Broken Halos

"She said it was love."

"Please. My ass it was 'love'. Your mother was very clear why she was here. Beer and cigarettes, and because Bob was away fooling around on her. There was nothing loving about it. I remember when she was leaving. She told me so. She told me to keep my mouth shut because it was nothing special."

"Okay, so you just used my mother?"

"Yes. We used each other. Beth, I was in a bad place. But since you came into my life, I've changed."

"You tell me that you never made love to my mother. Explain to me how you never made love to your wife."

"Ally got pregnant that first night and hated me instantly. She blamed me for everything wrong in her life and her world. The sight of me always sickened her. From the beginning, I knew she was going to leave me. I just didn't know what day it would happen."

"Do you hate her?"

"I did, but not anymore."

"Did you hate her because she got pregnant the first night you made love?"

"We didn't make love. We had sex. Raw and dirty. Nothing loving about it. And yes, my hatred stems from that night, because as soon as Ally found out about the baby, there was never an opportunity or chance to 'make love'. From that moment on, everything between us was fake and make believe."

"I got pregnant our first night together, do you hate me?"

Saying I was shocked would be an understatement. In hindsight I suppose I should have figured it out. Beth never had her period when she was staying in bed with me, but not once did I ever think about it or do any of the calculations. Nor did she say or mention anything to me.

"How could I ever hate you. I...I...love you. Beth, when did you find out? Why didn't you tell me?"

My hand touched her shoulder, but Beth pulled it away.

"Don't touch me. You're never allowed to touch me again."

"Beth. You must know how I feel. You know what we have is love. Deep in your heart, you feel the same way about me."

"Are you sure? What if it turns out to be fake and make believe like all your other relationships?"

"It isn't fake. What we have is special."

Her eyes pierced through my heart. She was upset. In the moment, I could tell that she hated me. I had seen the look before. It was obvious.

"Did your mother tell you about us, before or after, you told her about the baby?"

"Fuck you, Steve."

She disappeared behind the curtain in our room.

Without doing so, Beth answered my question. Lily must have been jealous enough to try and ruin me again.

It was not beneath me to beg. I begged Beth to see things my way. To at least come back to the living room and talk about it like adults, but it wouldn't be. There would be no reconciliation. No happy ending.

It would be the first time in almost two months that I stayed on the couch. I say 'stayed', because there was no chance of sleep.

*****

It wasn't the last time I ever saw her. Like Ally, Beth packed up while I was at work. Unlike Ally, she waited for me to get home, because she wasn't about to leave without having the last word.

There she was. Sitting on the picnic table outside, waiting for me. Her things were gone. Moved out of my trailer. This time, Lily had given more than a roll of tape for help. Because she knew her daughter never planned on stepping foot in my trailer again.

"Beth, I'm so..."

"It's too late for that. I didn't come here for an apology. I came to say goodbye."

"Please don't. What we have is special. And the baby."

"Had. What we 'had' was special. But it's over. I'm going back to school, and you'll never hear another word about me or the baby."

"Beth, please."

"What Steve? 'Please', what? I could get over Ally. I understand it. But...my mother. How can you possibly think I'd be okay with it. I'm not naïve enough to believe it was a one-time thing between you. You paid her. You've paid to have sex with my mother."

"Not the weekend you talked about. She came to me. I was here. Minding my own business. And she came looking for me."

"And that makes it better for me? The thought of my mother and my boyfriend having sex is supposed to be normal?"

"How many times do I have to tell you, it meant nothing to me. It was before you, and it will never happen again."

"I know it meant nothing to you Steve. I know she means nothing to you and all the other guys who use her, but she's still my mother. And unlike all the guys who use her and throw her away, she means the world to me."

Beth stood and started walking away. She was done with our conversation. Done with it all.

"You know that's not what I..."

"Maybe not, but it's what you said."

My chin swelled. My eyes watered. I was all I could do to stop myself from screaming as I watched the taxi loaded with Beth and her stuff pull away.

*****

In a drunken state of mind. In total darkness. Semi passed out on my picnic table. Oblivious to the goings on of the world around me, I was surprised when I felt the touch of a hand on me.

"They're the seasons of our lives, Stevie." She put her fingers under my chin and lifted. "Come on baby, did you honestly, even for a split second, think that you and Beth would ever be a couple? It was never going to happen. Like you, she is hurting. She hates what I do, and she needed someone to cry to. Anyone. You just happened to be in the right place at the right time. But she's way out of your league. She likes you. And even though you put a baby in her, she doesn't love you. Like Ally, she never did, and she never will. But she didn't run away without saying goodbye. And do you know why? It's because she's not a cheap whore like your Ally."

"Shut the fuck up Vanessa, you don't know shit. And where do you get off calling anyone else a 'whore'? You're a fucking whore."

Using her working name was mean, but I wanted her to feel what I did. I wanted her to feel the same hurt and the pain. All of it. But in my stupor, I forgot who I was dealing with. Lily had feelings as bad or perhaps even worse than mine, for as long as I could remember she has been sad.

"In what world did you ever imagine yourself being good enough for my baby, Stevie?"

The need to fight back was there. But too much booze caused me to pass out.

*****

I tried. I tried everything. Every day. But I had no number, no address, no help. And Lily sure as hell wasn't about to tell me how to contact her only child. I wanted Beth back. I needed Beth back. My life was completely empty without her in it.

My only escape from her haunting me, was to start digging my grave again.

The first bottle of hard booze I bought in over two months tasted like high octane gasoline. But accompanied with a pair of painkillers, it did the trick. It put me exactly where I wanted to be. It numbed me. And from that first day of returning to the bottle, I didn't look back. Every bottle after the first seemed to go down easier.

I no longer spent money on food. Why bother? Every single penny I earned went toward self-gratitude and pain relief.

After all, it was over. Beth was very clear about it. Her hands had stabbed another dagger into my heart. It cut a hole so big, I knew it could never be mended.

And every day I could feel the wound. It tugged and ripped open. The constant tearing at my being. It was my pain and weakness that caused me to slip back into the hole I had briefly crawled out of. Only this time, I wasn't trying to get out. No, this time, I wanted to find out how deep the hole really was. Now instead of my backpack being full of fizzy waters, protein bars and books, it was once again full of beer, booze, and pills.

I was falling deeper into a hole that no one, including myself, wanted to see me climb out of.

Each day was bad. Every night it got worse. I got worse. As time passed, the deterioration became more evident. There was no way I could go any lower. At least that's what I thought. But then as I stumbled down the dirt road to my trailer, I saw Lily sitting on the lid of my favorite cooler. Lower seemed to be a distinct possibility.

"You look like shit baby."

"Thanks."

"Oh, poor Stevie. It's not a compliment."

"I know that you fucking cunt. Are you here to gloat? You did what you set out to do. She's gone and I'm alone, again."

"Nope. Came for a beer and some smokes. Maybe a bit of your witty conversation."

"Suck my dick, Vanessa."

"Ahhh. Come on baby. You can do better than that. You know I've already been there, done that, and wiped my mouth on the t-shirt."

"What the fuck do you want Lily?"

"An apology."

"For what? What in the fucking world would I ever have to apologize to you for? Maybe you should apologize to me for telling your daughter about us and chasing her away."

Lily ignored my request for her to say sorry.

"Let me see...how about for being a lowlife and trying to drag my baby down to your level."

"You don't know shit. We had something special. I never, not even once, drank or smoked in front of her," I slurred.

"Ahhh...such a big boy. And who says chivalry is dead."

"Fuck you. You won; You withered up old cunt. Your stories and lies to Beth, ruined everything. What you did hurt everyone. You hurt your own daughter and you knew nothing about what we had."

"Lies? Nothing I told her was a lie. And...oh, Stevie. Baby. As sad as it was...I did know. And I still know. I know way more than you could possibly figure out in your tiny brain. Our precious little girl has gone back to the big city. I didn't win anything. She left us both. And I'll probably never get to see her again. So, what do you think I could have possibly won? Beth hates me as much as she hates you. Maybe even more. No, I didn't win. She's gone back to her rich stepparents. Yes, the same stepparents who adopted her when the courts stole her away from me. The same stepparents who have already booked their precious little girl, our precious little girl, an appointment at an abortion clinic. You see Stevie, unlike me, they don't want their little girl carrying around the demon seed of some hick loser she had a meaningless fling with. Yeah. That's right you worthless fucking asshole. Even if the seed came from you, I still would have wanted a grandchild."

"Fuck you, Vanessa. You started this shitshow. All of it. You're so unhappy with your own slutty life, you had to ruin ours."

"Yours. I wanted to ruin your life. Never hers. I was trying to save hers. And all it ended up doing was costing me a daughter and a grandchild."

"Do you think I feel any pity for you? You're such a pig. You let guys do whatever they want to you for a few bucks. And you think that gives you the right to decide what's best for other people."

"Do you think it was a choice? Do you think that one morning I just woke up and thought to myself, "Hey, today would be a great day to start fucking men for money?" No, Steve. That's not how it happened and let me tell you something. It all started by hanging around guys like you. And let me tell you something else about those pigs. The only guy who has ever asked me to let them cum on my face, was you. And for the last time, I never gave a shit about what's best for you. I only cared about Beth."

"How's that working out for you?"

Lily took Fluffy off her lap and set the mutt on the ground. Standing, she looked at me and shook her head in disgust and sorrow. It was time for her to leave.

"Where you goin, Vanessa?"

"Not that it's any of your business, but home."

"Sorry to break it to you, but I saw Bob on my way home. I shot him a fifty so I could fuck your ass again."

"Well baby. Looks like you're fuckin Bob in the ass, cuz havin your dick in me has caused me enough pain and problems to last me a lifetime. So, you can keep your pecker in your pants. Cuz, it ain't ever comin near me again."

Trying to use my words as ammunition, I said things to Lily. Bad things. Things that weren't called for, even if you hated the person, you were yelling them at.

"Let's hope you find something in life that makes you feel better, Steve."

"Grief and pain are all I know you fucking bitch."

"I know, baby. It's another thing we have in common. Because, like you, I also know the feeling very well."

For the first time since I'd met Lily, she looked like she was in pain. She looked like she had aged 10 years since the day Beth left.

*****

My mind was reeling about Beth and the abortion. There was no way for me to contact her, even if I wanted to. Even if I found a way to contact her, what would I say. What could I offer? I was stone cold broke and looking for a loan.

Returning to the bottle and doubling down on the pills had moved me back into financial hardship, but I couldn't have cared less. I was looking for something to help me find some answers. Answers to questions well beyond my realm of understanding.

Looking at the countertop, it wasn't hard to see where my money had gone. It was lined up with half full bottles of inspiration. None of them had eased the pain. Not one of them had even touched it. None of them could even come close.

But as I gulped down a mouthful of vodka and a handful of pills, I knew I was about to go somewhere other than where I currently was. The booze and drugs always found a way to release me into another dimension, even if it were only temporarily.

Looking into a mirror I saw what everyone else saw. A loser.

Even I could recognize the telltale signs. I was way beyond help. Beyond hope. Nothing or no one would save me this time. No. Deep down in my soul, in the caverns where I hide my deepest thoughts, I knew.

I was too far gone to ever recover from this loss.

*****

Much of what happened during the night or in the early morning was a blur to me. I seem to recall kicking open the door to Bob and Lily's trailer. There was no intent to hurt or injure them. All I wanted was the keys to their van. And from where I was currently sitting, it appears that I got what I went there for.

Lifting the vodka to my lips for the very last time, I swallowed hard.

Looking down the road, I smiled. I had always liked the way the mist and dew hung low and coated the fields in the morning. If never lasted long. Only until the sun came up and burned the dampness off.

A chuckled escaped my lips. It was going to be a good day.

This road. This fucking road. It would finally be the death me.

*****

It had been far too long. So long in fact that I couldn't even remember the last time I was behind the wheel of a vehicle. Especially on this stretch of road. Walking the long stretch is always vivid in my head, but driving it was only a distance memory.

Another chuckle. It's funny what the mind clings to.

Even idling, I could tell Bob's old Econoline was badly in need of a tune-up. I could feel the poor thing shaking and vibrating as the motor worked. And the smell and fumes of unburned gasoline filled my nostrils. The poor truck was in as bad of shape as I was. Like me, it had not had a good life, and it was also struggling with what its future held.

But it didn't matter. Neither of us needed or wanted to be healed. Neither of us required fixing. Because, with the sun coming up over the fields in the east, I knew it wouldn't be very long before we were both out of our misery.

Later. When we were found. The van would be carted away to the wrecking yard, and my ashes would be put to earth and forgotten. In the months to come, we would be completely forgotten.

*****

With a touch of my finger against the screen of my phone, the earbuds started piping music into my ears that was loud enough to tune out the world. I heard nothing but the music. They drown out everything but songs. And I knew the song I wanted. "Windows are rolled down". It would be my last song. My swan song. It was cued up. Like me, it was ready to go. I pushed play on my phone and Amos Lee's voice startled me into the reality of what lay ahead.

Look up child, the world is born.

Shoes untied, and your soles are worn.

I put the truck into gear and pressed the accelerator to the floor as hard as I could. The tire spun on the gravel road, throwing stones and dust into the morning air.

Windows are rolled down.

The sun is setting high.

Windows are rolled down.

I'm fixin to die.

The shitty fence posts started to fly past. Fuck them and fuck the fields of corn and sunflowers they so proudly protected.

Corn rows have this companion feel.

This rocky road and this steering wheel.

Who do you call to ease your pain?

I hope for you to get through this rain.

With a slight tug to the right, the wheels of the old van were now on the grassy shoulder of the road. The only thing in sight was the line of big old oak trees. The needle on the speedometer was bouncing between 50 and 55. It wasn't very fast. But it would be fast enough. The van was old. It had come off the assembly line long before they started installing airbags and other safety features for protection. And to help my cause, I sure as hell wasn't wearing a seatbelt.

With the row of solid old trees rapidly approaching, my fate was sealed. I felt no regret. There was no longer pain. My squandered life was the only thought racing through my mindless head.

Windows are rolled down.

Moon is hanging low.

Windows are rolled down.

Think it's time for me to go...