Audrey Gets Daring

Audrey meanwhile had realised what had happened. She had got the wrong floor. All the corridors looked the same. With her arms still out in front of her she made her way back out into the corridor. The retinue followed and there in front of her she saw a large woman marching down the corridor towards her. Mrs Winterbottom wasn't the only one to have been woken by the screams. Kathryn the hotel manager was loose. Woken from her sleep by screaming, and not very happy about it at all she was marching forth to find out what had happened. Deidre blanched at the sight. Everyone blanched when Kathryn appeared.

Kathryn was not tall, but what she lacked in height she made up in width. A short square woman with a short square temper, she was an eternal martyr to lower abdominal wind which she released with unabashed abandoned at regular intervals. These discomfitures produced in her a level of irritability which she took out on every soul who annoyed her. She looked Audrey up and down and sneered.

"What's all this about?" she demanded.

"She's sleepwalking," explained Deidre, "we daren't wake her or she'll have a fit and die."

"Sleepwalking! Your Fat Arse!" exclaimed Kathryn, an expression which was at the same time both one of her favourites and particularly apt, "Give her a shake, get her back to her room and let's all get back to bed," and she made to grab hold of the unfortunate Audrey now quaking under her piercing gaze.

Owain however interposed himself.

"Police Constable Jenkins!" he announced importantly, "I'm in charge here."

Kathryn stopped.

"You're in charge," she sneered as if such a thing were unthinkable, "She's play acting, can't you see."

Owain however could not see.

"She's not play acting!" he said.

"Are you some sort of moron?" asked Kathryn

"Moron!" Owain Jenkins drew himself up to his full five foot three inches, "I'll have you know I'm a special constable," he spluttered.

"Special! Your Fat Arse!" said Katharine, "Fido!" she suddenly announced.

Owain stared at her as if she'd gone mad.

"Fido! There you are. I told you!"

"What do you mean Fido?" Owain was totally nonplussed.

"Everybody knows if you say 'Fido' to somebody who's sleepwalking they go down on their hands and knees and start barking like a dog. Don't tell me you didn't know that. Moron."

"Well," Owain had never heard that, but he certainly wasn't going to admit it. He didn't want people thinking he was a moron. "Of course I know it," he said, "everybody knows that. There must be a reason why she..."

He turned round to look at Audrey, but she had disappeared, "Where the blazes.." he started off when he was interrupted.

"Woof woof!"

Owain hadn't been the only one to be taken aback by the news that she was by now supposed to be on her hands and knees barking like a dog.

"Woof woof," said Audrey plaintively. She'd better be convincing or God knows what trouble she'd be in now.

Norma looked down at the barking Audrey and gasped. She appeared to be winking at her. Suddenly she realised. It was Audrey who travelled in Frilly Knickers and she clearly was just pretending.

How had Audrey got into this mess and what on earth should she do to get her out of it?

"I know her," she suddenly announced.

Audrey looked. Didn't she know that her large and very comely bosoms were on display, but trapped as she was in the ridiculous pretence of being sleepwalking there was nothing she could do to help her.

"She's Audrey Smithers and she's in Frilly Knickers," pronounced Norma.

Everybody stared down at Audrey; the lack of knickers of any description was all too apparent.

"Well," pronounced Kathryn looking at Deidre, "go and find out what room she's in."

"Yes, that's right Deidre. Go and look up what room's she's in," Owain tried to keep up the pretence of still being in charge.

Deirdre looked at Owain and smiled.

"Certainly Owain," she pouted, and set off down the corridor.

In Her Knickers! Thought Owain seeing Deirdre's comely behind wiggling down the corridor. Her knickers were already, to his mind, round her knees.

Kathryn watched her go as well. She had another idea to get Audrey out of her so-called trance so they could all get back to bed. She turned on her heels and walked the other way down the corridor.

In the room next door Mrs Winterbottom was being put through to the police station.

Sergeant Prosser eyed the plain brown paper envelope on his desk with pleasure, licking his lips as he did so. He had the magazine delivered to his office so that his wife would not find out. His wife would not understand and his wife was a hard woman. She did not understand his needs. True, he had to make do now with pictures rather than the real thing, but even pictures could give him some pleasure - could stir those inner juices that desperately needed stirring. He looked outside the door to make sure that there was nobody about who might come in and disturb him and opened up the package. He turned first to the centre fold, where he always turned to first. His eyes went lasciviously over the big-breasted "bird" in the picture. Prosser always used the word "bird". He admired the plump rounded breasts, the skin the golden brown colour of dark olive oil. He gazed on the pinker flesh of the legs and his eyes slowly followed them up to where they met. The parson's nose -- always the best part he felt of a roast turkey. And this one was pictured with all the trimmings. His mouth watered and he remembered those days before his wife had discovered that his cholesterol was high; before she had put him on the vegetarian diet. She didn't understand a man's needs. That was the trouble. His only consolation now was his magazine "Celia's Special Party Collection", and what a collection Celia had -- the plump breasts and the golden brown legs - they fair made his mouth water.

His eye started to twitch. His eye always twitched when he got excited and he was getting excited now, but not as much as he would be when his other magazine arrived. He would be lucky to keep his helmet on then.

The phone rang. Sergeant Prosser lifted the receiver and heard the strangulated voice of a woman.

"Sergeant Prosser," he answered, "and what can I do for you Madame."

The reply was not what he quite expected.

"Murder! There's somebody being murdered."

"Murder eh?" Sergeant Prosser let the words roll round his mouth. They didn't often get murders in Aberdaberw

"Oh, it's murder is it?" he asked, "and where would that be being then?"

"In the hotel. Come quickly. We'll all be murdered in our beds. They're screaming in corridor. He's going to murder us all!"

"Who's going to be murdering us all?"

"Fatarse. I heard one of the girls shouting. 'You're Fatarse' she said."

Mrs Winterbottom, who had led a sheltered life, had no knowledge of the significance of the phrase, but to Sergeant Prosser it had a very definite significance.

'Fatarse McGinty!' he said to himself. He remembered instantly the message that had come through from the yard. Fatarse McGinty had broken out and was on loose, and it had fallen to him Huw Llewellyn Prosser to be the one to capture him. He picked up his helmet and abandoning his place at the police station desk he went out to fetch his bicycle. It would only take fifteen minutes to cycle down to the hotel!

Back in the hotel Deidre had returned with Audrey's room number and the still barking Audrey was progressing as fast as she could on hands and knees to the end of the corridor. She had been a fool. Her room was on the floor below. Kathryn however had other ideas. She had been to the ice station and had returned with a bucket of ice. She'd soon show them all that this woman was playacting. Before anyone could stop her, the contents of the ice bucket, water, ice and all had been emptied over the naked back of the unsuspecting Audrey. The sudden effect of being doused with icy cold water was a shock that Audrey had not been expecting. The water went over her head, down her back and ran down over her bottom and down her legs. She shrieked. Well you would shriek wouldn't you?

Deidre shrieked, after all shrieking is infectious, "You've killed her," she shouted, "She's having a fit!" and she launched herself at the unfortunate Kathryn bowling her over and flattening her to the ground. Meanwhile Owain had leapt on Audrey.

"She's choking to death!" He cried you've definitely killed her. Some half remembered instruction from an ancient first aid course came back to him.

"Stick a spoon up her arse!" he shouted.

Not surprisingly Audrey shrieked some more at this suggestion and when nobody moved, Owain shouted again.

"Stick something cold up her arse! That's what you do to stop people fitting."

"I don't believe we have a spoon," exclaimed Wilma, not unnaturally.

"We've got an ice cube," said Deirdre helpfully, "shall I stick that up her bum?"

Owain looked at her expectantly. To his mind's eye her knickers were round her ankles.

Audrey started struggling some more, but Owain fearing that the fit was getting out of hand restrained her even more, rolling her over on to her back, he held her down by the shoulders while pulling her legs up to her knees.

Poor Audrey kicked and struggled even more, but the more she did so, the more Owain felt it imperative to apply the cooling treatment.

"Get it up! Get it up!" he cried, pulling her legs up to her chest and presenting her posterior orifice for Deidre's ministrations. Audrey, pinned down, legs pulled up, orifice exposed, only too aware of the spectacle she was presenting to the world, realised that the game was up. She was going to get the ice cubes whether she liked it or not.

She felt the first one pressed against her orifice, but she hadn't been expected the effect it had when it went up.

Sergeant Huw Prosser heard the shrieks as he approached the hotel. He knew where his duty lay. To follow the shrieks and arrest Fat Arse McGinty.

Audrey, flat on her back with her legs immobilised felt the freezing cube of ice pushed up her bum. She gave up the struggle. Anything was better than another cube of ice. She hugged her knees to her chest, closed her eyes tight and prayed for the dawn.

Deidre was looking out through the corridor window as Sergeant Prosser made his unsteady way on his bicycle along the High Street and wobbled to a stop in front of the hotel.

She looked from the rotund figure of Sergeant Prosser to the now passive Audrey, still on her back, stark naked with her knees drawn up to her chest, and everyone standing round staring at her trying to decide what to do next. It suddenly occurred to her that this was perhaps a problem that could be safely left to the good Sergeant to resolve.

She turned to the others, "It's the rozzers," she exclaimed, "time to scarper I think."

The others looked down at the recumbent Audrey, then at each other. Then as if reaching an instantaneous simultaneous agreement they made off quickly down the corridor.

Audrey, eyes tight closed, hands over her ears, knees still pulled up and acutely aware of an ice cube up her bum suddenly seemed to sense that, as Sergeant Huw Prosser rounded the corner into the corridor, all was silent. That was until she heard the unmistakeable sound of a policeman's helmet falling off and landing with a distinct thud on the wooden floor beside her.

Kathryn settle down in front of the television in time for Coronation Street. She'd soon fettled them. She released a loud blast of contentment. She wouldn't be disturbed again that night.

Owain had his trousers down and Deirdre had her six inch ruler out. She shook her head. Barely five inches, and that was being generous. Still it was late and there wasn't much alternative. She hitched up her skirt and a big smile spread across Owain's face as her knickers descended gracefully to the floor.

Up in Room 301 Hiram T Baumgartner was not so lucky. Feet apart, naked and leaning against the wall his balls hung invitingly between his legs as Wilma took aim with her high heeled leather boot. In vain did he protest that he hadn't even noticed the girl's tits.

With shaking hands Sergeant Prosser opened his other magazine. His eye hadn't stopped twitching since the sight that had greeted him in the hotel corridor. He was in urgent need of immediate relief.

Up in her room Norma lay in bed, her milk white bosoms bared to receive the teeth of the Vampire Queen. A vampire possessed of pretty impressive bosoms herself. A vampire called Audrey.