Bad Blood

I thought about it for a second, then the answer hit me. "You come with me, is what. We'll stop at the mall and get you a toothbrush and some decent clothes, after that I'll introduce you to the real subject matter expert."

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Misty stood and looked at Brad, arms akimbo. "So this guy is your genius brother," she scoffed, "doesn't look so smart to me."

OK, Brad had problems, but I couldn't resist just a little ridicule, "Yeah, he's pretty good at calculating re-entry trajectories, but when it comes to women he doesn't know shit."

"You got that right," she snapped. She walked up close to him. He towered over her, but he was the one that seemed intimidated. Turns out his instincts were right; without warning she punched him in the balls. Brad instantly doubled over in pain.

In a state of shock, I started to say something but was cut off when, pointing at me, Misty hissed at him threateningly, "You see your brother? He's MY man now. He told me how you and Darlene mocked him at that bar. You remember doing that, Sparky?" Sparky, er, Brad, his eyes watering in pain, nodded.

Misty wasn't through, "He's your family. Let me make it clear, if you ever, I mean EVER, do him dirty again you'll have ME to answer to. Is that understood?" Brad nodded again; he was probably too afraid to say anything. Holy shit, who was this beautiful demon lover of mine? I was scared and horny at the same time.

Satisfied my brother got the message, the anger left Misty's eyes and she got down to business. "You just got caught in a hustle my family calls 'the cowbird'. They do a house takeover just like a cowbird lays eggs in another birds nest and pushes the other eggs out.

Sure, you can go through the process of eviction, but evicting squatters can be a real hassle, not to mention time consuming, and cost a ton of money. Darlene and Honor just want to make a quick buck; things will go faster if you cut out the courts and the sheriffs and just pay them directly."

Brad finally found his voice, "How much should I pay them?"

Misty didn't hesitate, "$15,000 in cash should do it. If you don't want to meet with them again, I don't blame you; I'll take the money to them myself. They trust me."

"What about the child support?" His eyes were filled with worry, and rightly so.

Misty laughed. "They may or may not both be pregnant. At her age, I'm betting Honor don't want more kids; my guess is that Darlene is the one, and it was her that peed on both those test sticks. I suggest you hold off on offering any payments until the baby is born, then do a DNA test. If it's your kid, then you'll be needing a good lawyer."

Unsure of what to do next, Brad cautiously moved up as if to hug Misty, "How can I ever thank you for helping me?"

Having none of it, she straight-armed him; surprised, he took a step back, "You thank me by paying me. I think $2000 in cash will be thanks enough."

The worry in his eyes turned to indignation now. Big mistake, dude. "What? $17,000 to make this go away?"

Misty stepped up close to him, and he flinched. "That's fucking cheap, Sparky. You're avoiding court costs and lawyer's fees, plus think about your reputation, you dingleberry! When you go to court to evict them, it'll be entered in the public record and if someone wanted to embarrass you, they could easily discover it and use it against you. Is that how you want to play it?"

Brad knew he'd been defeated. He looked at the floor and mumbled, "No."

"Good! Now have Steven take you to the bank before it closes and let's get this over with. You're taking away time from me loving up my man, and to be honest it's kind of pissing me off."

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A month later, Misty and I were back at the Le Palais Grande. No $800 wine this time, though; instead, my buddy Phillipe Bardin brought us a $75 bottle of a nice Napa Valley Cabernet Sauvignon. I had planned this to be a big night, and Misty must have sensed it. She was dressed in a ruby-red floor-length dress made of stretchy material that clung to her curves like a Formula 1 car on a turn in the French Grand Prix.

If her objective was me not being able to take my eyes off her, she succeeded. The meal was fantastic, of course, but I was so nervous I could barely taste it. After the coffee was served, it was time. I rose out of my chair and got down on one knee in front of her, holding up a small box with an engagement ring.

"Misty, in the time we've been together I just keep falling in love with you more and more. I can't picture the future without you. Please say you'll be my wife, and the mother of our children. We can get married wherever you want; a chapel at Lake Tahoe, a little church back in Louisiana, I don't care, I just want to be your husband."

She took the ring and slipped it on her finger, jumping up and down. "YES!!! Steven Montello, I would LOVE to be your wife. Yes, I'll marry you!" I stood and pulled her up into a full embrace; several other patrons in the restaurant applauded as I kissed my former-girlfriend-now-fiancée. Life was good!

We were on the way out to the pickup truck when Misty mentioned, "Umm, Steven sweetie? What you said about getting married anywhere? Let's just drive to Las Vegas, because I'd like to get married as soon as possible. The doctor told me yesterday I'm 6 weeks pregnant."

I was stunned; "WHAT!?!?! That's fantastic, but I thought you said you were on the pill!"

She shrugged like it was no big deal, "I lied about being on the pill. Unlike Honor and Darlene, I don't want any damned child support. What I wanted was you as my husband, with a hard-on for me every sundown and a good-morning kiss every sunup. Once I set my mind that you were my man, I was going to do anything to keep you. And now I have you! Yay me!" My adorable woman giggled again, a dangerous and thrilling thing.

I was thrilled at the idea of being a father but was stunned by the realization that Misty had played me! "But Misty... wasn't that kind of... manipulative? Why? You knew I loved you! Couldn't you see I was planning to marry you?"

She threw her arms around my neck and reached up to kiss me. "You handsome dork, you're a man; with men, proposing's never a sure thing. What if you got cold feet? Besides, with the way you treated me, there was no way I was ever going to let you get away." She stepped in close, snuggled up to my chest, and murmured, "Besides, after what your brother went through, you should have seen it coming."

It finally realized this wonderful, beautiful creature in my arms was half kitten and half copperhead snake; cute as a button but cold-blooded as a Wall Street executive when she needed to be. I shivered a bit, either from being thrilled or intimidated, I wasn't sure which.

"Oh, and just so you know, Darlene's kin, but not my cousin; she's my half-sister. Her momma Honor was married to my daddy Silas Chantelle, but she's not really a widow; he didn't die, he divorced her and married my momma, Nicki Lynn Chantelle." She hugged me, then said, "Ooooh, I can't wait for you to meet my momma. She's gonna LOVE you!"

I began to wonder exactly what I'd gotten myself into, but I didn't wonder long; Misty reached into her bra; pulling out a wad of $100 bills, she handed it to me.

"By the way, here's your share of the take: $2500."

"Ummm, my share of what, exactly?"

"Well, I got $2,000 from your brother, and then $3,000 from Honor and Darlene, that's $5,000 altogether. You're my man, so you get half, $2500."

"Wait, you were in on this with Honor and Darlene?"

"Not at first, no, but when it got down to the end, they asked for my help to convince Brad. By the way, it was what I thought -- Darlene is pregnant, Honor's not. I hope your folks will enjoy having a grandchild. Brad will definitely be paying child support, unless of course he marries Darlene. You think he'll still like her after this? Anyway, here, take your share!"

I stammered, still flustered by what I just learned. "Misty, I can't accept this! I didn't do anything!"

"Sure you did. You just didn't know it at the time, but you were the bird dog that flushed out Brad so Darlene and Honor could catch him."

I thought about that a minute. "You mean if Brad hadn't shown up and been such an ass, it could have been ME she was scamming?" Misty giggled. God, I loved her laugh, even though it also kind of terrified me at the same time.

She gave me a kiss on the nose. "No, silly man, Darlene's got a nose for money. Trust me, you wouldn't pass the sniff test; the second she saw your old pickup truck she would have dumped you flat. Brad showing up with that Porsche of his, that was MUCH more her style. Her ass hitting the fine leather seats in that car when he drove her home is what sealed that boy's fate, not you."

I had to laugh. I'd been played, all right; no sense being a sore loser about it. I sighed, kissed my future bride and patted her belly. "If our baby's a girl, I'll be in real trouble, won't I?"

She nibbled on my lower lip, narrowed her eyes and whispered, "You'd better believe it. Bad blood runs in every Chantelle woman."

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"Bad blood is takin' you for a ride,

The only thing good about bad blood is lettin' it slide..." -- Neil Sedaka