Broken Defence - Revised -- Pt. 02

Part 2 of the revised version of Broken Defence. I hope you enjoy.

Content warning: this story hints at and sometimes directly addresses some of the following themes: self-harm, bullying, cyber bullying, suicidal thoughts.

I hope to have done the subject matter justice but please proceed with that warning in mind.

All characters where sex is referenced are over 18.

****

The next morning, I picked Georgia up with two large coffees in the holders. "What's the occasion?" Georgia eyed me suspiciously. "Ew, you've had a girl over."

I laughed loudly. "Nope, but good luck getting that image out of your head."

We drove in silence for a while until I had a brainwave. "Do me a favour, message Alf and get him to come in and talk some pictures of Holly for your social media posts."

"We're not sure she'll be in, are we?"

"She'll be there," I said confidently.

Sure enough, Holly was on the training pitch when I walked down the corridor later that morning and looked across the field through the gallery window. She looked to be taking part in a possession drill and was going in with full intensity. She looked focused. When the drill broke down, she had a conversation with her training partners and then went to do some keepie uppies to the side, tongue pressed against her cheek in concentration. Alf was on the edge of the field snapping away. I walked back to my office with a wide smile.

Holly caught me on her way to the car park after training. By that, I mean that I made sure I was hanging around at the right time 'by pure coincidence'. Holly went to hug me and then stopped herself, aware of where she was, and I guess not quite ready to have to answer questions.

"I saw your note," she said, fiddling with the strap of her bag. "Do you want to hang out later?"

"Sure," I said, not about to play it cool. "Why don't you come over to my house, if you're comfortable with that?"

"Tom, I've always been very comfortable with you so yes, I look forward to seeing your bachelor pad," she winked.

She started to move towards her car and then turned briefly. "I'll message you in a little bit so you can text me your address. I have some things to do this afternoon and I expect it's going to make you quite busy, so I'll bring some beers with me to apologise."

"Wait, what? What are you gonna do?" I asked to her retreating back. She just pulled up the hood of her grey hoodie and kept walking.

It was just after lunch when Georgia discovered why I was going to be busy. "Erm Tom, I just tried to tag Holly in these pictures, and she's deleted her accounts, Facebook and Instagram."

"Oh great," I said, playing it cool by relying on my sarcasm as my heart sped-up. "So glad she didn't tell us, I'm sure she'd hate knowing she'd just killed our afternoon."

As expected, we got calls from the press trying to dig for a story. "Has she been suspended by the club?", "Is this to do with the video?"

I downplayed it all and eventually managed to quieten down the questions enough for us to leave. Georgia had kept an eye on social media and reported any posts that contained some of the more offensive comments. It had created quite the stir in our little world.

Holly had messaged me earlier in the day with a cute little emoji and an apology. She was coming over just after rush hour had died down which gave me some time to clean up.

When she arrived, I got a proper hug and a very quick kiss on the cheek that Holly looked extremely embarrassed about. I glossed over it, not intending to make her feel bad about anything while she was around me. I gave her a little tour which didn't take long and then invited her to sit down while I cracked open a couple of the San Miguels she had brought over. "You still drink them, right?"

"How did you remember that?!" I replied.

She didn't answer, just clicked my bottle.

"How bad was it today?" Holly asked, pointing toward her phone.

I chuckled. "You've created quite a stir. I had to drop Caroline a note in case she started getting calls about a falling out."

"She knows, I told her I was going to do it and I've asked to be put in touch with a therapist. I need to face my shit, not run from it or else use you as one."

"I don't mind Holly, whatever you need," I said, genuinely.

"Na, you've heard enough. Besides, I have other uses for you," she said with a wink. I felt my pulse quicken.

"My my, is Holly Dane flirting with me?"

"It's less sexy when you refer to me in the 3rd person like that," she quipped.

She paused and then looked me in the eyes, trapping me in her hazel. "What were the comments like?"

I knew what she meant. "They were fine," I somewhat lied. "Not as bad as you think."

She nodded but didn't buy it, as far as I could see. "Have you watched the video? Be honest with me."

Well, that's a mood killer, I thought. This wasn't something I could lie about to save her feelings. If she caught me out on this one, it wouldn't be easily forgotten.

"Yes, but not for... pleasure," I said, somewhat awkwardly, refusing to look at her and staring instead at the tv. "I was making sure I wasn't about to see one of my team in it."

"I hate that you saw it."

I didn't have anything to say so I didn't say anything.

"Have you heard all the rumours about how slutty I am?" Holly's tone was even as she asked me.

I couldn't help but think of how much of a contrast it was from the initial conversations we had about sex all those years ago. Now it seemed that she was the experienced one.

"Yes," I said awkwardly.

"Do the rumours bother you?" Holly asked with just a hint of apprehension.

I took a sip of beer, thinking about it. "No, they don't bother me. Don't get me wrong, I don't love what I picture when I think about that, but I guess it was always a possibility that you'd do it after investing so much in me and that falling apart as it did."

"You knew, didn't you? In the pub, when I broke up with you." Holly kicked her trainers off and crossed her legs on the sofa, positioning herself in the corner of one side, facing me.

I was surprised but pleased that she felt so comfortable even during such an awkward topic. Her actions told me she was going nowhere.

"I like that you're making yourself comfortable," I said with a smile, finally turning my body to look at her and not staring ahead at the tv. "And yes, I knew."

She sighed and then said, "You've always been able to see into me, I've never known anyone to be able to do that as you do."

I smiled in a way that tried to convey some sympathy. I was still comprehending the fact that she had a lot of sex. Stupidly, I did hate it, even though I didn't care what anyone thought about her.

Holly punctuated the silence. "If you knew about the pub then you surely know why I've been pushing you away so hard?" I nodded gently at her tentative question so Holly continued with the same level of confidence, "I couldn't let you see what was happening to me. How I was dealing with it."

I sighed; I was growing more frustrated the more I thought about it. "It took me a long while to realise it because I was so thrown by how you were behaving. But it all clicked last weekend after I saw you in the changing room," I admitted.

"I knew it would," Holly nodded. "I knew it was coming. I was dreading it all weekend. I was between telling you and keeping it quiet but then you threw me with how you approached it when you came over. You were so forthright with it," Holly admitted, with a half-smile as though she was impressed by it.

I had no trouble smiling. "It was a masterplan, I admit," I teased, and Holly slapped my thigh playfully in response. "Your shell is very hard to permeate, so I had to try a different tactic."

Holly took a large sip of her beer, and I took advantage of the pause to do the same. It felt like we were getting to the root of all the tension and there was a strange kind of excitement in knowing that.

Holly spoke first.

"It's a horrible place to be when you hate yourself so much that you don't want any way to stop hating yourself," she said quietly.

I swallowed hard. Holly's admission was difficult to hear, and I just couldn't understand why it had come to this.

"Why Holly? Why do you hate yourself?" I asked gently.

It was met with a wry laugh. "I thought I'd said I was keen not to use you as a therapist?"

I laughed back, breaking some of the stress. "Well, you can save it for then, but I thought it might help if you shared. I do understand if you don't want to though," I offered.

"I can tell you but it's not going to be coherent because honestly Tom, my head's a mess."

I squeezed Holly's hand encouragingly and went to get us both another beer each, while Holly collected her thoughts. She took a large gulp on her return and then took a deep breath.

"When I left, I knew almost immediately that I'd made a mistake. I had this almost constant pit of dread. At first, I thought it was because I missed my family and missed you, but it never went away."

I kept myself very still and let Holly talk so as to not distract her from her flow. I noticed her free hand was scrunched into a fist as she spoke but gave it no comment.

"I couldn't do the things I might have done to ease the pressure because I was getting sponsorships. Nothing major, just local but they were probably a bit more demanding with it than I'd accept now. I couldn't risk any of that being on camera."

Holly paused, looking at her fingernails and tempted, clearly, to start biting them. "So, then I had to find a way to cope. And that's always been my problem, I could never cope. I hate myself for that, how weak I am."

I went to interject in protest, but Holly stopped me with an almost pleading look. Now she'd started, she wanted to keep going. I took another big sip of beer instead of talking.

"So, then I had to find other ways to ease the tension. It would have been alcohol, but I wasn't 21 so what else could a 19-year-old do?"

She paused and I almost answered but she continued before I could.

"I had sex, a lot." Holly was determinedly avoiding my eye as she spoke. "I've let people think I was a slut because it helped with my self-loathing," she grinned ruefully as this point and then looked up at me. "The fact is, I've been with less than 10 men but when you like being called a slut and like being treated like one, word gets around that you are."

"Huh," I replied aloud, ignorant to how poor a response that was.

Internally, I contemplated my own prejudgements based on whispers and based on a porn video released without Holly's approval. That didn't say a lot of positive things about me.

Holly was looking over at me as though she could see my brain working through my own judgements. She looked nervous as she watched me absorbing what she said.

It was no doubt through those nerves that she added, "I just want to clarify that the self-loathing comes from the connotations of what people think about me and not from the kinks that I have. I love that part of myself when I can let go and forget things. You should know that about me, for what it's worth."

I took Holly's hand and kissed it. I don't know why, but I did. "I've probably made some assumptions and let my knowledge of you over the last few years be guided by gossip. But even if it were true, it wouldn't change how I feel about you," I spoke to her genuinely, holding eye contact. I watched Holly visibly relax.

"I don't know why but that has really taken a weight off my shoulders. Everything is just so messy in my head Tom," she said with exasperation, almost slamming the bottle down onto the table. "I only talk like this to you, and I can see now that it's not enough. Part of me still wants you to think badly of me because I can't stop how I feel about myself but the other part of me..."

Holly trailed off and I gave her a minute to let her pick the sentence back up but when I prompted, she shook her head.

"Don't make me go there yet," she said quietly.

I had no idea where 'there' was, so I tried to change the subject slightly.

"Holly, you said you only talk like this to me. So, you've never opened up and been yourself with your exes?"

Holly didn't hide her surprise at my question. "No, they always saw what I wanted them to see. They all liked versions of me, some of them liked the same version. Lucas liked the housewife version in company and the slut in private. Or what was in private," she lamented.

She took a long swig of beer and took a lot of the bottle with it. I pushed the crisps and nuts I'd put out towards her, and she took a couple in her hand.

"It's much easier to be the someone that someone else wants you to be. There's much less to put on the line. I've never been able to be myself with anyone but you and closing myself back off after you was so painful. Like I say, I don't even talk like this with anyone but you." She laughed as she finished what she was saying, shaking her head in a bit of disbelief.

At some point, I'd stopped drinking my beer as I had been following Holly's every word. I stared into her eyes and smiled as she brushed her hair away.

"I'm talking a lot, aren't I?" She blushed, it always looked good on her when she did that. It was the kind of cute look that I knew could get her anything from anyone. Her trouble was that she didn't blush for anyone but me, it seemed.

"You're talking a good amount. This is good, I like it a lot Holly. Would you like to eat something?"

"Erm, maybe. Could you get whatever you fancy and then I'll just pick at it?"

I smiled reassuringly, no pressure. "I'll order some chinese," I said, getting out my phone and hunting for the delivery app.

We paused any further deep conversations while we waited for the food and ate it. Holly had a small bowl of boiled rice with an even smaller bit of chicken noodles on top, but I didn't press it, just told her where the crockery was and encouraged her to help herself.

"So, tell me about your exes?" Holly said when I'd finally finished eating. I could tell she'd been waiting to ask, having eyed my plate frequently.

I smiled outwardly but inwardly I was weighing it up. I decided to be honest, she deserved that after how honest she'd been across the last few hours.

"There's not much to tell," I started and then after Holly rolled her eyes I added, "No, seriously! I've been dreadful at dating. It's not that I can't turn dating into a relationship but once I'm in that space, I don't want to be."

"Great, so you're a commitment-phobe?" Holly teased in a way that betrayed genuine worry.

As premature as it was, I sought to assure her. "No, I wouldn't say that. It's more feeling like I'm in a relationship with the wrong person, not a lack of commitment. All of my actual relationships have lasted over a year," I said a little defensive which made Holly grin.

"Wrong person, huh?" Holly asked with a cheeky grin.

It was my turn to roll my eyes. "Yeah, still hoping to find her one day," I teased, putting Holly back in line. She didn't look pleased.

"Your first one sounded pretty good," she shot back.

"Yeah, it was great until she upped and left. And we didn't even have sex!" I teased, hoping I wasn't hitting a nerve but wanting to vocalise the regret I held.

Instead of replying, Holly took our bottles and got another beer each. I held my nerve and kept silent, which wasn't easy.

When she returned, she looked thoughtful but in an exaggerated way that kept up the game we were playing. Holly seemed more comfortable taking about it like this.

"Well maybe, this girlfriend of yours had put a lot of thought into losing her virginity. I reckon she'd have known you were 'The One' but by the time it became possible, America called, and she knew if it had crossed that barrier she'd never have left. She probably regrets it every day, I know I would."

Holly was deliberately looking away as she said it which was handy as it gave my cheeks time to flush and then calm down.

"I don't regret it at all, she left to pursue her dream and I'd have hated myself if I got between that," I admitted earnestly.

Holly gave up on pretence and looked over with tears in her eyes and in-tandem, I opened my arms wide as she moved to my chest where I squeezed her into a hug.

"I knew you could be someone special the second I saw you; did you know that?" Holly said into my chest.

"I didn't know that" I said truthfully, "and I have no idea why you thought it."

Holly pulled away and smiled sweetly. A degree of awkwardness swept over her as she tried to voice her words. It was a different kind of awkwardness this time, one that bordered on shyness. It was cute to watch her pale cheeks colour and I grinned in turn.

"Lucy had mentioned you a couple of times when talking about University and I don't know why but I just started picturing this handsome nerd," she grinned at me and continued, "and then there you were at her birthday. You were so cool and nerdy and interesting."

"I dunno about cool..." I trailed off.

"Then we got to talking that night and everything about you felt warm and safe. Fuck, that's cheesy but it's true. I just felt like I could be myself. There was no effort needed, you weren't telling me what I should and shouldn't be doing, you were genuinely interested in me. You're the best person that's ever been interested in me," Holly finished gently.

I shook my head in disbelief. "Nobody would believe me if I told them this side of you exists."

"Don't you dare," she teased.

By the end of the night and with little discussion about it, Holly stayed over. I took the couch again; I wouldn't hear a word against it.

She too left early the next morning and then was back again that evening. That continued for a couple of days as we slowly got used to being around each other again, which wasn't that easy. We'd both changed and it was a struggle for me to have someone suddenly in my home so frequently, but it felt natural to be around Holly, so it became easier every evening.

For one of the evenings, I cooked and made some fries on the side which she picked at while dipping them into tomato ketchup. She tried a small bite of the leftover chicken kebab on my plate and her eyes went wide. "This is excellent, when did you learn to cook?"

"I uh, fell into a bit of a bad depression when you left, to tell you the truth."

"-I'm so sorry."

"Holly don't be. We need to learn to talk to each other about that time without apologising about it, myself included or we'll have serious problems down the line. The reality is, that period shaped us both," I said gently, taking her by the hand and pointing us towards the couch now that we'd finished eating.

"You're right," she said, making herself comfortable again. "Trust a comms expert to be all preachy about comms. Continue."

There was a twinkle in her eye as she prompted me. She was learning what I needed from her.

"Oh yeah, ha," I chuckled, completely distracted by Holly working out how to grow with me. "So bad depression, yeah. It took me a while to get out of it and when I did, I made some changes. I stayed on top of keeping where I was living tidy, I exercised properly and I made sure to cook for myself too because not doing those things or not being able to do them, was a warning. Or is a warning, as I'm sometimes still in that place."

"Two things: one, is that why you cleaned up for me the other day? And two, has how I've been treating you been bringing that out? Don't look at me like that," she added, "you said yourself it was important to communicate."

"Yes, it was why I tidied. I personally would have found it overwhelming and if you're like me, I wanted to take some of that away from you. And no, your behaviour made me extremely sad but not depressed."