Bob and Phil

One of the hairdressers laughed and reached over, closing my mouth. "I think he likes our work, Jade."

She had taken advantage of every service they had to offer. She even got a pedicure. Jade twirled nervously, before she asked if I approved. I grabbed her in a big kiss, and held it until Mrs. Smith started slapping the back of my head. "Ease up, junior. It's like you're trying to vandalize a work of art. Here," she said, handing me a tissue, "wipe your mouth. Sit back down, honey, and let Karen fix the damage."

Jade almost gasped when she heard how much the makeover had cost, but I paid it with a smile, and included a twenty-dollar tip for each of the four ladies in the shop, a tip that they rarely saw. Mrs. Smith walked us out of the shop, reminding Jade of her appointment three weeks away. She also handed me a list. "Here, it's a list of things she'll need, products she used today. You can get a lot of it at the drugstore, and the rest you can get online."

After a hundred fifty dollar stop at the drugstore, which included a hair dryer, we went back to the apartment. She just stood in front of the mirror for about thirty minutes, before turning to me and grinning. "I don't look like the same person!"

I smiled as I kissed her cheek. "You look exactly the same, except hotter. You're turning into an expensive hobby, honey."

She immediately started obsessing about money, until I put my fingers on her lips. "I don't want you to ever worry about money. I still have a good bit, plus Bob seems to want to hand me money every time I turn around. Sooner or later, I'll want to find a job, but that's probably a year or better in the future. So then, money is the least of our problems."

She was quiet for a while before she suddenly grinned. "My people have money that's accumulated over the years. I'll tell them I need some. They haven't used it in forever."

I tried to reassure her but she didn't let it rest. We went back to the pub for dinner, because she wanted to take full advantage of our time in town, and, I think, to show off her new look. If she got stared at before, it seemed to triple this time. She wanted a burger, but I opted for a pizza, forgetting she'd never had anything like it. She took one bite, shoved her burger at me, and almost inhaled it. She wanted me to promise we'd stop at a grocery store on the way home to pick up some when I told her they came frozen.

"I have a better Idea, hon. Let's pick up the supplies to make them ourselves. That way we control how much cheese, pepperoni, or anything else we want on it." Half our buggy was pizza material.

Saturday night was dance night at The Pub, and a little four-piece band was warming up while we finished our dinner. Her head came up at the first guitar chord sounded. "What's that?"

"It's a guitar. The band's about to start."

"Can we stay and listen?"

Of course we stayed, and she sat enthralled, especially after people started dancing. She was wriggling in her seat, mimicking the moves on the floor. When a slow song started, I startled her by pulling her to the floor. "I don't know how to do this!"

I grinned. "This is really simple, Jade. You just snuggle up and sway to the music."

Jade was stiff at first, but soon her head was on my shoulder as we swayed in a circle. When the music stopped, she grabbed me and gave me a hard kiss. "Best mate ever! I love you!" People watched the kiss and heard the declaration, and smiles went around the room.

I talked her into a fast dance, marveling how instinctively graceful she was. After we were done, Chad asked her for a dance, and I partnered with Vivian. After that, others would ask her to dance and she always looked askance at me. She danced with several men, and then Vivian pulled her onto the floor to dance with several other women in a familiar song that had moves long established. Jade was slow at first, then began swaying with the rest, her hair flying across her face while she let herself go. Then the guys joined in, and one jerk grabbed her ass, grinding into her. She tried to separate but he wouldn't let go, so she knocked him on his ass.

The crowd gasped and pulled back. I had already jumped up when he grabbed her, and I let loose on him. "You asshole! I ought to stand back and let her stomp the shit out of you, just for the pleasure of watching it happen! That's my woman, understand? Mine! Now get the fuck out of here."

Jade was actually holding me back, trying to get me to calm down. The place didn't have a bouncer, because almost all of them had grown up together and policed themselves. Pretty soon a couple of hefty guys helped him find the door, with a stern warning from the owners to behave from now on, or he'd be barred.

Vivian hugged her as soon as she let me go. "You're my hero! We've all been bothered by him before, and our boyfriends and husbands have warned him, but you did what all of wished we could. Thank you."

She blushed, not knowing how to handle the praise. Then they went back to dancing. I thought she'd be worn out when we got home, but she kept me up half the night. It was noon when we picked up the truck and headed home. I'd told the Smiths we would be back in three weeks to clean out the apartment, and they could keep the furniture. I'd bought most of it used, but it was still good, especially to a college graduate just starting out. Mrs. Smith kissed and hugged Jade, whispering in her ear, and then reminded her of her appointment in three weeks.

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It had been enjoyable, but we were happy to be home. Bertha took in her looks and smiled, with tears in her eyes. "You've become human, baby, soon you'll forget all about us." Jade started crying, hard, and that caught us all by surprise. "How can I forget my family? I might live in a house now, but I'm still Mosogo at heart. Don't you want to see your grandchildren, teach them about their heritage?"

That led to a cuddle session of epic magnitude. Bob and I quietly left, going out to the shed. I noticed there was a fire, and a big bed in the corner. He grinned. "I think we need a bigger building. While you were gone, Billie and Elana stayed in your house. I hope you went grocery shopping on the way home."

"Bob, have you ever had pizza?"

Pizza was a big hit, and became a once weekly event. Ara really liked it, and Angel would have lived on it if she could. When it warmed up, I had a man come out and build us a clay oven, and taught Jade how to use it. The ladies would prepare the pizzas, mostly cheese and vegetables with a few slices of pepperoni. As they got comfortable with me, more of both tribes would show up, until twenty or more would be swirling around the yard.

Elena came in a couple of weeks after we'd been to town, grinning, and gave me a box. "Here, Jade said this might come in handy for you."

I opened it, and stood gawking. It was about half full of coins. Old coins. Really old coins. Large pennies from the 1700's, Spanish reals, silver dollars, and gold, including double eagles from the 1870's. I estimate it was over ten pounds.

"Where did you get this?"

She shrugged. "Our people have collected it over the years. Some we found, and some we took from people who had gotten too close to us. We know what it is, but we've never needed to use it. Take it, and buy us a better life."

I put in a safe place, wondering how I could use it. We were sailing along, everybody was happy, and then something unexpected happened, well, for me anyway. Jade wanted it really bad. She got pregnant. I've never seen a more scared woman when she told me, afraid I'd reject her and the child. That kind of got to me, and I chewed her out, making her cry with shame, then happiness. "You know, there are a lot of foolish human females in this world, but I was hoping your Mosogo blood would make you a little less likely, but it's obvious that the human part has dominated. You've made me a very happy man, why in the world would I reject you?"

After she stopped sobbing, she told me of a few instances where a man had impregnated one of her kind, and then deserted them, including her father. By now she was on my lap, in the big oversized rocker, swaying gently back and forth. I had a vision of her doing the same thing with our child. The only description I could come up with was 'warm and fuzzy'.

Then we ran into problems. I wanted her to go to the doctors, but in my world, she didn't exist. No birth certificate, no social security number, no school transcripts, no vaccination records, nothing. Jade said she'd have it the traditional way, which I immediately shot down. "You're too human, baby. It might be more than you can handle."

I expressed my fear to the tribes, and a few weeks later a big shiny SUV pulled into my driveway. A man in a suit and tie got out, and Jade opened the door before he could knock. He immediately went into a long speech, in her native tongue! When she calmed down, she invited him in and called me. I'd been putting out as many apple trees as I could fit reasonably on the cleared acreage, as well as pear, fig, and peach, and had a grape arbor almost finished alongside the southern border. To anyone looking on, it would seem I had embraced the homesteader life wholeheartedly, but I was just trying to provide for my families.

She gave me a big kiss while she poured the coffee, then introduced me. "Honey, this is Fred Williams. He's Mosogo, and he had the solutions to our problems."

He reached out, grinning at my discomfiture. "I'm only an eighth Mosogo, but I had a mostly traditional childhood, living in the forests until I was ten. Then we turned to normal life. I had a mentor that helped us, and he sponsored my law school education. Since then, mostly under the radar, I help my people and others in similar situations. I can arrange a birth certificate, get her a social security number, everything she needs for life as a human. Will you let me help?"

Of course we would let him help, and he made several trips over the next couple of months. His car was tagged for three states over, and he didn't like to talk about his tribe. We had him out for pizza night, and he mixed and mingled with my family with ease. He had excellent references from tribes ours knew of, so we accepted him. I was a little nervous about the cost, but he told me it was pro bono. "I work from a trust fund, set up by my tribe and others, so my expenses are taken care of. All we ask is, if sometime in the future if we need you, you will return the favor."

When he was finished, I gave him a gift of gratitude, half the box of coins Alena had given me. I'd researched the value, and it contained over $200,000 worth, at current value. His eyes widened, before he grinned. "Thanks for the contribution to the trust. We'll make sure it's used for the good of our peoples. Your name has reached the lips of others, and everyone knows if they need help, all they have to do is say "any friend of the Mosogo is a friend of mine", and you'll help them. That's all the payment we'll ever need."

The doctor was a whole new experience for her, and when she saw the stirrups, she almost lost it. I thought it funny, the woman who ran around naked most of the time was suddenly shy. She felt a little insulted, and let me know it. "He's looking at parts of me that that only you should see, let alone touch!"

I explained as best I could, that it was just a professional necessity. I'm glad the doctor congratulated me for having such a spectacular wife, but I had to agree. He gave her a clean bill of health, telling whatever she was doing, she needed to keep it up.

We went back to The Pub for a meal we didn't have to cook, and when Viv saw her bulge she screamed, and she was soon surrounded by babbling women. The decided to give her a baby shower in two weeks, and I'd better make sure she was there. Chad sighed. "You just made my life harder. Vivian's been after me for a kid, and the fact that you went first is not going to go down well."

I grinned. "Let it happen, brother. It'll be the best thing for both of you."

I don't think he liked my advice, but I had learned when a woman wanted something, if you loved her, she would probably get it sooner or later.

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Jade had a phone by now, and a network of friends. It was frustrating for her to not be able to drive, so I decided to teach her. It did not go well at first, and after two dents to the truck, I stopped and switched her to the little UTV, which made her a lot calmer. It didn't go any more than 30 miles an hour, and while it didn't have air bags, it did have a restraining harness. As she got bigger, it became more difficult, and I finally talked her into stopping until the baby was born.

Bob and Bertha were fixtures now, and had fixed the little shed into a proper home, with heat, a small stove, and a refrigerator. I grinned at how domesticated they had gotten. They still went on long rambles that kept them away for days, visiting their people, but thy always came back. We ran into a problem with toilet facilities, because they were just too big for a standard toilet. We finally solved it by building an old fashion outhouse, supersized of course. Until then there was never a necessity, because they emulated bears, or maybe bears emulated them, and went into the woods. I was happy, you always knew when Bob had Mexican, and I'd stepped in it once. Jade made me throw that pair of sneakers away.

Both Bigfoot and Mosogo had gotten so comfortable around me they didn't bother to remain in the shadows, though it still scared the shit out of me when they just appeared. I tried to learn to be quiet when I moved, and Billie commended me. "You used to sound like a herd of elk. Now you just sound like one or two, tops."

Jade was three weeks from her due date, and Elena was a permanent guest. They'd taken a page from Bob and Bertha, and I had to fix up another building for her and Billie. Privacy was a thing of the past.

She woke me with a death grip on my arm. I carried bruises for three weeks afterwards, but I got her to the hospital on time. She held on to me in fear and desperation, cussing the whole time, but it was mostly in Mosoga, so the nurses didn't know. I had everyone around speak to me exclusively in their language, a sort of immersion technique. It seemed to be working, especially when I caught a couple talking about me, and I confronted them. It embarrassed them so much the ran away, and I didn't see them for two weeks. When they came back, they called me an asshole in their language, and grinned.

Sometimes, when I was getting claustrophobic, I'd leave Jade in the hands of her family and take long walks in the woods. Sometimes Angel and her boyfriend Sam would join me, and pepper me with all kinds of questions. Sometimes it would be someone I didn't even know. I got the feeling they were guarding me.

I took a shine to an old Bigfoot, who would join me, leaning on a carved limb, for slow rambles as he told me the history of his people. One day he gifted me with an old Spanish helmet from the fifteen hundreds, telling me of an expedition to seek wealth that did not end well for them.

Then one day he stopped coming, and asked about him. Ara bowed her head. "He passed, two weeks ago. He always spoke fondly of you, and wanted you to have this." It was a silver medallion, very old, on a matching silver chain. It got to me, and I kind of chewed them out for not telling me sooner, or let me attend his funeral. Jade had to calm me. "Our rituals are different, and no human has ever witnessed them. We also never speak of the dead, because to talk of them means they are not still among us, and we want their spirits to walk the paths we tread alongside of us."

I thought about that, kind of seeing the sense of it. Still took Bob, Elana, her daughters, and Bob's family off into the woods, where I lit a bonfire, and made them share a drink with me, raising my cup and toasting him and others, referring to them only as the ones who went before. It moved them I think, and Jade snuggled as we helped her back to the UTV. She told me later Tom was Bob's maternal grandfather. Now it made sense why his family stayed behind.

Thankfully the labor was short, and suddenly we had a son. Jade said it would be a girl, because male births were rare. It looked like the human genes had overcome this time. She was shocked beyond words when they put him on her breast, but the joy of the day triumphed. He weighed ten pounds, above average, but he was perfectly formed, and I was sure he was going to look like Jade.

I'd gotten a cell for Bertha, an oversized model designed for people with bad hands, and called her right away. There was silence for a second, before the whoops and cheers started. She'd put it on speaker, and there must have been a lot of people there, judging by the noise.

Jade wanted to go home right after giving birth, but the hospital talked me into getting her to stay two days, before she told me if I didn't take her home right his minute, she was walking. Vivian came, dragging Chad along. She cooed over the baby, admiring his size, and Jade let her hold him, which surprised me. She'd told me they were very protective of their young. She rocked back and forth, giving pointed looks at Chad, and he seemed to be getting the message. Mrs. Smith came by, and a few more of the friends she'd made in town. Jade was quite popular because of her loving nature and willingness not to back down in a confrontation.

We didn't have to worry about Ex and the Asshole, when the prints came back on the knife, they both went to jail, because they were on probation from the last episode. They'd be guests of the state for fifteen months.

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The celebration when we got home was epic, by any cultures' measure. I think most of both tribes were there, admiring Tommy. I'd named him for Bob's grandfather, the one who went before. It must have got to them, because I got to see a Bigfoot cry for the first time when Ara held him. As he was passed from Elena, to Ara, to Billie, to Angel, and most of the females in attendance, I wondered if he would ever realize what he was looking at.

I'd gotten two kegs, twelve cases, and ten gallons of wine, scattered through different stores. No liquor. I don't remember how many soft drinks I got, twenty cases, maybe, and had four tables laden down with snacks, from pastries, to chips, massive amounts of fruits, and anything else I thought they might like. The party was still going on when I put Jade and Tommy to bed, and I followed them an hour later.

I was glad the next morning that I lived in isolation, on a road that had almost no traffic. There were six Bigfeet passed out in the front yard, and Marc was almost lying in the road. There were just as many Mosogo, some in very unladylike positions, and judging by fluids, some of them had a better time than others. I got Bob and Bertha up and made them help me get the others up and under cover.

Most were moaning and holding their heads, but Elena showed no mercy, laughing while we fixed pancakes. I'd purchased a large, gas-powered griddle, and the ladies were mixing pancake batter in giant tubs. I think the aroma brought most of them back to life. I'd learned they also loved grits, and had two large pots simmering, which most of them spooned over their pancakes.

We fed the younger ones first, because they weren't hung over. I'd built huge benches and a couple of tables out of split oak logs, carefully planing and sanding the seats, and every space was full, while others sat wherever there was a spot. Ara banished me from my host duties so I could have breakfast with my bride, and I held Tonny while she ate, giving me a big syrupy kiss when she finished, then taking him back so I could have my breakfast. They all passed by to pay respects to the baby, and thank us for the party, then they silently filtered into the woods, until it was just family.