Asshole

"Apologise." He grinned as he ran his eyes over my chest. He gently touched my abs, and wrapped his hand around my biceps. I flexed for him and he moaned, just a little.

"You don't hold out for long anymore do you?" He teased. I smiled and let him touch me, running his fingers over my shoulders and around my pecs. I could feel his dick hardening against my thigh. I grinned.

"Breakfast."

"What?" I leapt up from the bed and put my shirt back on.

"Whakahohoro, we got a big day ahead." Rory groaned.

"Come on, Jer. Just a quickie."

"Do the mahi, get the treats."

"Asshole." He muttered as he stumbled out of bed.

--

I can't say I got as much work done as I'd have liked. Rory let his guard down as soon as no one was around, doing ridiculous things like holding my hand and asking me questions about what we were doing.

"Like you give a shit." I grunted as I finished carefully cutting down a patch of Asparagus fern and pulled out the weed wipe to spot treat.

"I do give a shit. Don't believe everything you read about me."

"I don't read anything about you." He laughed.

"Keep telling me that, maybe one day I'll believe you." I rolled my eyes and got on with it.

We sat through dinner with our separate crowds.

"How's your school mate?" Mary teased. Sarah looked at my face.

"Never asked you how the latest Tiri-Tiri trip went?" She leant into Mary and changed the subject. I glanced at her gratefully and shoved vegetables in my mouth as they discussed their various ornithological endeavours over the last year.

I went to bed eventually, early for me. Rory showed up about half an hour later. He crept into my bed and I shuffled over to make room for him. He started to touch me softly and I returned the favour, gently stroking his abs and running one hand down his back to touch his ass. He moaned.

There was a knock on the door and he leapt out of my bed faster than I'd ever seen him move in his life. I glanced at him.

"You get it." He whispered.

"I have an erection the size of K2 under here."

"Well mine might only be Mt Aoraki but..." He trailed off as there was another knock. "Shit." He muttered, draping his blanket around him.

It was Olivia. She was tipsy and flirting with Rory, barging her way in and sitting on the end of my bed. I drew my legs up and glared at her.

"Hey." I said. "I know you two are here for some sort of party but I have work to do in the morning. Any chance you could fuck off to the games room or something?"

"Yeah I'm exhausted." Rory said with a yawn.

"Come on." She teased. "Everyone is waiting for you." She glanced at me. I could see her brain ticking as she leant into Rory, lowering her voice. "Of course, if you'd rather hang out with some..." She trailed off, realising even her whisper could be heard in our small room. Rory sighed and threw on some shorts and a jersey. He grunted at me on the way out.

Dammit.

I guess I still had my hand.

——

Maybe I was a bit shittier than usual with him the next day. I might have stayed up till 4am playing Mahjong just to deny him sex. I crept in and he was asleep... and when I woke up he was in my bed.

"Hey." I said flatly. He sat up.

"Stop hating me."

"Can't help it. It's your face."

"I'm sorry alright?"

"For what?"

"What do you think?" I sighed.

"I can think of a dozen things you could be apologising for but it's never happened before, honestly I don't know why it's starting now."

"Sorry for..." He paused and looked at me. His face was growing pink. Eventually he cleared his throat. "Should have stayed in and let you fuck me last night." I shrugged.

"Well I'm sure Olivia was good. Did you let her peg you?"

"Fuck off." He hit me. "She's not my type."

"Right." I felt his arms around me.

"You're mad at me." He said. Well. I was. I always was, a bit.

"Breakfast." I said firmly. He sighed as I got up.

"I hate you." He said.

"I know."

—-

I handed him off to a bigger team doing some easy weeding for the day. I figured he needed to get some real work done, something to tell the Nation that didn't involve me.

I liked being by myself. It was why I enjoyed this kind of work. I liked long days with only my thoughts for company. I got a lot more done without Rory tagging along and my mind was starting to feel clearer. I managed a little bit of meditation even, just sitting in the grass, listening to the birds.

But in spite of myself, my thoughts were drifting to Rory whenever I stopped paying attention.

— My first contract—-

I was scraping through Microbiology with mostly Cs, but I didn't care because I had been scouted, I nailed tryouts, and it looked like I was gonna be playing for the Phoenix.

I was definitely one of the youngest, if not the youngest on the team. Rory was proud of me but I could tell he was a little jealous. He'd been better than me once, after all.

My parents thought it was stupid. They told me to keep up with my studies, even if it was just one paper a trimester. They said they didn't really see it going anywhere.

"What do you mean not going anywhere? This is where it goes! I'm playing for an A league team!"

"You have your whole life ahead of you! Soccer is a hobby, it's not a career!"

"Tell that to Maradona!"

"Who?" Mum frowned.

"Fucking junkie." Dad informed her. "Hope that's not your role model."

"My role model is Garrincha, not that you'd know a fucking thing about it." I growled.

We fought, which was rare. There wasn't enough passion in my family to fight. Eventually I agreed to stay at Uni, doing one paper a trimester if it would make them shut up. Dad drove me back to my flat after we'd all calmed down and turned the radio off as we paused at a red light.

"You know who Justin Fashanu is?" He asked me. I blushed. I read players stats for fun, I knew pretty much anyone who was anyone. And I could count the list of openly gay footballers on one hand. Especially the ones who ended up committing suicide. I took his point.

"It's not the 90s Dad. That kind of thing doesn't happen." He grunted.

"You're gonna be out then?" I shrugged.

"It's not a big deal."

"It's going to be the first thing anyone ever mentions." I grunted and Dad sighed. He tapped his fingers on the steering wheel. "Look. Just... you're a good kid but..."

"I'm 20! I'm not a kid!"

"You're my kid. And that's why I worry. I don't think you should stay in the closet, it just scares me that you're going into this world. We're here ok. Your mum and I. If things go south."

"Sounds like you're ashamed." Dad sighed loudly as he pulled over near my house.

"I remember when you scored a goal against me for the first time and I wasn't letting you win. I'm so proud of you. My kid? Playing for the Phoenix? Next stop Inter Milan." He squeezed my shoulder. "Don't be mad at your old man for worrying." I grunted and unbuckled my seatbelt. I paused with my hand on the door handle.

"I'm worried too." I admitted. "But I think it will be ok."

--

He was right. People knew I was gay before they knew my name. But I was also right. It wasn't a big deal. Maybe a little bit to my teammates... I endured a fair bit of shit talking in the locker rooms and when we went out...

But I caught someone's eye.

"Coffee?" I glanced at the 5 foot something Brazilian who I'd been feeding to all night. We were a fucking good duo. Bennie wasn't looking at me, he was looking across the room at our teammates. I wasn't sure if I heard him right. His English was faultless but he had a strong accent. Maybe I was imagining things.

"What?"

"Coffee?" He insisted. "Or beer." He grinned at me. "My shout." He turned away from me and continued to scrub himself down. My eyes got ahead of my brain and I noticed I was watching his lean tiny brown form just a little too closely. I cleared my throat as I looked away.

"Yeah. Ok." I finished washing myself and grabbed my towel. "Text me." I said quietly as I grabbed my stuff and went to get changed.

I wasn't sure if he meant coffee or... coffee. He texted me and we ended up having dinner, which is when I was pretty sure I knew where this was going. We went to the Argentinian steakhouse at the top of Cuba St and the staff recognised him.

"It's Pele!" The MD, Guillermo, joked. He laughed.

"Zico." He gestured at me. "Good midfielder." He informed me. As if I didn't know. They ushered us off to a quiet corner and he ordered for us, exchanging jokes with Guillermo in maybe Spanish, maybe Portuguese- I wouldn't know. I sat back, kind of nervously. Bennie was one of those little guys with a dynamite personality. He was loud on and off the field- always arguing with the refs and getting himself in trouble. He was groomed, with a head of long wavy black hair that he wore in a tight plait for games. It was out tonight and he was running his fingers through it as he looked at me.

"So... um." He laughed at my discomfort.

"You know why I left Brazil?"

"Because you weren't good enough for Corinthians?" I guessed. He clutched at his heart.

"Meu Deus." He laughed. "Because Brazil has the strongest LGBT rights and support in South America and EVEN THEN you can't fuck men if you want to play football." I nodded slowly.

"You must really want to fuck men." He laughed and ran his eyes over me lasciviously. He smiled and shrugged.

"I want to fuck you." He said. "Dinner first though, eh?" I was totally speechless. He pushed a glass of wine towards and me I sipped on that gratefully.

We kind of made small talk. I mean, I sat and listened to him mostly, which suited me fine. He was charming, flirty, funny. I was starting to like him a lot. He was stroking my calf under the table and slowly we entwined our fingers over dessert. That was when I thought I felt someone looking at me.

I looked up.

Rory McIndoe was boring holes in me with his eyes from the bar across the room.

I could practically feel the hatred emanating off him. I blushed painfully red and Bennie glanced over his shoulder.

"I think this man has something to say to me." He joked. I glanced between them and my mouth fell open a little. I mean... it's not like I was doing anything wrong! Rory and I weren't dating. We were fucking. And he was still hanging out with girls so it was a little unfair of him to pretend he had a claim on me.

I was still processing when one of the girls I'd seen him with slunk up to Rory and wrapped her arms around his shoulder, whispering something in his ear. I raised my eyebrows and Bennie turned around again to see Rory blushing and turning away from me swiftly, the girl in his arms. Bennie laughed as he turned back to me.

"A story with no words." He said. He squeezed my hand. "He's a boy." He leant into me. "We are men."

--

I went back to Bennie's place and fuck yes, he was all man.

I think my face split in two as he stripped for me and unveiled his dick. I almost laughed.

"Where do you hide that?!" He grinned.

"You never look in the showers?" He teased. I shook my head.

"I have to make a point of not looking at you guys naked." He shrugged and knelt up on the bed beside me.

"I look at yours." He grinned. He held it next to mine. "Hmmm. I think you're bigger." I shrugged.

"Yeah but... I have like a foot on you..." He straddled me and I ran my fingers over his soft brown skin covered in a dusting of black, curly hair. His crotch was trimmed neatly and he knelt up as my fingers curled in his pubic hair.

"Suck me." He demanded. I grinned.

"Say please."

"Suck me and I'll let you fuck me raw." He whispered. My dick leaked a single drop of pre-cum and I moaned, opening my mouth obediently. Not that I thought raw was a good idea, but fuck it made me horny, and I blinked up at him as he inserted his big dick in my mouth, stroking my hair. "Cachorro." He said lovingly. I had no idea what the fuck that meant but he sounded hot. I moaned and closed my eyes as I started to suck him, tasting his slightly sour sweat and pre-cum. "Keep your eyes on me baby." He demanded. "Chupa-o puta." He muttered as I looked at him, moaning and making out with his cock like it was the best thing I'd ever tasted. He spat at my face and I paused.

"I don't know what you're saying, but it's hot." He grinned and shoved his dick back in.

"I know."

He fucked my face until he was close to cumming. Then he let me up, running his hands over my body and kissing me.

"Shit, Bennie." I whimpered as he teased me gently, at the same time working his hand in and out of his ass. "Fuck dude, you're so fucking hot." He bit his lip and pulled away, getting on all fours and glancing behind him, his hair draped over his shoulder. I fell to my knees and dove into his crack- not that he needed any help loosening up, he was so relaxed. He whined as I pushed my tongue in. "Hot fucking stud." I murmured. He stuck his ass up.

"Cala boca, e me foda." He whined. I figured I could work out what that meant.

I'd been fucking him for a while, enjoying his soft velvety ass on my cock. He was looser than Rory, he felt so relaxed- he was throwing himself on the bed passionately and moaning things I couldn't comprehend. Every now and then he'd flick his hair over his shoulder and catch my eye. Eventually I couldn't stop myself from grabbing his hair and forcing him to kneel up, with me behind him. He whined, losing strength as I held him in place. I reached for his dick and wrapped my hand around it. We were both so fucking close, moaning each others names as we clenched up. I opened my eyes to watch his dick, and as I came I happened to catch eyes with a tall skinny guy standing in the doorway, watching us, wanking.

"What the fuck?" My voice was weak and panicked. I jumped away from Bennie and tried to mumble something about it's not what it looks like. The guy didn't stop stroking his dick as he sauntered into the room and lay down next to Bennie, who grinned up at him dopily.

"What? You weren't dicking down my boyfriend?" I swallowed. I felt confused. I felt set up. "Boa noite, Benecio?" He kissed Bennie and grinned at me.

"This is Isaac." Bennie said. "My boyfriend. Isaac this is Jeremy." I didn't know what I'd walked into but I started to reach for my stuff.

"Stay?" Isaac asked. "It's only cheating if he doesn't share." I looked at the two of them, grinning at me.

"You could have just asked." I grumbled as I climbed back on the bed. Bennie smiled as he pulled me into a kiss, and I felt Isaac run his hands through my hair.

--

"Gay men... hear me out here... gay men have trained themselves not to feel an emotional connection. It's our fault really. We have this whole society telling us what it means to be masculine- you gotta be tall, you gotta be hairy, you gotta have a big dick and like rugby. So, you get a man who's into men and he can't stand the idea of being seen as anything other than a fucking man's man you know, so he decides he doesn't do feelings..."

"Well that's not gay specific is it? Mate, you're out with a different woman every week."

"I don't sleep with all of them."

"So you're saying it's ok for straight men to date casually, but gay men cant?"

"Look, if I see a girl a few times there comes a point where I get feelings right? And then at that point I would stop seeing other girls. But my mate- fucking fairy- he's been with one guy for years now, right, and I still caught him Friday night out with one of his team mates holding hands over steak. And the guy claims to be a vegetarian! I'm just saying, gay men are wired to take sex when it presents itself, fuck feelings..."

I reached over Alfie and turned the radio off, slamming my hand into it. He looked at me with his eyebrows raised.

"Um. Everything... ok bud?" I frowned at him.

"Yeah." Alfie swallowed.

"Uh... you know... you know if he's um, not out... then I don't think its wrong for you to go to dinner with someone who's into you." I closed my eyes.

"I didn't go out to dinner. I had a threesome. He's right." Alfie touched my forearm.

"Hey...Jer. He's not right. I know you have feelings for him. Must be hard when he insists on playing straight." I glared at Alfie.

"He is straight." I stormed out of the room and went to kick a ball around in Aro Park.

--

Rory and I didn't talk for a few months. I was actually doing ok, because I'd discovered the joy of being a bull for a hot couple who both bottomed. Bennie and I weren't discreet, but we also weren't overt. Our teammates kind of knew something was going on but they all denied it to the press.

"They're bloody good together on the field." Became the go to line. One of the guys I was closer to grinned at me and leant in.

"Probably bloody good off the field too." He joked. I rolled my eyes.

Eventually Rory caved. He was so fucking closeted he couldn't find anyone else to fuck. He showed up on our doorstep one night and I happened to answer the door. I didn't know what to say.

"Missed you?" He tried.

Obviously that didn't work.

I punched him.

I lit a cigarette roughly an hour later as his head was resting on my chest. He glanced at me.

"You smoke now?"

"After sex." A habit I'd picked up from Bennie and Isaac. His face fell as he looked at me.

"I'm such an idiot." He whispered. "I just hoped you'd wait for me."

"I am waiting for you." I inhaled. "Would you be so kind as to allow me to go to dinner with others while I wait for you, or do you want to cage up my dick and let me out when you're ready?"

"Well. Quite honestly if I could find a cage big enough I'd choose the latter. But ok. You're right. I don't own you." He did, actually, but he didn't need to know that. I squeezed him.

"I'll never love anyone like you." I said. "I'll stop fucking anyone else in a heartbeat if you come out." Rory lay silently, face down. His shoulders started to shake. Oh. I put out my cigarette and held him tight as he cried.

--Auckland City--

Because pro sport is stupid I eventually got traded to Auckland City FC. Rory decided he'd be moving too, which made sense because he was starting to get quite a name for himself and there was better networking in Auckland.

The other person moving was Isaac.

He and Bennie broke up and I, being kind of a slut now that Rory had given explicit permission, was fucking both of them separately. And to be totally honest sometimes together still, although they never stuck around for the post coital cigarette if we did that.

There were a few other guys as well. I worked out Grindr and I knew how hot I was getting- tall soccer players who study Microbiology sound really good on paper and thanks to Rory, who taught me everything I knew, I was doing ok in bed.

I was debating whether to sign again, or whether to finish my degree when another offer came up. A sports column for the Herald- a young person's perspective. They wanted me because I was gay and had been photographed at Pride last year shamelessly making out with Bennie. That photo had really done the rounds on social media. It was unheard of- and it had probably fucked up both of our careers outside New Zealand. But it also opened doors. I got a few ads, a few talkshow spots. I got to listen to Rory, now at GeorgeFM, talk about me. He wasn't as disparaging as usual. He said it took guts to be as out as I was in an industry that was geared towards homophobia.

"You were nice about me today." I said on the phone to him. We'd stopped meeting up except for a few very late nights at my apartment. We were both just verging on a little too famous.

"Public would crucify me." He grunted. "You're safe until they realise you weren't exclusive with Benecio Silva. Then I go back to talking about how all gay men are whores."