All Comments on 'Betrayal'

If you are writing multiple parts, please warn the reader before you just stop the story for now. You write well and the story flowed well, there were some time jumps but life really feels that way sometimes.

A good enough intro, but I get the sense that this story was building up to something and then it was over. His calmness at coming home to the betrayal only lead him to asking for an introduction. Then a couple of musings about DNA and uneasily living together leading to an inevitable talk about divorce. Oh, and by the way it looks like it will be cloudy today. This guys life is so bland and boring it all just melds together. Was there anything in life that this guy could get excited about? No wonder she cheated.

Rushed and incomplete ending took a lot away from an otherwise ok story.

4* for being unfinished and short.

As most of the comments suggest this needs a finish. Easy to see you are new to this site. Get to it and finish the story. Do not leave your readers to finish what you should

So finish this short introduction where’s the rest of the story????

I think you should finish it.

A typical plot line but just too abreviated. Sort of a half story.

Here's some advice.

Half this story is the history of their relationship. Over-describing a couple's romantic/sexual history is an error most writers in this category make; unless the eventual antagonist is part of that story, which is very hard to do without telegraphing the eventual conflict, it's irrelevant and wastes time. History can also be relevant if it highlights aspects of one of the characters that will become important later (e.g. a disposition to cheat, an upbringing deformed by a parent's infidelity, a predisposition to jealousy or a hot temper, an event that damaged someone's ability to trust others, a childhood spent being passed around between foster homes, etc.). Otherwise, ask yourself why a reader would care; if you can't answer that question, it either doesn't belong in the story or needs more and better development. In this story, you've given us no reason to care at all; the couple's history isn't particularly interesting and has zero bearing on the outcome.

Like most men who write in this category (and i'm assuming by your username that you're a man) your female character is a contentless void. She's a name and a plot device, but she's not a person. She has no existence outside the fact that she's a girlfriend, sex partner, wife, mother, and eventually a cheater. This lack of characterization is always a problem, but it's even more of one here because we have no idea why she's cheating. The story here is: man comes home early, discovers his wife having sex with someone else, and it leads to an off-the-page divorce, which you dispense with in a few emotionless paragraphs. But why is she cheating? With who? How do either of them feel about it? What in their relationship led to this outcome? Did they do anything to attempt reconciliation? Did she admit that she's in love with the other guy and wants a divorce? Did he vow to destroy her life for cheating on him? You've given us no reason to care about anyone involved, which means you've also given us no reason to care about the cheating *or* the outcome.

"I took the boat to the middle of a lake, caught a fish, and brought it home." That's a story, and it's a complete one, but it's certainly not an interesting one. Neither is "I caught my wife cheating and we're probably going to get a divorce."

why wouldn't you talk about divorce after you watch him leave. His wife thought he would fight the man fucking her in your bed. Nope just a pussy coming home to his wife getting banged.......

Congratulations on your first story. It was interesting, but I am like the others and want more. Best to you and don't worry about the haters, write for yourself and others will follow.

Feedback.

Nice first try, I sincerely hope you keep writing.

Some pointers...

A writer writes to get and provide pleasure, and he (or she) does that by creating emotions. You create situations and use them to generate those emotions. You created a distaste for the way your main character was treated by her family, and you didn't use the wealth she got to show your readers a strong (and expected) reaction agaist her from her siblings.

This site (literotica) has a very good "how to" section, and I suggest you read it. It will be very helpful, as I think you have shown real promise.

“Gerri and I talked almost every day, sharing the music we were listening too. I took it for granted that she was doing the same; she told me that she never went out.”

More then likely Gerri was going out on him she just wasn’t being honest with him at the time.

Recent research that come out now says that women are more likely to cheat than men. Science has discovered that women struggle more than men when it comes to staying faithful in relationships. The view that it’s mostly men who cheat because their partners lose interest in sex is outdated. Science says that it’s actually women who struggle more with monogamy because they Women lose interest in sex with their partners the longer they are in a relationship. Women crave sexual variety ( ie new sex partners) and while some stifle their desire, others will be unfaithful.

The new research is correcting false notions that women have lesser libidos, that women are more naturally monogamous and that it’s easier for women to partner for life. The new research explodes several of our most dearly held notions about female infidelity: that women cheat only when they are unhappy in their marriages; that unlike men, they seek emotional connection, not sexual gratification; and that women just ‘stumble’ into affairs Women don’t like sex less [than men] — but they do get bored of sexual sameness ie sex with the same partner while in a long term marriage or relationship. Doesn’t matter how supportive, attentive and how great the sexual prowess of the long-term relationship partner: women eventually get bored of sex with the same partner.

Research discovered that men who have regular sex with their partners are more satisfied sexually, and with their relationship, though it is not the same for women. Now, sex researchers are entertaining the possibility that women simply need variety and novelty of sexual experience more than men do. In other words….Men are very good at wanting what they already have…..Women NOT so much.

Just remember guys, you're just a placeholder in a woman's life until she gets bored with you.

Not finished

Too short. Music was not needed as 95 percent if not more have no idea who they are.

You stopped at the interesting part. Story was full of extraneous info, but then you end story when it might be worth reading.

Umspent more time on your warning to commenters than on the story

Writing was good, with no major problems (yea Google Review). For some reason, I didn’t develop an emotional attachment to any of the characters. One result of that is I didn’t much care if they divorced or not, so the ambiguous “ending” didn’t bother me at all. That said, you’d likely profit from reading/analyzing some of the better LW stories (perhaps ignoring Todd172, whose wonderful stories are often not really LW).

Nice writing and premise. I look forward to your next effort. Some constructive criticism because I think you are wort it - what you have written falls short of a story. I would categorize it as a scene that would lead into a story.

Not bad. But finish it please and don't make him a wimp.

I hate unfinished stories. Just shows the author is lazy. It seems to be happening more and more though.

One of the problem with not finishing the story and giving permission to finish it is Many never see the finish. Wether it is timing or change of the title the original reader never gets to see a finish to the story. I might add there are many who do not like unfinished stories. We do not have the time or what ever to envision the end plus it is only ours.

Okay, theres nothing 'wrong' with what you did give us, but to the point of several other commenters, at best its 'incomplete'. Also, know your audience...this is an erotic stories website, yet you've given us a very 'reader's digest' type of story. This could have been so much better if longer and more details ....keep trying.

Kind of useless. Man thinks he has good life, man catches his whore wife cheating, man does nothing. He doesn't even seek answers. What's the point?

FTDS and I’ll assign a score.

Nice start but the. The story just stops. Pointless if you don’t write the rest of the story.

It's one of those chain stories.

The next line is:

"We can't get divorced, because I would have to fill in a form and leave 'husband's name/' blank. Do you know how stressful it is being married all these years to a man with no name? My parents don't know how to refer to you on the phone and when people ask me what my husband's name is I have to say "I don't know." It's all your fault, this damn secrecy has driven a wedge between us."

Well, maybe the slow burn is a good starting point. He did not yell or really do anything. Have no idea just how long they kind of stayed around "in the short term" means. What will they do next?

like it evolve it further

I agree with the rest : not finished.

If you remove the last sentence, you could, potentially, leave the rest to the reader's imagination but the last sentence made it blahh...

Otherwise a very good story and well written.

4*.

Good start, but giving a hint of the "why" would help anyone wanting to follow your story

I thought that it was well written, and I was not particularly bothered by the abrupt, open ended finish. I know that you will get a lot of flack (and low ratings) from the many LW readers who like things neatly wrapped up, but don't let it scare you off. If you are going to be an LW writer you'll always have readers who will vilify you when you don't end the story the way they would like. I liked the way that hubby confronted his wife right away instead of running away as so many of the protagonists are wont to do. There are many themes to explore. Please, just don't do another variation of "February Sucks". 4 stars.

Was not a bad story but everything happened too quick. ***

Trying to be constructive, this isn't a finished story, it is more like the story of 'The Lady or the Tiger'. This is really the setup to a story.

They never even talk, he catches her cheating, and they don't talk, they basically spend 2 weeks not talking and then are talking divorce.

The couple kind of reminds me of the bored married couple in a British program,where they don't talk and just sit there. The wife goes to leave, has her bags, and he just looks at her go .

The story needs emotion in it. He at least could ask why, and if she had done this routinely. She never once says why, never explains anything, and to be honest neither seems to care. She cries is about the sum of it.

Stories are about ppl and emotions. Even if your plan is to let ppl decide the ending, it needs to be deeper than this ( personally I prefer stories that end, or at least set the story where an ending is in sight).

The other part of why this feels shallow is you spent a lot of time on how they met and the build up then the actual conflict was short.

The writing was structurally decent but it needs a little more description and color to it to make it come alive.

Ok.....I want to write a story.

Met in college......................check

Started screwing.................check

Got married afterwards......check

Had a couple kids...............check

Kids are growing up............check

Came home sick..................check

Found wife fucking..............check

Contemplating divorce.......check

There's more to a story than checking off all the squares. Thanks for the effort but get an editor and I'm sure they'll help out with the next contribution.

I understand this is your first story but at least finish it. You had a good storyline going but then it felt just incomplete and the whole story was brought down. Please finish it and reedit it.

You have a good effort, considering it is your first. I’ll take you up on your invitation for constrictive criticism—it will probably be worth exactly what it cost you but here goes.

You did pretty good developing your characters, the wife much more so than Hubby—I don’t think you ever gave him a name, which ‘ain’t’ all bad but I think it would have made him more realistic.

You took Gerri from being a loving wife to being a cheating wife in one easy step—that just does not compute. Lead us readers through the steps where she becomes dis-satisfied with her sex life with Hubby. Was it a long time in developing thing, or did something like maybe her girlfriends bragging about their life create doubt about just how good sex with Hubby was—was she missing out on something…?

Then in the last two paragraphs you have them circling each other like two dogs who can’t decide whether to fight or not. It was here you ask pertinent questions that really should have become at least another full page of story.

I’d really love to read a reworked version of this one. Good luck with your writing. cd

Start to bad its not finished but the husband in this like all the rest is a wimp he should have kicked the asshole ass.

Not even 1/2 a story....

I enjoyed your story, but feel compelled to give you some constructive criticism. LW can be a very tough category for a new writer because the critics here are brutal. So, I provide this criticism with good intentions. First, I like your writing style. It flows nice and it's easy to read. Having said that, on to the criticism. My impression of your story might be colored by my prejudice against short stories. I hate them. They leave much to the imagination of the reader and stop short without fully exploiting all of the characters. While I like your story, it suffers from the same shortcomings. The reader never really gets to fully understand the mind of the wife. There is no resolution. There was so much that we could have read and appreciated about the characters and the plot. Some authors and readers enjoy this genre and they use it as a writing mechanism because in the end, they want the reader to imagine all of the gaps of the writer. But I hate that. My suggestion is that you go back and write a Part 2 in which you fully explore your characters. What motivated the slut wife to cheat? Was it the husband's shortcomings, was he lousy in sack? Where does the couple go from here? How does it end? That's my two cents, for what it's worth to you. As I said, you are a good writer and this was a good first effort. But there's so much more to be said about your characters.

Finish the story!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Great story, very believable short and to the point. Would of liked a little more to be honest, or a sequel would be even better. Looking forward to reading more of your writing. Thank you for sharing your talent.

I rather _like_ the ending, sometimes it's better to leave things for the readers' imagination.

Well, I didn't dislike it. More background than anything else. A generous 3 stars for a story with no conclusion.

A good start . must have have a separation and an ending

A long buildup leading nowhere.

You were doing well. People do get frustrated without a finish.

A joke: what do you get when you cross a monkey with a grub worm?

See?

Not a bad first effort, but like a 750 word story..

I liked it. The ending was interesting but kind of refreshing. It was abrupt, but so was the sudden discovery of betrayal. Therefore, the reader gets that unsettled feeling of a future unknown, and becomes a partner with the husband, both left to wonder. Bravo!

Also, the 80's rocked!

I would suggest a part two

First story!

4

Not bad, but LW groupies want ALL the detailed blood-n-guts or they will crap on your rating.

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You robbed the LW groupies of their Hallmark moment of did he BTB or RAAC? LW groupies have little in imagination even though you telegraphed the ultimate end - divorcing the CHEAT. But what revenge did you do upon the short little man escaping the house?

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The kids (especially Rachelle) already knew Gerri was getting a wondering eye but were hoping she was wrong.

\

But now comes your horrible self-analysis as what did you do to drive Gerri into another mans dick? What did you do wrong; eventually after enough self-loathing you will discover you did nothing wrong. The problem with the modern women is in her female co-working peers that brainwashed her. They regaled her about how she deserves more that your old dick. She was told how glorious and self satisfying some strange shall be - never letting Gerri use any of her common sense. Gerri bore the children, Gerri sacrificed a promising career (maternity-FMLA and child sick days), she was the house servant for all those years, under appreciated, and taken for granted - anything you went through will never compare, as you're JUST a man a husband shouldering the burdens of family needs - YOU CONTRIBUTED NOTHING.

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4****, Hooyah, salute... very good for your 1st

Really nice short story. Good job.

Ed

far to abrupt ending and where is the remorse, the pain the misery she hopefully endures.

Where is the crushing soul destroying revenge on the piece of crap guy knowingly with a married women?

no far to abrupt

You need a part two. Whether they stay together or go their separate ways, you will have a segment of commenters who will rip you to threads about how you end it.

The little lame BTBers are particularly vicious.

I think you accidentally omitted all of the interesting parts.

Pretty good for a 1st story. I liked the way you ended.

Liked what is written but missing the rest of the story

WTF? Do something!

Nice go for first time, will be my only comment as I don't take well to threats, namely.your first part stating you will remove anything you consider non constructive, I may see it as constructive you may not, who's to say. For that point, the ending sucked for me, was expecting more, another page, also I found the monolog something lacking, emotion to draw a reader in would be a start. The talking was all one sided she was referred to as a third person for most if not all. Glad to see you using speech marks many don't. Some say the ending is great, but I think the ending is the heart of the story and leaving it hanging is a let down. Unlike some who found the ending refreshing, maybe FTDS might be able to help his endings were brilliant.

That said the story was well written, now you have used a very old non original story its time to write your own and let us see how well you can write and imagine.

And then?

nice first effort - it resonates as real, not over the top like many other stories here. in that vein though, the narrator is far to calm to be believable. is he hurt? is he angry? did he cry or rage? on his end, he was too logical and clinical - it didn't fit in with the rest of the story. i agree with others that there should be a part 2. again, a good first effort

Will there be more to the story?

Great set up. Looking to see the various sequels…

Needs continuing.

I mean ... it's okay. There's nothing particularly wrong with it, except it lacks a whole lot of follow-up.

Like the guy below, i'd also suggest a part two.

I guess it could have been worse. The plot was: a husband caught his wife committing adultery. That's it. We don't know anything of interest or relevance to that plot. We know something about their courtship, their marriage, their children, their jobs, and maybe the music they liked? But NONE of that had anything to do with why the wife decided to commit adultery. And the story ended without any resolution of what the adultery meant for the spouses, the children, or their lives going forward. So, . . . why did you write this story? What was the point? Let us know when you figure that out. Thanks for the effort?

Please this tale .. LP

CrazyDaveTrucker60about 7 hours ago

I would suggest a part two

Ditto

About comments. Many commenters seem angry, their words are harsh. So what? You write clearly and your story is fine, I like abrupt endings. If someone else doesn't they should write stories. BTB will get you higher scores, if you desire higher scores. I try to remember my real name is not 012Say and any negative comment to said moniker can't really hurt. I find the negative comments, if I filter the anger are often helpful. My first story, The Cupid Bureau, is still my favorite and has the lowest score of any I have written. Know what you set out to do and see if the comments say you did it. A great effort, and a 5 from me.

To not demand some answers from the wife, and to sleep in a bed without verifying she had not fucked her lover in it, seem unlikely responses from a husband in this situation. The "who, how long and why" questions are clichés exactly because of how consistently they are evoked in the human psyche by infidelity.

Not much of a story, really. Maybe it is the banality of it all that made it so bland...

Fact is, you didn't lie to us, author. It is indeed an old story. The obvious problem is that we've all heard it before.

Good start! You got your foot in the water and the piranhas only nibbled. Some REALLY good, thoughtful comments here: take them to heart. Ignore the one liners. Most of them are the entire contents of the commenter's brain. Good luck on your wending.

LWlurker

agree with the anonymous commentator that called it a good start. I do hope there is a part two, also if it is a chapter story I hope you will tell us how many chapters. I am giving you four stars based on this being the first part, if not three stars.

I gave you a 5. This... the reactions when he finds out, his options, doubt, guiltiness, your abrupt ending... sounded very familiar to me, and unfortunately not because other erotica stories.

I don't know if Loving Wives section will understand this story at all. I know it all falls into fantasy land, like the non-consent ones, but reading some of the comments you've received, many hateful responses acuse you from cliches because you haven't followed their cliches... those that find arousing that your life partner betrays you, not only in the phyisical sense are never going to get this.

Well done. Please ignore your final rating. You did a very fine job!

Not bad, not good. The confrontation was passionless. She cried because she was caught, no questioning her other than wondering if the kids were his. Ho-hum. He doesn’t seem particularly bothered, why should your readers care any more than he seems to?

I'm sorry, but the husband is at fault here.

Why are you surprised she abused your trust?. You can't fault her, she was only being true to her nature.

The expectation of the husband to have faithful wife is toxic masculinity, he should learn about equity in relationships.

@ro707 Re: "The expectation of the husband to have faithful wife is toxic masculinity, he should learn about equity in relationships." - How in the fuck is expecting faithfulness "toxic masculinity?" "Equity in relationships?" I presume the is expecting a faithful husband, isn't it "equitable" for him to expect a faithful wife?

After twenty years, you left a few questions. Was this the first time, Probably not. Who wants he? How long have you been fucking him? What did I do to cause yes situation? Or did I? Where do we go from here? There are too many questions and not enough answers. I think if you don’t kick her to the curb she has years of make up sex for you even anal. There are no closed holes anymore.

@ro707 how in the world is expecting someone to uphold their marriage vows "toxic masculinity?" If the sexes of the characters were reversed would you have argued, "...he was only being true to his nature. The expectation of a wife to have a faithful husband is toxic femininity, she should learn about equity in relationships"?

How 'bout this type of 'equity': If either partner doesn't want to be monogamous, don't vow to be so. If you decide you want out, end the marriage before cheating. Husband, wife, whatever... oath breakers suck.

***Will you finish this story??🤔

To ro707, you’re sorry alright. If we can assume she took a vow, he has every right to expect fidelity. If she told him BEFORE the wedding, then he got what he bargained for and she is not to blame. Equity in relationships mean they are equally honest with each other and they BOTH have a right to expect the fidelity they were promised. It goose and gander babe, can’t have cake and eat it too.

The story was ok, a bit emotionless. We can only hope they have an actual conversation which will likely move them to go their separate ways.

@ro707. I pity your life partner.

You have a decent plot, now flesh it out a little and give it an ending.

Needs an ending

I'll give you benefit of the doubt that you'll finish the story. ⭐⭐⭐⭐

Pretty good first story with a real feel to it. I think his reaction would be a little different. I get the non violent guy but The Who and why are an instant flow of questions and how long . Could’ve been better him standing in door way not saying anything and let them eventually see him . It’s probably half the married people cheat at some point so it’s common.

Nothing wrong with this story at all. It just doesn't go anywhere.

Man comes home early, finds wife bring fucked. Thousands of these on this site. Usually this is just the opening.

If there's to be a part 2 the write should say so. I don't read part 1s because I'll have forgotten it before the second arrives.

So; started very well. That's it folks!

Where is the rest of it ?

Had a good start, and some promise in it...

...now finish the damn story !!!

3 for now... if you find finish it, the score could go up.

EastCoaster

If ro707 was correct, the LW stories list would either be very short or very different.

FTDS

Needs a part 2 otherwise it was very well written

???

It finishes where ever you decide it to finish. Nicely written. It doesn’t need more.

You wasted our time with this news report

Crappy end, very much so. Room for much more story before and after divorce.

No characters here, no story. 2*

Don’t give up your day job.

That's it????? 1*

Looks like you ran out of ideas and still posted this unfinished waste.

good flash story

Finish the story.