Beneath the Watchful Ginkgoes

"Yeah. It's very different when you have a connection. Very, very different. I could show you how different. But... well, there're still some clothes in the way..."

She raised her hands and began to fumble with her buttons. I leaned in, gently touched my tongue to the line of her jaw; she groaned and wriggled hard against me.

"Becca," she whined, "Becca, that's not fair, you're fighting dirty..."

"I always fight dirty. I'm infamous for it."

She managed to struggle out of her blouse; I slowly ran my fingers down from her shoulders to the soft, round swell of her small yet wonderful breasts. She swore, gasped a breath, and tripped the little silver clasp between her breasts.

Her nipples were soft, puffy, begging to be kissed.

So I arched forward and took one in my mouth.

Astrid cried out and tangled her fingers in my dirty blonde tresses.

"Slow, slow, oh my God..." she groaned; I could feel her thighs writhing under me.

"No," I whispered. "Not slow. Not fast, but not slow."

I moved to her other breast, she let out a soft, keening whine.

"Becca," she gasped. "Becca, that's... you're... you're making me very horny, you need to... oh God, please, Becca..."

So I released her, and clasped myself to her, and moaned at the sensation of her soft, delicious breasts against mine.

"Spoilsport," I complained; she began to laugh a mad little laugh as she curled her nails over into my skin.

The kettle clicked off; I sighed.

"Tea?" I whispered.

"Please. Then... more kisses, maybe?" she said, hopefully.

And I smiled. "Perhaps, if you're good."

"I'll be good," she said, breathlessly.

I stood and made my way over to the kettle; she sat up straight, watching me with a delighted little grin.

"You have lovely boobs," she said. "They're... nice."

"Small," I countered.

"Not that small, but definitely nice," she said. "And bigger than my pitiful efforts," she added wryly.

"Yours," I said, "are delightfully kissable. They get my vote."

"Kissable. I like that word. And the... mm... image. Oh, oh wow, I'm... tingling."

I smirked.

"I do have that effect on people," I said, smugly. "Must be the winning personality."

"I think it's your smile, actually," she said softly. "Your smile is... well, I can't quite explain it. But it really grabs my attention. It always has."

I felt myself blushing. I turned away and busied myself with the tea... only to stop, frozen in place as she slipped in behind me and I felt the soft swells of her breasts against my shoulder blades.

"Astrid," I breathed. "You are making it very hard for me to behave myself."

"Mhmm."

She kissed my shoulder, and the nape of my neck. I shuddered.

"Touch me," I begged her. "Down... between my legs. My pussy. Touch me. See... what you've done to me."

She slowly and uncertainly fiddled with the button of my jeans, tripping it and easing the zip ever so slightly. I shimmied back against her, arching, reaching behind myself to pull her head against mine. Her fingers dropped, probed, stroked... found the waistband of my abridged little g-string before slipping, slowly, beneath it.

"Oh, oh God," I moaned, shuddering, as she reached the narrow little vee of my lips.

She made a soft noise, slid her finger down along me, parting me. I shuddered again.

"You're so hot," she gasped. "So... wet."

I groaned my agreement to her statement, began to grind instinctively along her finger.

"Becca... we're... we're... giving everyone a show," she whispered. "Lets... turn the lights off... at least. I don't want to be... waving my bum at the world..."

I spun, kissed her hard, and grabbed her hand.

"Fuck the tea," I whispered. "I want you instead."

I pulled her after me to my room.

"Sorry for the mess," I said. "It's a hazard of the territory."

I pulled her close and kissed her again, then put her fingers to my waist.

"Undo me properly," I breathed, as I began to fumble with the buckle of her belt.

She was shaking, shivering, eyes dark and unreadable in the dim light of my bedside lamp. She slid my denims down my thighs, then stood still as she let me trip the button of her jeans and do the same.

"And now we're hobbled," she said wryly.

I laughed, and kicked my denims free of me. Then I held her arm as she stepped daintily out of her own.

"There," I said. "All better. Mm. Nice undies. They'd look even better in a crumpled heap on the floor."

She laughed, then sobered suddenly.

"Becca," she said. "I want you. I want you like mad. But... are you sure?"

"As sure as I am of anything. Come here," I added, pulling her close. I clasped my arms up behind her neck and stared up at her for a moment, then stood up on my toes and kissed her. Then I kissed her again. And again, and soon enough she got the message, because she dropped her hands slowly down along my back to cup the round cheeks of my bum and pull me up against her.

We were both panting now; I could see the flush on her neck and chest. I lowered a hand, stroked it along her belly, then slowly pushed her backwards towards my unmade bed. She fell backwards with a muffled whoop, then lay there, legs open, staring up at me as I slowly slipped my panties down from my crotch to the floor.

"God," she gasped. "Oh, God, you're gorgeous."

I smiled, then walked my way slowly up until I'd straddled her hips. I stared down at her as I reached for her breasts and began to play with her nipples.

Her eyes closed to slits, she let out a long hissing groan.

"Oh, oh that's nice," she breathed.

"Astrid... have you really never done this before?" I said, softly.

Her eyes widened again.

"Yes," she said simply. "Is... that a problem?"

"No. Of course not. I just... need to know how far you've been, and what you like, and how I can... please you."

"I... touch myself, a bit," she whispered. "Well... a lot, recently..." she added, flushing.

"Show me how."

"What... like... right now?"

"Yes. I want to learn how you like it."

"Um... okay..."

She'd gone bright pink.

"Don't be shy, or embarrassed," I said. "I want to please you. I want to make you feel amazing. There's nothing to be ashamed about. So... take my finger in yours..."

And she did...

"And... and show me where to touch you," I breathed.

She swallowed hard, then tugged the crotch of her panties to one side. I stared down at her pink, sticky lips - standing slightly proud of her body, like little flower petals. I whimpered as she touched my fingertip to her, and parted herself, and found her little pink clit for me.

"Uhn.... just... just here, like this, slowly... around... here..." she panted. "Oh, oh my God, it's so... weird having someone else... mmm... oh... oh, that's... perfect..."

"Just you wait until I use my tongue," I groaned, staring down at her in delight. She was wet, and hot, and the little line of her entrance was pulsing delightfully against me. What sparse pubic hair she had framed rather than obscured her, and I couldn't wait to see her entirely naked...

She arched upwards, grunted once.

"Becca," she panted. "Becca, that's... that's perfect, love, that's just what I love, right there... just... put a bit of pressure against me, so I open a bit... over you...oh... oh my... oh my God...mm..."

The scent of her was maddening. I wanted to push my tongue against her, lap along her, taste her, push into her, push my fingers into her, watch her eyes roll back into her head as I stretched her over my hard, slick digits...

She began to mewl, keening little gasps forcing their way past her clenched jaw.

"Becca," she whimpered. "Becca, don't stop, don't stop, I'm going to come for you, I'm... I'm so close, I'm so close, it's so quick... push into me, please, just your fingertip... oh... oh my God, oh my God, just like that..."

"I'm going to fuck you until you see stars," I groaned. "I'm going to kiss every inch of you. I'm going to sit on your face and stare down at you as you eat me. I'm going to make you mine. I'm going to..."

She cried out, her legs convulsed against me; she bucked and writhed and sobbed in ecstasy. She flailed for my hand, found it, and clasped to her lips, tonguing it, kissing it, moaning and even nibbling...

I shifted, lowered myself in against her, kissing her, feeling her buck and gyrate and grind against me as I kept my slick, hot fingers dancing over her.

"Becca," she moaned. "Please... just... just stop for a bit, it's too much, I need a break, just a... short one..."

And so I gathered her in against me, feeling the way she undulated and squirmed, loving every little panting gasp she gave as her body recovered.

And when she'd calmed she kissed me slowly before she settled in against me with a plaintive little groan.

"So..." I whispered. "How was it for you?"

She bit my skin gently, and laughed deep in her throat as I yelped.

"It was... wow. Far... mm... better than me by myself. Oh, oh wow, I love having you against me like this"

"I can make it even better," I whispered. I pulled my underwear down off my hips, squirming them down past my knees so I could kick them free of me. "Now you're in bed with a naked girl. Oh, heavens. How did that happen. What would everyone think?"

"That I was fucking lucky," she whispered. "I got the best looking girl at my birthday party to come home with me. What a silly girl she was; she could have had anyone there, especially with those eyes and those legs and that ridiculously-short dress."

I snorted. "Luckily for you there was only one girl I was watching."

"Ursula?" she teased, grinning.

"Oh, ha ha."

She shifted, then levered herself up.

"Can I see you?" she asked.

In answer I rolled onto my back and opened myself.

"God," she breathed. "Oh, wow. Yeah. I'm totally dreaming. This has to be a dream. There's no way this is real."

I took her hand and put it to me.

"If it's a dream, then it's a great one. You know what to do," I whispered. "I like it gentle, like a dance at first. I like my clit teased, slowly, just on either side. Once... oh... oh, yes, like that. Oh, oh yes. Once... once you've got me good... and ready... you should totally put two fingers into me..."

"Two?" she breathed, as she stared intently down at my crotch. "Really? All at once?"

"Maybe three if you're really... slow..." I grunted.

I loved her.

I loved the scent of her, the way she stared down at my body. I loved the expression she'd worn when she saw my breasts. I loved the warmth of her long, angular legs. I loved the little lines of the intent frown she wore. I loved the tip of her tongue that protruded just past her teeth as she focussed on pleasing me...

"Astrid," I whimpered.

She glanced up at me.

"It's not... that I don't love that you're... staring at my pussy so intently... but... but I think you'd really, really enjoy... uhn... sucking my nipples while you're fucking... me..."

She paused.

Then she shifted up on top of me, and pressed her damp crotch against my left thigh. I felt her hot breath on my breast, then she captured my nipple with her lips and tongue and sparks went off behind my eyes.

"Oh," I whimpered.

Oh, it was perfect.

I gasped as my belly spasmed. She pushed herself hard against me. I flailed, found her head, twisted my fingers into her hair and pushed her hard down against me as I spasmed again.

"Gonna come now," I gasped. "Really... soon.... oh... oh.... oh God..."

And then blankness took me as my body overrode me. I felt my hips begin to buck as my pussy spasmed hard on her. She squawked in surprise as I shuddered and ground against her, my harsh, guttural gasps rising raw and unfiltered from deep under my diaphragm...

And then she began to kiss me, and clawed her way in against me, clutching me to her as I squirmed and shuddered and tried to remember my name.

And then... bliss. Slow, crawling bliss rising from my toes to my ears, little tingles like firefly kisses on every little bit of my body and soul.

"That," I panted to the world at large when I could, "was amazing. You're... totally going to have to do that to me again. In a bit. Perhaps a year or two's time. When I'm recovered."

And she laughed into my neck before she shifted so that she could kiss me again.

X

I was warm. Warm and content.

It was early. Too early to wake, but not too early to snuggle in against Lizzy. I always loved curling in against her. I could feel her next to me, the gentle movements of her breath as she dozed. God, I loved the way she smelled. She always curled up away from me, and sometimes I'd sneak a hand down where I shouldn't to tease her awake. But not today. Today I was languid; today I just wanted to be close to her.

She'd been gone.

I couldn't remember quite where, but she'd been gone somewhere for quite a while. Work? I forgot things sometimes... got distracted by irrelevancies. I had to be better. Had I taken my pills? I was sure I had.

I was glad to have her back, regardless. It was cold without her. Cold and black. Not warm and light like this, with her against me, her gentle breaths so soft and yet so loud down within the center of me...

I moved in closer; she sighed and fumbled for my hand.

I kissed her neck, enjoying the way she shifted against me, the little breathless sleepy moan.

"I missed you, Elizabeth," I whispered into her neck. "Where were you? I was so cold..."

She froze.

"What did you just say?" she said, softly.

Her voice was strange. Not at all like her usual voice...

The soft, gentle soap-bubble of a dream faded and burst.

And I remembered.

"Oh. Christ," I whispered; agony stabbed me. "Oh fuck, oh fuck no..."

"Did you seriously..."

"Oh my God, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean..."

"You called me by her name. You seriously just called me by her name."

She pushed away from me and sat up. She was a dark silhouette in the half-light that eased through the curtains. But I didn't need to be able to see her to sense her pain. Or the ice-cold fury that had seized her...

I scrambled towards her, reached out desperately.

"Astrid, please..." I gasped.

"Please don't touch me."

She stood, and stumbled to the doorway. She flicked on the light and stared back at me. Her hair was wild, her eyes haunted and bitter.

"I should have known," she said, softly, her voice faint and emotionless. "I knew this was a bad idea. I knew, when I came here and saw that she was still everywhere. I knew it was too good to be true. I knew I shouldn't have come."

"Astrid!" I begged, still trying to find myself, still trying to understand the enormity of my crime. "Astrid, please, just take a breath..."

"No. No, I won't. I was stupid. And this is the price I have to pay for that. And so we learn."

She bent and found her jeans, and fought her way into them. She ghosted from my room as I was fighting my way out of my blankets. I stumbled after her. "Astrid, please, just wait, please..."

She'd pulled on her blouse and hadn't even bothered to button it. She shoved her feet into her sneakers, and tucked her socks into her jeans pockets. She pulled her parka off the hook behind the door; the hood snagged and she yanked it in a brief, uncharacteristic demonstration of fury, snapping the hanger's adhesive tape off the badly-painted wood. The other jackets fell to the floor and she stepped clear of them.

"I'm leaving," she announced, in a soft, barren monotone. "I'm going, now."

Her parka's zip rasped; hiding her hopeless state of undress from me and the world.

I gagged, clamped my hand to my mouth as bile rose in my throat.

"Please..." I begged her, one last time.

She undid the chain and latch, and struggled for a moment before she managed to get the door open.

Then she paused, and turned to face me.

There was nothing but bleak, haunted desolation behind her eyes - an endless, grey nothingness that was infinitely worse than any visible sign of anger might have been.

"Talk to someone," she said, softly. "For God's sake, Rebecca. Talk to someone and sort yourself out before you wreck someone else's life as well. Thank you for always being so kind. But don't phone me. And don't contact me in any way. I don't... I can't..."

And as the first sob took her she turned, broke, and ran.

My door banged off the stopper and rebounded before creaking to a halt, half-ajar.

I sank to the floor and stared out at the hallway and its dirty industrial carpet. The cold, dead, fluorescent glow of what lights there were made it look like a morgue. A fitting end to this doomed chance, I thought. Dead on a slab before it even began...

Her footsteps clattered unevenly down the stairs, and I felt the distant slam of the front door of the block like the final grating thump of my sarcophagus lid closing over me.

Inside me, nothing but a gnawing emptiness where not even ten minutes earlier there'd been colour and light and... love...

I gasped a breath. I gasped another.

There was only one place I could still go. There was only one person who could still help me when things were this bad.

So, somehow, I got to my feet.

I nudged my door closed.

I pulled on clothes at random.

I put on my shoes, and my coat.

It was early, but I knew that Elizabeth's Da would already be up and pottering around.

So in desperation I went to find him.

XI

Mick opened his weathered white door and paused, gaping blankly dawn at me.

"Hey, Da," I managed, barely keeping it together.

"Becca? Oh, sweetheart... come in, come in. Is this a tea visit, love, or is this..."

I clutched at him and staggered in against him.

"This is... suicide watch again..." I gasped.

"Dear Christ and all, that it certainly isn't," he said. "Here. Come in out the cold. Give me your coat. Now come here, you," he added, and he wrapped his arms around me and squeezed me in the way he always did. "I've got the kettle on; I had a funny feeling when I woke up this morning. Come along."

He released me, shut the door and turned, ambling towards the kitchen.

I followed him, shaking and gulping, running the gauntlet of the hall and the line of photos of Lizzy and him and me. I tried not to meet her gaze, but it was hard not to look at her smiling face in all its various ages and places. I shuddered, gulped again, and lowered myself onto the worn plaid-covered seat of the old kitchen stool I nearly always sat on.

Mick rattled around the kitchen; his thinning hair and patchwork skin suddenly driving home how much he'd aged since we'd lost Lizzy. I wasn't the only broken soul here; guilt consumed me.

"How... how are you, Da?" I whispered.

"Well enough, love, well enough. You're not though. So we're not going to waste time talking about me; instead, you're going to spill it. Is this about Astrid?"

"Yeah. Oh... oh God, I cocked it all up so massively..."

"Did you now? I'll make the tea. Sugar, love?"

"Please," I begged.

The calming scent of Ceylon slowly filled Mick's kitchen. I felt my shoulders unknotting despite the pain in me. Ever since that first time I'd been invited here, ever since the first time Mick had so gladly welcomed me into his and Lizzy's life, I'd felt safe here. Mum was mum and always would be, but Mick was the dad I'd always needed; the quiet, gentle, stoic Irish giant who'd loved his daughter above all else beneath Heaven, and who still loved me second only to her.

Lizzy's little girlish turquoise daisies still sparkled in his earlobes; he'd pierced his ears when she'd done hers so she'd have company and wouldn't be scared, but he'd never worn anything until she'd died. Then he'd taken these little flowers from her dresser and, tears flowing freely, donned them both as keepsakes for her. He had to my knowledge never taken them out again. Like me, he carried part of her wherever he went - that and the shadows behind the pale, sea-green eyes that watched me now with such overwhelming love and sympathy.