All Comments on 'Calculated Moves Ch. 05'

That she doesn't go all magic dick on him.

Wow two chapters in two days ! Keep it cuming !!!

I liked this chapter, despite the briefness, and the errors. But this guy is such a royal bastard its delicious. I am so glad he did away with the condoms. They didn't seem like his style anyway. There is nothing more sexy in my mind than the concept of forced impregnation. Not sure when that fetish evolved, but there you have it. You didn't mention any birth control on her end, so I guess I will just have to wait til next chapter to find out.

While your story could be relately good there are a few problems I note that seriously harm the enjoyment of it:

1. You seem to have reversed the usages of "THEN" and "THAN". THEN can be used as a point in time (i.e. "I wasn't quite ready THEN" or "If you will be home at noon, I will call you THEN") or it can be used to denote "next" or "afterwards" (i.e. I went to the bathroom and THEN washed my hands) or it can be used to a show "in addition", "also" or "on top of" (i.e. "it costs £2000 and THEN there is tax too") or, last but not least, you can use it as an "in that case" or "therefore" (often with "if")(i.e. "If you want to go to the movies, THEN you will have to finish your homework." Or "I'm hungry!" "THEN you will have to eat").

THAN is a conjunction used in comparisons (i.e. "21 is less THAN 53" "Sarah is much more beautiful THAN she thinks she is" "You are not much better THAN an animal") This egregious faux past on your part seriously is distracting to the reader.

2. The e tire relationship is fairly convoluted and seems rushed. It seems like every interaction is seriously forced and I don't mean that in the "oooh, kinky" kind of forced. I mean each interaction between the characters includes short, meaningless conversation where we learn nothing of their individual motivations and devolves into sex for the barest of reasons. While I know people are here for the sex I am a so here for a good, well developed and thought out story with rhyme and reason and this story is lacking in that department. Give me something I can work with. Show something of your character development because this smacks of bad "delivery boy shows up and the hot MILF's house and somehow ends up banging her" porno crap.

Other than that, it MAY be a good premise for a story. I don't know yet though because I need more character development first.

Relatery, really?

Maria

I logged in after a while to check my favourites' updates and saw your comment, i didnt even know people still read this story, so thank you for reading also thanks for the constructive criticism.

1. I do know the difference between then and than, lol believe it or not! I'm not sure how i screwed that up when typing but it happened so and right now I don't feel like making excuses...thank you for all the examples, i felt like i was in school again!

2. The rushed relationship, um i dont know, i felt it was a rushed story in general, as i said before I was on break and wanted to share some of my fantasies, there's alot more that went on in my head 'than' what i wrote, i just wanted to get out the relevant stuff and as much as I could before I went back to campus.

"this smacks of bad "delivery boy shows up and the hot MILF's house and somehow ends up banging her" porno crap"...lol eww what kind of porn do you watch! Anyway its Jamie Dornan! did you see his face!? Lol I would bang him no matter the circumstances! I was just immature and horny, quick sex scenes seemed hot at the time.

In all honesty I was just playing around, i thought it would be fun, i didnt take the story as serious as you are.

Not sure when I'll be able to give you something better to work with but there are plenty other cool stories out there, I'm sure you'll be fine.

Take care😙

Niki