Being Jim Ch. 08: Lightning Strikes

I don't think I was consciously aware of the act of driving that night. Oh, sure I went through the motions, made all the correct turns and exits and what not but I honestly don't remember much of the actual drive from point A, the parking lot at Tolly Ho's to point B, pulling into the driveway at the farm. No, my mind was lost in a sea of mixed emotions and turmoil. I was practically giddy with curiosity about this new wonderful and intriguing young lady I had just met... Kathie... with an eye ee. There was something about her that just gripped me in a visceral way. I felt like I already knew her somehow but at the same time I wanted to get to know more about her... everything about her.

On the other hand, I was beating myself up emotionally with feelings of guilt and remorse. Part of me deep down in my heart and very soul still longed for a girl that has been gone for two years... gone forever. Part of my heart died when she did. I thought my soul was buried along with her body the day they laid her to rest. Of course, I would always love her... but could I actually love another? Honestly, it scared me, the possibility of opening myself up to another so completely and totally once more... only to have it all ripped away again.

Oh, I've had a few "girl friends" mostly recently, maybe over the past six months or so. But that's all they really were... friends that were girls. There were a few dalliances, even a couple of times things got physical to the point of sex. But none could break through that barrier into my heart, but then none really tried either I think. For them it was just fun and games. I on the other hand beat myself up after each time thinking somehow that I had cheated. How do you cheat on a ghost though... or a memory? So here I was again in turmoil, but this felt different. I was going to have to do some serious soul searching I thought.

The following day I found myself thinking more and more about this unsettling situation. The reasoning part of my brain clearly understands the past is the past and anything else is just holding on to memories. The heart however wants what the heart wants, even if it's impossible and as confusing as it is the heart also yearns for or at least is open to... more. Why is it that my mind suddenly stops working and my heart flips and skips a beat whenever I'm in the presence of this new girl Kathie?

I was lost deep in thought and speculation when the TA for my English Comp class dismissed us at the end of the class. I was startled to realize that I had pretty much missed the whole class as I was so lost in thought. I gathered my notebook and pen and my book bag as well as my thoughts and made my way out of the classroom and the building to find that it had begun raining. Wonderful... and me with no umbrella today. I tried to stay under the numerous trees between the White Hall classroom building and the bus stop in front of the Chem Physics building. The rainy-day kind of fit my mood though I suppose, cloudy, dreary and wet.

I kept my head down pretty much barely aware of the ground in front of my feet until I made it to the bus stop that would allow me to catch a shuttle bus ride to the stadium where my truck was parked. Of course, the bus stop shelter was packed with others avoiding the rain and waiting on the shuttles as well. So, I simply leaned against the outside frame and waited.

Eventually one of the regular shuttle buses came around and I was soon getting off the bus at the stadium parking lot. I trudged to my truck and tossed my book bag in the cab and grabbed the towel I kept behind the seat for just this kind of day. This wasn't the first time I've been caught out in the rain. I had to grin when memories ran through my mind of several times getting soaked and having to change clothes or at least dry off when I was working with some tutors and with a very special fellow student... The lump in my throat and the tug at my heart signaled my brain that this was not a good time to remember such things. Taking a deep breath, I shook my head to clear those thoughts away and started up my truck and headed off to work at Dom's.

Tonight, I was working at the store location that I had originally started working at several years ago. Over the past few years, I had become something of an old hand with Dom's. As such I often worked at any of the many locations around town and even ones in the surrounding towns as well. I was a bit of a veteran after all. I could both make deliveries and help out inside by making the pizzas and tending the ovens when called upon to do so. I knew all the managers and most of the trainees or assistant managers and they knew me.

Several times it had been suggested to me to consider maybe going into management myself. Of course, I halfway considered it but at this point in time I didn't feel like it was the thing for me to do. I was still in school after all and that was enough for my brain to handle for now... as dim as my hopes seemed at the present, I still thought an education was in order. I still had to pay for my insurance and gas and upkeep of my vehicle to get to and from home to school and of course for work however so work I must. Besides, I had a lot of friends and a few who could more correctly be claimed as family working with Dom's.

As I pulled up to the shop that afternoon, despite the patter of the rain on the cab of my pickup and the squeaking of my windshield wipers trying to keep up I had to smile when I saw a familiar car in the parking lot. Jules was here tonight, I guess that she's still working right up until she leaves for her Schooling for the EPA in another week or so.

I smiled and swallowed a lump in my throat as a momentary emotional tug twisted inside of me again. Jules was an aggravating individual at times a brazen in your face decidedly died in the wool lesbian... if a little on the butch side of the coin so to speak. She could in fact pass as a guy from twenty, hell even ten feet away if you saw her from behind or roughly in profile. Her hair was always cut short more like a guy's and if not in uniform for Dom's then she would still have a ball cap of some kind on her head of thin reddish blond hair. She was thin but more wiry than skinny, and lanky. She was probably one of my closest and dearest friends.

Hell, I thought of her as more of an older sister really. Jules had been my original trainer when I was hired on at Dom's years ago. She not only showed me the ropes on the job, but we developed a friendship that would mean more to me than most anything else in my life prior to meeting her. It was partly Jules that got me accepted behind the wall... an imaginary barrier or front developed by those of the alternative lifestyles (being gay). Most of the women working for Dom's for years and years were of that decidedly feminine persuasion that... well... preferred the company of other women. Of course, that is frowned upon by the general public and in an industry that relies heavily upon public opinion it was necessary to keep things under wraps so to speak... or behind the wall.

I have always been something of a people watcher, and an acute observer in some instances really. So, I had soon noticed that there were differences between most of the girls I had known before working for Dom's and the ones I worked with. Little turns of phrases, certain innuendo, perhaps body language. I would see the differences in how the ladies spoke with each other and how they spoke to strangers or customers, even other employees who were oblivious to some things.

The ladies were all guarded around me, at first, but when it became clear that I didn't care one way or the other about their preferences or that I would not harass, belittle or put them down in any way about it. I became "Ok" in their minds. They opened up around me and I was well... accepted behind the wall. I might call it the sisterhood but there were a few guys that marched to the beat of a different drum as well. But even though I was straight, if awkwardly shy, I was okay.

That's not to say that I didn't get harassed a bit, if you can call it harassment... more like aggravation. Jules learned early on that I was easily embarrassed, and she could get me to blush with hardly any effort at all. Oh, she loved that for some reason, she teased me mercilessly whenever she could, and so did most of the other girls as well. It was all in good fun though, nothing mean or cruel. In fact, it was this tolerance and my good nature that got me introduced to two ladies that would be very influential and become very special to me. It was through them that I also reconnected to a girl I had known in high school... the first high school I had attended here in town, before my family moved to another county that is. Yes, Jules was a big part of some of the best times in my young life, and as such I loved her dearly, if only as one would an aggravating older sister anyway.

As I walked into the shop and headed towards the back to get changed into my Dom's uniform (a company logo shirt and a ball cap) I saw Jules on the make line making pizzas. She looked up and grinned when she saw me, that trademark smirk of hers but her eyes were alight with happiness at seeing me.

"Hey buddy! It's about time you got here. Hurry up and get changed and come give me a hand. This rain has dinner rush starting early tonight." She said as she pulled the order slip down and handed off the pizza she had been making to the oven tender and began spreading sauce on the next pie in line.

"Okay Jules, give me a few seconds. I gotta dry off a little too." I said as I walked on to the back room to grab one of the towels we kept hanging on a coat rack for rainy nights. I dried off and then pulled my tee shirt off to swap it for my uniform shirt. After tucking it into my jeans and putting on my hat I went to the bathroom for one, the obvious, and two to wash my hands and arms so that I could work the make line handling food.

In the few minutes that I took to dry off and change and wash up the controlled chaos that is dinner rush at a delivery pizza place like Dom's went from ordinary to extra ordinary. When I came around the corner from the back and up to the make line there was a curtain of pink order slips hanging waiting to be made. Jules was in the thick of it, elbow to elbow with the store manager and one other driver who was helping out. They all looked as if they were tiring already. The assistant manager was tending the ovens and looked like she was just as frazzled as the rest.

Seeing several orders already finished and boxed up and ready to go to be delivered I replaced the driver on the make line and began scraping out dough and stretching and slapping them out for pizzas. I'd ready the dough, place it on a pizza screen and pass it down the line to Jules. Much like a production line, everyone having their part in the process. Jules would sauce the pies and hit them with the cheese then pass it to the manager who would put on the toppings for that particular order, she in turn would then pass it to the assistant manager who was tending the ovens. The pizza would then go into an available spot in one of the three ovens to begin cooking. It is a beautiful thing when all is working well, and everyone has some skill and experience... and keeps their cool.

Tonight, the four of us on the make line were old hands and had worked together for a long time so it was smooth... even if somewhat hectic. It seemed as fast as we could crank out a pizza and pull the order slip from the make line another one or sometimes two or three would be hung to replace them. Eventually the orders coming in began to slow down and the pizzas waiting to be delivered would start stacking up. That's when I and even Jules would leave the make line and start delivering the orders. Great... back out into the rain and wet.

After a dozen or so delivery runs, things had begun to slow down to the point that the number of delivery drivers needed to keep up with the orders was significantly less. The manager left the assistant in charge up front and began checking out and sending home drivers who weren't closing that night. Of course, I was scheduled to close that night and I found out much to my delight that so was Jules, kind of like old times I thought. We soon fell into old habits and began pre-closing cleaning that we had down to a science. So too did our behavior, the cutting up and carrying on, the banter, the teasing and what not. Jules was in rare form tonight. And I loved it.

I was pulling the pans out of the make line to take to the back to the sink to be washed when Jules elbowed up next to me... to help out.

"So how are classes this year? Anything interesting?" Jules asked.

"English Comp is okay. I'm finding out I learned a bit more in my high school English class than I thought I had." I said laughing. "Computer science is interesting." I added.

"That's a lot like typing, isn't it?" Jules asked jokingly then tensed up suddenly and hung her head slightly but didn't turn to face me. "Sorry Jimbo..." She added in a soft voice before taking the first load of pans to the sink in the back. I stood there hanging my head for a moment or two longer swallowing a lump in my throat before shaking my head and pulling myself back to the moment. I gathered an armload of pans and followed her to the sink. After putting the pans in the soap side of the three-compartment sink Jules and I looked at one another and with an unspoken agreement we played Rock, Paper, Scissors to see who would do dishes and who would sweep and mop. I won... or lost depending on how you look at it... I was doing dishes tonight. With a smirk Jules slipped past me to grab the broom and headed up front again, while I started running hot water in the sink.

I was about halfway finished with the washing when Jules came back to fill the mop bucket. She paused at the corner at the far end of the sink with the mop in the bucket and her hands wrapped around the mop handle and forming a shelf to rest her chin on. She studied me for a moment as I was rinsing another pan.

"So, tell me farm boy... are you dating anyone these days?" Jules asked with a serious look on her face. One that told me that yeah, she knew about the torch I still carried and that she understood but that she also wanted me to be happy because she cared about me.

"Not really..." I began but once again the close familiarity with this girl was my undoing, I blushed, and she read me like a book. Jules' eyebrows shot up and she turned her head ever so slightly as that trademark smirk began to spread on her face.

"Ahhh... I detect a "but" there Jimbo... come on... spill it!" She said in that annoyingly teasing voice that I knew all too well. The tone that told me that she was going to pry until I gave in and told her all she wanted to know. I paused, both hands in the soapy water and hung my head in resignation.

"It's not like that, Jules. I mean we've not even been on a date really. I only met her three days ago." I told her in a quiet voice.

"Does this girl have a name?" Jules pushed a bit more.

"Yeah... It's Kathie... with an eye ee." I said with a bit of a shy grin.

"Is she in one of your classes? How did you meet her?" Jules asked shifting from one foot to the other now that her interest was piqued.

"No, she's not in any of my classes. I think she's a year ahead of me in school actually." I said as I resumed washing pans. Jules wasn't ready to let it go just yet though.

"So how did you meet her then?" She asked. So, I told her about seeing Kathie's legs sticking out from under her car's hood and my stopping to see if I could help. I replayed the whole story right up to my getting back in my truck to drive home. When I looked up again Jules and the assistant manager were both sitting at the desk listening to me with smiles on their faces. Of course, I blushed and rolled my eyes and tried to go on and finish the dishes.

"Yep, that's my Jimbo... You just can't help yourself sometimes can you bud?" Jules said with a smile as she got back up and rolled the mop bucket up front to finish up her part of the closing.

When I was finished with the dishes and had drained and rinsed the sink I went in the back room and changed out of my uniform shirt and back into my street clothes. When Jules rolled the mop bucket back into the back room, I helped her dump it out in the mop sink and rinse the bucket and the mop out.

"So, did you ask for this Kathie's phone number?" Jules asked with her trademark smirk, giving me that one raised eyebrow questioning look of hers.

"Actually, she gave it to me without my asking, the next night." I said and then realized I was going to have to explain that too. I dropped my head and sighed already knowing the questions were coming.

"Oh hoh hoh! The next night? So, you've seen her two nights in a row? Come on... out with it!" Jules said with a grin as she tugged her own uniform shirt up over her head and then followed with her sports bra. Of course, I looked. I looked even knowing that Jules had no interest in guys and could care less if I saw her breasts... or lack thereof... This wasn't the first time after all that I've seen Jules in the buff. Hell, I've even gone down on her before... but that's a different story. No Jules just briefly massaged her nipples and their massive piercings a moment before pulling her tee shirt on I guess the sports bra kind of keeps everything pressed flat and maybe makes her nipples a little sore or tender anyway. I just shook my head and went on to tell her more about Kathie.

"As it turns out Kathie is also on the computer at the university using a program called "Phone". Multiple people can be on at the same time and they can talk. Well... type... in real time and others can see it and respond. Some of us from the computer get together from time to time to get a bite to eat. Kathie joined us last night. It was the first time I really got to talk to her much. When we were leaving, she wrote down her phone number and gave it to me, in case I might like to call her sometime." I said as we walked to the front door where the assistant manager was waiting to lock up.

"So, are you going to call her?" Jules asked quietly, this time with that serious face again and a look of concern in her eyes... hopeful perhaps, but still concerned.

"I might, I still feel kind of... well... you know. But she seems nice and... I don't know Jules... there's just something about her. I really can't define it." I said and looked down at the ground and shoved my hands into my jeans pockets. I felt Jules's arm go around my shoulder and she turned me to walk to our vehicles. After a few steps she cleared her throat and spoke softly.

"It's okay Jim. There's nothing to feel guilty about. You will always love her... but you can love another..." She said and stopped walking when we had arrived at my truck. Jules turned me to face her and crossed her arms on her chest and leaned back against her car's driver side door.

"Let me ask you a question bud... and think about it, you don't even have to answer me now or ever really... just... think about it." She said making sure to wait until I had raised my face and looked into her eyes.

"What?" I asked gruffly with a voice suddenly full of gravel.

"If it had been different... If it had been YOU that had been in that wreck and had... died... Would you want Michelle to lock herself away and to never experience love and happiness again even with someone else?" Jules asked in a firm no nonsense tone of voice.

"Jules! I... that's not fa..." I began to protest but I was cut off.

"Nuh... Uh Uh! Don't answer me with a question. I didn't want an answer at all. I told you to just think about it and I meant it." Jules declared in a stern voice that was not going to stand for any objections. Damn it! I wanted to scream and rant and rave... but I just couldn't. I could see the look in her eyes, and I knew that this was from the heart... from HER heart. She was making a point and no matter how I wanted to ignore the question I knew I would have to seriously think about it. Damn it!