All Comments on 'Assassins MC Pt. 12'

Rich is living up to his cut and finding trouble. It's more like trouble finding him though. He walked right into it with little assessment of the opposition and its capabilities. Fortune favored the bold that time only because Miguel and his crew were way too cocky and not paying attention themselves. Rich better keep upping his skill set in as many areas as possible.

It appears he's made an impression on Thomas Rodriguez. Might have just been a formality given the situation in which they find themselves but he did thank Rich for not shooting Miguel and asking him to call if Miguel causes any further problems.

With that ending hint I'd say Roger is going to be hurt or killed on Rich's watch. Only other possible is harm to one of the ladies but the wording gives me the impression of someone important to one of them. The only one with a blood connection outside their family is Penny.

Now, could it be related to Ben or Miguel or an all new person/situation to Rich? Either of the known two have similar mentalities and reasons to attack Rich. Maybe Rich is the target and Roger takes the hit? If Roger goes down he's going to have five women on his hands. He will also have lost his mentor in the club and opened the door for Ben to acquire a cut. That could also be the start of another dispute between he and Ben over Susan's guardianship.

A twisted 'deal' between Ben and Miguel could also result in the above thought. They would have to keep their hands clean and or have alibis afterward but both could benefit from Rich going down. But what if they pull a "Strangers on a Train" deal? Both have possible grudges against their fathers now and let the other do the deed for them in trade? Simultaneous hits would add to the confusion and cover for them.

Looking down possible dark paths is fascinating but also rather depressing. I hope the daily chapters continue AssassinWolf. This story is giving me something to look forward to right now.

From the comments I may have missed the best part of the chapter. Chronic Grammer errors and total loss who was speaking killed this story for me mid chapter. Good luck with it, I hope you find your editor.

Thanks for the critiques. I appreciate them all, good and bad.

This is my first attempt at writing anything this complex. I’m not an English major, so yeah, working on the grammar.

I’ll try to clean it up and make it easier to tell who is talking without having a giant wall of text.

I would have loved to jump into writing as an expert, but if that were the case, I would have went straight to a publisher and not posted here. I’m doing this for the feedback so I can improve.

Please, keep them coming. That comment about not understanding who is talking is what I’m looking for. Thank you.

Since I read that this is a novel and has mostly been developed already, I see no sense in over analyzing the story line, unless the author considers some modifications to the story as it is posted perhaps as a secondary story line. I like the story so far but think somehow, with four women living in this relationship, that more personality conflicts should arise. They all act like normal wives and mothers and they are not. They are simply willing women who like to be slutty and whore for their "Daddy" so to speak. these personality types have dirt in their blood that needs to see the light of day. For one, I think that if the author were to let that out, the story would be more believable, and lifelike. The assassins deal in drugs, trafficking, and prostitution. These women should not be insulated from that and they should reap the pleasures that those endeavors give. They cannot be Mother Theresa's. I'd like to give this 5 stars, but 4 until the girls get dirty.

I have the basic bones of the novel written, but have been performing rewrites as I flesh out the individual sections. I've taken critiques and suggestions, incorporating both in my editing. Keep the suggestions coming, especially what would make it more believable, easier to read, and easier to understand. I know what's in my head, but if what I picture doesn't come across on the page I would like to know.

Thanks again for the feedback. I just wish there was a faster way to give and receive feedback. I hate the delay that comes from Literotica approving each comment.

Still 4/5 however I believe Rich allowing Julie his number 1 and Penny a close intensive sexual relationship will be the mistake of his LIFE. Whilst encouraging their Lesbian side he then attempts to control what they can and cannot do.

That will fail as love will find a way. The two lovers will find a way to have sex without him.

Once Rich loses control of his women in the eyes of the Club he must act harshly to regain the Clubs trust

By the way, you keep mixing up the girls names throughout the story, it is very jarring and off putting. Get your work properly proofread. If u are having your work edited they are failing u bigtime.

Unnecessarily Confusing

Your quirk of ending one character’s speech with a clue as to who will be speaking next, is unnecessarily confusing and against standard practice when writing dialogue.

As a sample:

Thomas said, “This $50,000 is from me for the club. I hope this goes a long way to smooth over any problems that my son has caused."

Then Roger spoke up, "Thank you, Thomas. I will take this money to John and let him know how cooperative you were and how repentant your son was. It's up to John ultimately, but I don't see us having any problems moving forward from this incident."

Thomas replied, "Thank you, Roger. And Rich, I will give you my number. If my son causes you any more problems, please call me instead of putting a bullet in his head. I would appreciate it."

Please notice how much easier it is to track the speaker’s identity when the indicator is attached to their actual speech, and not tacked on to the end of the previous speaker. There is usually a good reason why a standard practice becomes standard. I am thoroughly enjoying your series. Thank you.

Great story, but you occasionally slip with the women's names which can be rather confusing.

I hope I caught them all. Uploaded for publishing, with a few other corrections. It was early in my writing and quite a few things slipped by. Writing is fun, editing, not so much.