharing.

It began well, and then the whole Gurlz Club sorority thing veered off the cliff Thelma & Louise style. Then, the 38 men was unrealistic. No way that goes unnoticed, either physically or behaviorally.

Too much bullshit in between.