Beneath the Watchful Ginkgoes

She smelled amazing. My knees went weak, and I gasped something soft and wordless into her sculpted throat as I tried to catch my breath.

"Hi you," she babbled, over a change in the music. "I... was starting to get scared that you'd..."

"I promised!" I answered, desperate she not doubt me. "I promised you I'd be here. Of course I'd be here! Sorry, the buses were just being stupid!"

Ursula breezed by and put a glass of wine in my unresisting hand with a smile. "Happy birthday - again," I added.

Astrid managed a grin, then reached out to take my arm with hers. "Thank you for coming," she said into my ear. "I... like having you here with me. God, Becca, you look divine. That dress. Wow. You totally have the legs for it."

I felt myself blushing hot, and cast around for something to deflect with.

"So do you! That blue is perfect on you. You're beautiful, Astrid. God, it's so nice to see you happy..."

She smiled at me, pleased as punch.

"You're always so sweet," she said. "I don't know what I'd do without you. Mope lots, I think. You're my anti-mope fairy," she added, laughing. "You make everything better."

"Mm. Remember that when I'm drunk and misbehaving," I said, dizzied by her warm praise.

She leaned in close enough that her lips brushed my earlobe - I shuddered.

"I will," she declared. "I'm... not drunk, but I'm well on the way. You should... catch me up, I think. We can misbehave... together. It will be fun. I'd like to misbehave with you..."

And she smiled down at me with her bright, captivating eyes while I tried to work out the meaning of her words, and if they meant what part of me was now desperate they might mean...

Then I gave up. She was happy. I didn't care about anything else but keeping her that way.

I took a gulp of my wine. It was good wine. I decided try to at least savour the rest of it. One glass would be more than enough, and would prevent any... accidents.

I let her link arms with me and tried desperately to ignore the soft curves of her body and the way her small, pert, unconstrained breasts brushed against me every so often. She was in some strange new element, smiling and laughing; she dragged Ursula in to briefly introduce us properly; I caught Ursula's speculative gaze as she watched Astrid and me. I sensed no jealously - just, perhaps, some sort of guarded approval. So bit by bit I relaxed. Bit by bit I laughed, and teased my friend. Bit by bit, we got drunker.

I spent time sitting next to her on a couch, listening to the way she talked to her other friends, and enjoying the warmth of her against me. I leaned against a kitchen counter as she teased a boy about a disastrous date he'd just ejected from. I laughed to the point of retching at how she choked on a shooter and snorted rum out of her nose; she was crying, and laughing, and both at once because Ursula had timed the delivery of a filthy joke to perfection...

And more than once I caught her watching me - watching me in a way that I was starting to feel wasn't casual in any way whatsoever.

Ursula fluttered in and out, keeping an eye on her bestie and a second eye on me, and treating both of us with this gentle warm affection that ensured that I was well down the path towards adoring her before the second hour was out.

Then the music changed tempo, people pushed the furniture aside, and boys and girls picked other girls and other boys to dance with.

And suddenly the rainbow balloons made sense; it became clear that many of the people here were gay like me.

Ursula seemed one of the odd ones out -she caught a nice boy's hand; the two were clearly comfortable around one another, judging by the way she kissed him and touched him and let him touch her.

I watched them, with a weird, cranberry ache twanging under my heart... only to squawk in surprise as Astrid pulled me back against her and put her arms around me, crossing them under my bust and holding me against her.

She nuzzled my neck and began to move gently from side to side; a full-body shudder rippled through me and I gasped.

"What... what are you doing?" I whispered, taken aback and desperately trying to catch my balance.

"Dancing" she answered. "Badly," she added, with a giggle. She stepped neatly around me, her arms a closed hoop trapping me in place, and smiled down at me like some Fae Queen.

"But..."

And then her arms closed around me and a hand shifted down to the small of my back, and I moaned as I realised how much I liked being touched by her this way..

"Dance with me, Becca," she breathed. "It can be your birthday present to me. I want to dance with you. I want to dance with you forever."

I stared up at her.

We shouldn't. I couldn't. It was a terrible idea to start down this road. I was crippled. I was wreckage left behind. Tears would be sure to follow...

So of course some strange impetuous madness drove me to ease in close, and push my belly and thighs and breasts in against her.

"I'll dance with you forever," I remember whispering into the warm sanctuary of her throat.

And I let her and the music seize me and carry me away.

Later - much later - we sat, giggling like teenagers, on the steps leading from the kitchen to the garden. Two young men were slow dancing near the distant trellises - both tall, and beautiful, and very clearly in love.

She watched them, and then gave me a strange, bittersweet grin.

"Must be nice," she whispered.

"What must be?" I answered.

"Being in love like that."

I stared into her moon-shadowed eyes.

She reached out, hesitantly, to brush a finger along my cheek. And in that moment, there, with her, I felt warm, and safe, and wanted...

So I did the stupid, wonderful thing and I kissed her.

She moaned, and shivered, and put her hand on my thigh - gently, fearfully, as if scared I'd pull away.

And I realised in that moment that the signs I'd been hoping and praying for were there - she liked girls, and she liked me most of all.

So I kissed her again to make sure she knew she was allowed both those things.

I shifted in tight against her so that I could lean my head against her shoulder.

She put her arm around me, and sighed - content to stop there for now, it seemed.

"Becca," she whispered. "I love you."

And my heart was full of the scent and sense of her.

The remainder of the party passed in a blur of warmth and smiling faces.

We kissed goodnight when I left at last - to the soft, amused commentary of Ursula and her lover, before I turned away and stumbled, light as a feather, to the bus stop where I and other late-leaving guests would wait for the night bus to take us home.

I fell asleep that night thinking of how her fingers had moved on my bare skin.

And woke up - strangely - smiling.

IX

"So..." I said, heart in my throat. "So... about the other night..."

"What about it?"

Her voice was soft, guarded.

"Um... I mean... is... um..."

"Just save us both the time and admit that you're into me, Rebecca."

I shivered at the directness of her demand.

"Yes," I managed. "Okay. Sure thing."

"Oh," she said. She laughed softly. "Oh. That was easier than I thought it would be."

I blinked.

"You... planned that?"

"I had to know. I... didn't want it to be something you regretted."

"How on earth could I regret anything about what we did?"

"It's just... I know things are... complicated..."

"I kissed you - three times at least, if I'm right. I think it's fair to say I enjoyed it."

"So... does..."

"Are you asking me if I want to kiss you again?" I said, grinning.

"Maybe..."

I could almost smell the blush.

"Don't get shy on me now. I'm desperately fond of you, Astrid. Like... stupidly so. It was... strange for me. Not bad strange," I added, hastily. "Just... strange. Nice strange. Different."

"Nice strange enough to maybe do it again? Tonight, even?" she said, softly.

"Um... okay, sure. Why?"

"A friend is playing a gig at a pub near home. Maybe we could..."

"Get drunk and handsy?"

"I'm not that easy," she said, amused.

"Oh? Really? That's false advertising, then. Oh woe. I'm in despair."

She snorted. "So... what do you think?"

"It sounds... nice. I'd like to be able to spend the evening with you again."

"So it's... a date?" she said, voice all breathy.

"It's a date," I whispered, flushing. "But... just so you're aware, I'm really not very good at keeping my hands to myself when I like someone as much as I like you."

"We can sit in a corner," she said. "Okay. Good. I'll... meet you outside your office at six, then?"

"I'll be breathless in anticipation."

"Tart. See you this evening. God, I can't wait."

A pause.

"Love you," she said, softly.

"Love you," I answered, automatically. It was only after she'd broken the connection that I realised that the words now had a radically different context.

Then I shrugged. I did love her. The scope of how was all that was changing.

I was very nearly happy as I waited for the day to end.

She was waiting where she'd said she would be - shifting from foot to foot on the pavement when I stepped through the slow-sliding glass door. I walked straight up to her; she let out a muted "Oof" as I wrapped my arms around her and pulled myself in.

"Hello," she breathed. "I... enjoy being greeted like that."

"Shut up and kiss me," I demanded.

"In front of all these people?"

"Yes!"

"Well... okay..."

Her kiss was brief, hurried. I'd work on that, I decided, but I wasn't going to protest right now.

So I knotted my fingers into hers. "So... lead on, then?" I said, smiling up at her.

"It's a bit of a trek... sorry."

"I'm sure I'll live. I've got great company."

"You're flirting."

"I know. Get used to it. It's your fault for deciding you like me."

She snorted.

"So... the place we're going looks like a bit of a dive from the outside, but don't let the appearances deceive you. And the food is awesome. We used to go there often. Davey used to love..."

Her face fell.

I leaned my head in against her.

"It's okay, sweetheart. It comes and goes."

She sighed.

"Does it ever end?"

"Not according to my mum. You just get more used to it."

"Thank God I've got you then," she breathed. She turned her head and brushed her lips against my forehead; I squeezed my eyes closed for a moment. Lizzy had often done the the same thing. Maybe it was a tall girl / short girl thing.

The pang hurt, but not as much as it might have, and soon I was almost back to my own special brand of normal again.

We negotiated the selection of buses before she guided me down a narrow lamp-lit lane to an old, I would have said abandoned, building. Music billowed out into the darkness as she fumbled at the door; the warm light and the smell of woodsmoke was almost homely.

I paused on the threshold, listening...

"Folk music," I said, holding my voice level.

"Yeah. Irish folk. Callie sings. It's wonderful. Come on, you'll love it."

Another bitter pang; Lizzy's Da would have loved to be here, I thought. Maybe we could bring him next time...

We found a table in a corner like she'd said we would, and she eased in beside me. She left a small gap between us; I glanced down at it, then up at her.

"Seriously?" I said.

Then I deliberately shifted so that I was pressed against her.

"Oh," she said, softly.

"I warned you," I answered. I picked up a small printed menu. "Oh. This looks nice. What would you like?"

"I'll order for me, it's okay..."

"Astrid," I said, softly. "I would like to buy your supper. I would like you to eat whatever you like; we're both a bit too tattered for my liking and I think we could both do with a decent meal and some good wine. So... will you let me treat you properly, please?"

She closed her mouth.

"Um," she whispered. "I... sorry. It's just... I've not done this before. I... don't know how to."

"Done what, love?"

"Dating," she breathed. "Being... with someone. Um..."

She was so impossibly cute. So I let her off easy instead of claiming the forfeit I so dearly would have liked to.

"First rule - I'm paying tonight. If you're absolutely dead set on not feeling indebted - which is silly, just so we're clear - then it would be appropriate to say "Thank you, Becca," and smile. Later, a kiss would also be gratefully received."

"A kiss, is it? Do you think I'm the kind of girl who kisses all and sundry?"

"I am all and sundry, and I know for a fact you've kissed me. So, yes, I do."

She laughed, and leaned forwards, offering herself to me.

So I took what she offered; and leaned against her afterwards, giggling softly.

"Shush," she said, amused.

"No," I answered. "Your kisses make me stupid. Red wine, sweetheart?"

"Please."

So I stood fought my way to the bar and got us glasses and a bottle, while a auburn-haired beauty and her entourage began to set up on the small raised stage.

As I returned to our table, the lights dimmed, and the flickering warmth from the candle on our table danced in Astrid's eyes.

I watched her, enchanted, as she poured our wine. I'd never dreamed I'd feel this way again. I'd never thought I'd be with someone who filled me up in this way, so that all the aching holes within me ceased to echo.

I took her hand, and lowered it into my lap, and watched the slow, warm flush that consumed her.

I felt content beside her, with the warmth of her leg against mine. I felt... safe. Like I belonged somewhere again.

She leaned in, pressing her nose to my temple and making my toes curl. Later, with wine and food warm in us, I leaned back against her, using her shoulder as a brace for my tired neck, smiling wistfully each time she turned to touch her lips to my brow. A slow ache, a need was building within me, and I knew I was going to take her home with me tonight if she'd let me.

At some point I opened my legs ever so slightly and placed her hand in the vee of my lap, fingers angled down towards me. I pressed her hand against me to hint at what I wanted. I felt her swallow, and I heard the way she whimpered, and I knew that she was mine.

So I leaned against her, and let the clear, clarion singing of her red-haired friend and the band flow through and around me as I basked in the warmth of her body and the slow, almost unnoticeable shifting of her slender index finger against the seam of my jeans.

It was far, far too soon when it was time to go.

"Come home with me," I begged her, staring up at her, pleading.

"I shouldn't," she answered, her expression grave. "I... I worry I'll intrude. I want to. Believe me, I want to..."

"Please," I whispered. "I need to be with you tonight. Please, come home with me. Please."

And she sighed, but nodded, and knotted her fingers into mine.

We were silent as we caught the night bus; she leaned her head against mine and I closed my eyes, trying to drown myself in the sense of her.

I put my hand on her bum, briefly, as we alighted. She did the same to me as I let her in through the front door of my block, and I smiled and held her hand as I towed her up the stairs to the third floor.

She stepped hesitantly in to my flat, but stopped and sighed as she saw the photo of Lizzy, smiling at her from the counter top.

"Oh, Becca. She's... beautiful," she whispered.

I watched her as she reached out to touch the frame, and mentally kicked myself for not being better prepared.

"So are you," I told her, hoping to soften the unintended sting.

She flushed, then turned and glanced around. "It's... nice. This space. It feels warm. Loved."

"It's home. Let me take your jacket," I said; she wordlessly shrugged it off her shoulders and let me hang it up for her. I hung mine beside it, and didn't mention the lonely navy one they'd joined.

She rubbed her hands along her forearms, clearly nervous. And to be honest, so was I.

"Tea?" I offered her. "Why don't you come and sit here?"

"Okay, and yes please to the offer for tea," she said, as she settled onto Lizzy's kitchen chair and propped her chin on her hand as she watched me.

They were so alike, it was uncanny.

I shivered.

"Becca?" she said, missing nothing as always.

"Yeah?"

"I know this is hard for you. And I'm... still not sure this is a good idea. Tonight, I mean. If you need me to go..."

"Astrid, no. Please stay," I said. "Please."

She sighed.

"Really?"

"Do you need me to beg?" I said, managing to summon a smile for her from somewhere.

She grinned wryly. "No. I don't need you to beg. I just... I..."

I moved to her side, and dropped down to my haunches. I took her hand and put the palm to my cheek as I stared up at her. "Astrid. Sweetheart. If you need to go, I won't hold it against you. I was just... really looking forward to being able to hold you tonight. That's all. Nothing more; not yet, anyway. Not unless you want more."

"And... what if I want more?" she said, eyes glittering.

"Well... in that case, perhaps I could be convinced."

"I do want more," she said. "I want all of you... it's just..."

I stood and threw my leg over her. I settled down onto her lap and stared down at her.

"Baby steps, is it?" I whispered.

"Yes," she whimpered. "Though... now that you're where you are, I'm... questioning that..."

I leaned slowly in.

"And what about now?" I breathed.

"You're... really not helping your situation..." she gasped.

"Oh. Really? How sad."

I kissed her.

She closed her arms around me and pulled me in against her; I arched forwards, pushing my belly down and in. Then, panting, I released her and tucked my face into her hair.

"God, I love kissing you," she whispered. "I never kissed anyone before. Not really. But oh my God, it was worth waiting. It was worth waiting for you."

"You've really never..."

"No. Um... what with Davey and everything, I just never really... well... didn't want the distractions..."

"Not even with Ursula?"

She slapped my bum.

"She's straight as an arrow, no matter how much she camps it up. It's always been her way. It's why I love her so much."

"What a shame. Well, you're really good for a beginner..."

"Beginner?" she protested. "I'll have you know..."

"What?" I said, as her words trailed off.

"... nothing. I'm not going to admit to anything you could use against me later," she said.

I smiled, and began to shift my hips slightly, moving in small circles on her lap. I was warm, and tipsy, and a long-missed ache had built to fever-pitch in me.

"I like how you feel against me," I said. "I like being on your lap. I like the... anticipation. I like... this."

I took her hand and guided it slowly up to my breasts; she gulped as I put her fingers to me. "Touch me, if you want to," I whispered. "I'm right here for you."

"Oh... oh my God, you feel good..."

"Here," I added, as I slid the strap of my top slowly down off my left shoulder. She moaned as I eased her finger under the fabric cup of my plain black bra. I closed my eyes as she found my nipple and took it between her fingers.

"It's so small. And... and hard. Mine aren't..."

"It may be small, but it's wired in," I gasped. "Oh, oh fuck me, that feels good... here... let me..."

And I freed my other shoulder and reached behind myself to trip the catch of my bra. I dropped it aside; Astrid's gaze widened as she stared at my breasts.

"Oh," she whimpered.

I crossed my arms behind myself and pushed out my chest, showing my mediocre assets to their best advantage.

"You're making me very hot, staring at me like that," I breathed.

"I'm... sorry..." she said; the pink that had suffused her cheeks softened her face in the most lovely way. "It's just... it's different to change rooms. Having you there, on me like this. It's... so, so wonderfully different."