Bad News, Tim

Bad News Tim

We've been married for 45+ years and for the past several years we've been sleeping separately. It's called 'sleep divorce' because of some circumstance; in our case I snore loudly enough to wake myself at times. I've been a stay-at-home dad since our 2 kids were in elementary school. They are both grown and we have 3 wonderful grandchildren! I left my job as my vision deteriorated to the point I could no longer read 'normal' sized print such as 12-point Tahoma, Verdana, Arial, you get the idea. Corrective lenses weren't an option as they had been prescribed while I was in high school and they only caused massive headaches. Headaches similar to a migraine in that light and sound were an issue. I'd lie in a dark room with a cold compress on my forehead after taking aspirin, this was in the late '60s.

In college I waded through everything and got a BA. Then I got a job and worked at that. I met Ang (Angelica) when she was a freshman and I was a junior. I have to admit as a horny 19 year old I was very attracted to the chest Ang was pushing around. We dated for the 3 years I was still on-campus since I had managed to change majors often enough to require a 5^th year to gain the credits I needed to graduate.

We got engaged during 1^st semester of her junior year and wedding plans started. After I graduated I found a job about 30 miles from school and we saw each other as often as possible but since I didn't drive it averaged out to about every 3 weekends. Angelica worked during the holiday season at a Toys RUs near her parent's home which was about 110 miles from the 2-bedroom apartment I had rented near work. Her senor year was tough on us but we made it through.

We got married, honey-mooned in Pennsylvania's Pocono Mountains which was the honey-moon capital of the East back then. After the wedding we blended our lives and things were good. We had a son at 2 1/2 years after the wedding and a daughter 21 months after that. Ang had medical issues with both pregnancies so she had her tubes tied to avoid any more chances of life-threatening pregnancies.

My vision deteriorated even more and we made the decision for Ang to go to work full-time and I'd take over the child-care/home-care duties. Really this was just relieving me of the stress of work since I'd do a lot of the house cleaning anyway. We had agreed Ang's primary concern was the education and raising of the kids. I actually enjoyed the house cleaning. I had been raised in a single parent home for quite a while and my father was a bit of a stickler about cleaning and doing everything around the house.

So Angelica went looking for a teaching job but she wasn't able to find one. She had had a close chance until the son of a town council member got the position. Ang went to work in what else: retail. She knew quite a bit about it from working at Toys while in college and it was something she could flow right into. She started in women's clothes and lasted a couple years there but she wanted to make more money so she moved to hard goods because she had said the pay was better.

She went to a drugstore chain and spent several years there becoming a store manager. She left there to go to a party goods store which she was very successful there. She had even been moved into the corporate offices because she had done a stellar job and the owner rewarded her with a 9-5 job. That improved our home life since the hours were far more consistent. We traveled on weekends to see family or friends. She traveled occasionally for work, usually a week at a time but that was only twice a year for meetings in Florida. Week-long trips increased as she went away to organize new store openings. These openings were 3 or 4 times a year. That had pushed her travel to 5 or 6 weeks per year. That job ended when she said they wanted to move her into a position she'd find mind-numbingly boring.

She went to a department store as a department manager and stayed there until we moved to be closer to our daughter and her kids. By then Ang was nearing 60 and she was talking retirement. She lasted until she was 64 and she told me she had had enough. She's been retired for almost 3 years now and things are better. She smiles a lot more than she use to and I try to make her laugh with some pun or joke as often as I can. Life has gotten better since she retired.

That's our history in a nutshell. Of course there are a lot of details which aren't germane to the story so we don't need them. Suffice to say we had our ups and downs and there had been pressures which we managed to get through with as little effect on the kids as possible. It had been a long 45 year marriage and I had considered leaving it a few times but once the kids were out of the house it was just easier to go along to get along, inertia I think that is what its called.

# # # #

This morning I woke from a dream, no a nightmare. In the dream I walked into Ang's bedroom, knelt down next to her and laid my head on her left arm. She woke up and asked, "Is everything okay honey?"

"I don't know Ang because you are keeping secrets from me. You've been keeping secrets throughout our marriage and it's time to hash it all out."

"Why are you telling me this at 6AM Tim?"

"Because it has been 45+ years of married life, plus the 3+ years we made love before the wedding. I think it is time you told me the truth."

"What are you talking about?"

"I KNOW you've had lovers over the years. I don't know how many but you always came home to me and you always made me feel like the center of your world, even more so than the kids but I need to know the truth now Angelica." She had taken a deep breath and held it while I made that statement and now she let it out as a long sigh.

"You're right Tim. You have been and always will be the center of my world and I love you so much. But over the years I have needed attention that you weren't giving me at times and there were some men who were.... convenient for periods of time that filled the void." I let out a sigh and Ang continued. "None of them were at all important to me but they filled the need when you weren't."

I looked into her eyes and saw tears. "Honey, I'm sorry but I needed some attention and you weren't there at the time but I always made you the center of my world whenever it was over."

"Will you tell me about my failings now please Ang?"

"You didn't fail me Tim, you just weren't able to be there for me at the times when I needed attention. It's been years since the last time and I really don't want to refresh all those memories. I've put them in a box and locked them away. Please don't make me bring them out, please."

"I'm sorry Ang but I will not let this just fade into the background of the rest of our life. I need to know the truth about what you've done because right now I'm feeling lost and hurt. I know I've been a....high-maintenance person in the emotion department but I've always loved you and did what I could for you. You need to....no I need to know the whole story now. I don't need every detail but I need to know the truth."

Angelica's expression changed to something he hadn't seen before. She looked cold, hard and said, "Well if you're going to make me talk about this let's go to the kitchen and start." She pushed, literally shoved me away from her and got out of bed. She grabbed her robe and went to the master bathroom.

While she sat she said, "Fine Tim, go start my water dripping." It wasn't her usual tone of voice, it was clipped and I was shocked there wasn't a please. It had been an order and I wondered what I had brought down on myself this morning. I went to the kitchen started her water and my Keurig.

She came into the kitchen and went to make her tea. I had my mug of coffee and headed to the counter to get milk. As I poured she said, "So you want to know what exactly Tim?"

"I don't know Ang. I know I screwed up a lot and I know you were upset with me and I think you....I think you had an affair to spite me even if I didn't know about it. They call it a 'revenge fuck' but I think you may have stretched that out for a while. I have no proof, just a feeling, well persistent feelings that you had an affair."

She barked a harsh laugh, "No Tim I didn't have an affair or A REVENGE FUCK because you screwed up. I had four affairs and every time I went away for work I got laid every night except the last night before coming home to my loving screw-up of a husband. That's what I did. Now how much more do you want to know Tim?"

My knees were wobbly and I dropped into my chair at the table. My mug was shaking as it almost sat on the table. My hand was rattling it and I couldn't stop it.

"ANGELICA TO TIM, HELLOOO." I looked at her, snapped back by her nasty tone and words. "What else do you want to know Tim?"

I looked into her cold, hard eyes and asked, "Did you ever love me Ang?"

"YES I LOVED YOU & HATED YOU. And I still love you because as I got older I realized you were only screwing up because I never paid much attention to you. It was always the kids and work and dance and music. You were the bottom of the pile and I realized you had been hurting the whole time and unable to do a good job because I ignored you."

I had thought about leaving her many times but I couldn't leave the kids with her because she was always into so many things other than the family that the kids would have suffered if I left. So I stayed and tried my best under shitty circumstances forced on me by the woman I loved despite how she treated me. I looked at her and said, "Well, now that it's out in the open I just wanted to let you know I rented an apartment and I'll be gone over the weekend."

"You can't leave me Tim, you love me and you'll be unhappy without me and you know it."

"I've been unhappy for years and I finally think my life will get better without you in it....for the most part since we have the kids and grands tying us together. But I won't have to see you every day and know you HATED ME as well as loved me."

I heard from somewhere far away, "Tim....Tim wake up....Tim, please honey wake up, please."

I groaned, "Ang...stop shaking me I'm awake."

"You were mumbling in your sleep...you sounded so agitated. Did you have a bad dream?"

"I think so Ang but I'm not sure how much it was a dream or how much was a nightmare."

"Well, you were making so much noise that you woke me."

"What time is it?"

"About 2:30 now. I spent a couple minutes shaking you. I'm going back to sleep."

"I'm going to the kitchen for a while." The dream/nightmare had rattled me because it brought some of my deepest doubts to mind. Although Ang had never been as cold and hard as she'd appeared in my dream I had thought about leaving her a couple times before the kids left the nest. I'd be doing some deep thinking in the near future. AND I would decide if I wanted to confront her about the doubts that have plagued me for the last 20 years.