Big U Pride Ch. 06b: Going Clear

This is the second part of Chapter 6, so please read 06a first!

I know some readers didn't like the drug stuff in 6a so I won't be pursuing that storyline anymore!

(FYI No intro scene, sorry fans)

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The next day...

I had to convince Candi to help me take the vibrator egg out of my ass last night. She wanted me to keep it on for days and was going to ask Professor Steele for the password so she could mess with me but she finally relented and took it out of me. That was quite the relief!

I didn't have any classes that day, just another appointment with the therapist Dr. Dickinson. When I got there, I sat on the familiar couch, thinking to myself that Dr. Dickinson's outfit today, a white blouse and slim-fitting black pants, looked really elegant on her today. I liked how it showed off her figure without being revealing.

"So, Brit, how has your week been?"

I thought through all the events, like cheerleader practice, teasing the guys in the gym, and Professor Steele's erotic games.

"It's been...it's been interesting" I said.

"I'm sure it has. Can you tell me about something that you enjoyed?" She walked from her desk to her chair and took out her pen to start taking notes.

"I guess that I liked hanging out with the athletes at the gym."

"Oh yeah? Did you work out with them?" She asked.

"Well, sort of. I kind of, coached them a bit."

"How so? Do you have physical therapy experience? I don't remember reading you ever did sports."

I started to blush, somehow still shy around this therapist who knew so much about me already. "I sort of, motivated them. Motivated them to work out better."

"Is that so? How'd you do that?"

"I used my body...I just kind of showed off my body and let the guys touch me in places...they really liked it."

"You seem ashamed, Brit. This all seems so innocent. What do you think was wrong with what you did for those guys?"

I thought about it, digging deep into my emotions. "I'm not, like, ashamed or anything. I just...even though I've done a lot and my body has changed a lot. There was something different about, like, teasing. Like, I was never good at flirting in high school. And now, with the changes in my body and with this Cheerboi stuff and the outfits...it's easier to flirt. Obviously I used to try and flirt with girls and now I was teasing guys. But they all liked it. It was, like, really easy for me."

"Was it ever easy for you to flirt WITH girls?"

I knew the truth. "I was never good at it, no. I always wondered how some guys found it so easy. Like, how they could just start chatting up a girl out of the blue and, like, get them to laugh and like them and stuff. I always seemed to trip over my words."

"I see. And now, does this scare you? Does it scare you how easy it was to flirt not WITH girls but AS a girl?"

"It kind of did. A part of me really liked the attention. And I admit that it was really, like, hot, in a way. I just worry sometimes...about how I'll be seen."

"Tell me more, Brit."

"I mean, this Cheerboi stuff has been interesting and I've actually felt more accepted than ever. Like, I'm actually popular. It's so new for me. I mean, I'd never imagined hanging out with big deal frat guys and athletes who are gonna go pro. But as a Cheerboi I'm with them all the time. It kind of makes me feel important. But I can't help think, like, am I developing a reputation...as a slut? I mean, it's still kind of weird...I'm a guy...or was a guy...or, I'm not sure. I have a penis, or dicklet or sissy clit or whatever. I just..."

I was stumbling over my words, just spilling out my feelings.

"I just think that it's still new and kind of strange...to be this 'sissy' still with some male parts and like, yeah I'm really feminine now in so many ways and, like, guys see me as a girl. But am I ok with them seeing me just as some slut? Like, am I ok with being seen as something to be used?"

"Fascinating, Brit. You are so insightful. I'm so fascinated that you've been thinking about all this."

"You are?" I asked, confused as to why she would be.

"Of course! I mean, I know we've made a lot of progress together but it seems you're regressing a bit. Lana had told me that this was an early lesson of yours."

"Oh yeah..." I said, shifting on the couch as I remembered one of my initial encounters with Lana when she had us watch Lacey and a man have sex.

"Let's see where the issue is, shall we. You believe a reputation as a 'slut' is a bad thing, correct?"

"I mean, I like...don't think it's a reputation that I want, that's all."

"Ahhh, ok. So do you think if a girl was called a 'slut', it would be an insult."

Everything I had learned from Lana clicked in. "No, it's not an insult. I mean, I know that men sometimes try to make it an insult. But in a way, it really just confirms that a girl has sexual power."

"So Brit, things like dressing provocatively, sleeping around, getting skilled in the ways of handling big cock - these are not shameful activities?"

"I know, I know that they aren't." I said, my training kicking in. "There's power in getting male attention, in providing and receiving pleasure from strong men...I know that sluts are empowered to live that life of pleasure."

"What makes their acts powerful?" She said, knowing how I would respond.

It was instinct by now. "Because submission is power."

"Yes, submission is power. Very good. But you still seem hesitant about having a reputation as a 'slut'. And I think I know why."

I was desperate for her insight. "Why? Even with all the changes I've gone through, I still always feel this underlying confusion. And I can't figure it out."

"It's quite clear to me," she said confidently as she took off her glasses. "You still see things from a distance. It's clear to you that girls who do 'slutty' things, who are called 'sluts' are indeed powerful individuals. You admire them, you like to be around them, you honor their purpose."

"So what's the problem? Why do I still feel embarrassed...ashamed at times?"

"It's called cognitive dissonance, my dear." She said in a surprisingly tender tone that betrayed her normal professional manner. "You have not yet fully embraced your sissyhood."

"But, I got the tattoo and everything! The things I've been doing...the outfits, the makeup, the things I've done with men..."

"Those are all well and good, important parts of your journey. But deep in your psyche, deep in your heart you're just not there yet. You will continue to feel this cognitive dissonance so long as you fail to fully embrace this identity. Your true identity. It means shedding the remnants of your past, about letting go of that old 'self'."

"How...how do I do that?" I asked. A part of me didn't want to know, was scared of shedding that old 'self'.

"I cannot do that for you. You are the only one who can do that. All sissies like yourself will inevitably face a fork in the road, a decision point. If you choose this sissy life, then the rest will fall into place. This dissonance will disappear."

"But wasn't that the tattoo? I chose this life then."

"That wasn't the decision point. That was the commitment. The true decision, the real choice, the shedding of the old 'self' and the embrace of the new, that comes after the commitment. But I know you are close to that point. Trust me."

"Ok, I do, I do trust you."

"But first let me help you with this 'slut' issue. You seem to sense the natural order of things, you know the Alpha males who dominate, the females to make order in your universe, and then the sissies who accept submission as their natural way of life. I know this has become obvious to you and you've accepted this truth. But I sense that you are afraid of giving up control. Is that so?"

Dr. Dickinson was so right. I felt that way with Johnnie and Tate, and even Professor Steele. I let them put me in compromising positions, I did as they asked. But I feared what would happen if I completely gave myself over to their needs.

"Yes. That's true."

"But those moments when you let go, when you let the Alphas take over, when you gave them what they wanted. How did that make you feel?"

"Worried, nervous...it honestly made me scared sometimes."

"How else did it make you feel, when all was said and done?"

I knew the truth. "Relieved...easy...fulfilled. I guess when I do give myself over to Alphas, all the worries and things in life I don't want to think about...they just wash away. Everything becomes simpler."

"Indeed. And it must be strange, coming to college thinking you would get a degree, go get a fancy job with a fancy title, make lots of money. But there's something about those achievements that is different than what you get when you give your body over to an Alpha. Tell me, what is it?"

I thought about it, distinguishing the feeling I got from material rewards, from grades and all the rest. Then I thought about how I felt with Johnnie, Tyreke, Tate...and Professor Steele.

"Purpose...pleasure."

"And can you buy those? And furthermore, how many things in life give you both of those at the same time?"

"No, nothing else like it..." I drifted off.

"So can you imagine a future where you get those, constantly? Where you are filled with a sense of purpose and receive ultimate pleasure from fulfilling that purpose?"

"I can imagine it, yes." I really could, thinking about what it would be like to be with Professor Steele every day, to get that feeling that I get from being around him, every single day.

"Good. I can tell something is changing in you. Let me ask you a question, have you recently received any semen in you?

That was such a clinical way of asking that question, I thought. I had to be honest.

"Yes."

"I can tell. Your complexion, your behavior, it's clear that you've received cum in you. Whose was it?"

"I don't know if I should say..." I didn't know if it was weird if she knew I was with a professor.

"It's ok, this is all confidential. Plus, there's really no wrong answer. So long as the answer is an Alpha male, of course."

"Ok then, it was Professor Steele's."

"I see, I see. And how did you receive it?" Dr. Dickinson asked.

"What do you mean?"

"As in, through which hole?" She asked, as if this was a totally normal question to ask.

"Oh, I, well...my mouth, I guess. I ate it..." I said, feeling awkward saying that.

"Ok then," she said, writing this down. "Interesting." She said, not betraying any judgment or hint of what she was thinking.

I wanted to know why she cared. "Does that matter much?"

"It certainly does explain something about you now. You know when you came in here today you seemed so much more, well, relaxed compared to last time. And I'm not surprised, if you're recently ingested semen. I actually did substantial research on this back in graduate school, it's a particular interest of mine. There have been studies on this showing that exposure to semen can lower symptoms of depression. It's a natural stress-reliever too. It's one of the reasons why going bareback is more satisfying. There are chemicals in semen that actually change your neurochemistry when absorbed. And since you swallowed it, you actually gained many vitamins, like vitamin C, vitamin B12 and zinc. It explains why your skin is also looking more radiant."

"Really?" This was all news to me.

"Yes, and in fact your probably slept so well after that exposure to semen you had. There is melatonin in semen which will help ease your rest. It even lowers blood pressure!"

"Wow, I had no idea." This might be the one time I actually cared about science.

"Oh of course, it's really incredible what sperm can do to a person. And we're only just learning. It's quite a shame to me, as you can imagine, when I hear about girls who spit rather than swallow. They're missing out on all those benefits. And it's not just helping you stave off depression, it's also the short-term effects on mood. There are chemicals in semen that can trigger a release of brain chemicals like endorphins, oxytocin and serotonin."

I had heard about one of those before. "Isn't oxytocin like the 'love hormone'?"

"Well look at you! It absolutely is. It can create changes in your mind that help with bonding to a mate. Let me guess, you have a profound emotional connection to Professor Steele that just seems to be growing more and more, right?"

I couldn't lie. "I do...it's odd, I just feel really connected to him."

"That's the oxytocin! May I ask, have you received his cum in any other holes?"

Even though I felt like I could tell Dr. Dickinson anything, I paused. This was an admission that I hadn't said aloud before. But I knew this was a safe space. "I have."

"I need you to say it, Brit. Tell me."

"I took it...received..." I felt weird saying it like that. I said it in a way I knew. "He came in my ass."

"You know Brit," Dr. Dickinson said. "I don't think the word 'ass' captures how you used that hole for Professor Steele. Is there another way you think you could say that? One that would be more accurate? Remember, there is no shame in this room."

I guess she was right. I thought back to that evening I spent with Professor Steele, where he took my virginity.

"He came in my...sissypussy." I blushed.

"Yes, indeed. And this is quite crucial to the action of his sperm. You see, my research has shown that the oxytocin release is magnified when it's deposited in a pussy - whether a girl's or a sissy's. In fact, I had done research years ago on the Cheerbois and Kappas and what I found from blood tests was that the effect is multiplied in sissies. By a factor of more than 300. Yes, you heard that right. Three hundred times. That means all those chemicals that trigger happiness, pleasure, bonding. All of those were found in quantities 300 times that of regular girls."

She continued her lesson. "Which is really quite extraordinary. You know, it's funny. The male volunteers in that study talked a lot about how the study helped them with their 'blue balls'. It got me thinking about all those Alpha males on campus who were spending precious minutes and hours being sexually frustrated with a full sack, All that semen they had that they'd let go to waste. Brit, do you know how long sperm survives in the human male?"

"No, I don't know."

"72 hours. So if a man's load isn't deposited in a female within 3 days, it breaks down, wastes away. And many of my Alpha volunteers would tell me about how they'd resort to masturbating into tissues to relieve their stress. When I explained this to my female volunteers, they told me that they figured this was all normal and fine. They described to me that when they were on their 'time of the month' or just tired but their boyfriends were horny, they would just tell them to masturbate, to spray their cum in a sock or tissues. They were so nonchalant about it all. But when I told my sissy volunteers, they were aghast. They thought it was tragic that all that semen would just go to waste like that."

She looked wistfully in the distance as she recalled the events.

"Those sissies, let me tell you. They started doing some math, estimating the number of Alphas on campus, the volume of semen they produced daily, and the rate at which they'd deposit it or have it break down. They were calculating gallons of precious potent sperm that was wasted or discarded on a daily basis. They were really something, you would have thought I was talking about a national tragedy if you saw how emotional they got. In fact they were so motivated that they set up a Sissy Finder function on that Cheerboi App you all use, so that any Alpha who was in need of release could find an available sissy to relieve him. And those sissies knew they were getting all those chemical rewards of taking in all that semen. Just think about the endorphin releases they got."

I daydreamed about that, thinking about the mutual benefits that they all got. It was making sense to me somehow, especially since I knew how much better I could feel actually getting a load of cum in me. It was just science, and I knew from experience that it was so true.

"My later research found out other interesting facts." Dr. Dickinson went on. "One, I found that repeat exposure to potent sperm - that is, cum from Alphas only - had multiplicative effects. That is to say that each subsequent load would create a stronger response. It was quite something. I spoke with my colleagues in the pharmacy school. The phenomenon was like the inverse of drug addiction. Where addicts needed stronger doses to get the same effect, sissies would actually get more euphoria from the same amount of Alpha cum. But at the same time, they would develop a similar dependence as addicts, that is to say that they would find that they couldn't go a day without ingesting Alpha cum. I didn't quite understand it and I still struggle to - how sissies would find themselves needing more frequent and more amount of Alpha cum but would also get stronger effects from each, say, 'dose' of cum. It's fascinating science, really."

I nodded, not completely understanding these concepts. Maybe I was distracted from daydreaming about all the cocksucking that must have happened during her experiment.

"And I also studied sissy spermies. When we looked at it under the microscope, we found that there was nearly no actual sperm in it. It was really just like empty ejaculate. And our high tech equipment showed that it had almost none of the nutritional or neurochemical benefits as Alpha semen. In fact, it was mostly just fructose and glucose."

"Fructose and glucose?" I asked. Clearly I was bad at chemistry. Didn't help that I pretty much wasn't getting any real college education these days.

"Sugar, to put it simply." Dr. Dickinson explained. That explained the sweet flavor of the sissy spermies I got from my fellow Cheerbois.

"So anyways, excuse me for being to academic. But this is how I see the world. And all this research has led me to the simple truth about Alphas and sissies. It's as though biology has dictated it to be so, that sissies must serve Alphas. But that it isn't just pure servility, as sissies get all the chemical benefits from Alpha cum. Plus, the psychological ease of submitting to dominant men. The existential relief that they get from just giving themselves up to men is priceless. And speaking of price, that brings up the financial rewards of being taken care of by an Alpha."

This was all starting to sound like a TedTalk, a really convincing one at that.

"So do you understand now why submission truly is power? With all these rewards of submission, sissies like you can enjoy a life that few can."

"I think I do..." still trying to digest all that she had explained. These days I felt like my mental faculties were slower.

"Well, that's enough for one day, time for your shot. This week I'm giving you a higher dose, which also includes your daily hormones. I feel that your body needs a slightly altered formulation to help you deal with these symptoms of shame and hesitation you've been having. I sure wouldn't want that affecting your mental health. This...anti-depressant dose should really help you."

I was so taken by her presentation thus far that I just nodded and stood as she gave me the jab in my ass. What harm could more anti-depressant medication do?

"And don't be surprised if you feel like you have the flu this week. This higher dose can sometimes have those side effects. All normal."

"Ok," I said, barely thinking of it.

As I left her office I saw a picture frame on her wall. It was of several Kappa-sweater wearing girls, though this was probably a picture from the 90s. The girl in the middle was familiar...almost looked like Dr. Dickinson herself.