Beans

Now, I was curious.

"I know this is pretty personal, but is that a choice you made or have you always been that way?"

Julie frowned a little.

"Why do you want to know? You aren't one of those guys who think they can convert us, are you?"

I chuckled.

"No, I'm not one of those guys. Evidently I'm not that good. That's one of the reasons my wife left me. I just don't understand the whole thing very well, and being an engineer, things I don't understand bug the hell out of me."

Julie sipped her drink, then looked at me.

"I'd never tell most straight men this. They wouldn't even try to understand. You sound like you might though.

"I've known since I can remember thinking about girls and boys as something other than just other kids. When I learned about sex, my mother said I'd start wanting boys to touch me and if I did, we'd end up having sex and I'd end up pregnant. She said I shouldn't do that until I was married. I told her she didn't have to worry about that, but I couldn't tell her why.

"It was confusing at first. Once your hormones kicked in, you probably started looking at girls and wondering what they looked like under their clothes didn't you?"

I smiled and nodded.

"Well, I didn't have to wonder because we took showers together after PE class. It was a little weird at first, getting aroused by looking at the other girls. I didn't understand what was happening to me, and the worst part was I couldn't tell anybody. I did go out on a few dates my junior and senior year, but no matter how nice the guy was, I just couldn't see him ever being more than a friend. The guys who tried to touch me...that was just...ugh. It wasn't until I went to college and met another girl like me that I got comfortable with how I am. She got me to be understand that I'm not screwed up like I thought I was. I'm just different.

"Like I said, after I found out there were more women like me, I played around a lot. As long as I was young, partners were easy to find. Then I hit thirty-five and all those young hot girls started looking at me like I was some sort of child molester. Thankfully, I found Jackie and we've been together since. We do take a different woman home with us sometimes, but she's for both of us and we're both just for her.

"There are some women here who've been married and then decided it wasn't for them. A few even have kids. What I think is they just ignored their feelings because everybody told them women were supposed to get married and have kids. They just realized that wasn't them a little later than most of us."

I smiled at Julie then.

"You've about finished your drink. Can I buy you another for wasting your evening talking to me?"

Julie grinned.

"That's not a pickup line is it?"

"Oh hell no. I'm smart enough to know that wouldn't work anyway. I would like to meet Jackie some day though. How about if I buy you both a drink? She might think you're changing your mind if I just buy you one."

Julie walked back to her table carrying both drinks, and when she got there, said something to the other woman at the table. The pretty brunette looked up, and then waved at me, so I assumed that was Jackie.

After that first three months, I knew most of the regulars by sight if not by name, and I was still happy with the place. It was fun to just sit on my bar stool and watch the people.

I was doing that one Friday night when a different woman walked into Beans. I thought she was probably about my age because once she got close enough to the lights behind the bar, I could see the flash of some silver in her long, black hair. She wasn't gorgeous and she wasn't wearing clothes designed to attract, but she was a pretty woman with the figure of a woman who's passed the slender hips and perky breasts of a twenty-something and moved on to more sensuous curves. It was a little surprising that she walked straight to the bar and sat down on a stool. I'd seen a few women do that, but they'd stopped to talk to some of the others on the way. This woman looked intent on just getting to the bar.

Marilyn walked down and talked to her for a while and then mixed her some kind of drink that was blue. I went back to watching the people on the dance floor.

It was almost ten by then, and the drinks had been flowing since about eight. Before that, there weren't many people there so mostly they sat around and talked. Once the tables started filling up, it was like a family reunion and the drinks started going down faster.

What that caused was what I was watching. Julie and Jackie were dancing together, well, they were about half dancing and half doing what I figured they were going to do a lot more of when they left. There wasn't any overt sexual contact. I figured since most of the women who came to Beans were almost forty, they knew they didn't have to do more than hint at what they wanted. Those hints were pretty blatant sometimes though, like when the music ended and Jackie wrapped her arms around Julie and kissed her full on the mouth.

I looked down the bar then, and when the new woman saw me, she smiled, but it looked like a forced smile. I smiled back and was going to walk down and introduce myself, but Sarah, a woman I'd met two weeks earlier, walked up and started talking to the woman. A couple of minutes later, they went to the dance floor and started dancing together.

I knew Sarah didn't have a partner. She'd told me that Anna had been offered a job three states away with a high enough salary she couldn't turn it down. Sarah had thought about going with her, but her own job paid pretty well and she had a daughter who lived only about five miles from her.

It looked to me like Sarah might have found that new partner. As they danced, Sarah stroked the new woman's arm and the new woman smiled what looked like a genuine smile to me. When that song ended, they walked off the dance floor to Sarah's table together.

I didn't stick around to see if they left together. I'd had a whole day of meetings at work so I was mentally tired and the two beers I'd had were making me sleepy. After waving good-bye at Marilyn, I went home and went to bed.

I went back to Beans on Saturday night. On Friday, I'd asked Shelly if she had any music by Earl Hines. After she searched her laptop, she said she hadn't loaded it into her DJ software, the she knew she had a couple of his CDs upstairs. Shelly had promised to load up both CDs and have them ready for Saturday.

After Marilyn brought me my beer, I walked over to the DJ booth and asked Shelly if she'd found her CDs. She grinned and said, "Yeah, and I have three songs cued up. Some of his stuff would be hard to dance to, but these three should be good. They're "I Just Wanna Make Love To You", "I Feel So Smoochy", and "Easy To Love". She chuckled then.

"I'm gonna wait until about ten to play them so everybody's kind of in that mood anyway. It'll be fun watching what they do."

It was about nine when that same black-haired woman came through the door and walked up to the bar. Sarah wasn't with her, so I assumed they hadn't hit it off. She picked a bar stool and ordered the same blue drink from Marilyn, then turned around to watch the dance floor.

After ten minutes, no other woman had come up to talk with her so I picked up my beer and walked down the bar to say hello. She saw me get up and smiled when I stopped beside her and offered my hand.

"Hi ma'am. I saw you here last night and was going to introduce myself, but Sarah got to you first. I'm Warren Ames."

She grinned.

"You must not be having much luck if you decided to talk to me. I'm Denise Rhodes."

I smiled.

"Well, I'm not really looking to get lucky that way. I'm not gay like the other men here."

Denise raised her eyebrows.

"If you're not gay, why are you here? I'd think you'd be at one of the bars downtown."

I shook my head.

"No, I've played that game and the people are too young, I don't like the music they play and it's too loud anyway. Shelly plays jazz and I like jazz, and this place is pretty quiet considering how many people there are here. Are you waiting on Sarah?"

Denise sighed.

"No. She went to visit a friend, some woman named Anna."

"Ah...her old girlfriend."

Denise sipped her drink, then nodded.

"Yes, that's the one. I can understand though. I mean, the way Sarah talked about Anna, they must have loved each other a lot, just not enough for Sarah to move when Anna did. Must be nice to have somebody you love that much. Can't say as I've ever had the experience."

I said I knew the feeling, and Denise asked me how that was.

"I was married for eight years before I figured out she didn't love me as much as I thought I loved her. Turned out, I didn't love her that much either, not after she started sleeping around on me."

Denise frowned.

"I understand why you'd feel that way. Did she say why she did it?"

"Yeah. She said she missed the thrill of being able to seduce a guy into taking her to bed."

Denise chuckled.

"Never had that experience either, but I thought it was supposed to be easy -- just show the guy a little skin and whoopie, off to bed we go."

"She liked doing that, showing her skin, I mean, and I liked it. She was a sexy woman and when we went out, she always wore clothes that made her look that way. I thought she was doing it for me, but I guess she just liked to see other guys get turned on."

Denise finished her drink and then sighed.

"Well, I don't seem to be turning on anybody. Maybe I should show more skin."

I said from the talks I'd had with the women at Beans, they didn't really get turned on by skin as much as by the way a woman talked.

"Janice told me what attracts her to another woman is how she carries herself and if she seems like a person who'd be fun to be with. The sexual thing is there, of course, but it's not the most important thing. For a lot of men, the sex is first and foremost. For me, sex is just a very intimate way of two people telling each other how they feel about each other."

Denise smiled.

"That's what Sarah said too. I guess I wasn't the one though, or she wouldn't have gone to see her girlfriend. Speaking of going, I think I will. It's a little disheartening to sit here by myself when everybody else is having fun."

I offered to buy her another drink if she'd stay and talk for a while, but she politely said no.

"It's not that I don't like talking to you, but that's not really why I came here. I'll be back on Friday because Sarah will be back then. Maybe I'll see you then."

The next Friday, I had a burger for dinner and then drove to Beans at about eight. When I went in, I looked for Sarah and Denise, and found them sitting at a table by the dance floor. Denise looked up and waved, then went back to talking with Sarah. I got my beer from Marilyn and started people watching again.

There wasn't much different going on. I saw the same couples dancing together, the same couples sitting at tables, and the same women strolling around making conversation. Shelly had evidently seen me come in too, because a little later I heard "Unforgettable" by Dinah Washington flowing out of the speakers. I'd told Shelly that was one of my favorite songs, so she usually played it if I was there.

I was just sitting there listening to Dinah when Denise walked up and said, "Was she really that unforgettable".

I shook my head.

"No. I just like the song and the way Dinah Washington sings it. How goes it?"

Denise smiled a little.

"OK, I guess. Sarah says her girlfriend is going to move back because she didn't like her new job. That's good for her, not so good for me, but she helped me understand some things about who I am and what I want."

"Oh, and what would that be."

Denise frowned.

"If I tell you that, you'll start getting ideas about me I don't think I want you to be getting. You'll think I'm weird or something."

I shook my head.

"Denise, I judge people by how they act with me, not how they act with anybody else. Some people click and some don't. I think we do, at least as much as we can given our circumstances. I couldn't ever think you're weird, well, unless you told me you were into something that gets somebody hurt. I can't imagine you being that way though."

She shook her head.

"I'm not into that, but I'm not what you think I am either. I'm not really a woman who only likes other women. I just wanted to see how it would be after my husband said I must be a lesbian because I didn't like sex with him. I thought maybe that was true. Sarah helped me understand it isn't."

"You're married?"

"Was up until six months ago."

"So, you don't like girls after all?"

Denise grinned.

"I didn't say that. I said I wasn't a lesbian. Sarah was different and I liked the difference, but I'm not ready to give up on men...not just yet. See...I told you you'd think I was weird. I can see it in your face."

I smiled and shook my head.

"What you see in my face is just disbelief. Let me buy you that drink and I'll explain that. What is that drink called anyway? I don't know if I could drink something blue."

Once Marilyn sat Denise's "Blue Monday" on the bar and then walked away, I started trying to explain without it looking like I was coming on to Denise.

"It's just hard to believe a woman would come to Beans unless she was looking for another woman. It's like you said about me -- why else would you come here? I just figured you were looking for a new partner. I did like talking with you last week. I knew you were a little different because you seemed to sympathize with Sarah wanting to go see her old girlfriend. I can tell you that most of the women here wouldn't have been that way. They're good people, but they tend to get defensive if they think another woman is trying to take their partner."

Denise grinned.

"Like you probably did when your wife started sleeping with other men?"

"Well, yes, I suppose so, but that was before I figured out there was no way to save our marriage."

She sipped her drink and then smiled.

"I wasn't sleeping around on my husband, but he thought I was and for some reason, he thought it must have been with other women. That's why he said I must be a lesbian. I'd wondered about how it would feel, but I never said anything to him about that and I never did anything about it.

Once he divorced me, I decided I would find out, and I did... with Sarah. Like I said, it was different but I couldn't be jealous of Anna. I don't love Sarah. She was just a way to find out how it felt. Now that I know...well, I don't think I want to stop being with men, but I don't think I want to stop being with women either. That seems pretty selfish, I know, but Sarah told me there are other women here like me, so I don't feel bad about it."

I hadn't heard about any women at Beans who liked both men and women, so that was a bit of a shock.

"I guess I never thought about that. I mean, I know some of the women here have been married and some even have kids. I just thought they'd all given up on men."

Denise smiled.

"Well, they haven't, but if I were you, I wouldn't go asking any of them if they'd go home with you. That's not what this club is about and you'd make all the real lesbians mad at you. They say good things about you, did you know that?"

I said I figured they thought I was just weird, and she laughed.

"They don't think you're weird. They appreciate the fact you haven't judged them like most men would. They've heard it all before -- "I can cure you", "You just need the right man to show you the light", all that stuff men say to women when they find out they don't like men. My husband used to tell me that all the time when I didn't want to have sex with him."

"I'm glad they think that, I guess. I do have a question for you though, and it's not because I'm trying to get you to go home with me. It's because I don't know. How can a woman like both men and women? I read once that people are hard-wired at birth for which sex they prefer. A couple of the women I've talked with here say they were."

Denise shrugged.

"I suppose that's true for most women, but there are some of us who don't want to choose. I can only speak for myself, and my only experience has been with my husband and then Sarah, but it's different and the difference is something I like. Sometimes, I want to be submissive and let the man decide what we're doing. What I learned with Sarah is that sometimes I want to be an equal partner and not be submissive. My husband wouldn't ever let me do that.

"It's hard to explain, but with a man, it feels like I'm vulnerable and have to do what he wants. With Sarah, I didn't feel vulnerable. It just felt like two people trying to make each other feel really good."

Well, knowing Denise wasn't a confirmed lesbian gave me some other thoughts, but I didn't want to tell her what I was thinking. I did wonder if she thought she'd ever find a man who could understand what she was telling me.

"Do you think there are men who don't mind if their wife or girlfriend likes women too?"

Denise looked at me and grinned.

"I don't know. Would you?"

I hadn't expected that answer, so I had to think about that for a second or two. Even after I did that, I wasn't sure.

"I've never considered the possibility. I suppose it would depend upon how well I liked the other woman. If she was a nice woman and my wife or girlfriend didn't seem to favor her over me...I don't know. I think it would take some serious conversation between the three of us before I could make up my mind. If she and the other woman could convince me it wasn't like cheating, maybe."

Denise sipped her drink and then smiled.

"Well, maybe one of these days you'll get to find out. There are a few women here who'd like to help you find out."

I have to admit to being pretty stunned then. It was somewhat of a shock to learn that some of the women at Beans liked men too, but hearing that some would like that man to be me was pretty unbelievable.

"That's pretty hard to believe. I'm no movie star."

Denise frowned.

"Why is it all men either think they're God's gift to women or think they're not what a woman would want? Women don't have to have the most handsome guy in the room. They just want a guy who understands them and tries to make them feel secure and happy. That's why there are some women here who'd like to find out if you're that way. They think you would be."

Denise and I talked a little more before Virginia came up and asked her to dance. When the dance was over, they went to Virginia's table. I hung around for about another hour and then went home.

The next Friday night, I was sitting at the bar when Denise came in with Virginia. They walked up to the bar to get their drinks, and when Denise saw me, she waved and walked over to my seat. Virginia followed her, and once they were sitting beside me, Denise introduced Virginia.

I'd not met Virginia, though I'd seen her a few times. She was a brunette with shoulder length hair who would have caught my eye anywhere. She had that soft beauty of a mature woman -- the mature face that wasn't so much pretty as it was refined and sensuous -- and her body had the full, seductive curves that said she'd be just as sensuous naked.

I liked Virginia from the start. She wasn't shy when she shook my hand, and her smile was captivating. She was also obviously intelligent. She worked as a registered nurse in one of the local hospitals. When she and Denise walked back to a table, I was thinking that if she hadn't been a lesbian in a lesbian/gay bar, she'd have been spending the entire night telling guys she couldn't go home with them.

She and Denise spent the next couple hours dancing together or sitting at their table and talking. I know because I watched them the entire time. I know they saw me doing that because one time, I saw Virginia say something to Denise and then they both waved at me.