All Comments on 'Bounty Hunter and the Jedi Ch. 01'

For a first story your doing a really good job but i may be bias as i am a big Ahsoka fan. don't know how i feel about all the star wars equipment referencing as i had to look up most of them but i do appalled you for detail.

looking forward to seeing the story develop.

Hi, J-B,

Your story may have been good; I don't know, I couldn't get past the lack of good punctuation. Just a good use of commas would have been an improvement. Editing just one paragraph:

Phara said more tenderly, "I haven't known you long, Ahsoka, but I do like you - and thinking of you going through the trauma involved in any of those options just makes me feel bad."

Ahsoka had a stunned look on her face at hearing that, not knowing what to say.

Phara said, "I know; I'm surprised I feel that way too, considering that I am a bounty hunter."

Ahsoka took a few minutes to think, then said "whatever I do to survive, I am still a Jedi - I will not take a life without good reason." Phara said "I wouldn't expect anything less."

(Spot - how many changes? Including the paragraph marks?)

I'd also have used [said Phara, at end of paragraph] rather than [Phara said, beginning of paragraph]. Reading literotica, I have seen 'great plots, dreadful punctuation/editing/spelling' or 'well edited, spelled correctly, homonyms all sorted, lacking something...' Point is: as the storyteller, you are writing for someone else's enjoyment.

Tips:

* use a grammar as well as spelling checker;

* get someone else to read it before you post it;

# (it's almost impossible to fully edit one's own work - one sees what one expects, not what is)

* read around for basic traps and techniques;

# (POV, head-hopping, past-future-present?)

And keep writing!!

I really liked the story, good first try, but you need to proof read it a little more. Also, check your dialogue. Keep it up.

To respond to a few things, thank you for the comments on the story in general and i shall have to make sure to get my next chapter properly proofread and edited. In my defense on the equipment i guess i wanted to do something a little more authentic feeling to the star wars universe so i wanted to keep any "making stuff up" down to a minimal.

Proper nouns shut readers down. Too many details distract from the story.

Also, use subject pronouns. You started about a million sentences with "The female bounty hunter..."

Even as a novice Star Wars fan I found this a difficult read.

this was cool and i just want to know when the next will be out

I know that I'm no where near the perfect writer, but you should pick a tense and do your best to stick with it, love.

There was too much past-and-present tense going on.

An example (not a direct quote): She looked (past tense) around the cargo bay and then reaches (present tense) into her bag to pull (present) out her blaster and then she fired (past) into the approaching bodies.

See how that jumps around?

Also, be VERY careful of your run-on sentences. There were simply too many, "and then"s in your sentences.

The story line was an awesome job in the imagination department!

As was said before, KEEP WRITING! Keep asking for and accepting criticism and pointers. THAT is the mark of a good writer. ;-)

There is no need to put the full description for everything. Once you've established it, you can just leave it as "med droid" or "droid" for example.

Also, don't leave speech stuck in the middle of the paragraph. Make it separate. Otherwise it's hard to read clearly.

Other than that, i'm interested to see how it goes.

Keep Trying! :)

More please!!

Congratulations on becoming a Literotica author.

Good first story, very detailed and descriptive. Waiting for ch 2.