Both Sides Now

<Wanda_1> They're definitely in love! So adorable!

I felt my face heating up, and I went back to the sofa and sat down.

Josh followed me. "So?"

I thought about dissembling, but... what purpose would that serve?

"Josh..." I sighed. "Short answer? Yes. I'm in love with her."

Josh's expression... I've never seen that look. He was almost sneering, like he'd beaten me at something. "HA! I knew it, you hypocrite. You fucked her, didn't you?"

I rocked back a little at his attitude. "Josh, first, thanks for being crass and a jerk. Second, it's not hypocrisy. The fact that I love her has nothing to do with not wanting a goddamn threesome with you. Tell me how I'm being a hypocrite!" I crossed my arms and waited, holding tight to my anger. I had to, or I'd cry, and I did not want to do that in front of him. Not now. How had I never realized how shallow he was?

I could see the resentment slowly drain from his face. His countenance changed to one of sadness.

He shook his head, and said, "You've changed, Holly."

No shit. But I thought about that. "You're right. I have. Josh, look; I will be forever grateful to you for bringing us here. I know it sucks that it's not going to work out for us. I'm sorry, but I think we're done. It's only partly because of Gretchen. I have no idea how she feels." I hoped, but even after everything between us, I still was too scared to believe it. But...

"I just know I have to try."

He nodded. He didn't get up; he didn't look at me. Just sat in his chair, as I went to my room and closed the door.

><><><><><

There wasn't anything left to say. He packed up and was gone within the week.

I tried to pick up extra shifts at work, just to stay away from the house, and him. I visited with Ingrid a lot and cried on her shoulder more than once.

Finally, she came out and asked, "Have you spoken to Gretchen?"

I looked at her in surprise, and she chuckled softly. "I have eyes, dotter. You love her, yes?"

I didn't think I had any tears left, but I found some more. "God help me, I do. But she's married! How can I..." Despite Thom's seeming acceptance, my fears, compounded by my breakup, had all come rushing back.

"Shh, hush child." She held me. "Listen, there are... things... that are not mine to tell. Just, trust me. Go. Talk to her."

><><><><><

I did. I went straight there and knocked timidly on their door. So timidly I had to knock again.

Gretchen answered, and I was shocked at her appearance. She looked miserable, like she hadn't been sleeping. Dark circles under her eyes, and her hair was a mess.

"Hi," she said, quietly.

"Hi. Umm, can I come in?"

Without speaking, she moved aside.

We sat down at her kitchen table. She wouldn't look at me.

"Gretchen? Are you okay?" I asked stupidly.

She shook her head. "Not really, Hol."

"What... what's wrong?"

She still wouldn't look up, and I saw a teardrop splash onto the table in front of her.

She whispered, "I thought you were avoiding me, after... after... us. Our night. Our perfect night. I thought you... you didn't... want to see me anymore..." Her face started to crumple, and she began to fold in on herself.

I was aghast. Oh my God, what had I done? I had been so self-absorbed, so wrapped up in my own disillusionment at the failure of my relationship with Josh, that I'd hurt the one person... I knew it for the truth now; the one person that I cared most about in the world. I threw myself out of my chair and fell to my knees in front of her. I wrapped my arms around her waist and buried my face in her stomach.

"No, no, no, Gretchen, no! I'm so sorry! I didn't... I never..." I cried. Wracking sobs, at the thought of how badly I had hurt her. I heard myself mumbling, Sorry, so sorry, over and over through my weeping. And then I felt her hands slowly, softly, begin to stroke my hair. It only made me cry harder.

I don't know how long we sat there, me crying like I'd never stop, her small hands caressing me. Then, like a gift, I heard her start to hum "You Are My Sunshine." Of course, it didn't make me stop crying, but the timbre of my tears changed. Maybe, just maybe, I hadn't wrecked everything.

Eventually, I did get myself back under control. I tried to collect my thoughts. Without releasing my death grip on her, I spoke. "I'll never forgive myself for hurting you. I was so selfish! Josh and I did break up. The night we got back, after our watch party." I felt her hands stop their petting for just a moment, and then resume.

"He's been moving out and I just wanted to not be around, you know? I spent extra time at work, and... just tried to stay away. I'm so stupid. I'm so sorry I didn't talk to you," I whispered.

"You could have come here," she whispered, and I felt another arrow of pain.

"I know, I realize that now, and I should have. But... I don't know, my head was so messed up... I felt like that would be throwing it in his face, you know? God, I was so thoughtless! I'm just so, so sorry for hurting you!" I wrapped my arms around her a little tighter, trying to get closer to her, anything to show her...

"So... you don't hate me?"

"Never," I sobbed, "and I'm heartbroken that I made you think that. I need you so much, Gretchen. Can you ever forgive me?" I pulled back to look into her eyes. Those two emeralds, blurry with tears. I brushed at her cheeks.

She smiled, finally, and nodded. "Of course, I forgive you, you idiot. I love you."

I gawped at her. I had hoped, but to hear her say it!

"You...?"

"Yes." She booped my nose. "Since you opened the door that day."

I couldn't help it. I laughed. "Me too, I think. Couldn't you tell? I could hardly speak when I saw you, that first time." I gazed into her eyes and then, cupping her face in my hands, I tried to pour all those feelings into my kiss.

"Wow," she whispered, when our lips finally parted.

How could I express what I was feeling at that moment? I thought about it, my life before, compared to what it was now, knowing she loved me.

"Sweetheart... being here, with you, for the first time in my life I feel like I'm not just going through the motions anymore. It's like... before, my world was all in shades of gray, or maybe brown, or whatever. Dull. Bland. Boring. And now? Now everything is brighter. I think I'm finally seeing in color."

"Holly... that's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me. Does that mean that, maybe, you could love me back?"

I nodded.

She pulled me to my feet and then threw her arms around my neck for a proper hug. I bent to kiss her neck, and inhaled her scent. I didn't care a whit that she needed a bit of a shower. It made it so much more visceral! It was her. I sat back down, not trusting my legs at the moment, and I pulled her into my lap. She giggled, and we snuggled for a while, sharing little kisses and touches. Reaffirming.

After we calmed down, she said, "What are you going to do?"

"Stop, you're going to make me start crying again! You know I don't want to move. I love it here. The house, the neighborhood... you..." I stroked her face. "But Josh is gone, and I can't afford the rent by myself."

My eyes flew open. "And what about Thom? I know you said he'd be okay with it, but you're married, and I... oh God," I started to freak out. Again. I tried to get up, and she straddled me, forcing me back into the chair.

"Holly, stop, listen to me!"

"No, no, I don't want to be a homewrecker, oh crap..." I was panicking.

"HOLLY!" She finally yelled.

Confused, I stared at her.

"We're not married."

"Buh... what?" I stuttered, quite succinctly, I thought.

"Thom and I. We are not married," she enunciated slowly. "Not legally, anyway."

She sighed. "Look, no one knows. We've gotten pretty good at hiding it. I'm just gonna say it, okay? We're both gay. We've known each other for years, and our families are SO strict. SO intolerant. Both of us were terrified of them finding out. We came out to each other in high school, and we decided that we'd pretend to be boyfriend and girlfriend, just to... you know, so they'd think we were... normal." She spat the word out with disgust, and I hugged her again.

"It wasn't any easier at college. With the University of Vermont being right here in Burlington, it's not like we were away from home. So, we just kept up the pretense. I mean, we could have... friends... as long as we were very discreet, but never anything approaching a normal relationship."

"Oh, honey, it must have been awful!"

She nodded, remembering.

"But naturally, once we graduated, there was no living together. Our parents WOULD NOT PERMIT IT," she intoned in a fake 'Overbearing Father' voice.

"So... what the hell, we decided to get married. Well, sort of. Somehow, we convinced our families that we wanted a non-traditional ceremony out by the lake. We did all the planning ourselves. We got a friend of ours to pretend to be some kind of non-denominational minister, and we printed out an official-looking certificate." She laughed, remembering. "It was a great party! But that's all it was, in the legal sense."

"We even went on a honeymoon together; we went to San Francisco for a week." She blushed, but admitted, "We both had a good time.

"Then once we got back home, we moved in here. We do all the stuff married couples do, except... that. We sleep in the same bed, share the master bathroom, all that. It's just too easy to slip up otherwise. But we're basically roommates. Not that I think any of our friends would care. Just... our damn families.

"I love him of course, he's my dearest friend. But I'm not in love with him. We kiss and hug for appearance's sake, but that's it."

Then she laughed. "Actually... we did get really drunk once and decided we were going to consummate our fake marriage. Holy crap, it was terrible." She snickered and shook her head. "Never again."

I chuckled, but then... "Gretchen... honey..." I took her hands. "How is this going to work then? I don't want to hide! I'm not ashamed. I love you and I want everyone to know."

"I want that too. And I love you too," she whispered. Her voice grew stronger, more resolute. "Thom and I talked about it, when he saw that I was falling for you." She smiled tenderly.

"It has been so fucked up for so long, hiding this from our families. We both agreed, we're tired of hiding. Tired of feeling ashamed. The hell with them; if they can't accept me for me, then I don't need them in my life." She contemplated me. "You helped me realize that. Did I say it already? I love you, Holly."

She took a deep breath and squared her shoulders. "So here's what we came up with. You know how Thom has been 'away on business' a lot lately? Well, it wasn't really business. He met someone, and he thinks there's potential." She stopped for a moment, and glanced at me, shyly.

"What if... what if he and Bryan move in here, and I move in with you? I know we're moving way too fast, but... you'd be able to afford to stay." She watched me hopefully.

I was astonished. "You... You want to live with me? Us? Together, here?"

I watched her nod, with yearning and trepidation in her eyes. "Yes, I really do."

It was my turn to nod, a radiant smile spreading across my face. "When can you move in?"

><><><><><

At our first gathering after the watch party, we had to break the news that Josh was gone. I mean, some of them had seen him packing, so it's not like it was a big surprise, but I still felt like I should say something. I told the guys that it was fine if they wanted to stay friends with him, but it was understood that since he was no longer a part of the neighborhood, he wouldn't be invited to our parties. It would just be too awkward. No one had a problem with that, but the night was a little subdued and we broke up earlier than usual.

Everyone knew that Gretchen was spending a lot of time at my house now, and I guess they assumed she was just looking after me since my breakup. Ingrid knew, and of course Thom knew, but we waited another week to ask everyone over to my house. Our house.

Bryan, Thom's new boyfriend, was there as well. Again, we just let people assume for the moment that he was my new love interest. I wouldn't have minded, had I been single, and had he been straight. He was very good-looking! When I teased Thom and Gretchen about him being quite yummy, they both glared at me, until I couldn't hold it anymore and started giggling.

After a moment, Thom grinned. "I like this new Holly. She's sassier than I remember. You've been good for her, Gretch," he smiled tenderly at her.

"She's been good for me," she replied simply and settled into my lap for a kiss.

Sorry, got sidetracked. Okay, we were all at my house (our house), and Bryan was there. Once everyone was comfortable, Thom took the floor.

"Okay guys, first I just want to say thank you for being our friends," He put his arm around Gretchen. There were murmurs of reciprocation.

He took a deep breath. "I know you'll probably be shocked by what I'm about to tell you. But I promise, it's not a bad thing. Trust me." He looked around the room, making sure he had everyone's attention.

He couldn't resist being dramatic. "Gretchen and I are getting a divorce."

Of course, there was pandemonium in the room. Lots of questions, and denials, and more questions. Thom just held his hand up until they finally settled down.

"Actually, that's not quite true. We were never really married." And he, with her help, proceeded to tell them the whole story. His and Gretchen's life. Dealing with their families. Hiding their sexuality. There were more than a few tears in the room as he spoke, mine included!

"Anyway, that brings us to now. We apologize to you all for misleading you. I promise we're still the same people you've been friends with for the past few years."

"We still love you both!" shouted Geoff, and instantly, the rest of the group chimed in.

Thom had to take a moment. But finally, he held his hand out, and Bryan walked over and took it. "Everyone, I'd like you to meet my boyfriend, Bryan. Bryan, this is... well, everyone."

We all got up and went to greet and welcome him. Hands were shaken and hugs were given. I can't believe how blessed I was to have found such an amazing group of friends.

I really liked Bryan. It didn't take long for him to overcome being the new guy in the group. It helped that he was super laid back, and when the guys found out he was a 5-handicap, he was good to go.

So, after Bryan's introduction was taken care of, Frank asked the question that I'm sure everyone was thinking. He just had no filter.

"So... how's that gonna work? All three of you living together?"

"Not quite." I surprised myself by speaking up. And it was my turn to hold my hand out. I smiled, trying to hold it together. Gretchen walked into my arms.

Again, pandemonium.

><><><><><

Epilogue

Thanksgiving. Gretchen was expected for dinner, of course, and she had called her mother. Taking a deep breath, looking to me for support, she told her that she was planning on bringing a date, if that would be all right.

"Of course, dear, and so soon after Thom! I'm so glad you've found someone new! Who is he, do we know his family?" her mother wondered.

"Uhh... no, Mother. I... We'll see you on Thursday," she finally said.

Hanging up the phone, she looked at me miserably. "I'm sorry, Hol, I chickened out. Please don't be mad."

"Hey, hey..." I pulled her against me. "I know it's hard. I about peed myself when we told my mom, and I was pretty sure she'd be fine."

She was, too. I had surprised her by inviting her to dinner one evening, a few weeks after we got back from Montreal.

"Oh, thank you, it will be nice to see you and Josh," she accepted.

"Uhh... Mom... Josh and I broke up."

"Oh no, he was such a nice boy," she replied in that 'mom' tone.

"It's okay. I'm okay. It was for the best," I assured her.

"So, just us girls, then?" she asked.

That made me clap my hand over my mouth to keep from laughing. "Yes Mom, just us girls."

When she arrived at the house, I led her into the kitchen and gave her a glass of wine.

"Thank you, dear." She gave me a concerned look. "Are you sure you're okay? Breakups are always difficult. Do you want to talk about it?"

"Thanks, Mom, I appreciate that, but it's okay. I'm good. Uhh... really good actually. I'd like you to meet someone." I went into the other room and dragged a surprisingly bashful Gretchen into the kitchen.

"Mom, this is Gretchen. She's my girlfriend."

At first, I guess she thought I meant 'my friend who is a girl'. But then she noticed Gretchen's shyness, and that we were holding hands, and she got it.

"Oh! Oh my!"

I've got to hand it to her, she recovered well.

"Aren't you just gorgeous. Gretchen, is it? So nice to meet you!" She went and hugged my very surprised girlfriend.

Then Mom looked at us, a small grin appearing. "This actually explains a lot," she said to Gretchen, conspiratorially.

"Mom!"

And we were all fine after that.

><><><><><

So. Thanksgiving, and we were sitting in the car in her parents' driveway.

"I can't believe we're doing this now," Gretchen said, shakily. She gripped my hand tightly. "This is going to be such a disaster."

I turned in my seat to look at her. "Baby, I am here for you, no matter what. I'm hopeful that they'll be as accepting as our friends, but even if they're not, I'm still going to be here. My mom loves you, and our friends love you, and I love you."

She smiled tremulously.

I gazed into her beautiful eyes and tried to pour all my love into them. "You're my future. Whatever comes, I want to face it with you. You ready?"

She squared her shoulders, and I knew my fierce Gretchen was back. "Let's do it."

Hand in hand, looking ahead, we walked up the drive.

><><><><><

Please, before you start hollering, I know how Open Mic nights normally work. I made up my own rules to fit the story.

The line, "Are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin," is borrowed from a British Broadcasting Corporation (BBC) children's radio program called "Listen with Mother".

Finally, I wrote this before learning the very sad news of Jimmy Buffet's passing. I'm happy that I included references to two of his songs here. Truly a legend.

Thank you for reading.