All Comments on 'Betrayal'

In the early days, there was a poster of Morton Harket on the wall. When you first realized that you both liked his band was it kind of an "aha" moment for the two of you?

Not a bad first story, but it lacks a bit of "WHY" Gerri must have had a reason, right? I think I'd like to know is a second chapter.

Not a story . More of an outline

No new territory and it DOESN'T finish in my book. Nothing is complete and I prefer my stories complete, not hanging. Unfortunately your 'take" covered no new ground and was surprisingly insipid.

Not much here.

3 stars

God! Doesn't ANYONE write an actual story anymore? This idiotic single page bullshit is getting to the point of imbecilic.

A little on the vanilla side, but a good first submission.

I would have liked to have seen a bit more of an emotional response from hubby, though. We needed to feel his shock, anger and disappointment.

Character development is difficult in a flash story, but a bit of description of the characters wouldn't go astray.

Nevertheless, well done.

Well done and understandable. What a shame to come home to.

A realistic, if somewhat sad start. Probably the way many couples eventually split up; no histrionics, just sadness and regret and eventually, acceptance.

What was there was ok but it seemed unfinished, you just left everything hanging. good attempt though

was that part 1? be prepared ur going to get a lot of those comments lol i mean the writing is good but since its unfinish can't really say too much

Interesting start, but it needs to be finished, not left hanging. Please...and in most cases I believe in BTB without going to jail. Make her suffer and make sure the kids know what she did.. Just a suggestion

Well done on your first story, I know it's always nerve-racking, and to post into the Loving Wives Category, well done!

For me the story moved a little too fast. There were too many events that happened that I would have liked to have known more about. I also usually like to know the 'Why', why she was cheating on her husband. The guy was well dressed. Is there a reason for that? Did they talk about it before the divorce? They started to talk about divorce.

These things aren't mandatory in your story, but it would help us as the reader to identify more with your MC.

Again, well done on posting your first story, I look forward to seeing more from you!

Good as far as it went, which wasn't very far. Will there be more?

Good first.attempt, but needs fleshing out and to be continued. I think you have the talent, but need to just write more.

Wasn't bad, but your own pre-story comments were sadly accurate. Nothing original here, and the story leaves out quite a bit of detail (one-time thing, had always been unfaithful, somewhere in between, etc). The narrative flow and descriptions hold some promise, but this feels like an incident that is part of a story, not a story by itself. I am not opposed to stories that let readers imagine their own ending, but this story also expect readers to imagine what has already happened as well. Hard to imagine what could happen to this couple if I don't really know what already happened. So, yeah, unsatisfying.

Started out well but just got big of a hurry to end it. Please keep writing . Thanks

Good story. Much more like real life than the dramas we read here every day.

It's that the end? Because it feels like there was barely a beginning.

Excellent!

Keep on writing! I dig your style.

FTDS

It started well but the conclusion was, for me, disappointing. After being married for so long they should have been adult enough to discuss why she did it, how did they meet, how long it had been going on and if a divorce was on the cards. He might also have considered telling the kids. It just didn't seem finished. Writing was good and only one minor mistake - "sharing the music we were listening too"- should be "to". Keep writing - you do have something.

Unfinished. 2 stars. Good otherwise. Keep writing.

I am having difficulty rating and commenting on a short claiming to be a story!

Ok buddy..ur a first time

Writer …so my simple advise to you is to write a story…not a penning of your thoughts especially if they are incomplete! Reading what u have written makes me feel foolish that I allowed u to lead me down the garden path!

Story better next time!!

Half a star for half a story seems appropriate. Has the basis of a potential story but quitting at the beginning is not a good way to earn praise or recognition. I feel most readers will only experience disappointment at this mere vignette that claims to be a story. I hope the previous comments you refer to pre-story were better than this attempt at a story!

well that was the first half of the story..... Could have used more emotional dialog. You need to ask and explain why...

And now?

Wow! This os quite realistic.

I look forward to what happens next.

mmm really went no where. feels unfinished

It's all over at that point. The only thing left is divorce.

He'll never have trust in her again. And she obviously doesn't respect him any more.

It's all over except how to divide assets and tell the kids.

All too common when one spouse thinks she/he can stray and won't get caught. You always eventually get caught out.

Your first story and like more and more authors include a threat in the beginning. Just delete rude comments without writing about it. You are right. Nothing new and unfinished. Gave you a 2 for the threat.

Is there more to come?

Well, a reasonable outline for the first 2 or 3 pages of a longer story. I'm not trying to discourage you, because the writing is rather good, but this is both very incomplete and rushed. I'd like to know more about what happened on the day he discovered his wife's infidelity and then the weeks that followed. 3*** ; it could have been much better.

This an outline for a story not a story. Why make the husband so unemotional and nonconfrontational? Leads to a very bland story.

Please give the readers more to care about.

no story waste of time

While I thought that some background on why she risked her marriage and why compound that risk by bringing her paramour to the house/bed she shared with her husband, overall, I thought it was a good first effort. One should take into account I am speaking simply as a reader, since I never have written anything.

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I hope you continue to write and post your work. For that reason, I will follow you.

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Pasqual

I smell divorce since neither is apparently interested enough in the giant elephant in the room never mind resolve anything or exhibit emotion

The "story" is not finished. The background to why the wife cheated is not there. If you are going to write a story like this at least give us some idea why the wife cheated.

Good beginning. Definitely could use more story.

3* Had it not been your first story it would have been a 2* It felt like a "starchy or stiff" overview of a marriage of 20+ words in 750 words...with no real conclusion or how the wife got there.

An interesting beginning to a sad, but common, sadly, story of betrayal.

sad story,without any emotions 1*

Not bad, but too rushed. It feels like a bit of a story. Lots of history and build up, then it's over -- all with no emotional impact. Did the daughter know? Or care? It can easily be finished there, but it's unsatisfying. Keep writing, but try to flesh it out more. Thank you for sharing and being brave enough to try!

It's a promising start and a very good first attempt (if a little cliched but you pointed that out at the start). It seems a little rushed and can definitely be fleshed out with the details you have here

Like to see how this plays out

This extremely short story leaves me wondering who is the intended audience.

There's no character development, no message behind the story and no cute irony in the ending. It isn't erotic. There's no cuckoldry. He finds out, it doesn't apparently continue and they head for divorce shortly after. There's no reconciliation. There's no burning of the bitch nor the bastard.

Maybe I missed something, but it leaves me feeling there's not enough here to make a story worth reading.

Nice story, could have been a little longer. AAAA+++

Excellent story, please write another chapter. You write very well. Gerri and her master hopefully pay, big-time. Please write more!

I am by no means a btb fan but this is as anticlimactic as it gets. One can barely call this a story. I often bitch about HDK's lack of falling action and resolution but he is a master weaver of the literary arc compared to this. Jesus.

Welcome to a writers hell In this section lol

Not meat, not fish! So what do you want to tell us with this story? That he's a little slow mentally? Or that she's a cheating slut and he accepts cuckold status? You have forgotten the essence of a story, what and why and with whom, the reactions and consequences in your story. I advise you to think about a supplement!

No real ending, a lot of back story that wasn't necessary, then it just ended. Too many writers on this site do what you just did, did you get bored with your own story?

Needs an ending.

Good start to a story. It needs and deserves much more. More emotion, more reaction, more consequence. It falls into the British stereotypes of the unsuspecting husband just taking it and having almost 0 reaction at the moment of betrayal.. like, come on dude, you catch her fucking another man in your bed, and you continue to sleep in it with her?!

I suspect you received a few snarky comments by now so I'll try to keep this one constructive.

When you said it was finished, it's really not. You don't have a whole plot here; you have a vignette, a scene, a one-off about some characters. And these are characters we don't really know, because we've spent almost no time with them or gotten to care about them.

I know there is a trend for 750-word stories lately but they are hard to do justice (for the same reasons I just mentioned) and I think if you look, you'll see that reflected in reader scores. Even veteran authors with big followings don't stick the landing on short tales in this category very often. It's just not enough time to lay out a tale most of the time. Also for your story, the pace is lopsided, and off. This one you wrote is about 1600 words. That would be about five pages in a standard paperback. Around 1K of it is spent in the build-up and history, and about 550 on the pivotal event, which would be less than two book pages. Not only is that the opposite ratio of what it probably should be (2/3 story should be spent on the event and fallout, not the background), it is very short. There are exceptions but LW stories tend to do score best and pick up followers when they are 3-5 Lit pages or roughly 9-15K words.

How should you spend that time/those words? Make the characters someone the reader cares about. Here you have the classic "come home early" betrayed spouse. Okay, it fits the category and many stories with that theme score well. But we barely get to know the guy before it ends. No emotional impact, or very little. No "why" the wife did this. No in-depth look at how it hits him or how he starts to recover from the feelings (yeah believe it or not, people want *some* feelings--rage and scorn are emotions, too). The betrayed spouse's recovery is critical, whether it is a BTB or just moving on with a better life. Because (as you said) the plot isn't anything original, you better make the reader care about and invest in the character--also known as "the hook." Otherwise, they have nothing to keep their interest. We didn't get that here and it felt rushed to the end.

You can do what you want. I know it's daunting to post, to put yourself out there, and the readers here can be savage with stuff they don't like. But unless you structure your stories a little better, your scores will probably be capped in the low-threes, no matter how much red meat (cheating wives) you throw the reader base. Hope that helps.

Look this site is littered with how tos. You need to read them if you are going to write and publish here. What you put together, although cliched, had potential but you needed to add meat to the bare bones you presented. You didn’t even try.

Read up on how to structure your stories, pick a genre and go for it.

Get an editor, and a proofreader or two, listen to their advice, rewrite and go for it.

In no time at all you will turn out a decent story that has a proper structured beginning and an ending that entertains.

You write for yourself, yes, but you are publishing here for our entertainment for without fans to enjoy what you write your stories mean nothing.

A good start, now do better.

Good luck!!!!

Good start, hearing more of thier continuing journey would be better, but while a little short on emotional exploration of the topic, its a pretty solid start to a longer story. I do understand if you feel its complete as is though.

Needs a conclusion

A good start but where's the story?

sad but well done. more to follow?

Here’s a novel idea!! Finish the damn story!!!!!!

Just like this story, their marriage is over. Oh well. Who cares? This little tale read with all of the emotion of a cookbook. By the way, Google grammar, or whatever it’s called, did okay.

Too bare and emotionless ,needs fleshing out

You need dialogue to have any chance of bringing a story to life.

well, I liked it enough to say continue writing, only suggestion try for more flow it was on the rushed side, and a whisker into the dreaded point form. A good story is like good sex, lots of foreplay, the wam, then the let-down, haha

For a first story, this was not bad. It was the typical LW story with husband catching the lovers and then divorcing. While it was a typical story, I think it needed some more detail in order to be a valid Good Story.

I gave it ⭐⭐⭐ because to me it was a good story for first attempt. I would suggest that you ask for help flushing out ideas and proofing. This site has plenty of people who will help if you ask. You are trying, that is better than those of us who set back and take pot shoots at the stories.

Remember as you read the comments on stories, "They are comments which are a readers opinion. Opinions are like assholes. Everyone has one and they all produce poop." Take mine and all comments with a grain of whatever spice you like and do with them as you feel appropriate.

Keep Writing

JH4Fun

A good introduction to what could be a good story. The hard work is creating the rest of the story. A fragment such as this does not allow us to see and enjoy the art of the author.

I see you're from the UK. so I know some of the conventions are different, but I'm going to give you some pointers in case you set a story in the U.S. We don't capitalize "college" unless it's pat of the name of the school. We don't have "options," we have "electives." The first two bands you put in quotes, the next three you didn't. The latter is correct. Blue Tack is a brand name, should probably be capitalized.

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You can keep the spontaneity of sex by simply stopping birth control. The charts and temperatures only matter if you're having trouble conceiving.

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You waste half the story with meaningless information about how they met, which we KNOW they did, or we wouldn't be here, the cut the story of just as we get to the meat. If there's going to be chapter 2, the title should have said chapter 1.

Although a bit boring, for a first start, not to bad. When a story is about betrayal I would expert more detail and emotions. The betrayal part is only a emotion less conclusion at the end. Dont't give up and I hope to read more stories from you.

Not a bad start for your first story but reading the sore just looked like you rushed the storyline.

Not sure what you were attempting to say with this story. To not even give a name to the main character and to flash over his whole life so quickly gave me no reason to really relate to his feelings of betrayal. Even your main character was devoid of emotion at the time of his betrayal. I thought you had a good basic premise but it needs much more to draw the reader in.

Sentence structure too choppy. Properly placed, compound sentences can add depth to a story. However, placed back-to-back, they become a distraction and disrupt the flow. As for you prologue about finishing, if you aren't going to finish a story then don't write it. 2*

Good story. Seems unfinished as we have no indication why the wife strayed. Perhaps a part 2 and an opportunity to see the husband rebuild his life.

Not much more than an outline for, as you say, a well worn story.

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No emotion at all. Lack of a single conversation didn’t help. Got boring.

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3 *** …. If only to encourage you to give it another try.

No emotion, no engagement. Reads like a cooking recipe. And no ending, so yeah not a great story at all.

You're right, it's not finished. It's a fairly well written beginning, but most of it is set-up for the last couple paragraphs which actually only introduce the betrayal. The how's, why's, and who's were left out of the stories build up and more importantly, what happens next is all left as unanswered questions.

The story as it currently sits leaves me with the feeling of "AND....., So what??" It's like you're telling a joke and leave off the punch line.

welcome to writing here. OK for a first effort. Maybe try to expand on their conversation and what happens as a result. A little unrealistic that he'd just call out and then be OK with no knowing who the guy was. Just brace yourself for lots of haters. Nothing you can do but ignore them.

And.....?

Very good. Is obviously unfinished. Truly hope more is coming.

one fifth of a story gets one fifth of a score

not finished.

Of all the points where you could have stopped...

How can a story be 'finished' if it ends with a bunch of questions? If 'tidying up' means getting just a little bit of closure, then please do so. This one seemed like a 750 word project that didn't quite fit into the 750 words. Well written, but definitely could have been fleshed out. Early on, it seemed like there were some allusions to her being unfaithful, but never a word about it. And your MC, admittedly 'not an emotional man', still could have shown more than 'Oh bother, she cheated, now what?' I highly recommend a chapter 2.

Story needs a little more meat on its bones.

👍

Since you asked for constructive criticism; While you may think the story is finished, you actually only just checked off the first box and a half of the standard LW cheating wife story checklist. Came home unexpectedly (1) and heard your spouse jumping on the bed. Confrontation ensues (0.5) but nothing is revealed.

The writing was fine for what there was of it, but after catching the cheaters, the story stops. I am not one of those that needs every loose end of a story tied up in a bow, but I at least would like to see some kind of response to the conflict. What story exactly are you trying to convey? She cheated? And what? Were you enraged, indifferent, turned on?

Wow. What a story! So intriguing!

Unfinished. Or if it is finished, it's a terrible ending. Man has no spine.

Too short. He wimped out. When another man violates your home and wife, he has to be punished. That's the risk you take and the price you pay. He shouldn't have spent one more minute with her. Divorce would not be a question it is the only answer.

Eighty some comments and many of them not flattering. Hopefully you learned something.

That's really not the place to end the story...

Yes, an unfinished story, where the reader has been told to fill in the huge gap, is not very satisfying. Was the husband a weak and pathetic cuck? Was he simply a doormat? It didn't seem to dramatically affect him when his wife was fucking her lover/FWB in their bed. He did nothing, other than ponder about what he should do.

He simply asked his cheating slut wife, "So what now?" Why doesn't HE make a few decisions? Then he lets the situation meander on for weeks, just asking meekly if the kids are his. Ridiculous. Has he no original thoughts himself? What does HE want to happen?

His response "Why don't you introduce the two of us..." made the story. What a great and classy way to confront a cheating spouse! And, yes, the story is finished. This is not an autobiography; it's just a moment in time when a marriage dies.

I simply say an author without a complete story should not start one and expect others to finish it for them.... that is what FTDS would say as well.

Good story. Thanka for sharing.

You need to finish it!

No real character development.

The pacing is too slow,

You set up no real conflict and there is no passion in the story.

I've seen more passion in an assembly manual for a model airplane.

Congrats on your first post. I would advise that for your future efforts consider where you apply your words. This is short, at roughly a half-page, or 1,600 words, and it feels like 1,400 of those words went to back-story and their entire history together. I'm not one that expects every story here to read like a recipe with every step and ingredient listed, but this spent nearly all its energy on background that was not used to explain their reactions. The vital parts of any good story are the conflict and resolutions that play out, and you chose to stop there. For the zero impact that the backstory had, it was wasted space, and the ratio could have been reversed to 200 words on history, and 1,400 words on WHY the wife betrayed her husband and marriage.

So....the guy never asks any questions. He's owed an explanation. And he needs to see if she's still at it with the guy. He's maybe allowed to be stunned for a short minute. But after that??? And how do you speak about divorce when you have little idea of what happened? Still,the writer did say go on and complete it, eh. Not me, though. But someone has to do it. D