Can I ever Heal?

Mr Brown called me mid Friday afternoon. When they came in, they were surprised to be called to his office.

Mitchell had been found to be falsifying his accounts and was sacked on the spot. He had a choice; repay the money immediately or the Police would be called.

A Sheriff's messenger served Audrey her divorce papers naming Mitchell as her adulterous partner. I knew another messenger was dropping a file off to his wife.

Audrey fainted when he turned to her and said she was "a fucking whore, fucking this bastard in your matrimonial bed when you should have been with your husband holding him at his mother's funeral." When she came round, she was fired. She was so distraught they called her parents, Peter and Heather, to take her home.

He had further comments to Mitchell on his role in that but suffice to say, Mitchell would not be getting any references and his deeds would be broadcast throughout the industry.

Later that evening I received a call from her parents asking if we could overcome our problems as Audrey was devastated. I said brusquely, "I'll email you something and you call me back if you think it is possible."

I emailed them the video of them fucking and the funeral service booklet for mum.

Peter called back, "Darren, I don't know what to say. Audrey never said your mum had died. I see the video but I don't believe it. How the fuck could she do something like that? No one could ever forgive that.

"I'm so sorry. If you need someone to talk to, shout at, give me a call. We've told you; you're like a son to us, we'll be here for you if you need us.

"Audrey, when she's stable will be gone. We can't send her away in her present state but we'll ensure she knows how wrong she was.

"We're so sorry. Take care of yourself."

I was twice in court in the next few months. Once to get a restraining order on those bloody developers who would arrive at all times if they saw I was at home. They even broke the gate to get in. The Sheriff's face was a picture when what happened at the funeral tea was led. He wasn't happy with them and granted it.

Three months after mum's funeral, the Sheriff heard the divorce petition. Her solicitor asked for the hearing to be postponed as Audrey was in no fit state to give directions. She was undergoing medical evaluations. The letter given to the Sheriff meant he acceded to the request. I wasn't bothered. I had no plans to replace her in the future.

Audrey's parents spoke to me for a few minutes asking how I was doing. They were concerned about me and repeated that I should stay in touch. They were applying for a guardianship over Audrey due to her mental health.

I never looked at Audrey. Anne said she looked dreadful, vacant and her clothes showed she had lost a lot of weight. She had never looked up from the floor. I didn't care.

Physically, I'm probably better than I was. Dad and mum hadn't been able to maintain the whole property as their illnesses progressed. I was staggered at the amount of machinery dad had in his massive shed. I only knew he had a few of what I found. I used all of it. I used the fence post digger to replace fence posts along the divide between my land and the developer so he wouldn't have any excuse he accidentally strayed. I took down some very dodgy trees and chopped the wood for the wood burner. I loved the ride along mower. I'd joked with dad when he bought it. It still took two hours to cut the grass! The physical exercise helped with my mental health as well.

I often looked around and thought my parents would love to see the property so well-tended. I'd found documents explaining that my great, great grandfather had visited Germany and liked their system that families bought a big plot and as their families grew, they built their homes on the plot. He'd envisioned that but for some reason that never happened.

I've started some maintenance painting but for what is needed I'll probably get a firm in.

Mentally, I would say, I'm stable on the low side of normal. I can't get that final atrocity out of my head. How could she miss mum's funeral? Mum had loved her. Fuck someone else in our bed! Who the fuck would do that to someone they said they loved?

My friends tell me it's not on me, it's her, I did nothing wrong. I don't really have a social life as I can't get into being jolly. I'm certainly not looking to replace her. For those thinking Anne. She is happily married. I'm sure she would never cheat and I would never cheat with a married woman.

I had visitors one evening. It was the boys in blue. Apparently, Mitchell had been attacked and very badly beaten. I didn't enquire as to how badly, I just hoped he would be non-functioning for life. I was honest, I knew nothing and was in Glasgow working at a site on a problem at the time. There would be witnesses to that if necessary. Did I want revenge? I laughed as I told them how I fucked his career and marriage.

I wasn't going to suggest anyone for it. It could have been his ex-wife's brothers, some friends of my friends or just plain bad luck.

It was a month or so after that, I ran into her parents. They were asking how I was so we ended up having a coffee and scone together. I had to laugh when they said it had been a few days after the explosion when they had all gone to our flat to get Audrey's clothing and toiletries. The house, let alone the bedroom stank to high heaven. The bedding and mattress had to be disposed of. Peter laughed, "You certainly made a statement!"

Audrey was in a psychiatric hospital. She'd reacted badly to the whole exposure of her affair. She had not been eating and lost so much weight, they were very concerned. They and her aunt had tried to get her to speak but she seemed incapable of saying anything apart from how badly she had hurt me. She would never say why. She had no interest in life. One night they heard her scream. Her bed was covered in blood, she was having a miscarriage. From A&E, she was committed for her own safety. From the medical reports, the child couldn't have been mine. I told them we hadn't had sex for some time due to her affair. I knew then why she was screwing me, to cover it up. I was disgusted.

I felt sorry for them as they are genuinely lovely people. I certainly wasn't going to volunteer to visit or help Audrey in any way and they knew so never asked. We've kept in touch but they only wish to discuss me and my future. Heather has suggested a few times I speak with Sharon as she could help my dark thoughts. We'll see.

It was around six months after mum's funeral, Audrey's boss called me and asked if I could see him in his office. I did as he had been good with me before. What he revealed shocked me.

Following my revelations, they had taken Mitchell's computer before he returned so they could check for any further infractions. Mitchell had a number of hidden, encrypted files on his computer. They had just been broken and the contents revealed. They had a number of videos of Mitchell, not only having sex with Audrey but with others from his previous employers. It appears that in the videos which had been seen so far, Mitchell had drugged Audrey each time. He openly boasted on the videos about it. He had threatened to show me the videos. I wish he had, he wouldn't have liked the outcome. We were working on some deep sites so he would never be found.

I declined the offer to view them.

I told them to call the Police. It wouldn't make any difference to me. Had she come to me when she found out, maybe we could have survived but not after what she later did. They needed Audrey's authorisation but had no success contacting her. It was one reason they had called me. I called her parents who took details. It may help as she was still in hospital. She had made no headway. This knowledge may unlock her mind and allow her to heal. They wanted him prosecuted but would confirm with Audrey, if she was able to give directions. They were officially her guardians now so if she wasn't, they would certainly confirm involving the Police.

As far as I know, the files were handed to the Police shortly thereafter.

There has been a delay with the enquiries as Mitchell was very badly injured in an attack at a park near his home. There was some suggestion, he may have been the victim of mistaken identity as several gay men had complained of being assaulted there. He's still in hospital. There are rumours but I don't wish to know the extent of his injuries.

I do know he won't rape anyone again!

Tomorrow's a new day so they say. Somehow, I doubt it.

Can I ever heal?

Audrey

It's been a nightmare year. I'm still incarcerated in the psychiatric hospital. I don't really mind as I feel I should be locked up. There have been some developments which have changed how I was being treated. This is bringing out a lot of repressed memories, the contents of which, which I am struggling to deal with. Despite this new knowledge, I still have one major question unresolved, "Why?"

When I first met Darren, I was at fault. I stepped out of the crowd into him without looking. He apologised to me. I laughed. I knew it was me. His eyes were bright and I could see he was a caring person. His smile melted my heart. When we danced, I felt tingles. Okay, my feet shouted a few times. I was delighted when he asked to meet again.

Darren's everything I ever wanted. He doesn't think he's a catch but I beg to differ. He's kind, humorous, caring, dependable and intelligent. He would always put me first so I had to tell him we would do what he wanted as well as me. After every date, I bashed myself for not being more explicit. I wanted him to make love to me.

I knew I didn't have much experience, let alone skills, so I asked my aunt Sharon for advice. She's a therapist who helps couples have great sex lives where possible. Sometimes the couples are just not for each other. I spent time practising the techniques. It worked.

When we did make love for the first time, it was sensational. So, so much better than my previous experience. I surprised myself and I think Darren. I was quite vocal, I caressed him, used my mouth to revive him a couple of times. It was the first time I had a cock in my mouth. It was a while later that I was able to blow him for the first time. I knew I'd do anything he wanted. He was so kind and gentle mostly. I had to tell him, it was okay just to fuck me once in a while. Just think about his pleasure, not mine.

Our repertoire grew over time, slowly. It only involved us. We had our whole lives to live together, to explore. We'd started playing more around my bum. I hadn't thought about it so was surprised when he strayed accidentally one night to caress it. I liked the sensation so I think I would have enjoyed anal but the major shit fest happened before we did.

Everything was good, no, fucking great, until John Mitchell came to work for the company. I didn't really notice him at first. I did a lot of final proof reading as my English language skills are excellent. I learned most from my grandmother not my teachers. While many of the consultants knew their subject, they often couldn't express it concisely and clearly. I'd change a few words, phrases etc, and the document was suitable for the client.

Mitchell's grammar and use of English was very poor. Technically, he was very good so his bosses sent him to have his work reviewed by me. I had to almost rewrite all his work.

What I'm about to say will seem highly improbable. I agree but I'm told by my psychiatrist and my aunt that this is true. There are two components to this, the drugs used and my brain trying to prevent me feeling the pain and disgust I did.

I never lied to Darren. I didn't tell him the truth.

One day Mitchell brought me a coffee to my desk as a thank you for all my work. He had a report and we discussed it as I drank the coffee. I have no recollection of anything that day until I was at home. Darren looked shocked. He wasn't happy I'd cut my hair short. Both of us loved to use my hair to add to our sensual games. I hadn't realised it had been done.

Over the next few days Mitchell spent more time with me and announced I was to be his new PA. I couldn't seem to articulate my feelings. I did my job but even some friends in the office thought I wasn't happy. I was off when speaking with them. But what does that even mean?

The summer picnic was a surprise to both Darren and me. I hadn't seen Mitchell since the Friday. It was Sunday. When he approached us and spoke with Darren, I saw his face was in a smirk. Why? Darren was immediately angry. I'd never seen him like that. My mind was going, what's wrong? Mitchell came around me a few times. He gave me a coffee to apologise for annoying Darren.

When Darren and I went home, Darren went right on the attack. Was I sleeping with Mitchell, office whore, my hair? I tried to deny everything but he wasn't buying it. I have never slept with Mitchell. I love Darren and I would never betray him. Darren went on about Mitchell holding me so close something I never allow Darren to do in crowds as I get embarrassed easily. I couldn't remember that but Darren doesn't lie to me.

He stormed off to the other bedroom. I was devastated. It was our first big fight. The first of many. As time went on, I had less recollection of the content of the fights but know we did fight. We rowed over my working clothes but I was dressing as Mitchell wanted, I just didn't know it. I couldn't overrule him though I'm sure I must have tried.

I did have to travel with him which Darren didn't like at all.

Each day began to blur into the other. My work didn't suffer but I found it difficult to remember what I did from day to day.

When I came back from a conference, Darren was sitting in his seat. He looked so sad. I was shocked when he said his mum was terminally ill. I'd no knowledge his mum was ill. He blamed me and Mitchell.

Our sex life dried up. I know I sneaked into his room and got him hard and rode him a couple of times. I don't think he wanted me to as he didn't make any effort. I could hardly feel him in me. Normally he was stretching me and bucking like a horse.

I vaguely remember one day sitting at my desk wondering why Darren had just put the phone down on me. Mitchell, who'd been beside me, told me not to worry. That was the last time I have spoken to Darren.

We had come back from a conference and were told to go to see the boss, Mr Brown. I was shocked that Mitchell was stealing from the company.

It was nothing to the Sheriff Messenger serving divorce papers on me. Mr Brown turned to me and called me a whore, fucking Mitchell when I should have been at Darren's side for his mum's funeral. I didn't know his mum had died. I hadn't fucked Mitchell, I wouldn't do that. I collapsed. They called my parents.

My parents took me to their home. If I thought things were bad, it got worse. Mr Brown apparently told them what had been going on. Mum and Dad were not happy with me. I denied everything. I'd never do that to Darren. I didn't know why they're saying this.

Dad spoke to Darren. I've never seen my dad looking so shocked. He showed me the video. I screamed and screamed. I'd never do that yet it was me with Mitchell. His mum's funeral for fucks sake! Why didn't I know anything?

I spent a few days bereft. I'd not only lost Darren. His mum had been a second mum to me. His parents had welcomed me with open arms when they saw how I cared for Darren. I held her as she wept for his father. She was warm, loving and caring. Darren had all her traits and his father's humour. How could I not be there for him, for them?

I couldn't function alone. I know my parents only let me stay as I was their daughter. They were disgusted with me. We went to our flat to collect clothes for me. The whole flat stank when we went in. We found the cause. Darren had certainly made his statement on my fucking in our bed.

I spent all my time trying to work out what I had done. Why? My body was reacting, I thought to my stress. I was sleepy, I was agitated, I sweated a lot. I couldn't face eating. I couldn't focus on anything. My aunt tried to help me but she couldn't get me to speak. She spoke with my parents but nothing they did helped. We found the probable cause much later.

I was seen by my GP and referred to a psychiatrist. He wrote to the court as I couldn't give instructions to my solicitor apparently. I don't recall speaking to one. I saw Darren that day but he didn't look at or speak to me. I just looked at the floor. My only feeling was disgust at myself.

The next I remember was waking in so much pain. I saw a lot of blood. An ambulance took me to hospital. I told the staff to let me die. It would be better for everyone. I've since learned I had a miscarriage. I hadn't known I was pregnant.

I was transferred to the hospital. I'm seen three times a week by a psychiatrist but have made no headway. I can't get past Why? I love Darren with all my heart, I'd never cheat on him but I saw the evidence. Why? Why did I have no recollection of such a spiteful act?

I was on strong medication which left me almost zombie like. It was only when the truth came out, they have been able to reduce it slowly and I have more cognitive function. I'm not fully aware yet but my memory is not so blank.

This was after my parents told my psychiatrist and me that there were videos of Mitchell drugging me to enable him to have sex with me. They asked what did I want to do? I didn't know. What could I do? I told them to do what seems right.

I made a little progress after that but despite this, I wasn't capable of being let out the hospital. I still didn't see why I cheated on Darren. The psychiatrist and my parents had quite a few discussions. My aunt became involved. It's only in the last three months have I really moved forward. I'm told certain things and I accept them but I struggle to reconcile them with what happened. It's my lack of memory of the events which truly scares me. What else will be found? How could I not know?

Darren hasn't come to see me and I understand why. I couldn't have hurt him anymore than I did. I wanted to write to him to explain what had happened and why, so he would understand that there was absolutely no blame on him. He didn't fail, I did. My aunt thought it might help me but she didn't know if Darren would read it. My parents said they would give it to him.

This is what I wrote. It was accompanied by many tears.

"Dear Darren,

I cannot apologise to you for what I did. If I started today, I'd still be apologising when the sun explodes. There are no words I can write which may give you any comfort for what I did. I am so ashamed, I hurt the only man I'll love so deeply. The kindest, most caring man on the planet. I did all this while you were going through the worst time I can ever imagine, watching a parent die for the second time. I should have been with you, holding you, comforting you and your mum. I'll never lose the guilt I feel about that. It haunts me every waking moment and even in my dreams or rather nightmares.

I know my pain when I think about what I have done is excruciating but I know it is only a fraction of the pain I inflicted on you.

Darren, you always felt that you didn't deserve me. I told you repeatedly that it was the other way around. I felt a spark from the first moment we touched. It was my fault. I saw your eyes and that smile and knew you were someone who I could like. I never knew how much until I destroyed everything.

I hadn't much sexual experience but I was soon wishing you were more adventurous as I wanted to make love to you. I used the time to learn from my aunt how to please you, how to give you all of me. We were still building our repertoire. I was so looking forward to having our children, our grandchildren, great-grandchildren and holding hands with you in extreme old age. Hopefully still having the desire to make love, to hold each other, stare at the stars and laugh at life.