Being Jim Ch. 08: Lightning Strikes

"Isn't that a good thing?" Kathie asked softly sensing the emotional mine field that she had entered when she pressed me for more information. I smiled sadly and glanced up at her face seeing open curiosity and... understanding in those smoky grey-brown eyes.

"It was the most wonderful thing I've ever known." I admitted and shrugged.

"Did she feel the same way?" Kathie again pressed with the question in a soft hesitant voice.

"Yes, she did..." I said so softly that Kathie actually leaned forward a bit more to listen. Now her face was losing focus as well, and I felt something warm running down my cheek.

"Jim, I'm almost afraid to ask but... I have to know. What happened to this girl, what happened to the two of you?" Kathie asked and reached across the table to take my right hand in her left. The touch of her hand on mine sent an electric jolt through my arm and I looked up to see compassion in her eyes.

"She..." I choked and swallowed again. "She died... She and one of our teachers were in a car wreck. They were hit by a drunk driver. Michelle..." I gasped and swallowed again before going on. "Michelle was killed instantly. Our... Our teacher was badly injured but survived long enough to be taken to a hospital. I actually got to see her just before she died as well." As I said that I shoved my plate aside putting my elbows on the tabletop and burying my face in my hands. I could feel Kathie's right hand gently stroking my right forearm as she spoke.

"Oh Jim... I'm so sorry. I had no idea... I shouldn't have asked." She said apologetically.

I took a long deep breath and sat back against the backrest of the seat and took my napkin and wiped my face. I shook my head at her and then took another deep breath before trying to speak again.

"No Kathie, it's okay, you did nothing wrong. You would have to have found out at some point if you were going to be around me for any amount of time." I said apologetically myself. To my surprise, when I looked up to Kathie's face once more, I could see her eyes were brimming with tears as well. Oh my god... Could she feel my pain? Or was there something else that caused her own tears?

"I can tell you loved her very much... You still love her, don't you?" She asked although it sounded more like a statement really.

"Yes... to both questions. I think I always will... But..." I began but trailed off again looking for the words.

"But?" Kathie prompted me softly. I looked again into her grey- brown eyes and smiled a little sheepishly, a little sadly.

"But just the other night a dear friend of mine put a question to me that went through my heart and I've been thinking for the past couple of days that I really have been selfish..." I began.

"How do you mean... Selfish?" She asked a little confused.

"She asked me, that if it had been the other way around, if I had been... if I had died... Would I want Michelle to feel pain and sorrow whenever she thought about me? I had never thought about it that way before. She also asked if it had happened that way would I want her to go on to find love again, with someone else." I stated and tilted my head back to look at the ceiling as if there might be some answer waiting there.

"This friend of yours sounds like a very wise person... and someone who cares very deeply for you." Kathie stated matter-of-factly but with a soft understanding voice.

"Yes, she is, and yes... she does." I agreed with a bit of wry grin on my face.

"Do you feel the same for her?" Kathie asked, again hesitantly. I got the distinct impression that perhaps she thought that it was someone else maybe vying for my attentions, and emotions. I had to snort somewhat amused at that thought. Then I knew I would have to explain my reaction to her question as well.

"I love her dearly, Jules... her name. But it's not like that. She's more like... an older sister maybe." I almost giggled and went on with a sheepish grin. "She and I have a lot in common." I said.

"I... I don't understand." Kathie began a little puzzled expression crossing her face.

"We kind of have similar... uh... interests from time to time." I amended, but I knew that it was still not clear what I meant. I took a deep breath and looked around before I caught myself doing it and blushed slightly. I looked into Kathie's eyes and tried to determine just how open minded she might be. Again, I was struck by some... something. I just knew that she would be understanding and yes, open minded.

"Jules doesn't like guys. She likes..." I paused again wondering if I should go so far as to betray the trust. I needn't have worried however because once again Kathie showed me that she was... Knowing without knowing.

"Jules would like me... or other girls..." Kathie stated nodding her head. "Still though, she seems very wise and she obviously cares very deeply for you... even if she's not interested in other things."

I reached for my glass of soda and took a long couple of drinks and nodded my head in agreement. Kathie smiled softly and picked a fry off of her plate and nibbled on it. When she glanced at my plate that I had pushed aside then back at me I again grinned sheepishly and pulled my plate back in front of me and took a fry for myself and took a bite.

"Well now I know why you've not dated in two years... I'm sorry Jim." Kathie said with a sad smile. I nodded, and then shrugged.

"Nothing to be sorry for, you couldn't have known unless you asked." I said quietly still a little choked up, then added. "Not many have even asked." My head down and my eyes on my plate as I toyed with the fries that were starting to get cold. "I used to be a curious sort myself... before..." I grimaced but continued on. "I was told that I was very observant of others, I still am I guess in a way. I just haven't had much motivation for a while though." I said as I watched Kathie take the top bun off of her sandwich and pluck a pickle chip and brought it to her mouth. As she chewed it, she tilted her head to her left shoulder and gave me a bit of a quizzical look.

"A curious sort huh? How come you haven't asked me why I've not dated in three years?" She asked and her eyes scrunched almost closed as her brow knitted. She reached for the second pickle chip on top of her fish sandwich.

"I said I was curious. I didn't say I pried into personal business." I said with a shrug. Kathie froze for a second and gave me a look I couldn't decipher.

"I guess it was kind of personal... what I asked you. But I did say I was sorry, and I meant it. So, it's only fair if you wanted to ask something personal of me..." She said suddenly finding her plate very interesting. I was feeling off balance, or at least differently than I had felt in a long time. Of late I would have simply shut up and minded my own business but there was something about this girl that... well... changed me. I did want to know more, and her words were an open invitation if ever there was one.

"I know it's none of my business, and you really don't have to tell me anything at all, but I am curious. I mean it's not because you are some hideous creature or something... any guy in his right mind would be interested in you for your looks alone. I would have to guess that there was some other reason why you haven't dated in years. I... I hope it wasn't because of something like... what I experienced." I finished lamely.

"Well, no, not exactly anyway. And... did you just compliment me on my looks?" Kathie said and smiled shyly. Oh my god, she is actually blushing a bit too.

"Just an honest observation." I stated.

"Uh huh..." Kathie grunted. "Well, my life is... has been kind of... unsettled for a few years." She began, again finding her plate extremely interesting as she toyed with her now cold fries.

"Kathie, you don't have to tell me if it bothers you." I said softly giving her a sad understanding smile and an out if she needed it.

"No. No it's okay... It's just a little complicated and I'm not sure where to start. Besides..." She said looking up into my eyes before finishing. "You trusted me with something very very personal of your own. Not many guys would share something so painful and personal... with someone who's practically a stranger. So, thank you... for that." She said in sincere voice.

"I don't know why I did it, really... I just get a... feeling about you. You said it yourself, it's like I know you, but I don't. I don't know why." I said honestly and nodded slowly. "Why don't you start at the beginning then." I offered. Kathie nodded and sat back against the seat and let her hands fall to her lap. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes for a moment, before opening them and looking at the tabletop. I had the impression that it was not the table she was seeing though.

"Four years ago, I was a freshman in college, not here, in Ohio. I was on top of the world. I was going steady with my boyfriend from high school, I had new friends, my classes were great... Life was wonderful. Then things stated falling apart. My mom and dad had... my dad had an affair and mom found out. They separated, dad left, and it was just me and mom and my older brother. Mom was working for the college I was attending, and I guess dad was still paying some of the bills. We were doing okay I guess but mom was so sad. I started spending a lot of time at home with her and not seeing my friends. My boyfriend couldn't deal with it and he broke it off." She said with a sigh then glanced up at me briefly and shrugged before continuing.

"One day my mom fell at work and they rushed her to the hospital because she was having seizures. They ran tests and still couldn't figure out why she had had the seizures. That was the beginning, we just didn't know it then. Mom got better and since no one could find anything wrong they sent her home, and she went back to work the next day.

I started noticing little things though, around the house when I spent time with mom. She had dizzy spells and sometimes her hands would shake almost as if she were shivering from the cold. She forgot things sometimes too, like while she was cooking dinner, she'd get distracted or something and... well... it was getting to be more and more noticeable. I was starting to worry about her." Kathie said as she stared at the table... or wherever it was in her past that she was remembering.

Kathie went on to tell me how her mom and dad got back together for a while, but they soon separated again. Later that same year they ended up filing for divorce. The professor that Kathie's mom worked for got a job offer here in Kentucky at the University and accepted it. After he moved to Kentucky, he contacted Kathie's mom and offered her a job here as well.

She sold the house and moved here to begin a new life. Kathie transferred schools as well after sitting out a year. Her mom had settled in and was doing well until she had another spell and a fall at work again. More tests and more tests and then the awful truth was revealed. Kathie's mom was diagnosed to have ALS.

She had to go on to explain what that was to me as I had never heard of it before. It is more commonly known as Lou Gehrig's Disease. Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis... It is a degeneration of neurons, nerve cells that control muscle movement and coordination. It causes weakness and is gradually crippling. Worse yet is the cognitive decline of the person suffering from the disease. If the muscle weakness and degeneration doesn't kill them first the dementia that develops renders them to a vegetative state. There is no cure for the disease and very few treatments that only slow the progression but can't stop it entirely.

Kathie's eyes welled up and tears flowed down her cheeks as she told me about her mom becoming more or less bedridden and a prisoner in her own body. At least her mental faculties had not slipped too far yet, but it was inevitable. Her mom had taken early retirement from the university and now was tended to by a live-in nurse as well as Kathie and her mother's only surviving sister who had moved in with them as well. The only reason she was able to attend classes was because of the help she now had taking care of her mom.

As she talked, I felt myself drawing closer to her than I ever thought possible. Maybe it's true that misery does love company, or that old saying that birds of the feather flock together... I don't know, but I knew that we had a deeper connection than either of us could explain. We both GOT the other, we could identify with loss and struggle to have any hope at all. Some inner impulse drove me to reach out across the table and take Kathie's hands in my own and just hold them gently but firmly in a silent show of support and understanding. When I did, she looked up into my eyes and without saying a word I knew that she was touched and thankful at the same time.

"I won't say that I understand everything you're going through Kathie, but if you ever need someone to talk to, someone to listen... I'm available." I said in something closer to a whisper it was so soft and quiet, but the sincerity was unmistakable. Kathie blinked repeatedly and sniffed trying to clear her eyes withdrawing one hand from mine so that she could dab at her eyes with her napkin.

"Aside from my academic counselor you're the only person I've told this to. I don't even know why I did just now... really. I just get this feeling about you, like you get it somehow. I'm sorry if I dumped on you though. I understand now that you have your own... burdens." She sputtered as she wiped her eyes and blew her nose trying to clear the tears and emotional overload that comes with baring your soul. Our waitress stopped by the table about that time to see if we were doing okay, obviously seeing the two plates now cold and hardly touched at all but sensing perhaps the emotional charge. I smiled at her and asked if we could get a couple of drinks to go which she said she would go get for us and bring back our ticket.

"Kathie, I know you hardly know me, but could I ask you for a favor?" I asked a little bashfully. Kathie looked at me slightly puzzled but nodded before speaking.

"Well, you haven't bolted after my big revelation so I guess I could... What is it?" She asked.

"There's a place I like to go to sit and think sometimes... I would like to take you there and see if it might help you too. I promise that I will mind my manners and not do anything creepy." I told her.

"I couldn't do that Jim. If you remember, you rode in my car to get here. Of course, I could drive you to wherever this place is if you like." She said with a sheepish grin of her own still sniffling a little. I nodded and grinned a matching sheepish grin in return.

When our waitress returned with our drinks to go, I took the bill with us to the register and paid it making sure to leave a tip for the waitress as well. Kathie started to object but I just shrugged it off and smiled. We walked to her car and she tossed me the keys and said that since I was the one taking her to this place maybe I should drive. I couldn't fault her logic, so I opened the passenger side door for her then went around and got in the driver seat.

The big old Ford drove like a riding on a cloud compared to my old pickup truck. I turned right out of the parking lot of Jerry's and headed south down the road to the circle four freeway that circled the city. I got on the belt line and went around to Richmond Road and headed out of town.

I pulled into Jacobson Park. The city park was the biggest in town and spread out like a small farm with acres and acres of rolling hills, open fields, some wooded areas and best of all a large reservoir or lake. The access road went all the way around the park, so I drove to the far eastern side of the lake and parked near one of the picnic shelters.

This time of day, now heading towards sunset, it was not being used. There were a few diehards parked in lawn chairs along the edge of the lake fishing. The rain earlier had stopped, and the clouds were breaking up as the weather moved further east. The Sun was settling lower towards the horizon in the west and the light playing across the lake was almost awe inspiring. Kathie and I got out of the car and walked to a picnic table a few yards from the edge of the lake and sat down to watch the slow progression of the sunset. We were initially mobbed by the resident flock of ducks but when the decided that we were not offering any handouts to eat they waddled off en-mass back to the waterline and resumed foraging.

Sitting side by side on the picnic table bench we silently took in the view as we both contemplated our own thoughts for a while. We did talk some more, however. We talked about our classes and our plans however tentative they might be for the future. Honestly, her plans were far more detailed than my own as I had pretty much lost my drive for a long time... I did well to go from day to day most weeks let alone making long range plans for my future.

Kathie told me how she had always wanted to be a teacher, to work with kids. I told her how I had once upon a time thought I might be a pilot or perhaps an engineer designing or working on aircraft somehow. But then I also liked to write and even draw a little from time to time. This fascinated her and she asked if I had anything I could share with her. I told her I would sometime in the future.

Kathie wanted to know about my life on the farm, and my family. She even asked me about Michelle. At first it was difficult to talk about her with Kathie, but I soon found myself reliving wonderful times and adventures we had had. I told her a little about our teachers...our tutors but I didn't go into much detail at that time. That was far too much information at this point and I still felt the need to maintain my promise to the ladies that I loved so dearly.

Kathie was fascinated with my stories about working for Dom's and the friends I had made there as well. She told me that she'd love to meet Jules sometime. It seemed like only minutes had passed but the sun had indeed settled onto the horizon and was kissing the lake as it vanished for the day. I was about to suggest that we head back to the stadium so that she could drop me off at my truck when I felt a warm hand slide into mine as we still sat side by side on that picnic bench. I looked down at her hand in mine and then up into a face with a warm soft smile and eyes that glittered in the sunset.

"Jim... Thank you for bringing me here. Thank you for sitting with me and talking. I really needed this, more than you can ever even imagine." Kathie said softly, her smile never faltering.

"I... I think I needed it too... but you're welcome. I should be thanking you for listening to me... I think I've talked more in the last couple of hours than I have to anyone in months... or even longer." I said with a sad smile of my own. Kathie looked at me and tilted her head to one shoulder.

"Well back at the restaurant you told me that if I ever needed someone to talk to you would be available... I'd like to tell you that the same applies to you Jim. I may not have the answers either, but I get it and I will be happy to listen or talk or both with you anytime as well. You still have my number, don't you?" She ended with the question. I nodded and smiled. "Good. So, don't be afraid to use it. My aunt or my mom might answer but they'll leave a message for me if I'm not home or can't come to the phone." She said.

"I could give you my folks phone number on the farm but I'm hardly ever there so it wouldn't do you much good I'm afraid. It'd be easier to leave a message for me at Dom's, I'm usually there or at one of the other stores on any given night. When I'm not working, I'm usually on campus either in the library or on the computer somewhere on campus." I said feeling kind of foolish now that I thought about it.