Better Off Dead Ch. 05

He told me not to touch it. He told me that he was the only one who was allowed to touch the green elastic he'd put on my wrist. I could have taken it off, more than once I'd wanted to snap it, to feel the sharp sting that lit my body on fire. I could have ignored his rule, but for whatever the reason. I listened.

On a particularly bad day, when my anxiety had skyrocketed and everyday life had my hands shaking and my breath short and uneven I felt like I had no other choice. I called Raye and asked an uncomfortable question.

"Hey lady," she said in her perpetual chipper voice. "How did you know I was thinking about you?" In the background I could hear Derek watching the game on and really hoped I could pull this off.

"I'm psychic." She laughed and I hoped my own laugh didn't sound forced. "Hey, I have a favour to ask. I think I left something in Eli's car the night he drove me home from your engagement party. Do you have his number? I want to call and ask him to check."

"Oh, he's here, let me get him."

Oh god, I wasn't prepared for that. While I waited, I tried to figure out what to say. I thought I'd have more time to plan it out. The phone shook in my hand and I listened to Raye say, "Hey Eli, Maya's asking for your number, says she left something in your car."

"Hey," he said. "Give me a second to go in the other room, it's too loud in here." I took the time to find some awkward words and practiced them in my head a few times. "What's up Maya?"

"Today is a bad day, a really bad day." The words tumbled out in a long run on sentence, I'm not sure if I even breathed. "My hands are shaking, my heart is racing, I feel like the world is spinning out of control. You said I can't touch it, you said you were the only one who can touch it. I haven't taken it off, I haven't touched it but I need to feel it. I need to feel like that. Please let me touch it."

"Mariah," his voice was firm and deep, just like at the club. It had a soothing effect and I focused in on him. "Breathe. Take a deep breath and hold it to the count of three." I did as I was told and when I inhaled, he counted it out for me. "One...Two...Three. Breathe." We did that three times and my heart slowed down a fraction, but it was enough to calm the waters.

"Please let me touch it."

"Come see me," he said. "It's mine, only I can touch it, so come see me." I heard the game get louder and he called out, "It's ok if Maya comes over, right?" Raye said something along the lines of yes, and Eli moved away from the game. "Grab your things right now, I'm serious Mariah, while I'm on the phone."

I listened, I felt like I would do anything he asked in moments like this. Anything he wanted I'd do if it meant I would feel the pain my body needed. I grabbed my jacket, slipped on my shoes and locked the door behind me.

"Good girl," he said softly. "Come see me and I'll make it better."

I hung up, already feeling a little better. Having him tell me what to do, showing me that relief was just around the corner calmed my storm a little. It scared me to admit, it hadn't been that long, but I already felt like I couldn't do life without him. Whatever you do, I told myself, don't tell him that. The last thing I needed was for him to think I was some crazy psycho....I mean I was, but he didn't need to know that.

Eli was waiting for me outside and met me halfway up the walk. "Show me," he said. Obediently I held up my hand and pulled back my sleeve. Immediately he snapped it one then two times. My head fell back and I took a deep breath, then suddenly I was fighting tears. "Look at me."

I opened my eyes and found him searching my face. He snapped it one more time and I groaned. "I need this so much." It wasn't lost on me that I said need versus needed. The latter implied this was all I needed, but in truth I needed this and a whole hell of a lot more.

"What happened?" I didn't want to answer his question, it was stupid really. I shook my head but he pushed, "What happened, Mariah?"

"I made a mistake at work, one I've made before, a few times. I was so out of it, so in my head and rushing I did it again and my boss got mad."

"What did he say?"

"She, ugh, it doesn't matter what she said. I'm no good at this, I just want to quit my job and become a bum."

He laughed at that, not a deep belly laugh but a light hearted laugh that diffused the situation again. "That doesn't sound as bad as all that." He must have seen the tears again because he snapped the elastic and I instinctively reached out for him, and found myself clinging to his belt. "You'll get better at slowing down and taking your time even if you miss deadlines, right?"

I nodded and he rewarded me with a snap that had me tugging him a little closer. It was crazy how much I needed this man. One more snap had me stepping closer to drop my head onto his chest.

"Put your arms around me." I did as I was told and Eli wrapped me tightly in his arms. "We'll get through this," he whispered the words. "You did the right thing. Always call me, I don't care when."

A part of me loved him for that, but I'd be damned if I ever admitted it.

"Come on," he said, taking my hand. "They're waiting. Just so we have our stories straight, what did you lose?"

"The bracelet she gave me for my birthday."

"Where will you find it?"

"I was thinking I'd just tell her the clasp broke and it slipped off before I got in the car and I found it in the yard."

"Good plan." Eli held the door to the elevator open for me and then followed me in. "Mariah?"

"Yes, Eli?"

He looked serious, the same kind of serious he wore when we were at the club. I was starting to think this was a look, the look, he was reserving for me. "Thank you for listening when I told you not to touch it. I figured you'd taken it off when I didn't see it Tuesday."

I took a deep breath, "It was under my sleeve. I haven't touched it. Not even to move it."

Just before the doors opened he dropped a fierce kiss on my lips. I could get used to those. At the apartment door he must have heard my breath pick up pace because he took my hand and snapped it again.

"God that's addicting," I said under my breath.

"Good," he opened the door. "It means it's working."

"What is?" I stopped him by sliding my hand out of his.

"My plan."

Before I could ask what plan, Eli was telling Raye we didn't find the bracelet.

"I'm sorry," I told her, "I love that bracelet."

She waved a hand and hooked her arm in mine. "Don't worry about it, it's just a thing. We'll get you a new one. Have you had dinner? You look like death. I'm going to get you some lasagne, there's plenty left over."

Soon it was like old times, Raye and I doing our nails, talking about life. Derek and Eli watching the game. Only now I was tuned in to Eli and his every move. He kept looking over and I always found myself looking up and meeting his gaze.

I wanted to know what he meant when he said his plan was working.

I was getting a drink when he walked in and backed me up into the corner of the counter. Pulling my sleeve up he snapped the elastic two times and my body arched into him. It pushed my core and breasts into him and my head fell back. "Green."

I felt him chuckle and looked up to see him shaking his head. "Ask me nicely."

I felt better, being here at Raye's made me feel better, he made me feel better so it was easier to tease him, to play this game of cat and mouse with him. "Pretty please, Eli." My free hand slid up his chest and drew lines across his pecs. "Green, please, all the green."

He obliged me, snapping it over and over until I was putty in his arms and my wrist was red. "I'm driving you home tonight," he leaned over me until I looked up and met his gaze.

"I'd like that."

He stepped away from me just before Raye walked in. My hands fell to my sides and I shook my left arm until my sleeve fell down. She was all smiles, completely oblivious, and that's how I wanted to keep her.

"What are you two talking about?" She'd never think for a moment that we'd do anything like get together. It's like she thought he was gay or something. The question was simple curiosity.

"I offered to drive Maya home, I've got to leave soon and figured it would be easy enough to drop her off on my way.

"That's nice of you."

We said our goodbyes a little while later and walked out in silence, we rode the elevator in silence, got into the car in silence. It wasn't until the car was idling that he finally spoke. "I think if you went home like this, there's a chance you'll have another panic attack."

"You're not wrong," I let out a long sigh. "I don't do so well on my own."

"I'd invite you over, but I don't think either of us is ready for that." He scared me at first, and I was grateful he recognized it was a boundary for me. "I have an idea." Without turning to look at me he asked me a loaded question. "Do you trust me?"

It took me a long time to answer, with a deep sigh I said, "I think so."

"I need you to try and trust me. I think this will be good for us."

Not me...he said us.

"What the hell, let's do it."

There was a small smile on his face when he pulled off the highway. He drove us down an old logging road just outside town and pulled over to the side. "Out you get."

"Why are we here Eli? You're not going to kill me, are you?"

He laughed and gave me a wink before getting out of the car. "Guess you'll have to trust me." When I was standing with him at the hood of the car, he blew my mind. "Pull down your pants, you can leave your underwear on but you have to pull down your pants and lean over the hood."

"Are you kidding me? This is crazy. What if someone drives by?"

He reached out and brushed my hair behind my ear. "It'll be fine no one's coming. Trust me Mariah, I promise it will be worth it."

It was worth it. The second I bent over, my pants around my ankles, his hand came down across my ass and pain exploded upon impact. My gasp was probably heard a kilometre down the road. Eli chuckled.

"What do you want Mariah?"

"More, please Eli, I need more." He gave me exactly what I asked for, more...a lot more. By the time I cried 'mercy' not red, 'mercy', my backside was on fire. I'm pretty sure it was bright red.

Eli bent over my body, his hardness pressing into me and kissed the side of my face. "You didn't say red, Mariah. You're lucky I like hearing you beg for mercy. From now on it's Mercy, Yellow, or Green. Do you understand?"

"Yes, Eli." I whined a little when he pulled me up and I giggled when he caressed my ass when I bent over to grab my pants. "That was a great idea."

"Do you trust me now?" I turned to find him watching me carefully, those beautiful eyes dancing all over my face.

"With this stuff, yes." It was hard to admit but the truth was I couldn't fully trust him. I didn't trust myself. How could I trust him? One day he'd wake up and decide this wasn't for him, that I wasn't good enough for him, and when that day came it would break me unless I held part of me back.

"What don't you trust me with?" He had a knack for getting to the truth of things.

I smiled at him. "We should probably get back, it's a work night."

We drove in silence until we got to the house. Then Eli turned to me, leaned in and tapped his lips. "Say thank you Mariah."

"On one condition, tell me what your plan is."

There was something in his eyes that made me think he regretted saying that, but eventually he shook his head. "Give me your phone."

I didn't think, I just unlocked it and handed it over, I didn't have anything to hide from him. He tapped a few things and then handed it back. "Now you have my number. If you need me, call or text."

"Thank you, for tonight...I needed you."

"I want to hear that more often," his look lit me on fire. "That's the plan Mariah. I want you to need me."

I leaned over, slid my hand around his neck and pulled him in for a kiss. "I think I've kissed you more in the last week than I did in my last relationship."

"Don't stop," he whispered against my lips.