by Gamblnluck
...well done...it was a breath of fresh air reading it...a refreshing change from the wimps and cucks we seem to be dominating the site these days...
Looking for your next one eagerly
Enjoyed the story. I kinda guessed the kids had sent the video, but the “how” they did it was interesting.
Please write another.
I really liked it. It was a little light on emotion, but heavy on story and humour, so what's not to like? It was fresh, there were no cliches that hit anyone around the ear and there was a lovely inventive side to the whole thing.
Thank you, sir. 5*
I liked this. It held my interest throughout though I would have enjoyed if the villians had been made to suffer more. Minimal alimony and child support payments? Not after proven adultery and trying to hide money. The high road was taken, the good guys won and everybody who should be happy is happy... well, except for the fact that their spouses had been cheating on them for two years and we never learned why.
Awesome story, loved it... can't wait to see you write even better stuff!
Great Story and enjoyable read.Thanks for the offering.
It was nice to see Rob and Susan's kids in the thick of things. Blowing the cover off the two cheaters - Bonnie and Rich and cheating the cheaters out of all the money that they had been squirreling away as part of their plan to leave their respective families. The kids had a good sense of family obligations and protecting the family from all threats from within and outside the family.
Really, really liked this story, although, almost from the beginning I knew that someone in the family had to be the one, by the time it was revealed that the money was transferred to 5 accounts I already knew that it had to be the kids, since they were acting nonchalant about it. A 5***** from me.
Wow! original, well written, engaging... and a first story. I really enjoyed the read and really, really hope you continue posting stories. We can certainly use more fun distractions like this during these trying times. Great job!
That was a great BtB and it was nice hearing how Rich and Bonnie were living miserable lives post-divorce.
The only thing missing was what happened to Robert and Susan after the dust had settled. They got all the family assets, but still would've been left heartbroken after being betrayed like that. Did they each meet someone else and get a happy ending?
I loved every bit of it. It was great fun. I saw the kid's involvement early, or maybe I just hoped for it, and I loved it when we got there. I am starting to appreciate stories where the kids are better people than the cheaters and this ticked all the boxes. Thank you for a delightful story.
Smart kids. Story was a little on the wordy side, but I liked it.
Damn good story!
You never want to fuck with a Cajun unless you are ready to face their whole extended family and their “good friends” as well. Loyalty is a deeply and sincerely held core value in that culture.
Really good offering, bit stilted at times but still funny in places and worth the read.
Really good but when did it start and why? I would have liked to have heard a bit more from the cheaters or for there to have been a confrontation. She loved her kids but abandoned them? Unusual for a mother. Still a high scoring story. Other authors sometimes write a second part from the cheaters pov. Maybe consider that?
Thank you that really was an excellent first...and a Vandemonium fan! That's enough to take it from a 4* to a 5*😀 Looking forward to your next work.
But when Bonnie and Rich get canned, they stop paying alimony and child support. They either go back to Court to significantly reduce the amount or they just disappear and live the life they want - no bitchy mates and no kids. Happens all the time. This was a nice flight of fantasy but in the end, Bonnie and Rich made out like bandits and left the kids and remaining parents to pay the bills.
It was kind of obvious it was the kids when you described their muted reaction to the divorce and accusations of adultery. But it still worked.
One glaring omission though, what happened? What changed Bonnie's and Rich's hearts to become such monsters? It was never addressed at all, and that seemed unrealistic, especially since their every conversation was being recorded. They never discussed their relationship while they were fucking and planning? Too bad, but still a very solid and clever BTB story.
Thanks for the effort. Maybe you could teach classes? There's a number of self righteous authors with mediocre talent who won't even allow Anonymous readers to comment; just petty cowards I guess. They could definitely use some of your gumption, and a whole lot of your talent.
Thanks again, and good luck with future efforts.
I wondered if "pissedoff999" was a secretary that Rich had been having an affair with, since they're both blaming a secretary.
"You have heard the same dumbass rumors I have." - They've heard "rumors," and STILL didn't think it might be a good idea to knock it off?
And THIS story is a true B T B! From BOTH ends! And the really good part was - the kids set the fire to do the burning! GREAT! Geaux Tigers!
Great first attempt. Well written and entertaining. I am a fan of Van1 and CTCas well. Five stars
Great job and congrats on posting your first story. I look forward to reading your next.
It needed JimBob44 translating all of the dialect into Cajun!
There wasn’t even any mention of DeGarde, Louisiana in the story!
Actually, it was kind of boilerplate. Cheaters get caught, cheaters get dumped, kids side with non cheating parent, cheaters lose almost everything, cheaters get fired. Did I miss anything?
This was a very good story and far better due to having some plot originality. Continue the good work!
Thanks for a story about Cajuns where every sentence is written in dialect.
Great mixture of plot, writing and humor
Thank you... looking forward to more of your writing.
Certainly worth 5* (I should deduct one for the stupid joke at the end, but instead I just pretended that I didn't read it -- ha, ha).
Reed, it was the author's first story. I know you can't wait to complain but maybe say welcome or be less... yourself?
CORRECTION! Thanks for a story about Cajuns where every sentence ISN'T written in dialect.
Nice touch with the joke at the end. Van1 is one of my favorite authors also.
Not just a joke at the end, but a Dave Allen joke at that.
Well done on your debut.
Only thing is Boudreaux should have been censured for his illegal legal advice about hiding money. Shows kids are not nearly as clueless as we like to think. Five stars all day long.
Makes me want to be back in Morgan City! My absolute best life memories have their
beginnings in South Louisiana.
The joke was OK. Don't listen to that other person!
I found it to be a rather average story until the court room scene and the children got involved. That was fun and my score went up to a 4*. Thanks for sharing.
Nice first story. I sometimes struggle with those epilogues where the parents don’t care about the kids. Really?!? Seems an odd road for the daughter of a plastic surgeon. Married that long and then having a long term affair with brother in law next door. And then leaving everything including parents. 4* still
" Do you do that with Bonnie?" I shook my head. I had spooned up behind Julie in bed at night "
Who is this Julie? Might be a good idea to fix it :-)
You forgot to mention that Rob lost his virginity to Pauline French
Great story, full marks.
I agree with Vickitvohio though, it's strange that the cheaters seemed to have no feelings whatsoever for their kids, spouses, or parents. That's very strange and, if you meant it to be that way, you probably should have explained why. They were so cold-blooded toward family from the first day they were served papers. Odd, that.
I hope to see many more stories from you in the future. Thanks for posting.
I liked this.
I realized the kids were
behind the scheme when
they appeared non-plussed,
as if they were onto theirs
cheating ‘rents...
Other than that disconcerting error, it is well written. Exceeded expectations for a first effort. 5*
I want to thank people for their comments.
I was running out room for this story. As it was, it ran 5 pages without all the story lines I wanted to add.
I realized I missed some editing. Originally (for the first quarter of the story Julie was name I was using for the cheating wife. I changed that to Bonnie later and then missed a couple Juli's during editing.
Steppinontoes: I agreed Boudreaux should have got censured. I was trying to find a way to nail him more than that though and the story was getting a little long.
Reedrichards: I can;t write dialect for for shit. And some of the educated Cajuns I know don't have much of an accent. Even those raised in that part of the state. I actually was thinking of them when I came up with the Robert Fontenot character (all medical professionals)
Sbrooks103x I agree about the rumor supposedly from a secretary might cause them to slow down, but they were filled with hubris.
And my ideas for possibly going back to his story.
Tajfa: I started a second story as a sequel from Bonnie's point of view and a third from one of the daughters who was about to delete the audio and video recordings. So far I don't feel comfortable with the way either story is going. I will have to see if I can get it to work.
Now for general consensus of my characters. 1. Yes the narrator was unemotional in some ways. I wanted him angry mainly. I did not have time really develop each character like I would have liked. 2. I left out a lot of back story. How the affair started etc. Time... again 5 pages for what I did show. 3. How could the mother just leave her kids? Hmm. perhaps I may revisit some of the characters later. But at this part of the story, she wanted to to have her cake and eat it too. At least until she saved back enough money to run away. 4. Boudreuax was a bully and a condescending asshole. He deserved to get his wings clipped.
Excellent first tale, only a couple of minor errors (that I could see) but they were easy to gloss over. The kids knowing was telegraphed by them not being upset about the disclosure by the Cajun parents - but was still a good foil to the cheating cunt and bastard.
5/5
As to someone making the comment as to how a mother could leave her kids...
I know a quite successful businessman. Owns a building addition franchise.
When facebook came along, it wasn't even very long till his wife up and disappeared, leaving him with the kids. It became established that she was safe, and didn't wish to be contacted, which is a position that was supported by the authorities. Basically, she could just walk away and there was nothing anybody could do to change it.
After almost a year, she wanted contact with the kids, but the way she had gone about her little escape routine painted her into a corner. The kids wanted nothing to do with her, and they in turn could not be forced into anything.
Through the wrangling to reconnect, the story of what she had done finally became apparent.
She'd simply gotten cosy with an asshole who lived about 3 hours away up the coast, and decided she deserved a more thrilling life.
She just up and left them all behind.
That story is a fact. I know first hand that it happened. I don't understand myself how anyone could forsake those they profess to love and care for, but she did it, and she was the mother.
So far, she is still banished... sure, she regretted her actions in the end, but all that did was change it for her from an escape and adventure, into exile.
While my friend and the kids were obviously affected, they have put the pieces back together and are continuing on with their lives, and want nothing to do with her.
So do yourself a favor. Just because you can't conceive of a person acting that way, realise for yourself that other people don't necessarily have the same moral and emotional values that one should normally expect.
Maybe learning that this is a very real possibility might help you. It might stop you from being blindsided.
5 stars
Great. Best thing about it is treating the teenagers as having mind of their own and can make decisions.
I got into this from the very beginning and enjoyed it all the way. The story flowed smoothly and kept up the tension. I thought about the kids early on, because they didn't seem phased at all about the cheating. They just took it in stride, and young people are much tech Davy than their patent. My eleven year old son is my go to for phone or computer questions. Just a great story and a *5 all day from me.
They caused Rich and Bonnie to get fired so they lost 3 years of alimony! Pretty dumb!
I loved it. I too, early on, wondered if maybe the kids weren’t involved in the videos and voice recordings, but until it all came to light in the divorce hearing I wasn’t really sure. And that divorce hearing was hilarious. When one of the girls stood up and talked about her.mother hooting like an owl while ‘Rich did her in the butt...’, I about fell out of my chair laughing. That was definitely the funniest part of the story. The joke at the end, eh... not so much. But I love the story, Five Stars, all day long.
This is a fine, well written story. It is a sure sign of a interesting submission when the comments tend to focus on minutia. So as a compliment of sorts to Gamblnluck, I offer one quibble:
The two to three days per week affair conducted by Bonnie and Rich supposedly had begun only a few years prior to the time of the story. That doesn't rule out, however, the possibility they sporadically have been involved throughout their marriages. DNA testing to ensure Rob is the biological father of Bonnie's children seems an odd omission from such a carefully executed plan of investigation and attack on the adulterous pair. The kids could have simply charged the cost on their forged card while on their sleuthing shopping spree.
Excellent story start-to-finish (including the joke at the end)!
While the bones of the story arise from an oft-repeated theme, the details are possibly the most original of any story (and there are many) that I have read on this site, as is its' ending.
I thank you for the pleasure. This is the first story I have read by this author. It is so good that I plan to read all he has submitted in the LW category, so I hope the top quality of this one is not a one-time anomaly.
Keep up the good work!
5⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
Great. Wonderful. Splendid ...... history.
I just loved it.
second of your stories that I read, and I just love what certain characters think or say.
It is true cheating, lying, concealment ........ do not concern only the couple but the whole family.
Thanks for sharing your talent.
And they would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those meddling kids. Fun story.
Very Nice. I really liked this one. Thanks, Gambinluck. 5 Stars, without a doubt.
I loved it! It really almost belongs in Humor & Satire tho :-) This is the best of your stores that I've read by far.
Sorry, but the girl sitting in the courtroom describing her aunt hooting like an owl while she took it up the butt was funnier than the penguin joke at the end. The “like an owl” story cracked me up. Very good story, Gamblnluck, thanks for sharing.
5⭐️s.
Funny story!
Almost perfect! There was only one little overlooked thing that might have improved the story just a tiny bit (not being educated in the law, however, there may be good reasons for it not having happened).
Once the dust all cleared after the divorce settlements, the audio tape of Boudreaux Landry advising his clients to hide any undeclared funds might have somehow found its way to the attention of the Bar Review Board, and resulted in his losing his license to practice law in the state.
Still, I make it an "easy" 5-star story, with as much entertainment value as I've seen in any other story on this site. I surely do appreciate the humor brought to the story by having the cheaters' plans "blown-up" by their own children!
I previously left a comment claiming that Landry not being sanctioned by the Bar was the only thing missing from THIS story that kept it from being perfect.
Well, HAH! I just finished reading "Bonnie's Story", where I found out that Landry WAS sanctioned by the Bar in that story for his misdeed in this one.
So, I guess this story WAS perfect, after all, though in a somewhat roundabout fashion (that omission must have long ago occurred to you, too, after you had already posted this one, inspiring your sequel)!
My favorite characters are the kids. I was once told, by a VA shrink that I am crazy. I proved him correct by spending the next 30 years teaching High School History and English. During that time, I had students who were very much like the five kids in this story who would have done EXACTLY what these kids did.
This was really good! I really liked the kids with their Hardy Boys/Nancy Drew act :-)
I hate to be a language Nazi, but I couldn't let this pass: "Susan finally reneged after getting both of them on their knees to apologize." I think the word you wanted was "relented" not "reneged". To renege is to refuse to honor an agreement.
Great story, very well done.
LOVE IT! 5 big stars. well written and paced. Particularly enjoyed the fact that the children exposed the cheaters. DMW aka Sumnut
I do enjoy a good story with an interesting twist of events. This certainly qualified. 5*. Thanks for sharing it.
Enjoyed the story. And the joke.
The way I heard the joke it was a 'Scouse' ( this is a Brit thing, Scouse being the language and customs of the City of Liverpool).
Lady owned a monkey. Told her neighbor it was a pest. "If I give you £50 will you take him to the Zoo?"
Much later the neighbor returned, accompanied by the monkey. "I asked you to take him to the Zoo!"
" I did, and we had a lovely time, and enough money left over to pay for a visit to the cinema ".
My second read of this one and I enjoyed it just as much as I did the first time around. And I still think the story of the girl’s aunt hooting like an owl is hilarious. Again, Gamblnluck, thanks very much for a great story.
5 stars
I really liked the story but assuming both spouses loved their partner at some point it didnt make sense why they were so hateful, hiding money and showing no remorse. It didnt make sense.