Caputpedes

"I mean you, Em. Lesbian sex with a giant squid is amazing, but you are pretty amazing too."

We spontaneously kissed and then giggled again. Then reality poked its ugly head back into my brain and I became more serious.

"Na-ri. Can I tell you something?"

"Of course. Anything."

"I'm scared, Na-ri. I'm really scared. It's not even the consciousness extraction going wrong. It's the more likely thing, that it goes right. Will I still be me? I'll stop being human, surely."

"OK, Em. I don't understand it all, but from what you have told me, you would still be you. Your thoughts, your memories, your feelings, your opinions. If you reconstitute your human form, you told me that it's a perfect copy. Down to individual cells. Down to individual atoms. If that form is bound to your consciousness, then I can't really see how it isn't still you."

"You think?"

"I think. Look, we aren't really our bodies, are we? If I lose an arm, I don't stop being me, do I? It's only if your brain processes stop that you die. Yours would go on, go on for effectively ever. It's just they would I be separate, just like they would be separate from a severed arm."

This was what I needed to hear. I didn't really care if it was true or not. I needed it to be true. I'd been through these arguments many times in my head; but it helped to talk to someone else.

"You said forever. That's also scary. Being immortal. Watching everything you know atrophy, every person you know die."

"Not every person. You'll have David. And it seems he has survived for millennia. I was talking to Duxie earlier and she asked if I was interested in the machine, so who knows?"

"Haven't I warned you about perverted mollusks?"

I felt a little better for talking and the giggles returned. Actually, the laughter felt almost as much of a release as my earlier orgasms. We kissed again, for longer. It felt so natural.

"I looked into something else before I woke you. I asked "David" if the process can be reversed. Apparently, it can. Though the risks are a bit higher. It kinda helped me to think about that."

Na-ri gave me a hug and again our lips touched. Briefly she pushed just the tip of her tongue into my mouth.

"I decided to do this. For David, for what might become our child and also for me. But I'm still terrified. Won't you kiss me again? It really helps."

Na-ri cupped my face with her hands, kissed my forehead, each cheek and the tip of my nose. Tears filled my eyes and she kissed my lips. I sobbed as she kissed me. Probably the last few days had just been too much, maybe I should blame my hormones again. I thought of David and how we had worked out a way to kiss, him still in octopus form. I also thought of him kissing me as any number of human men and women whose form he had taken. But then thoughts of Na-ri took over. Na-ri was here. Na-ri with her silky black hair and flawless white skin, her more womanly breasts and her rosebud lips, which were now pressed against mine.

Without another word being exchanged, we started to undress each other, still sitting on the rug, only parting our lips when absolutely necessary. When both nude, we interlocked our legs and pressed our pussies together. At the same time as we explored each other's mouths with darting tongues.

I broke from her briefly, serious again for a second.

"Na-ri. Thank you. Thank you for being my friend. And thank you for being my last fuck as a human."

"Stop being so melodramatic, Em. Just make sure that I'm also your first fuck as a shape-shifting alien, OK?"

I smiled despite myself and nodded.

"And you can also do something else for me, Em."

"Anything."

"Get on and rub my pussy with yours, girlfriend!"

I laughed, I kissed her, and I did exactly what she told me.

"It's ready."

I opened my eyes and realized I was in Na-ri's bed. We'd taken a post-coital nap, wrapped in each other's arms. Duxie was hovering by her open door. OK, Emily Wilson. It's now or never. I tried to convince myself that all would be well, but didn't do the best job of it. I stroked Na-ri's cheek and said that it was time.

Ten minutes later, the three of us were in my room again, gathered around the machine. It was now entirely blank, the error code erased by Duxie. Na-ri was back in her overalls, but I remained nude. According to our squid friend, that was preferable for the process. I felt self-conscious. An odd reaction given the intimacy I had shared with the other two, then I wasn't always 100% rational.

We'd agreed that it made most sense for Duxie to operate the machine. She claimed to have carried out this procedure thousands of times during her long life.

"And I know what the statistics claim, but I have never lost anyone. You will be fine with me, Emily."

I guess that was of some comfort. I placed my hands on my tummy and reminded myself why I was doing this. While nervous, I was also decided. My chat with Na-ri had let me get the last of the prevarication out of my system. Scared, but certain. That was me. I didn't have any valedictory statements to make. I just wanted to get going.

"Let's do it, Duxie."

I looked at Na-ri, who was doing her best to smile encouragingly, and then back at Duxie. She waved her tentacles in a complicated manner over the metallic cuboid and it hummed into life. The last thing I saw was flashing geometric patterns and then... nothing...

...nothing. Blackness. A void. I guess I was still contemplating these things. And if I was contemplating things, there must be someone doing the contemplating, which was encouraging. I found myself counting...

"0 octopus, 1 octopus, 2 octopus, ..."

I had not reached ten when light began to appear in the darkness. Light that surrounded me, getting brighter, resolving into shapes. White walls, darker figures, one with tentacles. In a sudden rush, everything was clear and I saw Duxie regarding me impassively and Na-ri with a look of concern on her beautiful face.

I felt... OK. OK in general, but suddenly crushingly sad. And anxious. I found myself breathing heavily, knots in my stomach. Had the process gone wrong? Was this some sort of side effect? I was also very aware of being nude. Na-ri offered me a toweling robe and I gratefully wrapped it round me. Overwhelmingly one thing was on my mind: David. Misery for my loss. Worry about what was happening to him. Duxie spoke in what I assumed was her way of trying to be reassuring.

"It's OK, Emily. It's OK. It worked. I think you are OK. Would you let me check?"

Duxie sounded matter of fact, but was there something else in her voice? A note of concern maybe? I nodded.

"I'm sorry, Emily, but I need for you to say it. I need for you to say it's OK to check you over."

"Whatever! It's OK to check me over. What's the big deal?"

"I'll explain. But check first, OK?"

I was aware of Duxie reaching out, her consciousness scanning me. This was not anything I had ever felt with David, and it told me what I needed to know about my changed state. I was like him now.

Duxie's review did not take long, and I felt her presence inside me recede. Then she spoke.

"Good. You are healthy, and so is your embryo. Everything worked. Welcome to a new state of being, Emily."

I didn't feel too joyful, I was happy about my little ball of cells, but otherwise devastated.

"I know, Emily. It's OK. I would have said something before, but I didn't realize just how much you loved him; it was masked pretty effectively. I'm sorry, I could have prepared you better."

"What the fuck are you going on about, Duxie?"

I felt close to tears.

"Well, let's say that other species can get very attached to my, our, kind. It's a problem. The interactions can be so intense, so overwhelming, that they create disproportionate dependency. To be honest..."

She now looked pointedly at Na-ri.

"...it can happen the other way round too."

This was doing nothing to improve my already awful mood.

"Emily, you were special too. But -- as you are experiencing right now -- you are also in love with someone else."

Perhaps some dim understanding was beginning to crawl into my... I was going to say brain, but I didn't really have such a thing any more... my consciousness.

"He did something to me again, didn't he?"

"Yes, Emily. The technique was developed to make interspecies break-ups less messy, maybe not the most noble of reasons, but I'm pretty sure he used it on you. Not to make things easier for him, but for you."

I had guessed already.

"He wanted me to be able to move on, if I never saw him again. Stupid fucking octopus, how like a man!"

"Yes, Emily, I believe that was his motivation. I think he was trying to look after you."

"Can someone please explain what the fuck the two of you are talking about? Is something wrong with Em?"

Duxie swiveled slightly and addressed Na-ri.

"Before he was taken away, David modified Emily's brain to make her forget him. Well not to forget him as such, but maybe to compress a year or two of grieving into a few days. And then sort of make it evaporate. This is often complemented by also increasing the libido of the subject, but refocusing their desires on other people. In short, the procedure makes you much more interested in fucking people other than the person making the brain alteration."

Now she turned to me.

"As this wasn't part of your native consciousness, the process didn't carry the altered state across into your new self. And so..."

"...and so I just got hit with all the suffering I had skipped, but compressed into a few seconds?"

"Yes, Emily. I had assumed something like this would happen, but I didn't anticipate how deep your grief was, how strong your feelings were. Again, I'm sorry."

"Do it to me again!"

"Sorry, Emily, I don't understand what you mean."

"Do what David did to me again."

"Why? You will get over what you are feeling now in a few months. You're asking me to just postpone things."

"Months? I don't have even a few days, Duxie. I've already wasted too much time waiting for you; no offense intended, and I am grateful, though I guess I'm not showing that much right now. I was kinda relaxed about the days passing, but that was just David's magic spell - don't Duxie, I have had it up to here with cephalopod pedantry, OK? You know what I mean."

I glared at her and the tell-tale signs of annoyance on her skin abated.

"Now I see more clearly and time could be of the essence. I can't afford the luxury of being incapacitated by grief, I need to start doing shit. Am I clear?"

"Yes, I understand. If you are sure."

"I'm sure. Hey, maybe if things go well, I can skip the grief altogether."

"OK, Emily. But again, I need you to say it."

"You have to explain this shit, OK? But yes, I want you to take away the pain and anxiety."

"And your libido? Shall I leave that alone?"

I suspect I blushed as I said it was OK to elevate that as well. Catching Na-ri's eye, I saw her grinning. That helped, a normal interaction among all of this strangeness.

"Again, I need you to say it, Emily."

"Also, make me a bitch on heat again please, Duxie."

Na-ri suppressed a giggle as Duxie' extended her two main tentacles towards me and they began to vibrate.

"Wait!"

"What is it, Emily?"

"Can you calibrate it? Can you do, I don't know, 80% of the dose? I don't want to be oblivious, like before. I don't want to forget; I just want to be able to function."

"I can do 80%."

Duxie began again. I felt my sadness begin to ebb away, to become tolerable. It didn't disappear fully, but I could deal with it now. I also began to feel rather horny.

"Like that, Emily?"

"Yeah. Just like that, thank you, Duxie. Sorry to have not been more gracious before."

Na-ri had been pretty quiet, but now she came and embraced me.

"I'm so glad you are OK. Do you... do you feel any different? You don't look any different."

I looked at Duxie.

"OK, I owe you an explanation as promised and then let's see just how different you are."

Duxie collected herself and then continued.

"So, Emily. What am I thinking?"

There were some vague hints, shadows of meaning, but I had to admit I had really no concrete idea.

"OK, so what is Na-ri thinking?"

I paused and, when I thought about it, was aware of voices. Many voices, but one more distinct.

"She's kinda hoping that the process worked, but also rather dreading the idea of me reading her mind."

"That's exactly right sweetie. Sorry to answer for you Na-ri. It's just more efficient."

Having looked at my friend to apologize, Duxie returned her focus to me.

"The reason I had to ask you to explicitly state your consent is because you cannot do anything to another of what is now your kind without their consent. Neither can I. As for mind-reading, you can pick up on some very general stuff, but anything specific also requires consent."

"But Na-ri, or me with David?"

"The rule doesn't apply to -- and please forgive the term -- lower lifeforms. You see, it's not just the interspecies moratorium that led a number of us to leave our society. Many of us argued that the same rules about consent should apply to any sentient being, but we were in the minority. If you ask me, many of us developed a God complex. That wasn't for me."

"So I can invade anyone's mind, except others like you and me?"

"Yes, Emily. Barbaric, isn't it?"

"It's totally fucked up is what it is. But I get it's not your choice."

"Thanks for understanding, Emily."

I opened my locker and thew a scrap of stretchy, flower-covered plastic to Na-ri.

"Put it on, it will give you some privacy."

Na-ri looked confused.

"David made it for me, it prevents mind-reading."

Turning to Duxie, I continued.

"We need a better and more permanent solution for this, but other fish to fry right now; if you will excuse the phrase."

"OK, Emily, but I'm not a fi..."

My look turned withering.

"No more pedantry, I promise, sorry."

"Good, so help me. How do I do, mag... stuff?"

"Well, it's not hard. There is no need for classes, and the best practice is trying things. You just think about something. Not idly, daydreams don't self-actuate, but purposefully, as if you really want it to happen. Just try."

I walked up to my full-length mirror, and regarded my face in it. I looked the same. I wrinkled my nose and stuck my tongue out. Yes, same Emily. I leant closer and concentrated. My freckles faded and then disappeared. Cheekbones began to appear, and my face narrowed a little. Feeling much less self-conscious than before Duxie had "fixed" me, I dropped my robe and stared at my breasts. They started to swell. Whoa! that was way too much, I felt myself almost falling forwards with the extra weight. I shrank them again, 32C maybe, perfect. What next? I started to grow in stature, stopping at about 1.65 meters, Na-ri's height.

"You are doing great, Emily. I told you it was easy."

Staring at the body I had always wanted looking back at me, I felt neither pride, nor pleasure. If anything, I was a little deflated. Perhaps I wasn't being ambitious enough. I formed a new image in my mind, eyes closed, and opened them to see Na-ri in the mirror. I turned to her with a smile, but she didn't return it, instead she looked horrified.

"Em, for fuck's sake! You are freaking me out."

"Sorry, I'll do something else."

I formed the image that had been most on my mind. The one I wanted to see, but had also hesitated to adopt. This time when I looked in the mirror, I saw a large levitating octopus. One with tears streaming from its large eyes.

"Enough!"

The facsimile of David elongated, tentacles merged and became human limbs. Skin became pale pink. And in front of me stood a short, flat-chested girl with dirty blonde hair, freckles, and a tear-stained face.

Na-ri picked the robe up and draped it over me, putting an arm round my shoulder. I turned to her and smiled weakly.

"Well, I guess I can do this shit. But you were right, I still feel like me. And I just want to be me. I could be anything, but for the first time in my life, I just want to be me, Na-ri, I just want to be me."

She held me and I cried in her arms. But what Duxie had done to me was still working, and I collected myself relatively quickly in the circumstances.

"Duxie, thank you for looking after me and for being patient with me earlier. It's a lot to deal with."

"I know, I wasn't born this way. I've been through what you have. Though thankfully without the accelerated grief. It's all OK. But I think it's time for me to go soon. You have picked stuff up really rapidly, actually crazy rapidly, I'm really impressed. Frankly, I doubt you really need me at all. But is there anything you want to ask, or which I can help you with before I go?"

I stroked the side of her head and looked into the eye that was nearest to me. We didn't need telepathy to share a moment; one even more intimate than when she had filled both of our tubes.

"I'd like you to explain interstellar travel. But first, David once told me that he could sense others like you, like us, at great distances. How does that work with the consent stuff we spoke about, and might it be possible for me to reach David?"

"I think what David was talking about is not really remote mind reading. It's related to what you could sense when I asked you to read my mind. We each have a pattern, all lifeforms do, not just things like you and me. It's possible to pick up on that pattern, it doesn't require consent to do so. You know when you suddenly hear your name in a crowded party, it's like that. You can tell someone is thinking about you, but not what they are thinking. I believe that's what happened to David."

"So, I could try to look for his pattern. Maybe he could sense that I'm doing that. Could I maybe try to flag that I want his consent to, you know, talk?"

"I've never heard of that happening, but perhaps it's worth a try."

"OK, I said 'talk', but I can't really do that over a large distance, can I? Wouldn't that breech causality and destroy the Universe?"

"Darling, I'm a technician, not a theorist. But if you can somehow make contact and get his consent, bear in mind again that I don't know if that will really work, then you should be able to converse in real time. I have no idea how or why, sorry. But I occasionally gossip with friends in other star systems that way, so the second part definitely works. Like I said, just try."

I again decided the Lotus position was best. Not that appropriate in a robe maybe, so I took it off. I was now also much more aware of the proto-creature growing inside me. There was no consciousness to connect with, there would not be one for many months, but I could visualize the little ball of cells. As I reached inside myself, I sensed that they were in the middle of dividing again. Refocusing, I held my stomach and tried to reach out to David. Tried to sense his pattern, tried to broadcast my own, with a message.

"David, it's me. It's Emily. Can you hear me? David, I love you. I want to talk to you."

Nothing at first. And not for a long time. But I persevered. I lost track of time, but many minutes must have passed.

"David. Please hear me. I miss you. I'm worried about you. Please David."

And then something. The faintest echo. Nothing concrete. Not the conversation I wanted. But just snippets of words.

"Emily... love... safe... don't come... love... Emily."

It was enough, it was more than enough. But fuck you, David! Don't you dare tell me what to do!

I couldn't maintain contact any longer, the effort left me spent. Suddenly I was back in the room. At first, I thought that my nose was maybe bleeding, but I seemed to be fine.