Breaking a Good Man

Editor's Note: this submission contains mentions of fictional suicide. Reader discretion advised.

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My name is Thomas. I am a successful budget manager for a large corporation, and make more than a good living. This has allowed me and my wife the ability to live a comfortable life in a large beautiful home, travel and have almost anything we want. My wife Meg and I have been married a little more than 15 years. I have always loved my wife with all my heart and soul since we got together. I always believed that we had a great and fulfilling relationship. I try to be there for her while giving her the freedom she needs. I try to be sensitive to her needs. Our sex life isn't always that exciting, but it's good. At least to me it was always good. I never wanted more.

Until 2 weeks ago, I always thought Meg felt the same way. Then during our weekly date night as we were having dinner she told me the most painful thing I have ever heard.

"Honey, I don't want you to be angry or get upset, but do you remember Trevor from my office?"

Of course I knew Trevor. Over the last few years I had met him at a few of the office parties her employer threw each year. At each party I would eventually see Meg talking with Trevor, and there was no mistaking the look in his eye as he lusted after her. He was tall, incredibly good looking, and always had a number of other women talking to him. But at every party I could see he focused a lot of his attention on Meg. I trusted Meg, and thought she was just flirting a bit, stroking her ego with the interest of a very desirable man. I did notice that after these nights she was particularly amorous, and always wanted to make love. But I never thought she really liked him that much. I nodded that I remembered him.

"Well, you know he has had kind of a thing for me for a while."

"Yeah, I guess I figured that out. What are you getting at. Is there something going on between you?"

"No, honey. Not yet. I would never go behind your back. But Trevor has been asking me out for a long time, and I have decided that I am going to say yes just once. In two weeks on Saturday he is taking me to dinner, then we are going to a hotel room where I am going to let him fuck me."

I was stunned. Tears came to my eyes. I could not believe what she was saying. I managed to stammer out, "Are you asking for a divorce to be with him?"

With this she put her hand on my arm and solidly said, "No, no, no. It's only sex. Really honey. That's all." She paused and went on. "I have been pretty happy with our sex life over the years, but I have begun to wonder what it would be like with another man. As you know I did not have that much experience when we got married. Anyway, I just think it would feel good, and might even liven up our sex life."

"But, no. I do not want a divorce. You are the only man I have ever loved, and me doing this does not mean I love you any less than I always have. It just means I want to try something new sexually. Think of it as me going and masturbating with Trevor as the dildo." She laughed trying to lighten the mood.

She could see how upset I was. I started to say, "I never thought..." but it trailed off. "I don't get it. You tell me you love me, but you feel the need to be with another man?"

"Yes. Thomas, please try to understand. While I am still young enough to attract a man like Trevor, I just need to try this. But I don't have any feelings for Trevor. I only love you. You mean the world to me, and I don't want to lose that. The only feeling I have for Trevor is lust. And I won't sneak around behind your back. That's why I am telling you before I do this. You will know exactly where and when. I would never seek out another man for a relationship. I just need to try sex with one."

I stammered again, "But, but what if you really like it? What if the sex is more exciting, and is better than the sex we have?"

"Then I may want to do it again. But that doesn't mean it's still not just sex. If I do you will know and I will explain to you why." She said.

"What about our sex life?" I asked.

"Thomas, when we have sex, we make love. It's loving and a totally different connection than I could ever have with another man. That won't change at all. I don't want you less. Actually, I think that by doing this it will possibly put a real charge into our sex life. I believe that we will end up being together a lot more after this." She replied.

I just sat there stunned. I could not believe this was happening. I said to her, "Meg, I love you. You are my whole world. I would never do this, even if a beautiful woman literally chased me. I have never wanted to be with anyone but you. So, I really don't get it. Is it possible for me to give you what you need without you having to be with Trevor? Would you reconsider doing this?" I asked her.

She was quiet for a moment, then slowly she shook her head back and forth saying softly, "No. I need to do this. Please just try to understand. It won't change anything between us."

I was shaking. I stood up. "I have to go. I can't handle staying here any longer."

Meg got up and followed me out of the restaurant. When we got outside I said, "I need some time alone. I need to think."

"That's alright. It's hard to see it from my perspective. I get that." She said. I drove her home, then parked the car and went for a walk.

As I walked, I thought over and over again through what Meg had said. Over the years, my love for Meg never waned. If anything it had gotten stronger. I thought about her being with Trevor, and I immediately started shaking again, and tears ran down my cheeks.

I considered what she said about it just being sex. Meg told me this would not change her love for me, but I doubted it. My first thoughts were how to get her to not go through with it. I thought that if I threatened divorce, she may see how serious I was, and give it up. But I always came back to the knowledge that if she did give it up, she would carry with her this desire that she would know I stopped her from fulfilling. I could not help but see that it would put a permanent barrier in our relationship.

After a couple of hours I considered letting her do it, and going along with it. What if I actually approved of her being with Trevor? By doing this, would I be ensuring the long term health of our relationship? Even with as much as it hurt me, I thought that this may be the only way I could save my marriage. And, maybe she would do this once, and that would be it.

But, no matter how I thought about it, I could not help but feel it as a rejection of me as her sole lover. I felt like she was telling me I was not enough for her, and I was not good enough any longer. As I continued to walk, this thought hurt so badly that I began to openly cry. I came to realize that once she did this, I would always feel like I was not good enough while I was with her. I would always believe that she needed to be with another man to be fulfilled. I would never be able to just live with it. I might with enough time, and Meg's resuming of our marriage without outside partners, get over it. But I actually doubted that I would.

Finally at about 4AM I let myself in, and was exhausted enough to fall asleep on the couch. I had come to a conclusion, but had a lot to do to get ready for it before her date with Trevor.

The two weeks passed slowly. On the weekend in between we had sex for what I thought would be the last time, and I was surprised that it was not lacking any of the passion or love that we always shared. I was sad though, and could not help but be choked up as we lay intimately together afterwards. She assumed based on the intimacy that I had dealt positively with her planned date, so she asked. I just said I was not ready to talk about it.

In all the years that we had been together, we never yelled at each other. Sometimes she would lose her temper, or get emotional and let me have it, but I had only raised my voice about once every five years at most, and could not even remember the last time I got really upset. I just loved her too much to get angry with her. I always just tried to get her to calm down, and normally we could talk through whatever the problem was. In some ways, this was no different. We did not yell and scream or argue even though it was clear that I completely disagreed with what she was going to do.

Finally the Saturday came when Meg was going to meet Trevor. Their date was at 5PM, and after getting ready, she came down stairs at about 2PM. She looked absolutely gorgeous. My wife has beautiful dark brown hair that falls in curly ringlets down around her face and down onto her neck. She has large beautiful green eyes and flawless almost porcelain skin. Her face has been compared a lot to Natalie Portman, and I admit it is close. But to me Meg is more beautiful. She has firm C cup breasts, and nicely rounded hips with a narrow waste. In short she has a very womanly figure. She is in my eyes perfect. I was sitting at the table, and she sat down next to me and took my hand.

"Honey, I am going in a couple of hours. I still need you to tell me that you are alright with this. You don't even have to say anything. I know it upsets you, but just nod yes if you understand I need to do this, and that you know this changes nothing between us."

I looked her in the eyes, and said. "I have decided what I am going to do." She nodded yes, expecting I think for me to say that I would wait up for her and deal with it. That is not what I said as I went on. "Here's the thing. You know how much I love you. All I've ever wanted since the day we got together was to share the rest of my life with you." I took a breath. "This really hurts."

Meg started to say something, but I held up my hand. "Please, hear me out." She stopped. "The thing is, I have tried to think about what it would be like afterwards between us. I get that you think it changes nothing. But to me, I feel like this is a rejection of me as a lover and as a person, and I will always wonder if you are thinking of him and would rather be with him. I'll never think I am good enough."

She was starting to get upset and I could see that as her mascara started to run. "So what are you saying? You want a divorce over this one night?"

I shook my head. "No. I've thought that through, and the truth is if we divorce, my life without you would be empty. I know I could never love again. I would be alone in every way possible. I just can't imagine moving on and living my life without you."

"So, you are saying that you are not alright with this, but you are not leaving. I am so relieved to hear you say that. You'll see. We'll work through this. It will be fine." She said.

"No. It won't ever be fine. But no I am not asking for a divorce. I have given this a lot of thought over the last two weeks, and made a decision. Because of that we have some things to talk through before you leave to be with him."

She looked very unsure now, because if I was not divorcing her or leaving then what else was there we could not discuss tomorrow?

"I made some changes to some things this week. First of all, all of our accounts including the home are in your name now. There is no money, even my retirement account, that you do not have direct access to. In the drawer under the microwave are all the account books and all the paperwork for that."

"Why are you telling me this?" She asked.

"I told you, because I made a tough decision, and am following through on it." I answered.

"But if you aren't leaving why do I need to be on all the accounts?" She asked again.

"Look Meg. I love you. I want you to be happy. I truly do. You may not believe that, but it really is the most important thing to me now. I also know that I can't deal with this and just go on. So, in those accounts, plus a large life insurance policy is enough money to pay off the house and live a good life."

She finally understood where I was going. She stood up from the table. "No! No you are not killing yourself! You wouldn't do that! I don't believe it!" She screamed at me.

Calmly I said. "Please sit down. Let me explain." She slowly lowered herself back into the chair with untrusting eyes. "Meg, I can't live with you being with another man. I hate myself for not being enough for you. The one person in the world that is and has been the most important to me for all these years, and I am not good enough to be enough for you. I am so lacking in fulfilling your needs that you have to be with another man to fill your needs." She was crying now and shaking her head back and forth. "I just hate myself for that, and that will never go away. It hurts so badly. I am in anguish and pain all the time. I need the pain to stop. I need it to stop now."

I went on. "It will be alright for you. I know you Meg. One of the things I did not believe for a moment was that you were going to have sex with Trevor, and it would just be sex. For you sex has always been mixed with emotion. When you have sex with him the first time, whether you tell yourself it is just sex or not, you will start to care about him. You will want that high back, and do it again and again. Over time, you will fall in love with him. I know this. It is just a matter of time."

"No I won't!" She screamed again at me. "You're ruining everything. Why do you have to do this? I would have had a quick fling that meant nothing, and come back to you more appreciative of what we have. Instead you make this all about you, and about how you feel. How do you think I will feel if I know that you killed yourself over this?" She said with an impassioned voice.

"I think at first you will feel bad. It will hurt you, because I believe you do love me in some way. But I also know that you did not pick Trevor out of a hat. You two have had a thing for each other for a long time. The truth is you have wanted to be with him for years now. You should admit this much to yourself at least."

This startled her. I went on, "What I think is that doing this will give you a chance to start over with someone who maybe you can love completely the rest of your life. You will start with Trevor. You two will fall in love. Eventually he can move in here, and you will be happy with him, and a memory of me."

She was sobbing. "Don't you see Meg? This is for the best and the way it has to be. I love you so much that I want you to be happy, and this is the only thing I can think to do that will make you happy in the long run. You are a very resilient woman. You will get over me. It will take time, but I bet within a year, you and Trevor will be happy together here in a way that I obviously could never make you happy."

She took a moment and said in a softer voice, "Fine. You wanted to stop me from being with Trevor. You have stopped me. I won't go tonight. Are you happy now? I'll call him and tell him right now." She grabbed her cell and began to dial.

I put my hand on the cell. "Don't do that. Stop."

She stopped dialing. "Why? Are you giving up on this stupid idea?"

"No." I replied calmly. "You should go ahead and be with Trevor. You not going tonight would change nothing." This statement made her look completely confused.

"But why? You're all upset that I am going to be with another man. Now I'm not doing it, so you can stop. What is your problem?"

I explained. "Meg, you have to understand. I'm not just upset that you are going to be with another man. I am broken completely because I now know that I am not enough for you. We can't go back. The pain is there, and whether you go or not tonight, I know that eventually you will be with him because as you said, you need to be. And I still need to end this pain."

"This makes no sense. You make no sense. I was up front with you. I could have just gone behind your back and had an affair, but no. Because I love you I decided to tell you, and this is what I get? You're crazy. You know who I am going to call? The police, because you need to be in a padded room." She said yelling again.

Calmly I responded, "I am completely sane. I simply cannot face my life any longer, and have very rationally decided to do the one thing that will end the pain while doing everything I can to ensure your happiness when I am gone. Now before you call the police, just listen a moment."

"What? What else?" She said.

"If you call the police I will just get in my car and drive off to where I have already planned to do this. Also don't worry about anyone thinking this is a suicide and the life insurance not paying, if that is a worry. I have a large number of Fentanyl pills. You won't even have to see me. I will take the pills, and it will just look like an overdose. They'll find my car, see that I overdosed and that will be it. It's easy for you, and you get everything you want. You can be with Trevor, have enough money to live how you want, and you won't have to deal with this crazy man over here anymore." I stopped there.

The look on her face was now just sad. "You're serious aren't you?"

"Yes. I am completely serious. It does not matter what you do now. The damage is done, and I am psychologically ruined. I won't be able to move on from this with or without you." I paused. "You need to go to him, and begin your new life. I want you to. I want you to be happy, and I truly believe you will be in time this way."

With this, she broke down. "I never even considered the possibility this would hurt you like this. I don't really understand. I told you I still love you. I've never stopped loving you. I don't want to trade you for him. I don't ever want to marry him. You think I'm going to fall in love with him just because I have sex with him?"

I interrupted her, "No, I think that you have been infatuated with him for a long time, and once you consummate your relationship the natural progression will happen. Can you tell me right now that you have not wanted him for a long time, and that he has not made it clear that he has wanted you for a long time?"

"I will admit that he has been after me, and yes I have been attracted to him for a long time. But I don't have any relationship with him." She said.

"No, but you will once you have sex with him and form that bond, and that's that. I can't compete with years of longing. I don't want to compete with that." I said as she cried. "Listen, if you want, I can call Trevor and explain what is happening. I bet when I explain that I am getting out of his way that he will commit to you even before you meet him tonight. I think you know he will." Soothingly I said, "it will all work out for you, you can be happy again."

Her head was down and she was shaking her head back and forth. "No. No. No. I don't want to spend the rest of my life with him. I am telling you right now that I could never love him like I love you. Can't you accept that? Can't you see? Thomas, lots of men let their wives fool around, and it turns them on. I actually thought you may be excited about being with me after I was with another man. I actually thought this might strengthen our marriage. I've read about others who have done this, and have friends who have. They are doing fine together. They didn't leave their husbands. And neither would I. Never. "

I listened quietly. I moved to the chair right in front of her and took her hands in mine. "Meg, I know you believe that right now. Even if I do believe that, you have to understand that I am broken now. Nothing can change the fact that I know you want to be with someone else, and that I am not enough for you. I will never get over it, or get passed it. It has destroyed me. I just need to end this now. And, you need to go to Trevor and fulfill your desires."

She held my hands tightly, not letting go. "I am not going to let you do this. I'm not. Yes, I wanted to do this, just once to see what it's like. That's all. But if it means your death, there is no way I am going anywhere. I am staying right here by your side until you give up on this, and start to get better. We need to go right now to get help for you. Will you do that for me? Let me call 911, and we will go together so you can get the help you need before you do something that can't be undone. Please, won't you just try?"