Beneath the Watchful Ginkgoes

Lizzy began to visit me in my dreams, and soon enough in my waking days. Her sad green eyes would watch me; but she never spoke; she just kept me company as I slowly began to fade away from Time.

I forgot things, missed appointments, neglected myself...

My mum was clearly watching me far more carefully than I could have imagined. She let me wallow for a while before she lost patience. She and Mick met me one evening, and got the truth out of me when I'd stopped crying for long enough to be able to speak. From there they got me to my therapist who changed the dosages of my pills and added other, even more exciting ones.

And beneath their merciless shepherding I resumed my ritual - my therapist on Tuesdays and Lizzy's grave on least two other days every week without fail.

And Mum and Mick filled my spare evenings with whatever they could, no matter how banal or small.

Slowly the hated world came back into soft focus, and I learned to at least survive and cope again. I took to wearing Lizzy's little gold ginkgo-leaf pendant; the cold metal serving as a chilly anchor where it dangled low between my breasts, over my dead and desiccated heart...

I was in no way healed - the care I had received was palliative, not therapeutic; sooner or later I knew that Death would come with her gentle, merciful embrace and carry me away from this vale of tears.

I looked forward to meeting her.

But I wanted to do my best to not distress my mum or Da, so for both their sakes I pretended to at least be almost... okay.

Summer waxed and waned, Autumn shed her dress of green and gold and donned her russet robes.

And then cold, crooked Winter and his winds came calling.

Another year had passed me by. Another year of being the one who'd not yet died. I couldn't say that the idea of any more years like it appealed in any way.

But I'd promised Lizzy I'd try. So I hunched my shoulders and dug deep in myself and - somehow - walked on.

XIV

It had been a long day. A new, nearly-worst day for my collection too - Astrid's birthday.

I'd been fighting a last-ditch defence against the urge to text her since I'd woken and realised the date. It had been nearly a year since she'd walked away from me - eleven long, bitter months where I'd left her alone no matter how desperate I'd been to reach out. I'd seen signs of her here and there - flowers on Lizzy's grave that I hadn't left there, fresh candles on Davey's to replace those I always left lit for him. Little hints that she still walked the waking world. They were not nearly enough, but for me they had to be.

But it was evening, now. Evening at the end of a bloody awful day. She'd turned twenty two without me. And my strength to resist my desperate need to hear her voice was fading fast...

I sighed, and stared down at my phone. Then I swallowed and pressed the send button.

Happy birthday, Astrid. I hope you're well and that you've been spoiled rotten today

Well, it was done. I'd done it. It had only taken me nearly a year to summon the courage...

I stared at the frost that rimed the dead plants on my tiny windowsill. It would be cold; Lizzy's flowers would freeze tonight. I'd have to take her some new ones sometime.

I turned and looked at the photo of us.

Elizabeth looked so young now. We both did, but... I was getting older.

She would always be twenty five.

I'd be twenty-eight soon enough.

Sooner still I'd be fifty.

I caressed my Santoku knife and indulged in the brief intrusive thoughts it brought before banishing them. Lizzy and Astrid would likely both never forgive me...

So I picked it up and cut the tomatoes and the little block of feta, and put both into the bed of salad leaves that would form the limited bulk of my evening meal. Some balsamic, some pepper. Some lemon juice for the necessary vitamin C.

My wrists were thin, and I knew I was flirting with a gauntness that verged on unhealthy. But like so many things these days it was just too much effort to care. So I generally didn't - it would all be the same in the end, after all.

A message pinged; I glanced at my phone. My mum, checking in on me. I replied to her with a heart and a "talk in a bit; busy making supper. I'm okay. Love you x."

A white lie. I felt a moment of shame, I doubted mum was deceived. But she'd never intruded on my grief; a widow herself, she knew what it was like to live surrounded by memories of a life that would not be...

Elizabeth's favourite jacket still hung behind the door. I stared at it as I slowly transferred food from my plate to my mouth. I should donate it, I thought - it and the other things I still had; it would never fit my hips even in my thinner state, and it could help some other girl somewhere - keep them warm, give them comfort. Lizzy would have liked that.

I'd do it. I'd donate it to someone...

I sighed. It would have fitted Astrid perfectly; she had almost the same build at Lizzy had had. And I doubted that Lizzy would have minded at all; she'd always been a level-headed and practical creature...

Another message. Probably Mick, checking in. I glanced down at the phone... and froze.

Thank you. I hope you're well.

My heart shuddered and began to ache; I squeezed my eyes tightly together, panting...

It hurt. It hurt that after all this time, she'd actually responded... and so quickly, too. Like she'd been... waiting...

And then my phone pinged again.

did you leave the candles for Davey?

Yes, I responded, when I'd summoned the strength and the nerve.

You were always so kind to him.

And to me.

My heart broke all over again. A moment, another moment as I stared down at the message.

I managed to take a gasp of air....

Then another message arrived and knocked it all out of me again.

i miss you

I bit down hard on the sudden sob; my plate clattered on the counter top as I braced myself; but my gammy leg went out from under me and I slid slowly to the floor.

I tried to remember how to breathe.

Everything hurt.

I stared at my blurry phone and tried to type something... anything...

i mess you two

"For fuck sakes!" I screamed, half blind with tears and rage at my infernal device.

I tried again.

miss. too. ducking fingers

And then a few moments of quiet as I slowly managed to get a grip on my breathing.

The brittle edges of things, the bright white dancing spots of stress, the grey vagueness all faded. I stared at the peeling paint on the far wall of my living area.

My phone pinged.

I dropped my gaze to it.

can I call you?

A moment of panic. Then... resignation.

yes

I leaned back against my fridge, and tried to find some reservoir of strength.

My phone began to tinkle brightly - the stupid fairy bells she'd laughingly set as her ringtone; her portrait smiling that demure little grin at me. I'd never changed either.

I fumbled the implement of torture into my hand and answered.

"Astrid?" I breathed.

"Oh Becca. Oh God. It's you. It's really you. Oh God, I've missed your voice."

And I began to cry.

"I'm sorry," I sobbed. "I... I don't know what's going on, I just... I can't... I can't stop..."

"It's okay. It's okay."

Her voice was ragged; I heard a loud sniff.

"Where... where are you..." I managed.

"In my room. Needed a break from my fucking birthday party."

"Oh. Too... many people?"

"Ursula's doing. She got tired of me being... single and... and she tried to set me up. And... and I was just cold with rage. And so I was getting something more to drink... and then you texted. And I went to pieces and had to go and hide."

"I'm sorry...."

"No," she whispered. "Don't be. I'm glad you reached out. I'm sorry for not... getting in touch. But I was never brave enough to try, and the timing always seemed wrong. I've always been a coward when it comes to stuff like this. Especially when it comes to you. I've missed you, Becca. I've missed you so much. Are... are you okay?"

"No," I answered, my voice soft and broken. "No, I'm not okay. Not even a little bit. Not at all."

"Oh Becca," she gulped. "I'm so sorry. Tell me what's wrong. Maybe I can... help you somehow..."

"I want you back," I sobbed. "I want you back in my life, Astrid. I know you don't want me, and I know I fucked up... but I want you back."

She was silent for quite some time.

"I do want you, Becca," she groaned at last, her voice all tight and reedy. "I... just don't think I should. I... I can't go through life in Elizabeth's shadow."

"You're not in her shadow. You're not a replacement for her. But... she was the most important person in my life for so long. She haunts me, Astrid. Don't you think I know that I still see echoes of her? I do my best. But..."

"I've never minded the echoes. I've never minded that I'd see pictures of her. I'm not jealous of her. How could I be? She loved you! And I would never try to deny your love for her, Becca. What I can't do is be her for you..."

"You're not a replacement, Astrid," I gasped. "You never were. You're a lot like her, and I would never lie about that. But you're not her and you never will be and I'd never, could never want you to be or pretend to be. She's gone. Long ago. I... I never thought I'd love anyone ever again the way I loved her. And... and it's true, I don't..."

"But..."

"... because you're different and wonderful and strange!" I sobbed. "And I'm different too, now. I'm not some... first year girl falling in love for the first time. I'm... damaged, Astrid. I'm possibly crippled - emotionally, I mean, fuck, I don't even know any more. But for all that... I want to be loved again. I need to be loved again. And I want to have you in my life; I want to be able to tell you about my days, and watch the way you smile at me. I want to feel your fingers on my cheek, I want to drown in your eyes again. You're not her, Astrid. I'd never lie about that. I don't love you because you're her replacement. I love you because you aren't. If that's not enough for you, then I don't care. I will still love you forever, no matter whether you want me or not..."

"Oh Becca. Please... Becca, please don't cry..."

I gasped a breath, and another. Somehow I managed to go on; to finish saying what I so desperately needed to say.

"So... if my love is enough for you, then come back to me. That's all I want. Come back to me and let me show you just how different you are. Just... give me a chance, that's all. Just a chance. Just a chance," I repeated.

I felt calm, despite the tears and the gasping breaths I was so powerless to control. All that mattered was that I'd said my piece. There was nothing more I could do.

She was silent. I heard someone in the background - a muffled question. Astrid sniffed. I heard her say she'd be right out, and I heard her sniff again. More murmuring.

"Fuck off!" Astrid shouted suddenly - but not at me. "I said I'll be right out! Stop pushing me, Ursula! Please, I love you forever, but just fuck off and let me have just one fucking minute to pull myself together! God!"

Then... silence.

"Christ," I heard her whisper. She sniffed again. "Sorry about that. I'm going to have to go grovel after this. She didn't deserve that. She's a saint, and I know she's just concerned for me... Rebecca? I'm going to see them tomorrow. Lizzy and David, I mean. At eleven. I... think we should talk face-to-face. I need to see you. So... if you want to meet me there, that would be... okay. On consecrated ground, if I don't combust when I step through the gates for being such a witch," she added, with a weird, brittle laugh.

"Are you... sure? Last time we saw one another... wasn't that great. I... I really want to, but I don't want to... to..."

"I am as sure as I've ever been of anything, ever. I need to see you. To apologise for the last time and... well... we'll see from there, I guess. So... will you come?"

"I'll be there. There's nothing in Heaven or Hell that could keep me away any more."

"I've got to go," she sighed. "I need to go apologise to Ursula. It's an utterly thankless job, being my best friend. She never gets angry. I wish she would. But she's too much of a saint. So... you'll be there, right? Tomorrow?"

"Yes, I'll be there. Even if I have to crawl."

"Good," she whispered.

She paused.

"I still love you, you know. I never stopped. That's... that's the problem. That's what made leaving so hard. It's why I've been alone... since."

"I still love you too," I gasped. "Go... go have fun at your party. Tell me about it tomorrow. Thank Ursula for... for looking after you..."

"I will. Get some sleep, Becca. You sound exhausted. See you tomorrow."

A click, and our connection broke.

And I sat there, staring at the far wall, too tired to care about anything but that she wanted to see me and that I'd see her tomorrow.

I'd see her tomorrow. At eleven. Tomorrow.

That was all that mattered.

XV

She sighed out a puff of air as I slowly closed with her. Then she took my hand in hers as I reached her.

"Hey. Is your leg still sore?" she said, a strangely familiar and personal greeting from someone I hadn't seen for nearly a lifetime...

I stared up at her, cataloguing the changes a year had written. I liked the red and blonde highlights she'd added to her hair. It made her seem more alive, somehow - and also less like Lizzy, which helped to an infinite degree. She'd lost the last scrawniness of adolescence; her face seemed older somehow... more angular in some places, but softer where it mattered. And she was wearing earrings now where previously she hadn't...

"Rebecca?" she said, nudging me. "You're... staring."

"Sorry, sorry... um... just got lost in my thoughts. Um. The leg... well, it never really got better," I replied. "Hi. It's... oh, wow, it's so good to see you again..."

She made a face. "It should have been sooner. I'm sorry for being so weak and... afraid," she added, softly. She brushed her thumb over the back of my hand; I stared up at her, swallowed...

"It's okay. It was my fault, after all. Um... Astrid... um... could I..."

She stepped suddenly forward and wrapped her arms around me and pulled me tightly against her.

"Oh my God, I missed you," she breathed.

I melted in against her and let out a shaky little sigh into the space under her throat that had always seemed tailor-made for me.

"Hi," I repeated, stupidly, too drunk on her to think of anything else but how good she felt against me.

"You're too thin, Becca," she said, her voice tight with disapproval. She ran her hands over my back. "You were never this bony. Seriously, what the fuck."

"Thirty seconds into my redemption arc and we're there already?"

"Yeah. We are. Eat properly or else I am going to get violently upset with you."

The tenderness of her embrace totally gave the lie to her words; I loved the gentle way her hands moved over my shoulders and lower back.

I made a soft, happy sound; she squeezed me once more.

Then she released me, and ran her hands over her face. "Well. Here I am," she said. "And here you are. And... I'm still standing. That's good, I suppose. How... are you, Becca?"

"Better now that I've seen you. It's been... too long. Things were bad. But... but they're better now."

"Yeah," she said. She stared down at me. "I know what you mean. It has been too long. Holy hell, I'd forgotten how much I adore your voice. Come. Let's walk. Slowly," she added, sympathetically.

"I can't go far. My knee will start to ache, and I'll need to ice it."

"What's the prognosis?"

"If I actually did my exercises then it would be merely weak, not perpetually fucked. So... I guess the prognosis is that I'm a lazy whore and that I need to be better about my physical therapy... it just hasn't seemed important up until now. "

"And now?" she said, giving me a flat, direct stare.

I swallowed.

"I'll... look after myself better."

"You'd better," she said softly. "I'm... not going to risk exposing myself again if you're not planning to stay around for a good long while, Rebecca."

"I'm staying. You're stuck with me," I managed.

"Okay then. Here. Take my arm. Is this pace... okay?"

"It's okay," I said. "For a bit. You may need to carry me if we go too far though."

"I'd carry you forever. God, I missed you," she sighed. "But... I had to do it. I had to get my head right..."

"I know..."

"It wasn't easy, just so you know."

"I know that, too..."

"I... I'd lie in bed, staring at your name. Wishing you'd call..."

I staggered to a stop; fought for a breath.

"Astrid," I whispered. "Please. Please don't. Just... can... can we put it all behind us and just concentrate on the here and now? I... I really need to concentrate on the here and now. I went off the rails, Astrid - really really badly, to the point where... people needed to intervene. It was... it was pretty bleak. I'm doing better now... I'm okay... but I... I need to focus on the brightness of you being here, of you letting me be close like this again... I don't have spare energy for what I did wrong. Not right now. So please..."

And she leaned in and pressed her face to my cheek.

"Sorry. I didn't mean..."

"I know you didn't."

"So... how can I help? What do you need?"

"I need you," I whispered. "I need all of you. I need to know that... that you're still here, that there's some path back for me to being with you..."

"Hey."

She reached out, lifted my chin, forced me to meet her gaze.

She paused for a moment or two.

"Right. Rebecca? Are you paying attention yet?" she said. "Or do I need to slap you a couple of times to wake you up, first?"

"Um... yes? I mean no, you don't need to slap me. I'm paying mmfgh..."

She'd bracketed my cheeks with the cool skin of her hands and pulled my face to her. She kissed me - not hard, not forceful, just gently and tenderly, and I moaned deep inside myself as all the love I felt for her burst free like butterflies from the coffin I'd buried it in.

I slumped against her, and tucked my face in against her when she at last let me go. I curled and twisted my fingers over and over in her hair, listening to my whimpering, disordered breaths and the pounding blood in my veins.

"Wow," I managed, at last.

She laughed softly.

"What can I say; I've been saving that one," she whispered. "You broke me, Becca. But... not forever. I'm here. I'm... willing to try. But you need to want me. You need to love me. I will never be Elizabeth, okay? But I will also never, ever expect you to forget her. She helped make you this wonderful person that you are. And I will always, always be grateful to her for that. But... if I'm going to be yours - really yours... then I need you to be mine. It can't be unbalanced, or it will be dead before we try. So - don't take your photos down. Don't try to hide the signs of her because that would be denying everything about who she was to you. Just... please make a little space for me too, if you can."

"I can," I gasped. "I have. And I always will. You're who I want. Just you."

"That's all I ask," she whispered. She kissed me again, briefly this time. "Come. They're waiting. It's been a while and we should be better. Let's go say hello."

So we went and spent our time with our loved ones. Astrid kept her arm through mine, and walked solicitously by my side. She steadied me as I brushed the leaves away from Lizzy's grave, and offered me a candle to light on Davey's.

And we walked together, red-eyed and raw-cheeked, back to our long-abandoned cafe.

She held my hand while we ate our customary cake and drank our pot of tea, and told me how she'd been, and how she'd never strayed from me.