Can I ever Heal?

"When I talked with friends about our plans, our family to come and our future, you were jealous, you couldn't have those as you didn't possess any attributes which would give you those. Your actions have destroyed the future we had planned. I'll never dangle children on my knee, never see the grandchildren, never hold hands with him in a nursing home, watching the stars. You took all that away from me. I'll never love anyone else.

"Had I not miscarried, I would have borne your child as I would not have aborted her. I would have taught her about love, compassion, empathy and helped her grow into a person to be proud off."

Mitchell seemed shocked at that.

"I hadn't realised I was pregnant, probably due to the effects of those drugs which are wearing off slowly. It sent me spiralling even deeper into total despair. I was committed to a mental hospital.

"I have watched all the videos of you raping me. Not as a voyeur but to confirm to myself I never wanted it. Each showed you raping me, my reluctance so I know I wasn't having an affair with you, which gives me some relief. I had been scared witless I was somehow as twisted as you, wanting to have sex with you.

"What is inescapable, I failed in my duties not only as a wife but a human being. My mother-in-law had welcomed me openly into the family. She was a second mum, someone I could talk to on anything and good with her advice. I loved her almost as much as I love Darren."

Her voice rose, "I SHOULD HAVE BEEN WITH HIM, WITH HER THROUGHOUT HER ILLNESS, SUPPORTING THEM INSTEAD YOU BLANKED THEIR PLIGHT FROM ME. SHE DIED WITHOUT ME WITH HER, HATING ME FOR WHAT I WAS DOING TO HER SON BECAUSE YOU WANTED TO RAPE ME. TO TAKE ME IN MY MATRIMONIAL BED AS THE FUNERAL WAS ONGOING. HOW LOW DO YOU HAVE TO BE TO TREAT OTHER HUMANS LIKE THAT.

"IF I'D ANY WAY OF KNOWING AT THE TIME, I WOULD HAVE KILLED YOU IN OUR BED AND KILLED MYSELF!"

She turned to the Judge. She was struggling to contain her anger.

"This excuse for a man has shown no remorse. He is only interested in his own interests. There is a suggestion, he no longer poses a danger to women. That is erroneous. He has not one cell capable of remorse. If he is not jailed for the rest of his life, he will find a way to rape women, using objects if he no longer has the equipment. It is his game. He will be a danger as long as he breathes. He must never be released from jail to protect other women."

I was dumbfounded to see Audrey had spoken for over an hour. The Judge adjourned the court for half an hour. Audrey's mum held her and brought her to a seat near her dad and me. I told him to go to her but he said I needed someone. He was probably right. I'd shed a few tears during her testimony. It was so factual, yet, the words, the emotion within it tugged the heart.

The Judge returned and after ensuring neither Advocate wished to make any final statement went to his judgement. He praised the women who had given testimony acknowledging how difficult it had been for them, given the nature of the crimes against them. He hoped all would find resolutions to their problems which were good for them.

He looked at Mitchell and if you weren't paying attention, you'd have missed his fleeting look of utter disgust. He gave Mitchell both barrels. The crimes were such, his lack of remorse and the forensic psychiatrists' reports (for crimes such as these you need two, one prosecution, the other defence by separate forensic psychiatrists) showed he was a danger not just at this time but for the foreseeable future, probably for life.

Mitchell was sentenced to life in prison with a recommended "whole life tariff." The Judge stipulated he should never be released unless there was no way he would be capable of assaulting any woman.

I never knew I was holding my breath. The gallery cheered. Some threats were made to Mitchell. I sat there stunned. I admit there were tears running down my face.

I watched Mitchell being led away to the cells. I hope he rots in prison, being a fuck buddy to another complete arsehole.

Can I ever heal?

The Aftermath.

We walked out of the court together, well Audrey was on the other side of Heather and I was on the other side of Peter. I tried to say goodbye but Heather suggested we go to a restaurant beside the Concert Hall for lunch. I tried to refuse.

Peter said, "Darren, this week has been very stressful for all of us. You can't be alone with all those feelings rushing about. Come with us, please."

As I thought about how to say no, Sharon came up to us. She hugged Audrey and told her she'd done brilliantly. She hugged me and said, "I heard you yesterday. Everyone heard the pain which Mitchell caused. I saw you crying today. You need help as much as Audrey. Come on, lunch won't wait."

She took my arm and started walking. I went with her. On a subconscious level I knew I needed help. The meal was good even if the atmosphere was a bit tense. Audrey and I tried to avoid being seen looking at each other. We talked about things not related to the events. Audrey and I didn't speak directly.

It was Sharon who asked a question which reduced me to tears. "What have you not done which needs done?"

Does she read minds? I tried to evade it but she said, "Darren, it's normal to put off something you don't want to do but this is hurting you. What is it?"

Peter and Heather looked like they expected me to say the divorce. I couldn't go ahead while Audrey was in hospital.

I said sadly, "I've still to put mum's ashes beside dads. I've kept the area in the garden pristine so I can just do it but I can't by myself."

Heather spoke softly, "Darren, we were there when you scattered your dad's ashes. Many of their friends were there. I'm sure you haven't done anything about your mum's phone. Her friends will all be on it. I can come and call them to give them a date and time. We'll be there for you. I would be happy to do it for you. Your mum and I got on so well, you are like her in so many ways."

Peter put his arms around me, "Darren, let us help unite your parents."

I agreed. For the first time Audrey spoke directly to me.

She spoke sadly, "Darren, I know you won't want me there. Can I ask if I could come along later and speak to your mum and explain everything to her? I loved her so much and I betrayed her love for me." She was in tears. Heather held her as she sobbed.

I said quietly, "I think mum would like that." Audrey cried even more then.

As we were leaving, Sharon kissed me and whispered, "Thank you."

Two days later Heather called and asked if I still wanted her to arrange the scattering of the ashes. I agreed. She said, "Can I bring Audrey? She's been very down since the court. She put so much effort into that. I need to keep an eye on her." Again, I agreed.

They arrived just after lunch. I could see them taking in the changes to the house. I'd had the exterior painted. The interior needed work. I had the grounds (sounds posh) well-tended. I had nothing else to do in the evenings or weekend. I had coated the decking which is to the south side of the house. There used to be a hot tub there but it broke many years ago. I spent an age power washing the patio which ran along the east side of the house. Between the two areas, my parents spent a lot of time in the sun when possible.

I was working at my desk so they took a pad and started a list of all the friends on the phone. When completed, Heather asked me to suggest the ones to call to invite. I ticked about thirty, the ones who'd gone to the funeral and some others who had contacted me as they were not able to attend.

We talked about drinks, sandwiches, desserts etc. I knew the firm who catered for dad's scattering. I would pick up the cases of beer, wine and spirits when next in Perth.

Heather organised the rest. Audrey was happy being helpful, recording everything. It was late afternoon when Audrey brought me a coffee.

She said, quietly, "Thank you for letting me come. It's been good to help do this for her." Tears sprang from her eyes, "I should have been here to help you both!"

I don't know how but the next I knew I was holding her trying to comfort her. We stood like that for at least five minutes. It was Heather saying, "Your coffee will get cold," which drew me back.

Audrey looked shocked.

Heather filled me in on all the plans. The caterers would drop off the food in the morning of the event by ten. Everyone would gather no later than 11.45. We would scatter the ashes and then have lunch and share many stories about my parents.

I felt a sense of relief. I knew I had to reunite mum and dad but I couldn't. Knowing her friends would be there was a relief.

Audrey spoke, "Darren, after your dad died, you tried to get your mum to change some of the furnishings as they were past it. She wouldn't as they reminded her of her time with him. They are even more past it now. Our furniture is in storage. I won't be using it. Bring it here and replace the pieces. The bed will need a new mattress, new duvet and additional duvet set.

"The desk is far better than the one you're using. You're probably in your old room yet the master bedroom has those fantastic views."

I found myself agreeing. That weekend, I hired a large van. Peter and I spent the two days transporting our furniture from storage.

Heather, Sharon and Audrey were rearranging everything. We dropped the stuff off in the right room and filled the van with stuff for the recycling centre which we dropped off before picking up the next load.

Heather and Sharon had cooked a lovely meal for us all on the Saturday. There was a sense of peace in the house.

The final load included Audrey's sewing machine, table and lots of equipment. She was a very good seamstress. I said I would take it to her parents' house.

Audrey said, "I could help with new curtains if you wish. Having it here for that would be helpful."

Again, I agreed.

Peter asked about the partially restored rocking chair on the decking. It was my latest project.

I laughed, "Peter, you won't believe this. After mum's funeral, her friends were telling tales about mum and dad. I learned how they got engaged, that's a really funny story. The chair is another. As you can see, the deck is not overlooked. Mum and dad were busy making love on the rocking chair when her dad popped by. He walked past them saying, "don't mind me!" and put the kettle on. They hadn't noticed him so by the time they finished, he had already drank his tea and done half the crossword. Mum hadn't put her panties back on. She told her friends she didn't know what was redder, her face or her pussy!"

Everyone laughed and asked about the engagement story so I had to tell. I did say grandad had a wicked sense of humour.

The day before the scattering, Heather, Sharon and Audrey arrived early, dressed for cleaning. Before I could say anything, Heather said, "You've kept the house clean and tidy but it needs some extra care for all those coming tomorrow. You get on with your work while we give the house a spring clean."

I could hear, the vacuum cleaner, brushes, mops going. Audrey or Sharon would bring me a coffee.

I was called through for lunch, I almost didn't recognise the kitchen. It sparkled. I felt tears behind my eyes.

"I can't thank you enough for all you've done and are doing. I put a lot of the drabness down to needing decorated but really it needed a bloody good clean as well. Thank you."

After lunch I worked away. More coffee would appear. Finally, I heard all the cleaning stuff being put away.

I went to thank them again. As they were leaving, Heather said, "I'll be here when the caterers dropped off the lunches. I'll sort it all out."

I hugged her and Sharon. Audrey spoke quietly, "I hope tomorrow helps you. I'll come on Sunday if I may."

I looked at her. She was so sad. I knew my mum loved her as I had done.

"Audrey, come tomorrow. Be with everyone. She loved you, she never said anything bad about you. Maybe hearing about her will help. I know at her funeral tea, I laughed at so many stories about her and dad. Please come with your parents."

She hugged me, whispered, "Thank you." Sharon and Heather had tears in their eyes.

When they left, I looked through the house. I was surprised when I went into the master bedroom. We'd put Audrey and I's superking bed in it. I did replace the mattress and duvet. It was now made up. If I sat drinking my coffee in bed, I could look over the hills and sky beyond. My parents had. From what I was learning that just led to other things.

The ensuite hadn't been used since mum died but it shone. Every surface, you could eat your dinner from. The taps were like mirrors.

The whole house was like that -- pristine.

I stayed in my old room but I had a very good night's sleep for a change. I was dressed and prepared when Heather, Peter and Audrey arrived. Audrey looked lovely in a bright yellow summer frock. I hadn't seen that before.

Peter and I set up the beer, spirits and wine. There were soft drinks, nibbles, etc. When the caterers arrived, Heather and Audrey, put stuff in the fridges, the cupboards and freezer. There were paper plates and plastic cutlery.

Sharon arrived around 11. When she did Heather teased her, she missed all the work. She just laughed.

I headed to my room and brought down some gifts I had for them. I gave Peter a bottle of 15-year-old Benromach Speyside malt. It's traditionally made and more peaty than newer Speysides but not overpowering peaty like the Skye malts.

Heather and Sharon, I gave them each a bottle of Benromach Red Door gin which they love. I can't stand gin but it's for them.

To Audrey, I gave her a bottle of Anais Anais perfume, she loves it. I loved it on her as well.

The other guests started to arrive and by 11.45 everyone was there. Heather put the oven on for the sausage rolls. You can't have a scattering without sausage rolls!

The last ones to arrive were Ben and his wife, Betty, old friends of my parents. They're a lovely couple. There was some tension because of what we were about to do. He took that all away with his first words. I almost dropped the urn with mum's ashes.

"Darren, I see you've been renovating the love chair. It's on the wrong spot. Your dad preferred it over closer to the edge. He said the boards there were worn better and allowed it to rock easier! He was sure his mum and dad used that spot!"

Everyone laughed. I hugged him. It was just what I needed.

We made our way about two hundred yards from the house to a little clearing within some trees. For some reason, there always seemed to be a beam of light into the clearing. That was why mum put dad's ashes there or so I thought. I learned that afternoon the other reason.

I said a few words, thanking them all for being there, for being such good friends with my parents, even if at times you told them stuff I did when younger. Today, we'll join their ashes. "Dad said we are all cosmic dust, so they are just back to their roots, together."

I saw Sharon speaking quietly with Audrey. Audrey looked shocked but Sharon nodded and pushed her. Audrey came up to me. Her eyes showed how scared she was. She took my hand and said, "I want to be here for you today. You'll need someone to hold you. Let me help you."

I had been holding back my tears so just nodded. She moved with me to where dad's ashes were. As I scattered the ashes, Audrey held me and said loud enough for everyone to hear, "Mum and dad, be united forever. You taught us how love was so special. You gave us a lovely son who inherited all your good traits. You left far too soon but you left everyone better for having known you both. Your stories will be told for years. We all love and miss you."

When I finished, she hugged me. The meal was lovely though, as usual, I ate far too many sausage rolls. There were a lot of laughs. It appeared my parents had a secret sex life which I knew nothing off. Ben, who I admit was very close to my dad, floored me when he asked, "Have you never worked out the grooves on that tree in that clearing?"

My face must have been a picture. He laughed and a few others laughed. Some of the women blushed very hard. Everyone else was waiting for the tag line.

Ben laughed, "When you were away, they could play. He rescued her and gave her mouth to mouth or mouth to pussy from a fire in the house. Firemen also do some stoking! Your mum's favourite was just before he was due home, she would tie herself to the tree, naked, perhaps just stockings. He would have to search for her. When he came upon such a tasty morsel, he did what any self-respecting man would do. He caressed her to at least four orgasms before he fucked her stupid. When he was satisfied, he untied her and laid her across the low branch and spanked her for being so naughty. That just got him hard so he fucked her again.

"She'd get down on her knees and beg forgiveness sucking him back hard before she put him on the ground and fucked him until they both exploded. Often, we could hear them.

"They said you and Audrey were just as loud as them!"

Audrey was so red. Even I blushed.

"Why did you think they wanted their ashes spread around that tree?"

I stammered, "The beam of light which always seems to be there!"

Wow, I'd need to look later.

Fortunately, most of the other stories shared were more about how mum helped everyone.

Ben, John and Andy were huddled together talking quietly. I saw they were all blushing.

I said, "Come on, spill it. It can't be any worse than the other stories." I was wrong.

John said, "It was only the one time. We were having a drink and a game of cards with all our wives here. You're like your dad, you cannot lie so he was easy meat at poker mostly. We used chips not money because of that. Our wives weren't very happy. They were in the old hot tub so you know how long ago that was.

"They felt we ignored them for too long. They came in in their bikinis. Your dad was out of chips. He thought he had a hand but would have to fold. Your mum suggested he bet her bra. We quickly accepted before your dad could say anything. Your dad couldn't back down but said, if we lost our wives had to remove their bras. They were shocked as they never thought your dad would ever suggest something like that."

I saw their wives blushing. Audrey and her family were staring with big smiles on their faces.

John continued, "Well, would you believe it, he won. We said we'd pay in chips but he wouldn't accept. A bet is a bet was our rules. Our wives weren't happy with us. They huddled and the next we knew three bras were on the table. Our wives were topless. The first and only time. As you know they all have excellent, large breasts. Still have.

"We were all speechless and I was more than a bit aroused. I think all the men were. Your mum was laughing at our expressions.

"We played a second hand and your dad lost. Your mum pouted and made out she was scared. She was a tease as she slid her straps down and unhooked her bra. With some panache she threw her bra on the pile. She'd just as great breasts as the others. Ben, being Ben said, "panties next" and we played on. Our wives' jaws dropped, even your mum's.

"You dad creamed us so our wives huddled again and the panties landed on the table. Everyone now knew my Ellen was a natural blond. Betty was the only bare one. Joan was a brunette.

"The next hand, your dad won again. We tried to pay in chips but it was your mum who said, "all our wives were to cuddle your dad for thirty seconds." They did. Your dad, I've never seen him blush so much. Ellen's nipples could have cut glass. The others had enjoyed it too."

Their wives were really blushing now!

"Your dad's luck didn't hold and he lost. Your mum was a right minx. She danced around, slowly pulling her panties down, turning and swaying her bum. Everyone was hard. She could have had a job as a stripper. She finally took them off and put them on the table.