Berri Cuda 01

Berri Cuda 01

I mean, hey there, I'm Berri Cuda, I'm a little ole thing, which helped me lean more towards the fem side of the street, but I'm stuck somewhere between shy and skittish, but I do the best that I can. I do hang out on the Middleton Strip on Friday nights, but I mostly stay seated in my truck for fear of having to talk to people and it may have been said a few times that you'll need a crowbar to get me to open up, but I think that is a little on the extreme side. And if you're wondering what "little ole" means, I can safely change outfits in truck with little fear of getting caught, LOL.

And I'm 19, even if I don't look it.

So, my shy and skittish story today starts out on the Saturday afternoon of the infamous legend and annual Middleton River Serpent nighttime investigation. And since it happens to be on a Saturday with a full moon, I mean, it promised to be holy grail for all of the nerds, geeks and freaks, right? Which had nothing to do with my trip up to the full-service car washing and detailing shop at the north end of the Strip that day.

"So, I mean, are you Berri Cuda then, huh?"

"Oh, I am Berri Cuda and I'm sassy since I'm so small and since I'm so small, I can't help but to be adorable and my hair changes every three weeks and not only do I kiss, which makes me sexually active, I like to be lifted off of my feet when I'm being kissed back and my goal is to kiss so long that we both pass out from the lack of fresh air and I once painted all of the toenails at a pool party, men included and I turned down a request from the pool party host to towel dry him off in the changing hut and my little truck is the best, so what?"

"Oh, I was just going to say that this is the first time ever that any customer ever brought their own perfume spritzer bottle to our car wash business instead of just taking our cheap ass stuff that we provide for the final drying and detailing process, so?"

"Oh, I thought you were going to go into how I break the leg coverings rule, but with mother nature and the gym have provided for me, I don't see the point in hiding anything, but that doesn't mean that I don't own and wear appropriate leg coverings and with what mother nature didn't provide for me, well, that doesn't matter and nothing will get in way and maybe I'm not too popular just yet, but I'm gaining ground and I'm absolutely charming, so what?"

[Ping, incoming text]

"Oh, um, I mean, Ethan, the interior dusting and wiping down guy, was wondering or he is wondering if he could leave his number with you, so, um, Berri Cuda, so, well, um, are you up for that then, huh?"

"Oh, snap, is that Ethan inside of my truck right now with the rag? I'm wearing flat shoes!"

[Ping, incoming text]

"So, there's a Saturday night full moon and nighttime investigation down by the river tonight for the mythical Middleton River Serpent, um, and some of us will be gathering by the log jam spot with our flashlights, so, um, how am I in the middle of this then, Berri Cuda?"

"Ahem! May I use your phone please!"

[Just snatches the phone because small equals quick]

[Whoop]

"I'm in flat shoes! And I'm super shy!"

[Ping]

"Glam flat shoes!"

[Whoop]

"Will there be a Frosty Icy 4 me?"

[Ping]

"Blueberry banana swirl."

[Hands phone back]

"Well, I mean, will the entire car wash crew be there then, oh, um?"

"Oh, Ted, Teddy to you, Berri Cuda."

"Oh, Ted Teddy, so, now you're my backup tonight in case something goes wrong then, hmm? I mean, Ted Teddy is very formal, so?"

"Is that a bad thing then, Berri Cuda?"

"No, it's not a bad thing, Ted Teddy. I just wanted to hear you say it, so."

So, listen folks, that cheap liquid gunk that the car wash sprays after a detailing, well, nope! Besides, I had so many extra spritzer bottles laying around my place that it just seemed fitting to take my own, so.

Anyways, I am unattached for some reason, but I did accept his phone number, in person, as I met with him while he was finishing up with my truck and so we could formally meet before we met up under the full moon light while crisscrossing flashlight beams for a fresh water mythical serpent that probably never ever existed, so.

"So, Berri Cuda, that was about twenty safety rules that you just babbled on about, so, is that it then, huh?"

"Oh, that run down just now was about it, Ethan, except that I can't receive you at my house just yet, since we just met, but I already had plans to join in with the riverside nighttime investigation, but it's my normal to park on the north side of the river, not that I'm saying anything bad about people who park and hang out on the south side of the river where the old log jam is, but I promise that I will be there tonight and we can share texts and maybe we can then meet up in the middle of the walking bridge, so?"

Well, I also checked his Chang homepage and I knew of a few of his friends and everybody knows that clicking the "Complicated" relationship status tab means you're single, so.

"And since I've already ran a Chang background check and reviewed your homepage, I will be preppy goth tonight, meaning a college logo hoodie, in flats, again, unless you prefer another look, which I have many to choose, but it's too late to change my tipped hair for tonight, so, a preppy goth look in flats then, hmm?"

See? I'm charming! And adorable! And reasonable! So, how am I unattached then?

Oh, and a preppy little goth person I was. Complete with one of those fishnet shirts that isn't actually a shirt up to the shoulders as much as it a belly and upper chest wrap. Under my new preppy college logo hoodie, of course. And Denim shorts since the annual waste of time occurs on the 3rd Saturday of each August, so.

But I may have fibbed to bad boy Ethan about where I was going to park. I mean, I am a north side of the river person, but I get nervous about my truck sometimes, so I figured I could park under the bright lights of the Strip and find a safe escort down to the walking bridge.

[Beep, beep, beep]

"I mean, Natalie, I know I have no association with your crew here in front of the English Muffin Shop on the Strip, but I'm charming, so can I park right here on the Strip tonight and find an escort walk to the river? I get nervous about my truck sometimes, so?"

I mean, the English Muffin Shop crew seemed pretty nice, so.

"And that's the fewest words that I've babbled, so, will you girls work with me then, hmm?"

"Well, first of all, Berri Cuda, hah, charming! Second of all, that was a joke and we like your truck, so, go ahead and slip it into a slot and lock it up."

And I did just that. And got out.

"And you're half naked, Berri Cuda!"

[Zips up preppy college log hoodie]

"Halt! Not so fast, short hot stuff! Confess!"

"Natalie, I painted 14 people's toenails, times two feet person times ten toes person, so what if I became a little, um, excited then, hmm? Besides, more than a few people "accidently" toe tapped me back while I was squatting just in front of them, so?"

"LOL, I just wanted to hear you say it, Berri Cuda! Oh, my couple of toe taps were, well, you're cute, short stuff and you were right there!"

"And of course, your toes were the best! Well, your whole crew was a tie, so?"

"Hmm, nice save, Berri Cuda! And we might let you hang out near our spot going forward, but you need to explain something to me, since you over explain literally everything all the time anyways, so, hot short stuff, in five words or less, why does electricity flow at nearly the speed of light then, hmm?"

"Oh, well, that's actually a catch-22 trick question, Natalie, but since a piece of wire or other conducting surface cannot and will not change its physical size in general terms due to the flow of electricity, the exact moment that one new electron begins to enter the confines of a piece of wire or other type of conducting surface, a corresponding electron is forced out of the other end in perfect harmony. And then the catch-22 trick is that the new electrons don't really move all that fast, but one has to be forced out as soon as another is entering, hence, giving the appearance that electricity moves at basically the speed of light, all in natures wonderful world of physical harmony. Also, multiple my claim of one extra electron by about a bazillion."

[Internet search, ahh, well, close enough for babbling purposes, ah, sure]

"Well, who are you trying to make jealous tonight then, Berri Cuda during the hunt for a family of river otters swimming in harmony then, hmm?"

"Oh, maybe Hector, maybe, Hector, maybe. I stole a kiss forward with him and he didn't object, but he hasn't reverse stolen a kiss back yet, so?"

"Well, have you tried a little less explaining of things, like literally everything, Berri Cuda or at least tried getting out of truck once in a while? Anyways, since we have to escort your volleyball butt to the river walking bridge, do you have any extra flash lights then?"

Like I would go out in a preppy goth outfit without a few flash lights!

"Wow, it really gets dark over the river after sunset, doesn't it, Berri Cuda? Do you want me to lift you up over the bridge railing so you, tee he, can see all of crisscrossing flash light beams, tee he?"

"Oh, you know, Natalie, the sun never ever sets or rises. The earth either rotates into the sunlight or away from it and I used to have the cheer teams skirts and sweaters dry cleaned and for some reason, no has ever asked me to a picnic down at the Picnic Point, so?"

"OMFG, Berri Cuda, well, everyone knew about you being the laundry expert for the cheer team and half of the football players wished you had slipped on a skirt once in a while, but try this, say "hi" and nothing else."

"Hi."

"Perfect!"

"Well, "high" is a relative term used by people who use drugs or..."

"Stop! Say "hi" and shut it. Forever!"

"Hi."

Well, people don't get high when they..."

"Ahem! You're babbling to the air, Berri Cuda!"

"The Barracuda has long been thought to be the fastest fish in the..."

Well, Natalie punched me out, but that was better than getting shot from the pistol that Martha had strapped to her ankle.

"Hey, hey, you punched out my mythical beast investigation date then, Natalie? WTF?"

"Ethan? You? A bad boy arranged a jealously date with little Berri Cuda?"

"Well, just for a couple of blow jobs and maybe a piece of ass, I mean, oops, I promised a blueberry banana swirl Frosty Icy and ta, da, [produces a Frosty Icy drink] as promised, well, damn, this isn't working out for me, so."

[Elbow round house, pow]

Well, at least I laid down next to Ethan for a minute or two since Natalie elbowed him out too! Also, I tried on a cheer skirt many times, just not on the football field.

[Gentle face slap, gentle face slap]

"What, where, when, the crust of the far side of the moon is twice as thick as the light side of moon, what?"

"Sorry, Berri Cuda, um, Ethan is out of the picture now, so, get up and let's go find Hector amongst the sea of crisscrossing flashlight beams then, shall we?"

"Most countries refer a flashlight as torch and..."

"Ahem!"

"Hi."

Oh, we found Hector alright! With his arm around his ex, ex, ex, ex, girlfriend! But in my favor, they had to share one torch and it was a cheap one that kept going blitz, blink, blitz, blink, blitz.

[Booty hip bump]

"Whoa, females have such appealing booties half because of shape and configuration of their hip bones that have evolved for child birth and it only looked like I was being naughty at Jason's party last winter, oh, Freddy, what's happening then, hmm?"

"Berri Cuda, it's good to see you, way down there, so, are you enjoying the geek fest and you know, is gravity real, LOL?"

"Oh, gravity is real alright, Freddy and you can prove that with literally any object by lifting it and then releasing it and some guy named Ethan is a jerk and then some other guy named Hector is a jerk and I will admit that I actually wore a bikini bottom under my swimming trunks last summer when we all went canoeing and those bikini bottoms were tropical sunset orange with wavy stripes of brown and red, even though there is such thing as a sunset, it's popular with the people and I didn't peek them to you because you asked me to peek you what undies I was wearing and even though bikini bottoms and undies are extremely similar, they are not the same thing and I still have those bikini bottoms and the matching top, but I sleep in normal bikini style undies and..."

"Ahem!"

"Hi, hi Freddy, um, I'm embarrassed that I just had to roll around a little bit on the walking bridge in a spilled blueberry banana swirl Frosty Icy while I was knocked out and I'm a little sticky in a couple of places, but I've never been in such of a sticky situation that I couldn't..."

"Ahem!"

"Hi, Freddy, I could use an escort to creek offshoot water thingy so I could wash up a little bit, so? And by the way, Freddy, is it a creek or a crick because once I dreamed that I was washing my hands in a creek on my hands and knees and then a shadowy figure approached me from behind and..."

"Ahem!"

"Hi, Freddy."

Well, never in my life has anyone ever taken my hand like and led the way, which I happily followed.

[Mwah, ummah, smack]

"Oops, that was three, Freddy! It has to be even! Every action has an equal reaction and..."

[Mwah, ummah, smack, oomph]

"Oh, oh, Freddy, I think some of spilled Frosty Icy is on my shorts!"

"So, we should remove them then, Berri Cuda and rinse them in crick. Or something."

[Mwah, ummah, smack, oomph]

"I lie about being sexually active, Freddy and it is creek. Crick is slang for creek, even though they are both totally acceptable here in the south..."

[Mwah, ummah, smack, oomph]

"Hi, Freddy."

[Flappy lips begin to quiver uncontrollably]

"LOL, go ahead, Berri Cuda, I can see your cute lips starting to quiver, LOL."

"My favorite selfie is that of me in the hallway in those jammies and with that morning hair and with my left leg crooked back against the hallway wall and with that morning smirk on my face while holding that breakfast bar is such a manner and although it was clearly not a true selfie, it was not a guy who took that photo, but the truth is that I didn't get lucky with Cassandra and I'm still batting zero with the human race, other than my stolen kisses, body rubs and embraces and other than my own and all of the dix pix that I receive on my Chang homepage, I mean, I don't even really know what another one looks or feels like and since I'm like the size of the planet earth compared to the size of the sun, I mean..."

[Mwah, ummah, smack, oomph, smooch, smack, smooch, mwah]

Well, I mean, I never saw a situation in my mind where I dropped my shorts in public, let alone next to the creek, so, fooled you! There were way to many crisscrossing flashlight beams lingering around, but the creek did offer a few hidden spots, so I may or may not have dropped to my knees, which I totally did because Freddy and I both totally agreed that I needed some sex so I would chill out a little bit, even though the way we did was more like myself putting sex on him, but it's not like I hadn't ever thought about it or practice it or watch videos on Chang about it and since I was so worked up and since Freddy had become so worked and oh boy, do I ever mean that he worked up and he was a real man, yet gentle and forgiving while I tried my best to claim the crick as our spot and I wouldn't even be mad if word got around to Ethan the jerk as well as Hector the jerk and whoever flashed that photo from the other side of the crick, I mean, be jealous and find your own creek and while you're at it...

End Berri Cuda 01