Asymmetric Bases Ch. 08

--------------------------------

* This chapter contains fewer erotic elements and focuses on creating a baseline for the remaining chapters.

--------------------------------

On Monday morning, after breakfast Amy said "Can you believe it's more or less the half of our two and a half months?"

I said "Yes, you're right. It passed quickly but a lot happened in this period."

She didn't say anything and sat like that.

I was waiting because she sounded like she was starting a conversation but she suddenly stopped talking. To hear the rest, I said "I thought you were going to say something?"

She looked at me and said "Yes, I'm not sure how to say it."

Not a single day without stress. It sounded like that.

"OK, I've been thinking since yesterday. If we go on like that, it worries me thinking about the end of this. I mean I don't know what will happen that day and I think we both are not prepared for one of the options."

"OK?"

"If this ends next month, we both don't know how it will affect us."

When she thought about stuff, I always ended up in an awkward or stressful situation. So, I nodded and avoided talking.

"That's why, I decided to go and visit my parents. I bought my ticket and I will leave tonight. I also arranged the vet hotel service, so you will not have to worry about the dog or my house."

This was stupid. Everything was fine and she was going to spend our precious days away.

"Why? Why did you do that?" I tried not to show that I was riled up, thinking that this was completely unnecessary.

"I thought we both should experience how we feel about being without each other. Maybe you'll see that you miss your wife more than me when you're alone. Or the opposite. Do you want to learn such a fact after you give a life changing decision?"

Life changing? She had to be sure that I was going to stay with her, otherwise why should she....

"Don't get my words wrong. Whatever your decision will be, it will change your life at that point."

I was positive that she could read my mind. And, she was right.

"I know, I get it." I hated this situation.

Suddenly I panicked and said "But what if both sides don't feel the same? What if you want to end this?" I could see how stupid this sentence was while I was hearing myself say it.

"Kismet..." she said, being the only grown-up person in the room.

"And how long are you planning to stay there?"

"Maybe till the weekend but I will decide there."

Fuck! My 'peaceful life' didn't seem that interesting to me at that moment. I didn't want to go and sit there alone. But I had no arguments to change that.

Suddenly I felt sick. What if she, again, thought that the last week brought us closer and she decided to step back? What if she was doing this to cool things off? If she managed that, I'd be the one who was going to suffer.

"When are we going?" I asked.

"Tonight, at 7 PM. And, we?"

"I want to drive you to the airport."

"I'll go myself; I already arranged a shuttle."

"Why can't I drive you?"

"Because we'll go to your place, I will put you there and you'll stay there, waiting for me. As if I'm leaving you for good." she put a kiss on my head and went to her room. She looked too calm for such a situation; this wasn't good.

In the afternoon, we went to my place and had coffee there.

Since I was feeling down, it was good that she didn't do some sexy tricks on me. We just talked.

"I am planning to avoid contact with you when I'm away as much as I can. Please remember that, we are doing this to be ready for the life after the end of our period. So, please use this time to let your emotions settle for each possible ending. Either of them means big changes." she said before kissing me softly.

And she left.

I was home and felt empty that night. I didn't feel anything. I called her at night but her phone was off. My friends were having a drink and chat meeting on zoom, I joined to that but didn't want to talk much.

Next morning, I woke up in my bed and thought about Amy and my wife Megan.

I wanted Megan to be in my life till the end but I wasn't yet able to say the same for Amy. Because she was presenting me a life that I had to control myself, without true peace and freedom. I always was alert around her but I felt relaxed with my wife. My wife meant peace. Amy meant love and lust, where my wife stopped offering me those. Or we both made it that way.

When I considered my life before Amy, I had a chance to make a more realistic comparison.

I was in peace, yes. I had no one to answer to or I didn't feel the need to keep myself 'attractive' or 'desirable' all the time. I wasn't that young anymore and I didn't find the energy to concentrate on such things every day. These were the good parts, when you look at them from the comfort perspective.

On the other hand, since I was living with Amy, I found the energy to concentrate on anything that might lead to any erotic action with her, I wanted her to find me attractive. I never looked for pursuing my peace yet. Both of these facts told me that she made me feel younger.

Not because she was young; this was about caring what your partner thought about you. Which was good, because after years, I lost weight, I wanted to look better and I managed to do that.

She made me answer to her and obey her, even if she didn't call it that. She called this our mutual, natural, collaborative positioning or something like that. But I was the one giving in or humoring her. Sometimes willingly, sometimes after losing a fight not to.

Normally, I was bored of endless responsibilities or reporting to hierarchical morons in my work life but with her, even these were hot. As I told before, she became a true leader in my life that I was feeling satisfied, horny and in love as I followed her. This wasn't something one could stumble into many times in his life. This was something that most people - including me - never even knew the existence of and never felt the need for.

Another point to think was, it was almost impossible for me to choose one side because there were risks at the same time.

Even I made this evaluation solely on wanting to be with Amy, most of the main risks were related to the unpredictable mind of her. It was impossible to know what she would do next. She already pushed me way ahead of many of my limits or red lines, that I thought I had.

She liked to make me feel uneasy. I remember many occasions where I felt like that was the end of our relationship in this short period.

She liked to conquer. When she wanted to have something or was curious about the effects of some act, it was hers to take. If that was something you didn't have in in you or seemed to be not applicable, she created it first, then took it.

As in my jealousy. I didn't have that in me, not much. She worked me to create an ultimate level of it. She made me hurt from jealousy and then she owned my jealousy rights as well. It became one of the most important things in our life, threatening my sanity and peace all the time. Of course, it was impossible to ignore the elevated pleasures and my devotion to her, which all came with that fear.

She did those knowing that I cared about my marriage and my wife, knowing that my mind was set to go back to my wife.

I had no idea what she could do if I left my wife for her. Sure, we could be living as we were before. But she could try anything to test my limits, beyond the point I could endure.

I even wasn't sure if she had an idea on how she would feel or act like, if I chose to 'offer my life to her'. Even the choice of my words was strange when defining that decision, instead of 'chose her', 'propose to her', 'live with her' etc.

I just knew that she would break any of my resistances she noticed. She loved doing that.

She could go forward until I couldn't take it anymore and at that point, she could kick my ass out of her life.

She could push me until she ran out of imagination and even if I complied, she could get bored and again, I could end up like her ex.

There was another problem. Even if I felt selfish at the time of my decision, stayed with her, everything went fine and we maintained a balance in our relationship which would last forever, I still cared about my wife.

I didn't want to hurt her and I definitely didn't want her to be out of my life like that, especially where she was unhappy and alone while I was in a happy life. My conscience would not let me be truly happy.

I was in an impossible situation.

The best possible way I could find was to choose to be unhappy and return to my wife. But this wasn't a solution, this was the most unselfish and least bad way I could find, if decisions mattered when you're in love.

I decided to wait for Amy's return and tell her about my dilemma. If she really loved me, she would help or at least we would try to find some solution together.

I was talking to my wife almost bi-daily and I managed not to make her suspect anything since the beginning. Good thing we didn't have a land line, we always used mobile phones for the last month.

After having breakfast, I noticed that I was enjoying my free time.

The first day I went to the gym, ordered food, watched stuff I liked. I didn't really think of anyone that much, it was good to be alone. I missed my privacy.

The next day I called Amy again but her phone was still off. I sent a message on WhatsApp, just to see if she was turning her phone on or not time to time. I wrote "I hope you landed safely, could not reach you. Kisses..."

I didn't want to ask her how it was going or look too needy. I wasn't sure if she missed me at all. I wasn't sure if I missed her as much as I thought I would.

I went to the gym again, ate outside and met some friends to have a beer in the afternoon. In fact, I was fine. I wasn't thinking about anything.

Next morning, I checked my phone to see that she didn't read my message yet. So, she was keeping her phone off or she set the WhatsApp not to inform the message read information to the message senders. She told me she would avoid contact so I didn't dwell on it.

I went to the gym. There was one of the girls I adored, wearing sexy tights. She had red hair to her shoulders and had a face beyond beautiful. Her body looked like Amy's. I thought that I would go with her if she flirted with me. I already had broken the seal on cheating my wife. Was I getting out of Amy's orbit?

In the afternoon, I was reading a book and suddenly Amy popped in my head. I suddenly wished that she was with me, reading her book. Slowly our conversations started to cloud my head and I started to miss her considerably, for the first time. It was interesting that I missed our non-sexual moments first.

I thought that I wasn't busy with something so that was the reason. I would be OK the next morning. This thought helped me relax and focus on my book. For an hour.

Then I wondered if she saw my message.

I checked my phone to see that she didn't. I called her again and it was still off.

This was too much. Why was she doing this? I wouldn't call her if she told me not to, why turn off her phone?

As time passed, I was fixated on Amy. I was getting paranoid, without being aware.

As a result of that mood, suddenly I felt sicker. What if she didn't go to her parents? What if she was somewhere else with that fiancé or ex-fiancé of hers? She could have been doing the same cool down thing she did before, what if she succeeded?

Should I have asked her? How?

Wait, she didn't have to go anywhere, what if she was staying at his place?

Or him, staying at her place?

It was around 9 PM and I went out to check her window for lights. The thought of finding them on made me shiver. I couldn't get rid of the thought of her being with someone else.

What if she found a guy as her 'cheating material' profile? What if she was squealing under such a low-life? My mind was in mass production. Her lights weren't on but this didn't help me calm down. I went and checked her car in the parking lot, so I would check again the next day to see if it moved.

That night I called her a few times more.

I couldn't sleep for a long time, because I was feeling agitated.

It occurred to me that even if I didn't love her, jealousy would solely prevent me from letting her go, unless she left me herself. But I knew that I started to miss her before my mind put those thoughts to the front seat. I jerked off thinking of her that night, wishing I had her worn underwear or socks. I slept thinking of her body and smell. I also missed sleeping with her, feeling her warmth. I wasn't an after-sex cuddler or snuggler, not before her.

The mornings were better. I loved having breakfast and at the gym I mostly became detached from outer world. Starting from the afternoon hours, all I could do was to think of Amy.

It had been 3-4 days and I was going crazy that I couldn't talk to her.

I went to her place after 8 PM and checked the window and her car. No lights and no movement. I remembered that it was her parking lot so even if she moved her car, she would put it in the same spot. So, I ripped a few leaves from a tree and painted the concrete to mark the exact spot her tires were at, after checking if anyone was around.

Next morning, I was completely paralyzed. I didn't have a good breakfast, I didn't go to the gym, I couldn't work or read anything. I spent most of my day around her building, checking her car a few times and calling her.

When I got back home, I realized that this wasn't normal. It was unbearable but also this was not something a normal person would do. What she was doing wasn't normal too.

Why wasn't she calling me?

Did she want me to suffer enough to learn that it wasn't possible for me to live without her?

Was this her next step to make me another ex, to be left out, begging forever for her attention? Did she leave me for real already and wasn't I aware of that yet?

It was already Friday and I hoped that she came back before the weekend as she told. But her phone was off and there was no way to find that out.

I decided to go to the vet. I could tell them I wanted to visit Amy's dog, while buying some dietary food for my dog. And I could chat them up to learn if they contacted with her. The vet would know when she was going to pick her dog up.

What was happening to me? This was something a stalker would do. I even didn't have any serious relationship rights on her, I was married. I went to the vet anyway.

"Hi, how's everything?" I said when I saw the vet. I was his customer too.

"Fine, Shawn, how are you?"

"Not bad, except the diarrhea problem. Not me of course." I laughed.

He smiled and said "Prebiotic supplement then, right? I have a special food for that if you prefer."

"Yes, that's better. And, I heard Amy's dog is in your hotel this week, having a hard time?"

"Amy?" he was puzzled.

No, please no. If she didn't leave her dog here, it meant... I didn't know what it meant.

"Not here?"

"No, I haven't heard from her for at least two months."

I quickly changed the subject like an experienced liar or sociopath, as he put the dog food on the counter.

"I must have heard wrong then, wait, don't you have salmon?"

"I think we do; I'll get it."

After I bought that expensive pet food for no reason, I sat in my car with a burning head.

It was possible that she preferred some other vet or a pet hotel. Even if she didn't, she could easily say that.

But I wasn't feeling OK. I felt like she wanted to get rid of me. I felt like I already lost her.

I knew now, if she didn't leave me for good, it wasn't possible for me to return to my wife. I didn't even want to consider leaving her. She meant too much for me. Even if this was her plan, I now knew that I could only accept what she had in the store for me.

What if she was with someone else? Was I going to swallow that? I called her again to see it was still off.

At night I thought for hours and finally I sent another message to her.

"Amy, it is obvious that I can't live without you. I am sending you this message, so you now know that you will be the person deciding for my future. I love you."

I didn't even think about how it would happen, if she decided for us to be together. I knew she didn't tell me that she was leaving me - not for real - but my mind wasn't in the right place anymore.

I could hardly think of the possibilities if she decided to continue with me. I was feeling that this message was my last hopeless effort.

She didn't see my message and I fell asleep with my phone in my hand.

I sat at home, doing nothing on Saturday and Sunday. She didn't call, she didn't write back. She even didn't see my message. I was trying to accept the fact that I had to adjust living without her.

I already sent a message which put me in her pocket, she didn't even care to reply. If she didn't see it, she didn't care what I was doing or how I was feeling for all these days.

My mind wasn't letting me rest, constantly producing scenarios. She probably was showing my message to her new toy, as a part of her new plan in her new game. Or she found a real lover and they were laughing at my message.

On Monday morning, I woke up with a message beep on my phone. I jumped to read it. It was from Amy.

It said "OK."

A normal person would read this and say "Is that it? What kind of a robot is she?"

But I was ready to hold on to what I could get. I knew this was a very slippery slope. Before she left, we were some sort of lovers and we maintained a lifestyle we both were OK with but my message and her reply could deal the cards again.

Anyway, I was excited that she came back. I called her.

Her phone was off. So, she checked her messages after one week, gave me that creepy response and turned the phone off again? What kind of a torture was that? I had no idea of my situation in her eyes. I guessed it wasn't good but after my message, she probably saw me as her doormat.

The worst part of all this was, I was aware of that but I didn't care enough to man up for my dignity. But for the sake of not losing her, I decided to act normal and show some confidence after that point, as much as I could.

I wanted to ask about her dog but I decided not to. Instead, I sent her another message "Aren't you back yet?"

My new profile didn't match any kind of lover profile. I could lose her completely just because of that needy and completely surrendered state of mine. I had to recover from that psyche.

She didn't read or reply to my message the whole week, including the weekend. I called like a hundred times and her phone was always off.

My agitation started to fade away, being replaced by some unhealthy idolization of her. It wasn't like a religion, that would be exaggerating but it had similarities. Especially with that derailed perception of reality or logic in my mind.

I wasn't sure about her existence, first of all. She existed of course but did she still exist for me? Was it possible for me to see or reach her again in my life? These weren't thoughts, they were some sort of emotions that started to rule my thoughts.

It was possible that if I had a belonging of hers, I would be showing my respect or love to it, on behalf of her. Not like a lunatic or as if I was worshipping to that but I would see it as the last connection between us.

Day by day my will to call her decreased but my love was increasing.

I knew she left me.

I didn't want to react to that. I didn't send her a message saying "I think you already left me, I'm sorry but I will never forget you." to save face, I resisted my instincts because it could make things worse, if there was a single hope I couldn't see.

The only thought making me angry or impatient was that she was wasting our precious time, if she was playing a game and still loved me.