Becki’s Story

Becki's Story

My apologies for taking so long to get my next story published. Between several illnesses and other delays, I finally have this ready.

The characters in this story are flawed, just like you and me. Sometimes they make bad decisions as they struggle to live their lives. Sometimes they make life changing decisions, not always positive. All characters and situations are complete fiction, a product of my fertile imagination. Any similarity to actual people and situations is purely a coincidence. All constructive criticism is welcome.

_ _ _ _ _

Robert and I were married eleven years ago after two years of courting. Our son Ian is now six. For most of our thirteen years together I thought we had a storybook relationship, that we were living happily ever after. About three and a half years ago I started seeing flaws in that belief.

Rob and I have always been an outdoor couple. For our honeymoon we spent eight weeks driving around the wilds of Alaska, camping anywhere we could find an open spot to pitch our tent. One of my great joys was sharing our adventures together whether that was rafting through the Grand Canyon or hiking the Pacific Crest Trail from Mexico to Canada. I believe having shared experiences is a foundation to friendship and a romantic partnership.

About two years after Ian was born, Rob started going off on his own. We are both college professors and that year he decided to go to Jackson Hole during Spring Break for a week of skiing without me. He was oblivious to the fact that he left me alone with our child, that somehow his break was more important than mine. That summer he pulled a similar move -- hiking the Oregon Trail with two buddies and leaving me at home for two months. I was hurt and angry. I felt I was no longer his partner, but rather a servant to care for his offspring and home. This callous, exclusionary behavior has been an ongoing issue.

When I confronted him, he was always conciliatory. He'd say we'll do something together at the next opportunity, but the next opportunity was always about him and never about me. Our sex life, although never fabulous before this, evaporated into nothing. I was pretty sure that he was having an affair and I told him so. Rob pooh-poohed my concerns and told me I have nothing to worry about.

This past Christmas Break, Rob announced that he was going off skiing the day after the holiday. I lost it and started threatening him that he would lose Ian and me if he went through with it. I was tired of being his doormat. Rob just sat at the kitchen table with a shit-eating grin on his face which infuriated me even more. When I had exhausted both my fury and my voice, I sat down and glared at him.

He reached out and took my hand, "Becki, you need to know that you are one of my best friends."

"BEST FRIENDS! I'm your fucking wife!"

"Yes, but you aren't my lover."

The fury began to build again and Rob raised his hand, "I would have thought you would know this by now, but I'm gay."

Of all the things I expected, this was not one of them. I felt as though I had been punched in the gut. Here was a man that I was pretty sure was as straight a heterosexual as they get.

I gathered myself, "That's horseshit Rob and you know it. You've got a girlfriend."

"Correction -- boyfriends. I'm serious. I imagine you're thinking that if I'm gay, then how was I able to make love with you all those years." I nodded. "Well, I am a pretty good faker. I found out that the best way for me to get off was to think of you as a man."

I searched my brain to remember the last time he did something really hetero, like going down on me or sucking on my breasts. I couldn't. In fact, most of our sex has ended up with me on my hands and knees, doggy style. I'm not into anal, so that wasn't an option, but I could see him thinking like that.

Rob continued, "Becki, I don't want to break up our family. I want to be here with you and Ian."

"Then why are you running off with your buddies, excuse me - boyfriends all the time?"

"Because I need the sex. I need to get fucked. I need to fuck."

"Just not me."

"I'm sorry Beck, you're a beautiful woman, but you just don't do it for me. I need a cock in me. I need a tight male ass to fuck."

My head was swimming, "I need some time to think."

_ _ _ _ _

In the week after Rob dropped his bombshell on me, I struggled to keep from falling into a deep depression. I did convince Rob not to go on his vacation so we could rearrange our lives. He provided me with the contact information for his boyfriends and I checked it all out. Sure enough, Rob was telling me the truth.

Initially, I thought I wanted a divorce, but Rob convinced me that staying at least in the same house would be good for Ian. We also decided that all arrangements would be written down. We agreed that Rob would stay in the house, but not in our bedroom. He took over the guest room. We also established that neither one of us would bring any lovers back to the house. The idea was that it would be less confusing to Ian. That was easy for me since I didn't have anyone, but it annoyed Rob. Still he kept up his end of the bargain. We also arranged that we would alternate weekdays being responsible for Ian, which included dinner. I didn't know what I was going to do with my days, but I'd think of something. I was thinking that some dinner dates might be nice. Our final agreement was to have alternating weekends with Ian. That would change when Mother's Day or Father's Day came along, otherwise the pattern would continue. For longer vacations and holidays, we would negotiate those as the time came.

One thing that I made Rob take care of was explaining his sexuality to Ian. In turn he also had to explain why our family arrangement had changed. Call it cowardice on my part, but none of this was my doing. I wanted Rob to take full responsibility for what he had done to our family. Nevertheless, I resolved that I would not allow these changes to impact my motherhood role.

It was the first week in January and my Winter Break was slipping away. Ian was back in school. I decided I needed to get out. Not to date or anything, but just to be with other people. I was incredibly lonely and my depression was impacting my ability to do research. I couldn't focus for more than a couple of minutes at any one time. Thus one of my chief activities during breaks was severely disrupted.

I went out for coffee with one of my good friends from the college, Caitlyn Marsh. I couldn't bear to tell her about Rob so instead I just listened to her tell me about a guy she was seeing. She's a good friend, but not someone I could rely on every time. I got the feeling that I could only do something with her once a week or so.

The next day I had lunch with Rich Esposito, another colleague. The best way to describe Rich is that he is a pretty boy. He's in love with himself and thinks the rest of the world shares his view. He's always been nice enough, but I never realized how much of a narcissist he was. I wanted to open up to him, but I never got the chance to fit a word in edgewise.

The following Monday I met a guy that I found on a dating website. That date was an unqualified disaster. I didn't wear anything revealing, but he couldn't keep his eyes off my chest. It isn't like I am well-endowed. I'm very average in the boob category. Plus, the entire time he was hinting at sex after dinner. Luckily, I had met him at the restaurant and he didn't know where I lived. I thought he was creepy enough to follow me home so I took a circuitous route to ensure that didn't happen.

On Wednesday I had lunch with Alison Livingston, another colleague from the college. At first she wanted to know all about my life and so I opened up to her. Within minutes I realized that I had made a mistake. She became bored and changed the subject. My search for friendship was not going well.

By that Friday I was at the end of my rope. Depression had set in and it felt like there was a large weight pressing down on me. It seemed every time I reached out to make a friend, my effort was in vain. So, when in doubt, go to the one person who will never let you down. I called my Mom.

She knew something was wrong the moment I said, "Hi Mom." I explained the situation and she just listened. Twice I had to ask if she was still there. She assured me that she was taking it all in.

After a half hour of me talking punctuated with fits of sobbing, she said, "Sweetheart, you need to be having contact with people you trust. It has to be all about trust. Not for sex. Not for anything but trusted companionship. Don't go to any of those dating websites. Do you have anyone like that? A trusted friend?" I was thinking. "How about that nice man that came to the party you threw us when we were up before the pandemic?"

"Rich?"

"Wait. Is he the one with the perfect hair?"

"Yeah."

"Don't go anywhere near that guy. He's a self-absorbed asshole."

I chuckled, "Yes. I know. Do you mean Charles? Husky fellow with a beard."

"No."

I tried to think of who she meant.

"That gent that your father hit it off with. The Navy man."

"Sean?"

"Thinning reddish hair?"

"Yeah."

"Talk to Sean. The man thinks the world of you. I suspect he is in love with you."

"In love with me? I don't think so."

"Trust me honey. Mothers know these things. The way he looks at you, especially when you aren't looking. How respectful he is. How much attention he gives you. The way he talks just a little louder whenever you're near. He loves you very much. He's a very nice man and he'll treat you with respect. Plus I know you can trust him."

"Sean is all about respect. Thanks for the advice Mom."

Sean was an older professor at the college. Since I arrived eleven years ago he has been helping and mentoring me. Now that I thought about it I could see how my mother would be correct. Sean was always very attentive. He was really big on eye contact. I never could look away and I would get lost in those baby blues of his. We would go minutes at a time looking into each other's eyes while we had a conversation. Each time we locked eyes, my heart would race and usually moisture started to flow from my sex.

Now that I thought about it, he was always coming up with reasons to meet with me. Sometimes little things that could have been handled with a quick phone call or a short email ended up with an extended in-person visit. When I became the department chair we met for coffee every Friday morning and I would vent on him. He always listened and only provided advice when I asked for it. He wasn't one of these men who thought they had to fix everything. Once he had told me I have a standing invitation to his house or to do anything with him. I had never taken him up on it and I felt a little bad calling on him in my time of need. I knew he was big into cross country skiing and hiking. We had some great snow at the moment. Mom was right. He would be a good sounding board for my present situation. He could be a trusted friend.

Sean had a sad situation though. His wife Barbara was in a nursing home. About ten years ago she had come down with early onset Alzheimer's. The last time I had talked to Sean about her, he said she didn't remember anything including him. He had told me that it was really painful to go visit her, but he had to go. Here was someone who knew how to deal with depression plus someone who understood commitment. I called him up and we agreed to meet the next afternoon at the local state park which had many miles of cross-country ski trails. I didn't give him any details, but I hinted that I could use some company.

_ _ _ _ _

The jacket I wore wasn't skin-tight, but it didn't hide my figure either. I decided I would wear my tight winter ski pants. They showed off my butt and legs very nicely. I'm in pretty good shape, but my figure isn't jaw dropping. I thought Sean wouldn't mind seeing a shapely ass if I moved in front of him. I didn't mind giving him something to think about.

Sean was a former Naval Officer and was punctilious about being early for everything. For some reason I wanted to impress him and I didn't want to be late so I got there about five minutes before our agreed upon time. He was already standing beside the bed of his old pick-up truck. I pulled up next to him. We had received a couple of inches of powder overnight and the day was perfect. A clear blue winter's day with the sun knifing low through the trees.

As I got out he called over, "Hey Becki. Bring your skis over here and I'll wax them up for you."

I pulled them from my trunk, "How are you doing?"

"A better question is -- how are you doing?"

I felt my chin begin to quiver, "Can I give you a hug?"

He just held out his arms and I buried my face into his warm wool jacket. Even with all our layers of clothing, it was nice to be held by another person. I squeezed him tight and I realized I was shaking.

Sean is at least a foot taller than me. He stroked my hair and I felt him kiss the top of my head. He's got twenty years on me and he always joked how he could be my dad. Right now he was in full father mode. We stood there holding each other for several minutes.

He whispered, "For future reference, you never have to ask me for a hug. You have full hugging rights at all times."

That made me laugh and I eased off on the hug, "Thanks."

He grabbed my skis, "Let's put a little wax on these. Do you have a hat and gloves?"

"Yeah. Let me get the rest of my stuff."

When we were ready, we moved over to the head of the trail and snapped our skis in, then we were off. The trail was wide enough that we could move side-by-side. We skied for about five minutes in silence, disrupted with a fragment of small talk here and there. Sean knew something was up, but wasn't going to be pushy. Another reason he was the right man to be with right now.

I cleared my throat, "So you want to hear about my life?"

"I figured you would get to that. I'm all ears."

I told him what had happened. It took about ten minutes. By the end, tears were streaming down my face.

Sean said, "Thirty second break," and pulled up. "Let's take care of that?"

I stopped and looked at him.

He pulled a handkerchief out of his pocket, "Your cheeks are going to freeze. Don't worry. It's clean."

"I never had a doubt." I wiped my face and started to hand it back.

"Hold onto it. You can give it to me when we're done."

We started moving again. Sean asked, "So what are you going to do?"

"I haven't a clue. I thought I would be married to Rob forever. Here I am forty-one years old with a failed marriage."

"Becki, the failure isn't your fault. That rests firmly on Rob's shoulders. He should've been straight with you as soon as he figured out he was gay. Sounds like he's known it for a while."

"But..."

"No buts. If Rob is gay there isn't a damned thing you could do about it. You couldn't be prettier. By the way, you are a stunningly beautiful woman. You couldn't be a better lover. He isn't interested in you. There isn't a thing you could do to change this outcome."

We skied in silence for a couple of hundred yards. I thought about my mother's comment when Sean mentioned my beauty. This guy does care about me.

I asked, "With Barb the way she is, do you get depressed? Lonely?"

"All the time. Spending this afternoon with you is a blessing from heaven. Every time I go up to the nursing home I am reminded of the life that I had. Of the woman she used to be. It is heart wrenching. Every once in a while I'll go on a date. Before her mind was gone, Barb told me I needed to find a girlfriend to keep me company and for other things if you know what I mean. She insisted on it."

"Have you done that?"

"I've had a couple dates over the years. I was seeing Caitlyn for about six months. She's so much younger than me. She's good company, but we don't have a lot in common. I tried to find something we could share like books or movies, but it didn't work out. She's still my friend. Just not a lady friend."

I nodded my head, "She's only four years younger than me. Do you and I have a lot in common?"

"I think we have more than Caitlyn and I had. I guess we can see. For example, right now we both have a broken heart. For Caitlyn and me, I don't think the age difference was an issue. It was that our life experiences were completely different. It was hard for us to relate to each other. She's a wonderful person, but things didn't gel."

"Anyone else?"

We came to a fork in the trail and Sean pointed to the right. I skied ahead a little bit around the bend to show off my ass. I hoped he noticed.

Sean caught up, "I was seeing a lady my age from down in the city, but we ran into the city folk -- country folk thing. I'm just not into all the fancy shows, getting prettied up, and the restaurant scene.

"I dated a lady from church for a couple of weeks, but that got a little weird. I am by no means a God person. Yeah, I know -- I go to church, but hell, I'm not even sure I believe in God or anything else. I go to church for the fellowship and the good work we do in the community. Margaret was really into praying all the time. I don't pray. I don't see the point. I gently let her go."

"Sex was probably right out."

"I'm not one to kiss and tell, but you're right. No sex. Barely any hugging and kissing.

"Met a very nice lady from here in town who will remain nameless. Last summer, we were at that corner café on the sidewalk and she broke out a cigarette. Smoking's a deal breaker for me."

"How about someone to just keep you company?"

"Haven't really found someone."

"How about someone like me? I mean not to be intimate, but to be a friend. Plus I don't smoke and I'm not a Bible thumper."

Sean laughed, "My dear, I would love your company any time you are willing to be with me. I don't need a lot of advanced notice if you suddenly want to do something. As I've told you many times, you are always welcome at my house. You may drop in any time. If you want, I'll get you a key and it can be a refuge for you. I don't even have to be there. You can hang out anytime."

"Good, because I would really like to earn your friendship."

"You don't have to earn my friendship. You already have it."

"Thank you. You're a good, kind man. God knows you've done so much for me over the years. How often can I see you?"

"Every day if you want. I go up to see Barb on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday mornings. When school starts I'll be spoken for from eleven to five, Monday through Thursday. You can have all the rest of my time."

I thought for a bit, "I don't want to wear out my welcome, but that would be nice. Maybe in addition to exercising together, we could have coffee when you aren't going to see Barb. Maybe even share dinner together every once in a while."

Sean suddenly stopped skiing and I pulled up a stride or two ahead of him. He slid next to me. He seemed to be a little choked up, "Becki that would mean the world to me."

I sidestepped next to him and gave him another hug. I noticed the beautiful scenery and pulled out my phone. "I'd like to take a picture of us together. For some reason this feels like a momentous occasion."

_ _ _ _ _

The following Monday I met Sean for coffee at the locally owned shop. We started out by talking about our plans for the coming semester.

When the conversation flagged Sean asked, "So you and Rob have been married how long?"

"Eleven years."

"I have been trying to wrap my head around this. How did you not know that Rob was gay in eleven years of marriage?"

"I've been thinking a lot about that. I think I was willfully ignorant."

"What do you mean?"

"I think the signs were there all along, but I intentionally ignored them. I remember when we first started seeing each other, he was fascinated by my breasts. He didn't suck on them, but he would fondle them and watch how my nipples reacted. This is probably too much information."