Blaire and Foster - A New Direction Pt. 03

Blaire

I woke up and Bella was gone, I turned over and saw that it was almost noon and then I noticed her note on the pillow. I felt warmth inside me well up at how sincere she was. She was unlike anyone I had met before and it was odd for me at how quickly we felt comfortable to share so many personal stories and secrets with each other. I mean I had spent many weekends together with Andrew this past summer and compared to Bella, he was still basically a stranger. I had no idea about his past relationships or where he grew up, I didn't even know his favourite type of cheese, which is a topic of huge importance to me. Last night was fun, but it didn't feel the same as the nights I spent with Johnny or Andrew. There was something nice about it, but I wasn't sure it was really what I wanted.

I mean, how could I explain to my parents or my best friend, Naomi, that I was with a woman. I had always been with guys and Naomi and I had even written stories in our teens recounting how our imaginary Russian boyfriends would sweep us off our feet in passionate embraces and then fly us to Paris for sexy weekend fantasies. She and I had met through a church youth group when I was young and trying to find my place. She was still quite conservative. And then there were my parents. I wouldn't even want to go there. My mom and dad have had a plan for me as long as I can remember. They wanted me to inherit my mother's counselling practice, move into our woodsy cottage and raise 2-4 grandchildren for them with my lawyer husband. So far, I hadn't diverged much from their plans for me.

Maybe this thing with Bella is just what I needed to fill the void that I had grown as I drove back from the Conference Retreat, after having let Andrew know that I wanted to call things off. I had jumped into our fling kind of impulsively when he showed up early in the summer, and it got rather serious fast. He had even started talking about us moving in together as soon as I graduated and were no longer a student. I liked the idea of being in a couple. I hadn't really been single for much of my adult life, and I preferred it that way. First was Johnny and my initial attempt at dating during high school, which lasted 3 years and only ended when I took off to travel and explore Europe after grad. I didn't want to be held back from having the full experience of freedom during my trip, and I certainly enjoyed my time over there. A year of 'amour' and exploration, of wine and early morning encounters after late nights on the dance floor. I went to music festivals, tried 'shrooms and ecstasy with hot strangers in at least three different countries. But after returning home to start working, I ended up getting back together with Johnny, who was still at home, studying Computer Science and designing video games in his spare time. He was doing well, and he felt like a safe bet since I knew we already had some sexual chemistry and we liked each other's families.

We stayed together for the next 5 years. We clicked on so many levels but I realized in the last few months, before I met Professor Foster that first time in his office, that Johnny was depending on me for too much, he struggled with anxiety and although I had by then planned to go into counselling, I just couldn't be the one to support him through his challenges. I loved him but started to feel that we might have to part ways and try things out on our own for a bit. Andrew helped me move on. After our first encounter, I realized that I didn't have to take my sexuality as seriously. I could test the waters a bit to see what really worked for me. I liked the power dynamic between us, I had always been a little bit hyper-vigilant, passively in control of all situations, but he made me feel like I could let someone else call all the shots. He was powerful, and assertive. Johnny had never taken control the way Andrew did.

Then came Bella. She had an assertiveness and boldness as well. She didn't mind making the first move and always tried to make it easy for me to jump in. I liked her and her energy a lot, and it was fun to explore my own curiosity about women. Although my family and friends had always known me to be boring, old heterosexual Blaire; I can't say I hadn't wondered what it would be like before to be with a woman. There was a piercer in Barcelona, that had an edgy, gender-non-specific look, who had flirted with me while I got my nose pierced during my wild days in Europe. I flirted back a bit and we did meet up for drinks and kissed a bit on the dance floor. But that was the extent of my own sexual exploration with women. Bella felt like something different though, and I couldn't figure out what.

I decided that I should get my day started, it was the start of classes the next day and I had 4 in a row. Last year of this degree and then I could be free to start working at what I loved. I was tired of studying and not having much extra spending money, so this year couldn't finish fast enough.

Bella

The Fall semester had been whizzing by, it was already Thanksgiving and exams were approaching. It had been a whirlwind- trying to balance the course work, tutoring support that I needed to have any chance in hell of passing the statistics course, and spending time with Blaire. We had very quickly gotten into a routine, we ate lunch and supper together every night, stayed up late on weekends watching movies or binging TV series on Netflix, or planning a Christmas adventure in Las Vegas to enjoy all the greatest buffets and to Iceland that next summer, where we would road trip, hike and of course, soak in the restorative waters of the Blue Lagoon. Everyone on the floor looked at us the exact way I saw us, as a couple. But things hadn't been entirely smooth.

A few nights after the Rez party during Orientation week, Blaire asked if we could talk. I said, 'yes, of course' since by then we were pretty much living transparently with each other I thought. She told me that she enjoyed the night we spent together but realized that things were moving really fast. She was worried that I was more invested than she could be at that moment, since she still hadn't fully gotten over either Johnny or her affair with Andrew. I was glad she had been able to articulate how she was feeling and told her, that I was committed to the long run and in no hurry, that I thought we had a really special connection and didn't want to rush her. I preferred to be with someone who had done their work and were emotionally available.

It had been one of the most open and vulnerable conversations anyone had had with me, and I felt like if she could share that difficult set of emotions with me, then she must really be committed to a long term thing with me, built on a solid emotional foundation too. I still longed to embrace her and hold her close most days, but she only leaned in close to me every once in a while, when we were hanging out in the kitchen or seated side by side at a restaurant counter. If she needed some time to sort things out, I could wait. We promised each other transparency and if anything ever changed then we'd talk about it.

In mid-November, I noticed that more often than not, she changed the subject when I asked her questions about personal stuff. She explained that her last year of courses and upcoming practicum placement were stressing her out a lot, and there was nothing to worry about. Then she started bailing after supper, even if we had a TV series marathon planned. 'I'm feeling tired' was the excuse, but as I was heading to sleep I'd see that she was still active on social media hours after she claimed to go to bed. I was feeling uneasy.

We had taken a trip back to my hometown for the reading week in late October, since she said she loved the beach and had never been to Haiti. We spent a few days with my family in Port-de-Paix and they just adored her. My mother especially, insisted that she had to come back in the Spring when the weather was the best and the seafood was even more succulent. My father forced us to visit many iconic tourist attractions and told innumerable facts about the history of the area. My brother and his family came over a few times to play some board games and have dinner. I managed to book a private cottage on the beach in Labadee for the final two nights of her visit. The first night she avoided the question of having sex with an evasive answer about it being her time of the month. I told her there was lots more we could do, but she insisted, she preferred just to sleep.

I could tell that something had changed but despite having great conversations every day, she wasn't telling me what was wrong. I tried to create a comfortable space for her, telling her I was worried that she wasn't herself and didn't want her to be struggling alone. But she simply told me that nothing was wrong, that she adored my family and had a wonderful holiday. As we were getting ready for bed on our final night before flying back to finish the semester, she got undressed in front of me as she prepared for bed. I could feel my hormones pumping as I looked down at her long legs, and purple briefs peeking out under her waist-length t-shirt. I felt as though the sound of my heart racing and the moisture building between my legs would be unmistakeable as I stood frozen in front of her, not hearing a word coming out of her mouth. I wanted her legs wrapped around me and as I lingered in the doorway, I was jarred back to reality by her words as she pulled on her sleeping pants.

"Is that cool?" she asked, waiting for my response.

"Sorry I missed that, what did you ask?" I mumbled, still flustered by the feeling of attraction that was slowly becoming overwhelming to me.

"I have a friend from the west coast who really wanted to chat, I told him that I would message him shortly. I was thinking that maybe I'd sleep out on the daybed on the balcony tonight, so I won't bother you. We haven't caught up in a while so it might be late," she said nonchalantly, as if it were more of a statement than a question.

"I guess..." I muttered with confusion flooding my face, and before I had finished answering she had taken her pillow and phone out to the balcony and shut the screen and glass door behind her.

I went to the washroom to brush my teeth and stared into the mirror not sure what to think. What was happening? I mean, she was treating me like a friend, and even after meeting my family, and letting me use my travel points to pay for her trip down, I couldn't believe she would brush me off like that. I stood for a long time looking myself in the face. I had never once hidden my love for her, but it seemed like she avoided any discussion or touch now. Was she really still working things out from her past relationships or had she decided that I just wasn't ever going to be more than a friend?

As I walked to the kitchenette to get a bottle of water, I could faintly hear her talking to... Andrew? Could it be, Professor Andrew Foster? What the heck? I liked giving people the benefit of the doubt, she had promised transparency and honesty, so why was she talking to her ex while claiming it was a 'friend'. The sick feeling in my stomach grew by the minute. What was going on?

Blaire

Christmas holidays were in two weeks and I had never been more ready to get out of the city and to my families' cabin in the woods, away from classes and assignments and everything. My emotions were at an all-time low and I really wasn't sure how to get myself back again. It had been an extremely exciting Fall, meeting Bella had given me the companionship I needed when I was trying to get my feet under me after a few complicated relationships. She loved me, like LOVE loved me, and wasn't shy to let me know. I could see the way she looked at me, how she doted on me, how she listened with eagerness whenever I spoke, how she checked out my butt whenever I wore that certain pair of jeans that made it pop, how her eyes sparkled whenever she said good night. I knew she wanted more from me, especially after we had spent the night together in September.

But since then, I wasn't too sure what I wanted. I told her I needed time to figure things out with the emotions that still dangled a little for Johnny and Professor Foster. But then after talking to Naomi a week before my trip to Haiti with Bella, Naomi shared that she was getting engaged and it made me suddenly jealous, it made me remember how much I wanted to have a fairy tale romance, to meet a guy that I could marry and finally get the alexandrite engagement ring I had dreamed about for years, who I could travel the world with and then settle down with to make some kids. She asked me if I was seeing anyone, and even though I had been spending all my time with Bella, I wasn't ready to tell her. I knew that part of me did love her, but I was afraid and thought it was easier to keep her close as a friend, than to actually dive in and explore if we could be more than that. I didn't usually care that much what people thought, but deep down, I was worried how people would see me. So, I lied to Naomi and said, 'there's no one important in my life right now.'

I cringed at myself for saying it that way, since Bella was really important to me. I loved spending time with her and how her conversations often challenged me to think about things I had never considered before. I was ashamed I hadn't told my best friend the truth, but I was not sure what I was doing in that moment and I just wanted to have what she had. Without a second to waste, she insisted that I couldn't just sit back and wait around for Mr. Right, I must at the very least start a dating profile and see what showed up. How else would I get my fairy tale?

Immediately I started getting messages here and there from guys, mostly creepy ones, who just wanted boob and pussy shots sent to them to see if I was worth hooking up with. I started to ditch out early from my evenings with Bella because I had no other time to reply to messages and I could tell she could sense my distance. I desperately didn't want to hurt her, especially since no one worthwhile had showed up on my radar yet, but at the same time, I was enjoying the hunt. She kept trying to talk to me about what was up, so I used my stress over courses and my upcoming placement to get her onto a new subject. I knew that if I told her I was looking for a man, she would probably be crushed and I didn't want that to happen until I knew there was something worth bringing up.

Then Andrew liked my profile while I was spending my second night at Bella's family's home. I found it ironic that he had the same name as my Professor fling, but was glad that he had nothing to do with the university. Fortunately Bella's family was oddly traditional, so we had separate rooms, and I had some time to myself before bed to see if he was worth a 'like back'. I discovered that he was 10 years older than me, owned his own construction company and seemed like a nice guy. There was nothing overly concerning on his profile, so I liked him back. Then I read up on his interests and what he was looking for. There were no pervy vibes, so I anxiously awaited to see what he would write to me.

Two days later, as Bella and I tanned for the second day in a row on the beach in Labadee, he messaged me and asked if we could do a video chat to get to know each other. I liked his boldness, he was taking the pursuit into his strong, manly hands, but didn't have that desperate horniness of the others who had messaged me before. As Bella laid on the tanning bed next to me, I tried to hide the butterflies of excitement. I agreed and said we could chat at 11 that night. I changed quickly for bed and although I could feel Bella's anticipation that maybe something physical would happen between up that night, I couldn't help but get excited about speaking with Andrew, so I excused myself and planned to spend the night on the balcony daybed so that I could both avoid any further misleading of Bella and see if Andrew could be my future Romeo. We spoke for an hour, but he had an early morning job to get to so we wished each other good night just as the clock struck midnight. From our short conversation, I had a feeling he could be someone special, so despite my usual good judgement, I decided that I would invite him to go to Banff for a hiking trip during Thanksgiving a couple weeks later, and see where things led.

Bella

As Christmas approached, I prepared myself for three weeks without Blaire. Things had been different the last month or so, since our trip to Haiti, but whenever I asked her if everything was alright between us, she always said she would tell me and that it was just stress from school. We spent at least one meal a day together every day and still messaged each other every morning to wish the other a beautiful day. Other than the one weekend, when she had gone skiing with some high school girlfriends in Banff, we hadn't spent more than three days apart since we'd met. During that trip, the cell service in the mountains wasn't good so we only spoke when she was on the train coming back to school. I didn't want to let my imagination run away from me, but I worried a little bit that I was slowly but surely losing her. I tried to show my love and support for her, and that I was just a text away. But nothing came up, so I convinced myself to trust her and her promise to let me know if something was wrong.

I didn't want to pressure her if she was still sorting out her unresolved emotional issues from her last relationships, and I knew that I was willing to wait as long as it took her to feel at ease enough to re-start our physical bond again. Yet with every passing week, I felt her pulling away during our conversations, instead of leaning in. As November concluded, I felt that I might not be able to contain my desire for her anymore. I wrote her one night after we'd spent the evening eating pizza and watching some psychological thriller in my room, snuggled up on the couch. I had felt the warmth of her leg next to mine all evening and wanted to pull her on top of me, suckling hungrily on her nipples as she kissed my forehead. I wanted her juices to soak my bed and her voice to echo all across the 4th floor in ecstatic joy as I made her cum over and over until morning. But even as we watched the characters in a sex scene on the screen, she kept looking away, checking stuff on her phone and ignoring me completely.

In my message that night, I said that I felt really disconnected from her, that I still loved her a lot, wanted to kiss her and hold her and that I felt she wasn't invested in us anymore. I said that I was scared that I didn't know if I was doing something wrong but I didn't feel good about how little we were communicating. I said that I didn't know if I could be happy to continue that way. I knew it was my previous relationships talking in that moment, I had been ghosted once, and it had hurt a lot. I was starting to fear that although we had such a genuine connection, the same was slowly happening between Blaire and I. I wanted to see if laying my cards on the table would give her a chance to be equally vulnerable and to lean in more to our relationship instead of pulling back, like I felt she had been doing for a month.

At first, she said, I understand if you have to pull away and offered no clarity to what was going on. She told me she was surprised to hear that I needed distance and was very sad to lose my friendship, but ultimately would respect my choice. I read her response with shock. What the hell, she was going to bail on everything we had built together without a fight? I took two days to digest her message. My heart ached at how easily she had given up instead of sharing what was really happening. I spent many sleepless nights trying to figure out what I had done wrong. It wasn't cool that had tested her commitment to address my insecurity, but I really wasn't prepared to think that we were just done, like that. I reached out and asked if we could talk.