Blind Faith

AUTHOR'S NOTE AND A WARNING TO READERS: This is a loving story that deals with a few tragic and sensitive elements. The main character - Faith - has recently lost her eyesight, and I tried to write the whole story without really describing what things look like much, focusing more on the other senses. I hope you'll enjoy this romantic - but dramatic - tale.

It is a work of fiction, and all of the characters in the story are above the age of eighteen.

All of my work - including this one - is copyrighted. © Devinter.

--- BLIND FAITH ---

Some siblings grow up with a tangible animosity between them, but not Faith and Noah. As children, they had been inseparable. All throughout their early years, they had played in the woods near their grandparent's house, gone swimming together, climbed trees, collected insects, built a clubhouse with sticks under an old oak tree, and explored the world riding their bicycles with the wind in their hair and freedom in their hearts. Faith had always been a bit of a tomboy and had grown up much like her big brother - and although they spent less time together as they got older, they both knew that they would always have each other's back. That they could count on each other. In fact, they had made a pact one day when they were still in elementary school to always be the best of friends. They both promised the other that no matter what happened, they would always be there for each other. Faith reminisced about those days a lot. The colourful vibrancy of all the sight she had seen.

Faith had beautiful eyes, in shades of green that intensified towards the pupil. Her irises were a little large, her eyelashes long and thick, and for the first 16 years of her life they had served her perfectly well. But that was before her diagnosis. Seemingly out of the blue, she had gotten Multiple Sclerosis, an autoimmune disorder that attacks the myelin sheath around nerve cells, creating areas of dead tissue in the brain. And over the next couple of years, Faith had suffered from one painful seizure after another. Her life had taken a rapid and permanent downward turn.

"You took your medicine, honey?" their mother asked as she placed two plates of pancakes on the breakfast table for her children. The aroma of butter and cinnamon wafted up towards Faith's nose. Noah thanked her quietly but was otherwise silent.

"Yes." Faith said with a sigh. "I did it right after waking up, mom. Same as every day."

"Want me to cut your pancakes for you?" their mother asked in an effort to be helpful. Suzanne had been like that ever since her daughter's diagnosis. Faith just shook her head. She needed to get used to doing things by herself. Unlike people who were born blind, she had grown to rely on the sense of sight so severely that it was going to take considerable effort until she learned how to rely on touch, hearing, and smell alone. Across the table, she could hear how Noah began cutting his pancakes with vigour into bite-sized pieces and quickly transferred them to his mouth with small knife and fork movements. "Oh, honey.. I think your shirt is inside out."

Faith instinctively tilted her head down, as if to check. "I didn't realise..." she said, and before long her mother was helping her undress. She could do it by herself, of course. But fact of the matter was that she had become far more helpless than ever before, and her mother just naturally wanted to take care of her now. Seeing her daughter like this was hard for her too, Faith realised, so she usually didn't make a fuss and just let her mother help her out with things. "Mom, not in front of Noah," she whined as the shirt was pulled over her head, exposing her pale skin and her brassiere.

"Sweetie, he's your brother, and I'm sure he's seen half-naked ladies before," their mom said in a reassuring voice.

Faith huffed. She wondered if Noah was looking at her. He didn't say a peep. Once, Faith had been really skinny - but was now a bit larger. Her doctors said that she was still at a healthy weight, but all the same, she had gained it rather quickly, and was no longer quite as thin and flat as she used to be. It bothered her more than she liked to admit, because she was worried that a few years down the line, she'd look fat. And somehow, having her older brother see her when she wasn't at her best, it felt awkward. She always wanted to look her best for him if possible.

Noah had been gone for most of Faith's most difficult years. Away at college. And now that he was home again, having recently graduated with a degree in Business Management, he seemed to have no real idea what to say or do to cheer her up during her darker moments. He was so cautious around her. Like she was a fragile porcelain doll who might fall apart any second. She was still the same girl he used to play games with as a child, when they would pretend that they were superheroes together, ready to bravely face any challenge. But now Faith was depressed, and it seemed to be infectious. She wanted him to be his usual playful self again. She needed him. She had needed him for years already. It's not that he wasn't present - he had visited during the holidays and had called her frequently - but it was different somehow. Always so serious.

And with her shirt off, the little red dots were visible. Her Multiple Sclerosis fell under the so-called "relapsing remitting" category, so she had been given a form of steroid that she had to inject with needles every day, into her belly. It was a little painful, because the needles stuck in deep, but at least the injectors had a button you could push to depress them. Each time she'd tense up, hesitate, then hit the little button, and feel the stabbing sensation. At least it was over quickly, although each injection left an itchy little mark that would stay for up to ten days. Her belly looked like it was covered in infected mosquito bites, her mother had told her. And it made her feel ugly in front of her brother. Especially in front of her brother.

"What's today, honey?" Faith's mom asked after a minute, when she was done correcting the wardrobe malfunction. She seemed tired, Faith realized. She always did these days. "You have any plans?"

"No." Faith said, sounding glum. "Just going to stay home, mom."

"What about you, Noah?" their mother asked. "It's Saturday. You ought to enjoy it."

"Probably going to Aaron's. Play some video games." His voice was non-committal, almost disinterested.

"Why don't you take Faith with you?" she said after a brief pause with a hint of optimism in her voice. "Wouldn't that be nice?"

"Mom.." Faith began to protest, but Suzanne interrupted her.

"Sweetie, you never meet up with your friends anymore, and you rarely ever go outside. Aaron might be Noah's friend but you know him well enough for it not to be awkward, hmm? Wouldn't it be nice to get out of the house? I'm sure your brother wouldn't mind." It was awkward how she talked as if Noah wasn't right there, across the table, chewing on his pancakes. But it was true that Faith didn't really see anyone anymore. Faith had stopped visiting her friends altogether, afraid that they wouldn't want to be around her, or that she would only hold them back from doing the things they really wanted to do. Her lack of eyesight really limited her. The world seemed scary, and she felt like a burden to everyone she knew.

"Mom.." she began, trying again to make a plea. "I can't play video games when I can't see anything, now can I?" There was a bitterness in her voice that surprised even herself. She almost never spoke sharply to her mother - but suddenly everything came out sounding like an accusation. Faith took a deep breath, then turned her attention back towards the pancakes. She wasn't hungry, but it didn't matter - eating always calmed her nerves a bit.

Losing her eyesight had been the worst part of the experience, but the occasional seizures and the depression that came along with it was a struggle too. Her sudden disease had taken a hard toll on her mentally, and she ended up distancing herself from all of her old friends. In truth, it had been weeks since she last left the house at all. She had managed to finish high-school with the help of online courses and special software, and visits from a teacher who came over every weekend, but only barely. She had not bothered sending out any college applications, even though nearly all of her friends would go once summer was over. Faith really couldn't bring herself to care about much of anything. The idea of leaving her room, and finding out what was waiting for her on the other side, didn't hold any appeal at all. Long gone were the days of exploring the world with her brother by her side. A distant, haunting memory of a better time.

But it was not her only symptom. The potential side effects of her disease were many, and the truth was that it was highly likely that more and more of them would emerge as it progressed. It was difficult to know what to expect with a condition like that, and far from every patient experienced the same outcome. Faith had no loss of movement, no reduced cognitive abilities, and only mild reduction of sensitivity in a few parts of her body - primarily her toes. She also didn't suffer from tremors or reduced memory. But her eyesight had quickly gone from perfect to blurry - and then from blurry to barely seeing anything - and now, about six months after her 18th birthday, she saw nothing but a grey, hazy field of undifferentiated shapes. She had gone completely blind.

She spent the rest of the meal eating slowly while Noah and her mother spoke about his on-going job search; how many more interviews were still left on the horizon, and how difficult it was to find anyone hiring for a decent job. Faith barely listened. She dreamed of a brighter time when she and her older brother had roamed through the forests surrounding their grandmother's home, finding frogs in the stream, making fun of each other with stupid jokes and making up silly songs that they sang as they walked along. It seemed childish, but she treasured those memories deeply. And lately she rarely did anything else except dwell on the past.

However, that was going to change! She had reached the precipice and it was time to either fall or fly. Faith had been struggling with the decision for months, but somehow, she was going to find the courage somewhere deep within. The courage to tell her older brother how she really felt about him, now that he was back home. Because, she reasoned, what did she have left to lose?

--- 2 ---

Half an hour after breakfast, a knock came upon Faith's door. She knew who it was right away, from how heavy-handed the person knocked. The thuds made her jump a little. "Come in!" she yelled loudly enough for Noah to hear clearly through the thick wood panelling of the door, after pausing her audiobook. She heard how he slowly opened the door, as if not entirely sure of his welcome.

"Hey, uhm.. You wanted to see me?" Faith could hear his voice waver a little when he said it. Her older brother had always been strong and confident, but ever since she started developing the disease, it seemed that his confidence had turned into worry whenever he interacted with her. As if she was fragile. Or worse; already broken. "Also, I wanted to apologise," he continued, sounding sadder than before. "For perhaps making you feel left out back at breakfast. I should have spoken up. You'd be more than welcome to hang out with me today if you want."

Faith contemplated what to say for a moment. "I don't think I have the energy to be around Aaron today, honestly.." she lied. In truth, she didn't mind Aaron at all. He'd been friends with Noah for years, so him and Faith were acquainted. But she had other plans. She wanted to be alone with Noah - without any outside influence whatsoever - because she had something very important that she needed to tell him.

"I understand. That's fair - he can be rather loud at times. What did you want to talk to me about?"

Faith tried not to fidget under his gaze. Knowing he could see her, but not knowing how well she managed to control her body language. "After you're back from Aaron's, could we go somewhere? Just the two of us?" Her tone was a bit hopeful, which felt like the right approach in order to convince him. She didn't want him to ask why.

"Sure, sis.. Just let me know when and where." He sounded genuinely interested, and that put Faith at ease. "Did you have something specific in mind?"

She scratched at her arm, having her sleeves rolled up. "No, just.. Wanted to spend time with you. We haven't talked a lot lately, you know?"

"I know, and I am sorry for that. College was more draining than I had expected, plus now that I'm job hunting there's always something else I need to do.." He paused, and Faith heard Noah close the door. At first she thought he might've left, but then she heard him shuffle up to the bed and felt the weight on the mattress shift as he sat down next to her. He smelled of deodorant and something sweet. Maybe candy? He had always been one for eating sweets, at any time of the day. "I haven't called Aaron yet. It's not like those plans are set in stone. Let's hang out today instead, you and me. We could go to the beach, perhaps?"

"The beach?" Faith contemplated that choice, imagining the waves and the sun hitting her skin as the salty wind brushed by her hair. She tried to picture the sights and sounds, but it just wasn't there. Instead, she imagined her old friends possibly being there. Bumping into them would just feel awkward. There was the advantage of being able to show herself off in a bikini for her older brother, but she'd have to expose her injection marks again. It made her feel self-conscious. And the scene didn't seem the best for her to make a love confession. "No thank you. Not in the mood for that, but-"

Noah cut her off. "Listen.. I'm sorry I've not been around much these last few years," Noah began, sighing. His voice was thick with some sort of guilt. This had happened a lot recently. "I should have visited more often."

"You were busy getting a college education," Faith replied, trying to sound supportive rather than annoyed. "It's absolutely fine." She felt a little startled as he brushed a lock of her strawberry blonde hair out of her face, tucking it behind her ear. The act was innocent enough but the sensation of someone else touching her caught her off guard - she wasn't used to it anymore. Especially not Noah.

He inhaled deeply. "I haven't forgotten the pact we made," he said with a faint smile in his voice, reaching for her hand and grasping it.

"What pact?" The words just slipped out. She knew exactly what he was referring to. She had never forgotten either.

Noah exhaled slowly through his nose. "Don't you remember? When we were kids. We swore that we would be there for each other no matter what happened. We made a promise that we wouldn't let anything tear us apart. And there was also some clause in there about always sharing candy if we had any, if I recall correctly."

Faith knew all of this, but hearing him speak so nostalgically and warmly about it brought a flooding of emotions to the surface. She could hear the rustling of a plastic bag in Noah's hand, then the crinkle of wrapping paper being torn open and foil being peeled away from the chocolate bar he began to unwrap for her. He broke it in two, and placed her half inside of her palm. His skin was rough against her soft hand. "Thank you," Faith muttered, breaking off a chunk and chewing it with relish. It tasted delicious.

"Have you changed your mind about going to college?" he wondered aloud after a brief pause. "It's not too late, you know. I looked around online and there's a lot of options actually. Schools just for the blind. You could live a fulfilling life, sis." For each sentence, he spoke slightly faster, as if trying to persuade her. As if begging her to not give up. "Some of them have excellent ratings, and they're not only for people who were born blind. You won't feel left behind."

"I think I've been avoiding doing anything at all, actually," she admitted quietly.

"You could still live a very fulfilling life, Faith. You're a bright young woman. Many people who have gotten diagnosed with MS or lost their eyesight have still gone on to achieve great things, with a high standard of living. Might be nice to get away from home for awhile.. Get some space?" Faith could tell that he meant it as an optimistic suggestion, but it didn't feel that way to her. She simply wanted to be wherever Noah was. And he only made it worse when he added: "Make some new friends, perhaps? Maybe even meet a guy? Fall in love?"

Meet a guy. Fall in love. There it was. Even though she had a real man right in front of her. Yes - he was her brother, but to her, he also meant more than anyone else did. She was someone she cared for deeply. And, yes; she knew exactly what she wanted, although she had yet to tell him. But admitting to it would make everything different. And that frightened her immensely.

"Noah, it's just a bit to overwhelming too consider." Faith felt the familiar pang of sadness inside of her. She was not the prettiest girl in the world by any means, but there had been boys interested in her before. However, she had not had a boyfriend since she was 13, and that had only lasted for two weeks. They never even held hands. "Did you meet a lot of girls at college?" she asked, dreading the answer.

Noah's silence seemed to linger. "A couple," he replied vaguely. "But none that I would say were particularly serious."

Her heart beat a little faster than before, and suddenly she wished she hadn't asked him the question. It brought up all sorts of emotions inside of her that she didn't quite want to deal with at that moment. The past few days had been a flurry of thoughts about whether she should tell Noah the truth. It was time. If she were to have any chance with her brother, it had to be now, before he got swept away by someone else.

"Hey, so.. What if.." she started carefully, before hesitating again. "What if I wanted to go to the Clubhouse?"

The Clubhouse was a sort of meeting spot they had made years ago under the old oak tree by the creek out by the Foxwood where their grandparents had lived before passing away. The tree which they had carved their names into. There was something sacred about it, in Faith's mind.

"The Clubhouse?" Noah sounded genuinely surprised. "Faith, we built it out of sticks. It's long gone."

Faith shook her head. "That doesn't matter. I can't see it anyway. I can pretend that it's still there." Emotion thickened the words. "I want to go to where we made the pact."

A brief pause. "I thought you didn't remember the pact.." Faith could hear a bit of awkwardness creep into Noah's tone, but she was pretty sure that he was smiling. She missed his smile. It reached all the way into the depth of his eyes.

"I sort of lied," she said simply.

"You lied?" He chuckled.

"We made the pact before I got sick," she murmured. "I don't think it's fair of me to still hold you to it."

He inhaled sharply, and then she felt his arms wrap around her body in a firm hug. "Nothing has changed, you silly girl," he whispered quietly into her ear, rubbing his cheek against hers. His stubble tickled her skin slightly. It felt wonderful. "You're the most important person in the world to me. I hope you know that."

She squeezed his body harder against her own as she felt herself begin to cry. At first it was silent, just a few stray tears trickling down her cheeks, but soon enough, sobs began to break from deep within her throat. Noah held her tighter still, and the warmth and love she felt radiating from her big brother's embrace brought on a feeling of security that only Noah had ever been able to provide.