Breaking a Good Man

I looked her squarely in the eyes, and let my hands go limp. "No. Being here with you now I can see that you can't see things through my eyes. It does not make sense to you. To you I am feeling emotional, and that time of intense pain will stop, if I can get passed it. That is true for you, and that is what I mean when I say that you are a truly resilient woman. I admire you for this. But that is not me. I have built my life around you and your love. I could go to thousands of hours of counseling, and the pain won't diminish at all. I will simply live in complete agony."

I paused a moment to let this sink in. "I am asking you now. Please, if you do love me, let me go. Let me end this pain, and move on with your life. Please, I am begging you. And the truth is, you won't be able to stop me, and I think you know that. But just like you did not want to leave until you knew I was alright with what you are doing, I would rather not do this until I know that you will be able to move on and start your new relationship."

"While then you can't go, because I won't. If I know you are really going to end your life, then there is no way I could ever have any relationship with Trevor because I would always know that my desire for him is what led to your death." She said through the tears.

"Come on Meg. You were willing to go and do this no matter how I felt about it. You made it clear that you 'needed' to do this. Not that you wanted to. I asked you specifically if it was possible for me to be enough for you and you not need to be with him. I remember well that you said 'No, I need to do this.' This is what I have had to deal with. What I knew was you needed to be with him, but you never said you needed me also. I can't see where me doing this changes your need to be with him."

Meg shook her head again. "I only said that because I assumed that even if it bothered you, I would be able to make things alright between us afterwards. I thought even if you got really upset and left for a bit, we would put things back together. I had even decided that if you were determined that you would divorce me if I did it, then I wouldn't do it. If I had thought me doing this would cause your suicide I wouldn't have ever put it this way. I do need you. I need you far more than I want to be with him. I just thought I could do both, and it would be alright. Now I see it won't be. I didn't mean it the way you took it. Do you really think that I needed him and not you?"

Now I had to think. "That's what you said. Yes, I thought that you wanted to keep me around to take care of you, but that you needed him to be your new lover and new love of your life." I stopped and we sat for a moment, both of us thinking. "Listen, I hear that you did not really mean that you don't need me. I also hear that you still love me. I believe you. But I also believe that your heart is set on being with him. I've watched you the last two weeks, and I can tell how excited you are to be with him."

"How excited I was." She burst in. "All that is gone now obviously."

"Alright, how excited you were." I went on. "That desire is still there. You think that I will get over this, and somehow get better mentally. But I know I won't, just like I know you will never get over your desire to be with him. Let's say we both just say this was a mistake in understanding, and try to return to our life together. You know that is not going to work. Yes, you did not go behind my back and have an affair. But, you have been talking with Trevor. I think you know that as the two of you planned this over time you have both built up an incredible desire for each other. I bet you have had long passionate conversations on the phone with him. Haven't you?"

Meg cried and cried, but finally said softly, "yes."

"The truth is, you and Trevor already have a very passionate relationship just minus the consummation. You're not going to be able to just put that aside and forget it. Not while you know he is there wanting you and waiting for you. So, you are telling me you love me more than you could ever love him, and need me more than you want to be with him. But over the last few months while you had me, you needed this passionate relationship with someone else. Do you understand what I am saying?"

"Yes, you are telling me I was already cheating on you behind your back just by talking with him and planning. All I can say is that I'm sorry. I guess I knew it was wrong, but that's exactly why I told you before we did anything together. It was just talk. You can't tell me I had some great relationship with him in phone conversations." Meg countered.

"No, that is not what I am saying at all. What I am saying is that you were right to do that."

This nearly made her fall out of her chair, "What!?"

I continued, "Really. While I was with you, everyday by your side, you felt the overpowering need to reach out and form a relationship with someone else. That is why I hate myself, and why I can't go on. The fact is I am not good enough. You do need someone more to be happy. I will never make you happy. You will always want him, and even though you love me, you will always long for him. Meg, what I am telling you as the man who loves you more than life itself, is I want you to go. I want you to try to be happy in your new relationship, and let me end my pain. You are sitting here now telling me you love me and need me because of the stability and the life we have together. You aren't saying this because of the loving passionate relationship we have. If that were true you never would have needed to be with him. That is why I am still providing you with the money and security you need. Please, go and let me go." I implored her.

Meg just sat crying. She still had not let my hands go. We sat together for a while. I was thinking hard. My mind was set, but so was hers. She said, "No matter what, I am not losing you over this. You talk about never getting over this. If I know my actions caused your suicide, I will never be whole again. So if you have to do this, I understand. But, you're taking me with you. We'll take that drive together. I'm sure you have enough pills for both of us. You have to die because you are broken, and by doing so I will die inside. So, if this is what has to happen, then let's go. We'll die together."

This shook me completely. "Be serious."

She just said, "I am. If I have killed you, then I will die with you because I have already killed myself and just didn't know it."

"Come on." I said. "The woman who just two weeks ago told me she needed to be with another man is not going to kill herself over losing me. What if I had not told you what I was going to do and just did it while you were gone tonight? What would you have done then? You would have established your relationship with Trevor, and I would be gone. You would go on. You would think I was crazy, or secretly a drug addict, and move on with your life and your relationship with him. Once again I have to ask why this changes anything. "

What she said made me think again. "You really don't understand what you mean to me. You are way more than just money and stability to me. I will admit to you that I got caught up in the fantasy of sex with Trevor. But just like any fantasy, I knew the reality would never live up to it. You think I would have fallen in love with him. But I know I would have been disappointed and back to you never looking back again. My need to do this was my need to stop thinking about anyone else, not a need to be with him for the rest of my life. Can't you see that?"

This statement really made me wonder. Maybe I did have it all wrong. Maybe Meg really did love me only, and need me only, and her being with Trevor was just a way to once and for all get her mind off of him. I thought to myself what it would mean if she really did just go and have sex with him once, and that would be it. If then she was committed to me the rest of our lives together without any reservations or other desires. I also remembered what she said when I asked her 'what if she liked it,' and she said then she would do it again but tell me. I thought about it for a few minutes.

"Alright, I am not going through with it, at least not now. Under a couple of conditions." I finally said.

The relief on her face was amazing to see. She went from complete sadness to being calm in a matter of a few seconds. "Of course, whatever they are, to keep you with me I will do it."

"That's good to know. I promise you right now that if you do these things, I will not hurt myself in any way. Until this is done at least." I said.

She still looked so relieved. "I'm not sure what you mean by done. To me it is done."

"No, Meg. Look, you just said you need to process your feelings for Trevor for you to be completely with me." She started to protest, but I went on. "You just said you would do what I asked if I promised this, so please just listen."

"Alright, alright. I will. If you assure me you won't hurt yourself or leave me in any way. So if your condition is a divorce or you or I move out, then I can't do that either. We are staying together, and you won't do anything to hurt yourself. Then I will agree to anything else you ask of me."

"That is all I need, and like I said, you have my solemn promise that I will not hurt myself, or leave you. Actually, I promise you right now that I will never divorce you or leave you as long as I live, so there is no reason to worry about that." I said.

"Good. That's really good. Now what else do you want me to do. Do you want to go away for a vacation together, or go to counseling, or do something else together to try to put this whole thing in the past?" She asked.

"No Meg. I don't think that will be enough for us to move passed this, and renew our love. The fact is, I will need you to still process through your feelings for Trevor. My main conditions are that you go and be with him tonight, and that when you get back you tell me every detail about it and how you feel. I won't do anything. I will stay here, and just wait. I promise." I said.

The look of relief immediately turned to one of shock. "I can't do that now. After all this, I can't go have sex with Trevor. I don't want to anymore. I see now that it hurt you way more than I ever imagined. I can't possibly even think about sex tonight. You can't..."

I interrupted her, "That is my condition. If you want me to not end my life, and you want me to stay, then you will go and be with Trevor. It's that simple. If you do not go, then I will follow through on my plan. You said you needed to end the fantasy that you had built up, so I need you to either do that, or see if it is more than just a fantasy."

She could not believe what I was saying. "But I can't. How can I go and do this knowing how much this desire has hurt you?"

"You can because you know that if you don't I am dead. I am dead tonight. So you are going, knowing all the implications of what you are doing, but also knowing that not going leads to something you don't want to happen. So, dry your eyes. Put yourself together, and go do what you had planned to do knowing I will be right here when you get back. And, you will have that chance to put things back together afterwards just like you originally wanted." I said.

"But... but.." She stammered. "But no matter what, when I come back...."

"I will be here waiting for you." I finished her sentence. "Your real question is what will I think when you come back. I think we both understand that you will tell me it was just like you thought, terrible and that the fantasy is forever ended. You will tell me this because you know that is what you have to say to keep me safe. So you are wondering, what's the point? You are also thinking that because of how you feel right now, no matter what it will be a negative experience, so it won't mean anything. That may be true. We'll see. If it is true, then you come back to me with a bad experience and no more desire or need to be with anyone else."

She slowly understood. She looked me in the eyes and asked, "This is really the only way to stop you?"

"It is." I answered. I then looked at my watch. "It's 4. You need to get yourself together and go now. Go on."

She looked over at the clock on the microwave, but did not move. Finally, almost painfully, she got up and went to the bathroom. While she was in the bathroom, I grabbed her cell phone, went in to the settings and turned on her GPS tracking. Then I recorded the IP address so I could track where she was.

A few minutes later she came out looking almost as beautiful as she did when she came down the stairs a couple of hours ago. Except, gone was the spark of excitement that was in her eyes, and the corners of her mouth and eyes were clearly dropped down in sadness. She came over, I stood up and she hugged me hard. She held me for over a minute before she finally let go, grabbed her cell and went to the garage. I heard her car start, drive out of the driveway, and drive down the street. The house was then completely still.

Even though I wasn't hungry, I made some dinner and ate. I tried to watch some television, but then I got out my laptop. I could not stop thinking about what had happened and the discussion we had. So, I wrote this account. As I did so, I looked up a few times where she was. At first she had just been driving around, but then she went to where she said they were meeting. So I knew she had followed through as she knew she had to. I did need to know if she would completely do what she had planned, or just say she did. After I tracked her phone to the hotel, I knew.

After I finished typing what had happened, I fell asleep on the couch. I am not too sure how long I was asleep.

It is now a day since I wrote the first part. After writing down everything to this point I know I have to finish this now so if everything works out I will remember.

Very early in the morning, I heard the garage door open, and I heard her car drive back in. In another minute she was back in the house. She came in, put down her stuff, and came to sit down next to me on the couch. I looked at her, and she looked at me.

She looked unsure, and still looked sad. Finally she asked, "Do you want to talk about it, or are you too tired?"

"I was asleep for awhile so I'm fine. But if you are too tired we can talk tomorrow." I answered.

"No, I'm not too tired. I.... I rested a little too." I could tell she wanted to be very careful about what she said.

"Then we should talk about it while you remember. Besides, I don't think I could sleep now anyway."

She nodded agreement, "Me neither."

"Before you tell me what happened I need you to know that no matter what you tell me I am not going to run off and do anything. I promised you that, and I will stick to that promise. But also, I know you Meg. I know you very well. I can tell when you're being dishonest. If you tell me something, and I figure out you're lying, it will make things as bad as they can possibly be. Please just be honest, and I will be completely honest and forthright in my response. Do you agree to this?" I asked.

"Yes, I agree. And you really will stick to your promise no matter what you perceive or think?" She asked back.

"Yes, I will." I said. "So, what happened?"

She took a deep breath. "You know how I felt when I left here. The last thing I wanted to do was meet up with a man who had caused us so much pain. But I also knew, as you said, that to end this and move on with our lives I needed to meet him. In being honest I will tell you that I thought hard about how I could get out of it, and I dialed his number a few times planning to cancel and thinking I would just drive around and then go home. I knew though that if I went home without meeting him at all, you would know. But at first my plan was to meet him, tell him I could not go through with it, then go home. Then I remembered what you said you would do if I did not follow through, so...."

"Before you go on, you need to know that I tracked your phone. I knew where you went. I thought you might do that." I said.

Her eyes went wide with surprise, and I could see she wanted to be angry about it, but given the circumstances all she could do was say, "I see. So you know I met him at the restaurant?"

"Yes, I know, go on." I said.

"Alright, we met. I thought about telling him everything that was going on, but I thought if he knew all of it, he might not want to do what we had planned. I could tell he knew I was a little less excited and more troubled than he thought I would be. He asked me a number of times how I was feeling. I just said I was nervous because this was the first time I had ever done anything like this, and he seemed to accept that. We talked for a while, and to relax enough to go through with it, I had three strong drinks. After a while the drinks started to relax me, and Trevor reached over, put his arm around me and asked if I was ready to go. At first I pulled back a bit, but the drinks really hit me and I said yes."

"So how were you feeling then?" I asked.

"Aside from being drunk?" She said. "I don't know. I had so many thoughts going around my head. I let him lead me out of the restaurant, and he left his arm around me while we walked over to the hotel. He had already checked in, so we went straight to the elevator. I tripped a little on the carpet because I was so out of it, and he caught me. We went to the fifth floor room 511. I think we got there around 730. We went in the room, and you know, we had sex. Then I came home."

"Wait." I stopped her from thinking that was that. "Meg, I need you to tell me exactly what happened. You were there all night. It may be uncomfortable, but I need to know."

"You want me to describe what we did? Sexually? Thomas why do you want me to do that? It will only hurt you. I did what you told me I had to. I did not want to, but I did. Now I'm home, and we never have to talk about it again." She concluded.

I just sat still and stared at her. "Meg, I need to know. I need you to talk about it. Only by you telling me what exactly you did will I know."

She was getting a little upset now. "Know what? You know I had sex with him. That's all there is to know. What do you want? Why would some graphic description tell you anything?"

"I just need to know Meg. I think you know exactly what I really need to know, and only by you telling me about it in details will I really know." I responded.

"What? You want to know if I liked it? If I liked him? You want to know if I still want him? Well I can just tell you without all that. No. I'm glad it's over. I don't want to see him ever again. It's done." She said with finality.

I still sat motionless staring at her. I continued to watch her, and as I did she got fidgety. Finally she said, "If that's it then I'm going to go to bed and try to get some sleep." But I continued to just stare at her, and watch her closely. "What?" She said.

"I think we talked before you left about how well I know you. We also talked about the fact that you would come back and tell me it was terrible and it ended the fantasy forever. I also told you just a few minutes ago I can tell when you're being dishonest. Listen. If you want to get all the way through this, keep me, and possibly repair our relationship, then you are going to have to tell me everything. Every detail you can remember. Do I want to hear it? No. But I need to, and if you want those things you will tell me everything."

"I'm not being dishonest." She almost screamed. "How do you tell someone the truth when you know they won't believe it?"

"I will believe the truth when I hear it. But to be able to know, to really know, I need you to tell me what happened. I need you to tell me exactly what happened. Then I will know." I explained. "If you want to go to bed, alright you can tell me about it tomorrow. I will still be here. Or, you can tell me now, all of it, and be done with it."