Broken Defence

It was just us and Georgia, waiting for the tech and facilities guys to finish sorting the room so we could let the journalists in. So far Holly hadn't said anything to me beyond the pleasantries (which weren't all that pleasant) and then had stood around on her phone, utterly disinterested, except when she felt the men looking over at her.

"Fuck men," she muttered at the time. Georgia giggled and I looked away.

"I'm going to go see how it's looking," I said aloud.

"I'll do that, that's my job," Georgia responded, already closest to the door.

"Yeah, haven't you got to, like, prep me?" Holly said. I didn't enjoy the 'like' in that sentence. It sounded very American and I wasn't ready to forgive the country for taking her away.

"I daresay you've had more prep than I can give you," I replied acidly. Georgia looked behind her briefly as she walked into the next room and the door closed behind her, eyes wide and looking at me with a 'what the fuck' expression.

Holly waited for the door to fully close before she responded. "I didn't know you were the press guy or whatever the hell you are, when I joined. So don't get shitty at me Tank, I wasn't expecting to see you either."

"Oh, she remembers!" Anger overtook my elation and made it it's own. "I spent a sleepless night wondering how the fuck you forgot me so easily. But I lost a lot of those when you left so I guess another night isn't a big deal."

"Fuck. You." Holly spat it at me with emotion I couldn't quite recognise. Her pale face had filled with colour and I could see her shaking. I backed down.

"Sort yourself out, you already look like you don't want to be here, the last thing I need is the press seeing how angry you are about it."

I turned my back on her and looked into the room to see the press now filing in with Diane having informal conversations with some of them. The outcome of our heated conversation was that Holly was even saltier when she entered the press room. We sat at the front on a small stage, only inches apart and I could feel the angry heat radiating off her.

She took the questions and answered them well but with an edge that threatened no follow-up questions. My job was to facilitate and keep things honest. I'd said at the start that there would be no chat about non-football-related matters. I fully expected nobody to listen. I wasn't surprised when they didn't.

"Holly, what do you think Lucas will think about your move?"

I went to step in but Holly put her hand on my arm subtly and the spark of her touch silenced me. "He'll love it, his windows are a lot safer now I'm here." There were hearty laughs and Holly smiled but it didn't reach her eyes.

"How long you think he'll last without you?" Asked a reporter from one of the national rags, innocent as you like.

"Okay guys, that's enough," I said, stepping in. "Football-related questions only and you just lost 5 minutes of Holly's time."

I finished the press conference shortly after and we went back through the side door as journalists filtered out of the front. Holly walked off down the corridor without another word.

That evening, I met Lucy for dinner. She'd organised it as soon as she saw the announcement about Holly joining. We spent time talking about her latest girlfriend and how well it was going and then her work. I was stalling to avoid talking about my job, which now felt to be in a bit of a crisis. When I could find no other viable conversation points, I talked Lucy through the last couple of days while I made my way through a chicken tikka masala. Lucy paused for a long time, thinking over everything I'd said. She spent time dipping her naan into her curry until I could take it no more and prodded her along with an impatient, "well?"

"I think she's hurting," Lucy said without delay. "I think she left a really shit situation and now thinks she's been dumped right into another one," she waved her naan at me as she spoke, letting me know in no uncertain terms that I was the shit situation.

"Do you think I should look for another job? I don't want to make her life harder, Luce," I was at a loss at this point and was grateful to have Lucy to confide in. "You know how much she means to me."

Lucy nodded as I finished my plea. "I do know, which is why I think you need to wait out the coming storm. You don't want to add guilt to her list as you know she'll feel it if you leave. At least if you have to leave in a few months, you can do it with a better job."

I hugged Lucy tight that night and thanked her for being a true friend. I hoped Holly had the same in her life now.

***

Saturday was the first matchday with Holly in the team which was great as we were a few games in and already too far down the table. Our matchdays typically had a few thousand fans but today the crowd was noticeably bigger, as was the number of matchday reporters that I had to marshal into their seats. Holly would be repaying her salary in no time, through gate receipts alone.

Georgia would be writing the live updates for our website so I took a seat near the touchline, with a good eyeline to the reporters and the bench. I scanned the crowd, looking for the long-forgotten faces that were instantly recognisable: Holly's family. I'd never met them but I felt like I knew them from everything Holly had shared. Her Sisters, Charlotte and Amelia were like younger versions of her, having grown up considerably over the last few years. From my viewpoint, I couldn't tell them apart. The sister closest to me turned around to view the crowd and I was able to get a good look at her. It was definitely Charlotte, probably a little more than 20 with freckles and a tan that made me think she'd been away recently.

Holly waved at them, showing genuine happiness for the first time since I'd seen her again. That's Holly, I thought. At least for one reason, she was glad to be back.

I watched the match with a level of excitement I hadn't felt in years. It was like being back on that Sunday League pitch all those years ago. I was watching the match, but really I was watching Holly. She spotted the danger before others did, barking commands and getting people in line. She was already leading the team. This was where she belonged, everything else was just noise. I watched her win a towering header to defend a corner, climbing far higher than her 5'7 frame.

As the match went on, I saw she was getting targeted quite a bit. Opposition forwards leaving their mark on her, taking that bit longer to pull away from the challenge. I could hear her Mum and Dad screaming at the ref. She took it all and didn't back down. The tackles were enraging our fans and that willed all of the players on. We won the game comfortably. 2-0, our first win and first clean sheet of the season. The players split their celebrations between Holly and Olivia, our striker.

I saw the telltale signs of her teammates holding Holly up every so slightly. She looked like she'd been in a war. I jumped out of my seat and stood sentry over the changing room as I always did but needed to even more so today, with the press around. Olivia came out to do some quotes, even though they'd asked for Holly.

***

As much as we tried to avoid it over the following weeks, Holly was our superstar and so her media commitments outstripped anyone else's. She was soon invited to go and do community activities and ambassadorial tasks. I had to go with her. Georgia was too junior and Holly too important. So it had to be me. Holly knew that too and our shared frustration continued to boil over - we bickered over everything and then had to play as though we were having the best working relationship when around others, which only infuriated us both more.

Holly was still getting kicked about all over the pitch, 6 games into her career in London. She was the best player we had so there was an element of that but our Striker, Olivia, was also pretty good and seemed to be escaping much of the challenge, with a focus now on Holly. It was getting her down and I was increasingly concerned it was no longer about her being our best player. I worried for her.

I tried as best I could to be more pleasant but she wouldn't let me be. She'd prod at old wounds whenever I tried to be kind. She frequently brought up our final argument and would throw it in my face at her leisure. "I thought women's football was broke, why are you in it?"; "I thought you were all ambitious and wanted to get somewhere." Or "are you only here so you can be surrounded by hot women with a pretty little assistant to make you coffee?"

It was infuriating and I woke up dreading any of the days I'd have to spend with her. I left each of those days wanting a stiff whiskey but settling instead for a beer while I forced myself to make dinner on those nights. I'd spiralled once because of her and I didn't think I could do it again.

The day before our latest away game had us scheduled to do a meet & greet at a local hospital after a sick child wrote a letter to Holly that had gone viral. I was cursing our Community Manager who would put these visits in. I didn't want to go to a hospital ever again. I drove us over from the training ground with the radio on low and not a word was exchanged between us. Worse still, I needed to drive us to the away game immediately after as the team coach had already left. We were staying at a hotel overnight as the match started early the next day. It was budget: because Women's football.

Four hours of this, I thought. I must remember to undo my seatbelt when I drive us into one of the concrete bridges.

We arrived at the hospital and Holly got out of the car as soon as she could, leaving me to go and pay for parking. I heard and saw a grimace when she got out of the car and knew she was hurting. She had the team tracksuit on loose which made it harder to see where. I caught up to her as we neared the entrance and I felt my head start to pound.

"Holly," I said, slowing behind her as she walked in at pace.

She looked to her left at my sound and then turned behind her, showing surprise at how far back I now was. We were almost at shouting distance, a dangerous decibel level at the best of times with us. I closed the gap a little bit. "What?" I could hear the confusion but there was a distinct lack of frustration in her tone, which was positive.

"I don't think I can go in," I admitted.

The only two times I remembered being in a hospital were to watch two family members die after long illnesses. First my Dad and then my Gran. She knew that because she was there for me when the latter happened and then showed me a level of compassion and understanding I had never gotten from anyone else when I opened up about my Father. I had fallen in love with her during that time, convinced we connected on a deep level.

I saw her face soften as she looked at me. It was the first time I felt her look at me that way since she'd gotten back. I knew that she'd just been recounting the same conversations I had. "Okay, wait out here then, I won't be too long," she said, not unkindly.

"You know I can't Holly." It felt weird to now be addressing her by name, the first time I'd done that in years.

"Yes you can, no PR disaster is going to happen in there, I've done enough of these. Go and get a coffee and I'll call you if I need you, I promise."

"You blocked me," I said before I could stop myself.

She refused to meet my eye. "I didn't block you Tank," she looked away from me and then turned back towards the entrance. "I just couldn't face giving you my new number." It was quiet and caught in the wind but I heard her perfectly.

I sat in the car waiting for her to return at the end of the allocated time. I saw her walking up to the car in my rear mirror, wiping her eye on her sleeve. When she got in the car, I'd never have guessed she'd just been crying. There was a slight redness to her cheeks but that could have just as easily been the wind. "How was it?" I asked because I felt I had to.

"Fine," she said in response and didn't elaborate further.

I started the car and reversed us out of the parking spot. My eyes strayed a touch too long on Holly as I checked my mirrors. Now she thought I was looking away, I saw her let out a deep, shaky breath. She won't let me in, even in the slightest.

I had to know if she was at least letting someone in, I feared for her if she wasn't. "How's Naomi?" I asked as we pulled away.

Holly paused, assessing the various potential directions the conversation could go and I could only guess deciding it was safe enough, as she replied, "Naomi's good, really good. She's in Recruitment now but wants to get into a Football Agency. I'm trying to put her in touch with a few people."

"That's great!" I was enthused, really glad to hear that for her. "Tell her I said hello," I chanced.

"Yeah, I will."

A silence fell between us that I was in no hurry to break given we had four hours to get through together. Eventually, when I decided the silence was stretching on a bit too long to be useful, I said, "Do you speak to Lucy at all?"

Holly shifted a little bit. "Yeah, we speak sometimes."

I nodded with my eyes still on the road. It was news to me as Lucy hadn't mentioned it. I wasn't testing for dishonesty, I was just trying to find out if Holly had good people around her.

"Do you mind that we speak?" She asked suddenly.

"Not in the slightest, she was your friend before mine," I replied immediately. I chanced a glance over at her to see her playing with her hands. "Oh I've just remembered, I got you a coffee. Latte right?" I was pleased that I remembered her choice when I had the brainwave to order her a coffee in thanks.

I could see though that Holly did not share my enthusiasm. "Why did you do that?"

I paused, sensing a trap but not for the life of me understanding what it was doing there. "I was trying to say thanks, for you know, the hospital."

"Well you didn't need to," she said bluntly.

For whatever reason, and my brain was too jaded to understand what it was, I had hit a nerve and we fell back into the same uncomfortable silence that filled our journey toward the hospital. I switched the radio station to Heart, which I knew was her favourite. She let it play for a minute and then said rather pointedly, "Can we change it to Radio X?"

I guessed her tastes had changed with age, going from more mainstream Pop/Chart music to Indie, not that I was complaining as I made the switch. As if reading my thoughts, she said, "I'm not that kind of girl anymore," ignoring how cliché that sounded.

I let silence fall on us again for the first hour of the drive. The radio change helped. I decided to try again to engage in conversation with her. I was nothing if not stubborn, or masochistic, depending on how you looked at it. The coffee had been left to get cold.

"I've seen your family has been coming to games, it must be great having them watch you play?"

"Yeah, it is, though they came to America quite a bit."

"Charlotte's -"

"Stop. Just stop." Holly said abruptly. I looked at her in shock, confusion and anger, my focus temporarily taken away from the road. "Stop being nice to me, stop trying to talk to me like we're friends and stop thinking you still know me. You don't know me, we're not friends and you of all people should not want to be nice to me."

I turned what I could only imagine was a shocking shade of red from the putdown and the humiliation. "You make me want to bang my head against this steering wheel."

Holly looked taken aback by my harshness. A paleness came over her and she opened her mouth to respond.

"What?" I said impatiently.

"I.. I," she struggled to form the words. I wasn't sure if I was about to get an apology or something else. I tapped my fingers against the steering wheel and she eventually swallowed and fell silent.

We didn't speak for another hour until she saw us heading off the motorway. I was surprised she had noticed, with her head buried on Instagram and the other social media accounts. "Where are we going?"

"I need to eat, piss and walk around a bit or I'll kill us. The conversation isn't exactly keeping me awake," I said bluntly. Holly was bringing out the side of me that I only seemed to have reserved for her now: openly bitter and hostile.

When I parked up, she left the car without another word and went into the petrol station with a cap on. I followed shortly after filling up and returned with a bag of crisps and a coke, to see her perched on the side of my car with just a bottle of water in hand. Her lack of food all day should have set some warning bells ringing but I was too pissed off to see it.

We made it to the hotel without further incident or conversation. Some of the players were downstairs in the kitchen/bar area and she went to join them after checking in. I made my way straight upstairs after nodding at the group and declining their offer to join them even though a savage part of me would have enjoyed making Holly have to play nice around people.

Later that night I called Lucy as I needed her wisdom. She was with her girlfriend but promised I wasn't interrupting. She put her girlfriend on the phone briefly and we had a general chat and introduction. That was a rare action on Lucy's part so it certainly was going well. When the conversation started to go back in circles, Lucy took the phone and walked into another room. "So I'm guessing something's up if you're calling me on a Friday evening without checking if I had plans."

"Ah yeah, sorry," I replied. "Ruby sounds great!"

"Yeah, she's pretty ace. Dynamite in bed too," she laughed. "So tell me what's up?"

I recounted the car ride with Holly, using it as a prime example of how bad things were."They're not getting better, Lucy."

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you I talk to her -"

"-Don't worry about that, I'm glad she has you-"

"-But suffice to say," she paused so we could stop talking over each other, "there's a lot she's trying to manage and I don't think she's managing it well. Nor do I think she's giving me the whole picture. You just need to give her space. She's hurting and seeing you is like adding vinegar to all her wounds. She can't even mention you by name when we talk. You're the reminder of what she could have had instead of what she got."

"We both knew it was right though," I pointed out, hating how I had to keep repeating that. "And I can't give her space, we work together! Annoyingly bloody closely."

"Okay give her time then," Lucy said immediately.

Those are two different things, I stopped myself from pointing out. We dialled off a little while after and I was left to manage an uncomfortable night's sleep that involved Holly being stung by a thousand bees, crying out for help but I couldn't get to her and nor could I hear her over the noise.

We won the game the next day, Holly's arrival continuing to invigorate us. Our manager, Caroline, was finally starting to get the plaudits I thought she deserved. As usual now, Holly had been kicked off the park. It was becoming harder to justify or explain away. The discontent from our team, as well as our fans, was starting to grow. I knew someone was going to come out and say something bad soon and have me pulling an all-nighter but I wouldn't blame them, we'd all had enough. All of us except Holly who didn't complain once.

Later that week, with Caroline's permission, I brought the team together and we developed a targeted strategy to influence the League and the referees about the treatment Holly was experiencing. I gave them key lines that I wanted everyone to follow when speaking in the media or posting about games on Social Media. I made sure they knew not to accuse anyone of bias as that was a guaranteed fine, accurate or not.

Holly could have called me out on it, after her rant in the car but I think she knew I was doing it for the good of the team and not for her health. But I also knew that was how I'd have to position it to get her to agree to it. Even then she felt we all just needed to 'grow up' and not make a big deal out of it. She was one bad tackle away from a serious injury though and she knew it.