Broken Defence

"Just you wait," Naomi said, "Holly will be out of that retail job and signing a pro contract in no time," when I wisely turned the conversation back to them. Naomi had started to sing Holly's praises to me, as though I somehow needed convincing that she was way out of my league.

"I believe you!" I said with genuineness despite the lack of evidence.

A little while later they went to the bathroom together and promised to return. I saw Holly was an inch or two taller than Naomi. It suited her frame really well and it made me yearn for her return. I sat with my thoughts for a bit and was surprised at how quickly they returned with drinks in hand. Holly handed me another rum and coke with a smile. I smiled back and her smile grew as she slid passed me and sat down. By the time she was back in eyeline, her face was blushing brilliantly and it didn't take much smarts to work out she liked me. This is crazy I thought.

Most people, at that point, know what to do next. In years that went by, I knew what I should have done. Hell, I still had dark nights in bars where I cursed my decision and the time it lost us.

I should have continued the conversation and waited for Naomi to make an excuse to move away because I was sure she was going to do so at the time. They'd probably discussed it when they left. However, what I should have done and what I did do, were two different things. I let the conversation fall into awkwardness as I waited for Naomi to make her excuses and a panic set in within me as I wondered what I was going to say to Holly and how I would impress her. I was totally smitten with her and that 'love at first sight' feeling had never happened to me before and never happened again. I wasn't exactly 'cool' around women but this was something else entirely.

I suddenly heard myself making an excuse and left the table, to the surprise of both of them. I went to the bathroom and then I went to the other side of the club so I could hide out and gain some courage. I looked for Lucy and found her making out with a couple to the surprise of some of her nearby friends.

I felt the chance with Holly slipping away the longer I took to go back. In the end (it was probably a few minutes but it felt like hours of indecision), I left because I feared going back and seeing the moment had definitely gone. Years later once everything had blown up with Holly, Lucy admitted to me that Holly had left soon after, not quite in tears but upset enough that she no longer wanted to be there.

A few weeks later, after toying with it for days, I sent Holly a friend request on Facebook. It took Holly days to respond and in that time I thought about removing the request multiple times.

I was in my class with my phone on silent on the little table attached to my lecture hall chair when I saw it light up.

Holly Dane: Sorry I took so long to accept your invitation. How are you?

I immediately moved my phone under the table so I could shoot off a quick reply. My heart was beating hard. She'd given me a little in and after beating myself up for weeks, I was going to try everything I could to have another shot.

Tom Bradley: That's not a problem at all, I wasn't expecting you to accept it really.

Holly Dane: I was debating not to. That was a real dick move, Tom. If you didn't like me, you should have just said.

I sighed, having her think that was the opposite of what I wanted.

Tom Bradley: I know. I wish I could explain it away easily but I can't. If I tried to explain it, I'd only look worse and I'm trying very hard not to do that right now.

Holly Dane: I guess you should be glad I'm having a shit day at work and not keen for you to make it worse.

We got talking from there and didn't stop for almost a year.

Holly was many things, I found out throughout that time. Blunt and fearless were two of them. Passionate was another. Then there were the things that only I saw of her. The vulnerability, the crushing weight of her own expectations and the lofty hopes of her friends and teammates that she'd make it. Finally, there were the things that she hinted at. The cynicism from some of her family that she was pursuing a fantasy career and the hints of how she was taking those pressures out on herself. I became an expert at reading the signs and tried in vain to get her to seek help in a roundabout way - for if I ever openly voiced my suspicions of what she was doing to herself to cope with it all, she would shut down for days at a time.

We moved to texting and speaking on the phone quite frequently. I became her confidante and her mine, especially once my Gran, my sole remaining grandparent, got sick. I told her things that I had told nobody. About how hard it was growing up without a Father, and how writing gave me release to process my feelings. I never pushed her to meet up but I ached to. I left the ball in her court and she knew that's where it was. It was probably crazy to anyone else that we'd let a tiny thing get between us in such a seismic way but I knew by then that Holly had felt the same for me as I did for her that night. She never said it, but I knew.

I learned during a deep texting session one night that she had never had sex before and that she wore her heart on her sleeve. "I could count on one hand how many men I've fancied and on one finger how many men I properly liked." She abruptly changed the conversation at that point having revealed too much and then she ignored my probing questions thereafter. I looked at that message for weeks afterwards.

She was a year and a few weeks younger than me so celebrated her 19th birthday weeks after I celebrated my 20th over the winter. I 'liked' the pictures of the party she posted on Facebook, as I liked most of her pictures, especially those that showed her with a football at her feet.

Towards the end of my 2nd year, I didn't speak to her much. I was ridiculously busy with coursework as well as exam prep and only really exchanged messages with her after midnight when I procrastinated during my all-nighters. Holly would keep me company until she made a major mistake at work from tiredness and got a formal warning. She wasn't angry with me but we both agreed to pause our messaging until after my exams.

It was tough as my thoughts were on her constantly. I'd sometimes scroll onto her Facebook late at night and look through her pictures. We'd started to sext a little bit. Nothing too extreme or too often. Holly would ask me questions about sex and I'd answer. Sometimes it would lead to her needing an orgasm and I would help her get there. One day she asked to see my penis. After multiple attempts at angles and lighting, I sighed and sent the best one I could before I missed the moment all over again. Her reaction and the conversation that followed gave me one of my strongest orgasms.

Holly Dane: I hope you don't think I'm a freak Tank but I've been cumming over your dick a lot. I kinda felt bad doing it and not telling you.

Tom Bradley: Pretty sure my brain just exploded Hollywood.

Holly had taken to calling me Tank after Thomas the Tank Engine and certainly not because of my size. I'd filled out a bit through running during study breaks and occasional gym sessions but nothing to brag about. Hollywood was her nickname because I could think of nothing creative or witty when she started calling me Tank.

By the time of my exams, Lucy knew about Holly and me. It was frustrating her greatly that we hadn't met up since and even more so when I'd make excuses not to. On a break from studying one Sunday morning during the time Holly and I agreed to talk less, Lucy dragged me with her to watch Holly play.

I was mesmerised watching her on that grass. I think I fell in love with her in a different way - one of a football fan watching someone incredible in the flesh. There was no doubt in my mind she'd make it Pro. She was better than everyone else on the pitch, able to take players on even from Centre Back and lay inch-perfect passes to the Striker. Her team battered their opponents. I stood to the side cheering her with Lucy and with the sparsely attended fans. She saw me just a few minutes in when the ball went out for a throw-in. Her face was priceless and I thanked Lucy for pushing me to go. Holly's face, already quite red from the physical effort, went up another shade and she had the brightest smile as she looked at me, teeth on show. I beamed back.

At halftime, I saw her trying to trot over but she never had the chance with tactic discussions and a comfort break. It wasn't until full-time that she managed to do so. I saw her hug her Mum who came to attend as well as her two younger sisters. Her older brother and Dad weren't there and never were. Then she made her way over and locked in on my eyes.

"Hey," she said, smiling awkwardly. Realising Lucy was there too, she hugged her before Lucy walked away and said hello to some of her old teammates.

"You're incredible," I said in wonder. "Seriously, seriously good." I knew football and at that point in my life I knew I wanted to go into football journalism, so I had to know good when I saw it. She had it.

We chatted for a bit and it felt comfortable with just a touch of awkwardness, what with her in her kit and her family close by. Eventually, her Mum called out asking if she wanted a lift. Holly looked at me questioningly, wondering if I wanted to go anywhere and hang out.

Sadly, I shook my head. "I can't, I'm sorry. I'm not running off but I need to run off." I paused after saying it. "Yes, I heard it," I said with a grin that she shared. "I need to study."

Holly nodded, slightly disappointed but not upset with me this time. I watched her walk away and then called out, "Hollywood, how about coffee this week?"

I heard wolf whistles and saw Naomi and Lucy standing nearby. "Sounds good to me Tank," she said with a grin, turning away and leaving me to explain the nickname to the giggling pair.

We started to meet up during my breaks. Holly would drive over with a coffee each and we'd sit and talk in her car for 30 minutes. If I'd known how poorly designed the course was, I'd never have gone to that University, given how much strain it was putting on Holly and I trying to build something together. But then, I'd never have met Lucy and therefore Holly. So the punishment was worth the prize.

I was right, she always wore jeans and a casual t-shirt. When she saw me on the following Friday, on the way back from work, she asked if I was okay with her not wearing more girly clothes.

"I love the way you dress," I said honestly. "You're perfect Holly."

She smiled and leaned into me and we shared our first kiss. I like coffee and liked it even more when I could taste it on her lips and tongue. I took her face in my hand gently and held her there as we kissed. We pulled away breathless.

I had two more weeks of deadlines and exams and then I was free for the summer. Holly was doing a far more disciplined job of keeping me focused on studying, not letting me be distracted by her. That wasn't to say she was always successful. In the end, she said, "get through the first week and you'll see me topless and get through the second and you'll see everything."

I got back to studying with renewed energy and true to her word, late on Friday night both weeks, she sent me first a topless picture and then a fully nude one. Both times she was laying down on her bed, hair tied back and without any makeup. She didn't always wear makeup but I'd noticed she was wearing it a little more whenever we met up. I told her she didn't need to and she told me it was for her, not for me. Blunt, just how I liked her.

I fell in love with her naked body, as I knew I would. It was toned and strong with a hint of boob but not a lot. I could see they'd be enough to hold and that was fine by me. She had a beautiful chest and neck that I wanted to kiss all over. Her nipples were hard and pointy, which suited her just right. Her pale complexion seemed to make her more beautiful. I traced my eyes down on the second week and studied her legs and everything else in detail. She was completely shaved and I could almost feel the nervousness in the way she posed. Her leg was slightly tucked into her body and I could see her strong calf and thigh. Her pussy looked small and tight. I shamelessly told her I wanted to explore every inch of it with my mouth.

Holly: Does it bother you that I'm a virgin?

Tom: No, does it bother you that I'm not?

Holly: No, I'm relieved it's not the blind leading the blind.

I laughed out loud at that.

We gave ourselves an orgasm before bed which was now our almost-nightly ritual and said goodnight.

I woke up the next morning and found a text from Holly.

Holly: A scout was at the game you watched and wants to offer me a scholarship to play in America. I don't know what to do, I didn't even know how to tell you.

I could feel my heart hurting as I read the message. I knew what decision she was going to make and I knew in my heart I would help her to make it.

We discussed it almost constantly for the next few days. Only now did her Dad start to believe in her talent and attend games with her, even driving her to the away ones. She posted a picture of them beaming together which I hit the like button on but didn't share the same enthusiasm. I knew what she had gone through and done to herself, partly as a result of his comments and I couldn't forgive him as easily.

Holly and I made plans with Lucy and Naomi to watch the football together the weekend after our exams. Holly had managed to swap her shift and would be working the next evening in the graveyard shift and then back in again to open the next morning. I appreciated it more than I could say, knowing how much that would kill her before working 5 straight days.

We watched the England Women's game together and we held hands or else cuddled close. There was nothing obvious about it but Holly had changed. If you asked me how, I wouldn't be able to tell you but sometimes you just know. She was spending as much time as possible being as close to me as she could and something about that told me she knew she had decided to leave. Going with her was not an option for me and I was not going to have her miss her dreams to stay with me.

"It's such a relief you two idiots got yourself sorted," Naomi said teasingly but smiling widely. She doesn't know about Holly's offer I thought, upon hearing that.

We had a few rounds of beer each, mostly driven by a resounding victory for the England team over far inferior opposition. I went to the bathroom while the 3 of them were deep in talk about which foreign player they'd have on the England team. I caught the tail end of this on my return and gathered there weren't too many names.

"See, that's the problem with Women's Football," I said, taking a sip and totally oblivious to the 3 pairs of eyes that had looked round and were directly lasers into my head. "There's just no money in it and -"

"Fuck you!" I stopped my sentence in shock at Holly's interruption. "You don't get to say that."

"No wait," I said, panicked. "That's not what I meant -"

She stood up with a face of thunder, her pale skin now red and angry. I couldn't help but think she had blown it out of proportion.

And then it hit me: she was blowing it out of proportion. Painting me in the same vein as her Brother and Father was an easy way for her to blow up. I quickly realised that she was taking advantage of the situation and was finding a way to finish things with me now, while she could. It all became clear to me in a heart-breaking instant. It was sudden but it was sensible for her. We'd been sitting together practically sharing a chair and that couldn't have made the prospect of breaking up with me easy.

"You knew what you meant," she said angrily, "don't deny it."

"I won't," I sighed, giving in. I saw a flicker of surprise in her expression and then she stared hard at me as she got her stuff together. I stared her down as Lucy and Naomi sat between us in stunned silence. I saw a hint of realisation in her expression but maybe I imagined it as she walked out. That was the last time I would see her until that Tuesday morning years later.

I turned back to Lucy and Naomi. I felt it better to correct the record or else risk offending them too. "You know I meant facilities and training, right?"

They both nodded. "It was obvious, I'll talk to her," said Naomi reassuringly.

I agreed though it was only for show. I knew Holly was in tears somewhere nearby right then and shortly afterwards, I left too.

Holly was leaving for America the following month, she announced on her Facebook page. Lucy understood what had happened immediately - she was infinitely better with people than I was so if I got what was happening, I knew it wouldn't take long for her to as well.

"I am so sorry," she said, pulling me in for a squeeze.

I fell into a depression over that summer, stalking Holly from afar on social media (I was eating and drinking far too much to do any actual stalking, don't worry!) until mercifully in early September, she blocked my number and deleted me from Facebook and allowed me to get my life back together.

I still saw her on TV, watching many Women's games online and watching her excel and beat every challenge. I stalked her Instagram occasionally when someone in my network tagged her in something or else retweeted something she'd posted. So she was always there in my periphery and perhaps even more than that, given I'd chosen to work in women's football. I kept some steady girlfriends but I was always just a bit too bitter about what had gotten away to ever be truly happy. Stupidly, her growing skill and popularity felt like a metaphor for the growth of the relationship we'd never have.

***

Present Day

***

I thought the beers would help me to talk it all through but they didn't. Chris was my oldest friend, I'd known him since school and he knew how torn up I was back then, even though he'd never met her. He was adamant that I was punishing myself for working in this field given how prominent she was becoming. The sex tape didn't help with her popularity - if it could be called that.

"She can suck some serious dick," Chris said bluntly when he saw it a day after me.

Lucy was furiously angry when she heard about it and outright refused to watch it. "Why don't she release one of him giving her shit head? She won't because she's too classy!"

I woke up the next morning without a hangover but with a pit of anger in my stomach. As irrational as it was for me to think it, what was the point of her going away and putting us through that if she was going to come back anyway? Why did she look so much hotter? How the hell had she forgotten me?

I pulled up to Georgia's house with a coffee cup in each of the trays.

"Sit on a cactus this morning?" Georgia remarked when she got in the car and saw my face.

"You've just talked yourself out of this coffee," I said, going to pull it away.

"Give it, it's the only reason I ride with you."

I laughed at that. "It's not the money?!" I cried out in shock.

Georgia was hoping to use this job as a platform into another football club's press team. She was good enough and I knew she was learning enough in this job to get ahead of the competition.

"Excited for the press conference today?" She asked conversationally.

"You betcha," I said with a smile. "Hollywood's gonna kick some arse."

"Wasn't she in Portland?"

"Uh, yeah sorry. Portland."

***

Later that day we were outside the press room. We'd made the big time as we had journalists waiting to speak to Holly, Diane and I, not the men's team. Holly's transfer was big news, it had even made it across to the mainstream media. I saw a few of the men looking over at her, partly impressed to see her, partly shamelessly checking her out. Holly shot them each daggers in turn until they walked off.