Can I ever Heal?

You gave me so much. Your love, support meant I did those evening classes to help people learn to read and write. You allowed me to dream and tried to give me those. I tingled whenever we kissed. I experienced so much love from you, I would never look at another man. I never will.

I was living a dream with the man I'll love until I die.

Everything was great until Mitchell joined the company. From my parents, I understand you know a little of what went on. Since Mitchell has pled guilty to the charges against him, the Area Fiscal has allowed my psychiatrist to show me those videos. Either my aunt or my mum is present as well as I need their support.

Despite being told I was drugged, I could never understand Why? Why, I did what I did. Why don't I remember? I have had much of it explained to me but still have trouble believing what they are saying. I know you are still in pain. I want to explain to you how it all happened. I know it will be difficult for me to write it, worse for you to read it.

I never lied to you. This first statement will anger you but, in essence, it is true. Factually, it is incorrect as you know.

Mitchell, if nothing else was organised. He recorded everything from the very first time he drugged me.

From the analysis of the drugs the Police recovered from his home, the psychiatrist tells me they are known pharmaceutical drugs which are used very sparingly and only as a last resort in her field as they can overwrite memories, leaving the person unaware of their actions, but still capable of functioning. She explained it as one part is on automatic pilot, guided by the other person while the other part, acts almost normally. It just doesn't record memories in the same way. So, when I said, I never fucked Mitchell, I had no memory of it so I wasn't lying.

The first time when he drugged me was when he brought up, I was his PA. He spent some time persuading me to have my hair cut. I was with him at the hairdresser. I answered her and we spoke about normal stuff. It was mum, who was with Sharon and the psychiatrist who said, "It's Audrey speaking but there's something off. Her tone is wrong." The psychiatrist said that was the effect of the drug.

When I came home, I saw you were shocked but I never "knew" I had had my hair cut. I was as shocked as you as I loved tying you up, teasing you with my hair before making you explode with my mouth or pussy. I didn't know what to say. How did I have no memory of that?

Every day, he gave me coffee. They think he dissolved those tablets in it. On those videos, I could see myself interact with him but I have no memory as such of these events. It was two days before the picnic when he first raped me. By then I'd had twelve days of these tablets. I was being programmed apparently as Mitchell talked quietly to me, telling me what was to come. I still have no such recollection, yet I have seen the videos. Had I known, I would have told you. You would have protected me.

The first time, he unzipped himself in the office after the others had left. He wanked himself hard and had me mount him and fuck him until he came. In all the videos, although I did allow him to fuck me, it was clear I wanted to refuse. I just couldn't. I never instigated the sex but I never stopped it. The effect of the drugs.

I cannot believe I never knew and this is still my response despite all my aunt and the doctor have told me. Surely, I must have had some knowledge. This is where the brain takes such a deep, hurtful memory and buries it way beyond conscious recall. I've been having hypnotherapy to try and break this barrier down as until I can reconcile what has happened, I will not be able to function normally. As if that will ever happen!

He was furious with you at the picnic as he had you down as a cuckold. When you threatened him, he about pissed himself! Probably would have if you had caught him before he went. He told me to tell you we weren't fucking and I'd never do it.

Despite the rapes, the videos which cause me the most pain and tears are those when you and I were speaking about your mum. You know she loved me like a daughter and I loved her so much. It kills me to know I never saw her before she died. How her love must have changed to hate at my treatment of you. She didn't deserve any of that pain.

There are a number of videos where I'm trying to go with you to see your mum but he overrules me. I couldn't overcome his words. He gloated at this. This was his revenge on you. I was crying when I told you I couldn't come to the funeral but he just laughed. He had a plan. You saw it. He didn't know you had our home bugged.

Mitchell made sure we fucked almost every day. There was no foreplay. On a couple, I think I must have lubed myself at the toilet beforehand. When I had my period, he wanked over my face. Looking at the video he was bigger than you but I had no pleasure. I was just a sperm dump. I never gave him a blowjob or anal.

I'd offer the videos to you to see for yourself, if that would help you appreciate what I have said is the truth.

I know in some way, it has helped me to know the drugs used meant my memory was removed so when I said I wasn't fucking him, I wasn't lying. I didn't know I was. In addition, as I said, my psychiatrist and aunt agree the human mind does try and shield you from the deepest hurt if it can. I am not happy with that explanation.

I did arouse you a couple of times and made love with you. I'm ashamed to say I see from the videos it was his suggestion. He stopped me taking my pills so he wanted you to think any child would be yours. Again, I didn't know. He's an evil bastard.

My inner self had stopped us having sex as I was so guilty. It wasn't difficult as we were rowing so much.

Darren, I know what I did was the most hurtful thing anyone could do to another. I am so sorry. I will grieve the loss of our marriage and your love for the rest of my life.

Please, don't keep a hold of your pain. Allow my aunt or another counsellor to help you. You deserve to find someone who you will love and give you the family you wish. You have so much love in you and you'll be a great dad.

I do grieve for the child I lost as it wasn't her fault how she was conceived. I have read the report and know she wouldn't have been yours. Had she been, I would have been even more devastated.

If, at any time, you wish to speak or just shout at me, I'll be ready.

I know this will cause the memories to rise again. I only hope that knowing the details may let you move on. You will have trouble, like I do, accepting the fact that I have no recollection of fucking Mitchell yet the videos don't lie.

I can still say clearly to myself and mean it. I love you will all my being. I would never knowingly cheat on you. These drugs are extremely powerful, without them I would have resisted even more. I'd have told you what he was doing.

Take care of yourself.

All my Love,

Audrey.

My aunt read the letter before I gave it to my parents. She added an addendum to explain the drugs and their effect and how they stopped my brain recording. She gave him a website which contains research on the drugs used. I think she also wanted to see how I was feeling, how I wrote it. I don't think it came as a shock to her, I was still struggling badly to come to terms with the concept.

The revelations had meant my parents no longer saw me as the "whore" but as a victim but they struggled as well to understand the lack of memory. Dad never saw any video. Mum sat in on some sessions when her sister wasn't available. I needed someone with me as watching those cut me to the marrow. We'd both be crying so hard. I'm sure she took extra blouses with her. The discussion afterwards was often brutal.

My parents and Darren have been meeting up once or twice a month. They love Darren and with his parents gone, want to make sure he knows he has people who care about him. They meet in a little cafe which makes great scones. Dad and Darren love their scones. We were members of the National Trust Scotland and we rated the properties not on the buildings but the quality of their scones! This cafe not only has great scones but rhubarb and ginger jam, his favourite.

They told me afterwards they had to persuade him to take it. Mum had said, "Darren it's been almost a year. Your mum would want you to move on with your life. This letter gives you all the details known. It will hurt, bring back those awful memories but let you know WHY? Audrey struggled to write it. It hurt her so much but she wanted you to know you have no blame in this. We've struggled with the knowledge of what happened despite seeing the evidence. It's changed how we treat Audrey, for the better. If it can help you move on, read it. You need a life. Work, home, is not a life for you."

He agreed to read it and I know if Darren says he will, he will do it.

Can I ever heal?

The Court

Due to the nature of the many charges against Mitchell, the High Court sitting in Perth scheduled three days for the summary of evidence and witness impact statements. I was given the choice as to whether I wished to put one in and if I wished to read my submission to the court.

I took quite a few nights and days to write my witness impact statement. As I read it, I thought of Audrey and how she would change this. I had read her letter. I read the research on the drugs used and was gobsmacked at their effect. She was right, I couldn't grasp how she had no knowledge.

I crafted my statement according to the guidelines. No swear words, no threats to be used. I would speak.

As I would not be cross examined, I could sit in the court to hear all the evidence or in a witness room. They did not expect me to be called until late on the second day, if not the third day as Audrey and I were the last victims.

As I sat in the court, Peter sat beside me. He looked at me, "You'll need someone with you. She has her mum."

The Advocate for the prosecution led a concise but damning review of all the crimes Mitchell had committed. I was staggered to learn that he had begun his working life at a pharmaceutical business which manufactured the drugs he later used to rape his victims. This had given him the knowledge and access to those drugs. The company were being prosecuted as they failed to store those securely as required by law. Mitchell had a friend who took and gave him the drugs. He is awaiting trial. I wondered if he supplied others like Mitchell hence, he wasn't here.

It was no surprise that his first victim was at that company. When he moved to new employment, he repeated the rapes with others. Audrey was victim number nine. The women were all similar, married, blond and childless. He wanted tight vaginas. The victims had no recollection due to the drugs of the actual events but in all the videos, none instigated sex, all were very reluctant, even with the drugs.

I was happy I was listening as an expert explained the concept behind those drugs. They were used as a last resort for those who had suffered serious trauma, battlefield injuries and so on. Their short-term use was to allow the horrific memories to be parked and allow the person to get on with their life. When they became capable of rationalised thought, more normal, the dose would be reduced and the hope was the patient would be strong enough, with assistance, to be able to deal with those strong emotions now. It was successful in over 70% of cases but the medical team had to be highly proficient as it could overwrite too much if over prescribed.

What Mitchell had done was to overdose his victims. This had the effect of stopping them recalling what had happened immediately. The expert had interviewed them all and along with other research, he was hopeful the effects of the drugs would wear off over a year to eighteen months depending on how long the victim had been receiving the drugs. This was the case in his early victims. The more recent ones were now reliving their experiences. As the effect of the drugs wore off, their memories were being slowly restored. They had to deal with his rapes as though they were just occurring. They were all receiving assistance.

One major effect and one often commented upon was that the victim was "off!" He stated, the lack of memory of the events meant that when the victim was engaged in conversation, they were slightly off key, off response, like watching a downloaded movie where the sound wasn't quite synced with the action. There were no glazed eyes, slurring of words like a street drug or alcohol may show. The other person would have no comprehension that the victim was being drugged.

The Defence Advocate began by accepting his client's guilt. While they were grave offences, he had plead guilty at the first opportunity. He no longer posed a threat as due to a vicious attack, still unsolved, he was unable to have sex again. As such a non-custodial sentence may be possible.

Those watching did not seem to think so. A few men were looking at Mitchell and I felt, were not well disposed to him. They, I assumed, were the husbands or relatives of his victims. Good luck to Mitchell living a long life if he was not jailed.

Following the closure of the defence, the victims' statements began. I had tears listening and was grateful to have Peter with me, holding me.

The first victim had happened eight years before. She explained how she had no knowledge until about a year later when she started having flashbacks. She didn't know why she was incapable of stopping it being repeated. This preyed on her mind. She couldn't tell her husband. She tried to take her own life. The counselling afterwards helped her survive but her marriage didn't as her husband never believed she didn't consent to it. She hadn't been in a relationship since.

Why had she no memory until a year later? She hadn't known about the use of drugs until the Police had contacted her. She was damning in her appraisal of Mitchell and suggested he be locked up and the key thrown away.

The other victims were similar. No knowledge until the repressed memories came. They didn't know what to do. Some marriages failed, some are rocky but working through with counselling. Outcome unknown. Mitchell's character was trashed beyond repair. The venom in their eyes would have made me look away but he just smirked. It was like he was enjoying reliving all the rapes again. The Judge noted his lack of remorse if his face told the true story.

I noted no other husbands gave a verbal account of their victim statement, if they had made one.

I was called. I held my eyes solely on Mitchell. He grew uncomfortable but still had that smirk. I spoke quietly, clearly enough to be heard by all in the court, as I had told myself as I prepared, I wasn't going to shout, which is what I really wanted to do. I wanted to be clearly heard, not ignored due to an outburst.

I explained how my marriage to Audrey had been, our plans for the future. Neither ever saw anything other than us being together until death. How our lives revolved around ourselves, our families and friends.

I moved on to Mitchell's effect. I started with the hair and then the picnic with my assessment of him. Not flattering. I reiterated the arguments, fights Audrey and I had which led me to instruct surveillance on her. How she denied everything but seemed off. I couldn't place exactly what but this wasn't the Audrey I knew. I had not chased the outcome due to my mum's illness. When I did, this gave more confirmation of what I thought of, at that time, their affair.

As I closed, I wanted ever word to impact on those watching so there was no doubt as to what he had done.

"The raping of my wife was the act of a coward, a worthless piece of excrement. I learned later that you had begun raping her before the picnic. I knew immediately you were dangerous. I told her she couldn't work with you but I know now you were already drugging her. As I had a few words with you, you almost urinated on yourself, you're so worthless. You wanted revenge.

"I never realised just how low you were. You had no morals, no scruples, you only allow what you want to dictate how you act. You have no empathy, compassion, no capability to love. Watching you there's been not one moment of remorse, unless you include your feelings on being caught with your pants down. Something you'll need to be careful of very soon."

That raised a few laughs from those watching. Mitchell wasn't amused. Tough!

"Had my wife had any idea and had come to me, I would have stopped it. I would have supported her as that's what men who are capable of love would do. She didn't know and her attitude coached by you meant we fought and fought. It was destroying our marriage as you intended.

"As if your enjoyment of raping my wife wasn't enough, your ego was ecstatic as you used your drugs to control her to commit the ultimate crime. One for which you should never, ever be released from prison for.

"When you learned through Audrey that my mother was ill and then terminally ill, you removed her memory of that. You kept her away from me, my mother who had adored her. You took her for your toy when she should have been with me, with my mother as she exited her life.

"Even such callousness as that, was not enough for you. You had to take it further, prove you were the top turd. You ensured Audrey, not only didn't attend my mother's funeral but you took her to our home where you raped her in our bed as my mother's funeral was ongoing. I came home from the funeral to have a notification on my laptop. It was the video of the two of you, date and time stamped."

The Judge had a look of shock as I told this part of the story. His Advocate was embarrassed. Mitchell just smiled, reliving the memory.

"I had been going to divorce Audrey quietly, make sure your wife knew about you and get on with my life. I was now so angry, I wanted vengeance not revenge. I chased all the evidence the surveillance had and put it all together. I gave your thefts and details of your rendezvouses to your boss. I had the files given to your wife.

I looked hard into his eyes as I concluded, "I FINISHED YOUR CAREER, I FINISHED YOUR MARRIAGE AND I FINISHED YOUR LIFE OF CRIME!"

His smirk left his face as he realised who had made him less than a man.

It was a choice of words which I could defend easily.

Due to the time, the Judge adjourned till the next day.

I assumed from her dad that Audrey would be giving her statement. I was a bit concerned as she'd only been out of the hospital for a month.

When Audrey walked in, I was shocked at her appearance. She had let her hair grow again. She had lost weight. She was dressed quite demurely. While she was nervous, I could see her resolve. Peter whispered, "She's terrified but determined. She wants to face him. Excise him by showing she is herself. She's not close but he'll never know."

Her mother was allowed to sit close to her. She looked very worried.

Audrey began much like I had detailing our happy marriage and dreams. She included helping Mitchell at work, her shock at how her marriage was coming apart and the meeting in the office when she was fired.

Audrey detailed her descent into a pit of despair, her miscarriage and subsequent months in a psychiatric hospital. She revealed her great distress of not knowing why? How being allowed to view the videos he had made of her had allowed some closure. She was now dealing with memories which were now coming out as the effects of the drugs used were wearing off. They added a new layer to the torture she feels every day for her betrayal of me.

She turned to Mitchell. Her voice was steady, forced maybe.

"You deliberately set out to destroy my life. You heard how happy I was with Darren, how he was the complete opposite of you. A loving, caring man, generous in spirit and happy to help anyone. You don't have a single cell in your body capable of caring for another human being.