Castles in the Sky

James broke the silence. 'Are you happy if we carry on as we have been? Half the week about?'

'Yes, with time away here and there on holidays or visiting family.'

'By agreement and not taking the piss.'

Louise nodded. 'I'm sorry about that. I didn't think you knew about us; I couldn't get why you were so bothered. I thought it was you being tired and awkward. I should've listened and thought a bit more.'

James shrugged. 'Nothing we can do about it now, but make sure it doesn't happen again. I don't want to be coming back home and find you sleeping with Briony or thinking that it's her turn or anything. If I'm around, I get first refusal.'

'I can live with that. But if Nita is coming down as well?'

'Then we work it out, each time. Most likely you'll get to bunk with Briony, but we'll talk it through each time.'

'Yeah.' Nita interjected. 'Perhaps I'll want to have a turn with Briony.'

James knew her well enough to recognise the playful tone she used, but he could see from the look of shock on the face of the other two women, they didn't.

'She was joking. Don't stress Louise.'

Louise looked awkward. 'I wasn't stressing.'

'Yes, you were. That look of horror on your face was real.'

'You should have seen the look on their faces earlier when I suggested you might want to hop into bed with them. I was worried one or the other of them was going to have a stroke.' Nita laughed as she spoke. She could see the smirk on James's face at her words.

'It was no different to the one I had when I realised you were in a relationship with Nita. Look, I can make this work. I like what we had, have. I'd love to spend time with the girls and with Nita. If she's important to you, she's important to me. But that does raise another issue. I want children.'

James turned to Briony. 'Briony, what do you want in all this? Your voice is as important as anyone else.'

Briony looked between James and Louise, picking up that he'd blanked her comment about children. James turned his head slightly, indicating he was waiting for her answer.

'I'm good with things remaining as they are. I said to Nita earlier, I think you've been so generous to me. I don't think if the situation was reversed, I could be as kind to you. But my main want is Louise. And for things to stay as they are, for you to stay in her life. I know she isn't happy with just me.'

'How do you know that?' Nita interjected.

'We tried at Uni. We were attracted from when we first met. Tried a few times, bits and pieces, but it didn't work, not properly until Louise got involved with James.'

'What? How does that work?'

'I don't know. We've talked about it a lot, whether it's a fear of social stigma or whether she's actually bi. Things get too intense and we don't work. But when she got involved with James, that dynamic changed for both of us.'

'Really?'

'It was like, the pressure was off and we could just be together and enjoy being together. In an ideal world I would be with someone fulltime, someone just for me. But she has that something that pulls me in. Same effect on me as she has on James, she pulls us to her. I don't want to give her up. That's my wish. I'm relieved this is all out in the open, I hated hiding it. It felt like I was being dishonest about the most important thing in my life and that wasn't good.'

'So, everyone is good? Am I understanding that right? Everyone has what they're looking for?'

James looked around; Nita had asked the question. He looked at her and she nodded her head at him. Briony was nodding slowly. He looked at Louise.

'I want children as well.'

Louise's voice was quite quiet, but everyone in the room heard it.

'You've given Nita children; you know I've wanted to have a family for a long time. I want to have your children. That needs to be part of this conversation. You've been longing it off for too long now.'

'Ain't happening.'

All three women's heads turned to look at James in the same moment.

'I don't give a fuck, if you'll pardon my French. I'm not having children with you, not today, not tomorrow, not any fucking time.'

He watched all three of them recoil from his words. Louise was lost for words. He could see her struggling to respond.

'What?' she finally managed to croak out. He could see the tears pricking her eyes.

'I'll happily stay married with you; continue the life we have. That includes having sex, making love, fucking, I don't know what you call it. An active sex life. That's part of our relationship. But I won't be getting you pregnant.'

'Damn' he heard Nita softly breathe out from next to him.

He stayed silent, watching Louise fighting to get herself under control.

'I don't understand.'

'I'm with her on that James, why won't you have kids with her?' Briony asked. 'I thought you wanted kids.'

'Honey, even I'm puzzled by this. We didn't discuss this. I don't have a problem with you having children with Louise, I was kind of expecting it.'

James shrugged his shoulders. 'I'm happy with the children I've got.'

'I thought we were planning on having children.'

'Sorry Louise, I've been deliberately ducking them for a while now. I offered you the chance of children a couple of times, each time the price of them was a bit too high for you to be prepared to pay. Your choice.'

He could see Louise thinking.

'You wanted me to give up Briony. Why should I give up my friendship with Briony? What's that got to do with us having children?'

She looked confused but pressed on. 'That was before you knew about my relationship with Briony. I don't understand. Even if that was an issue then, you know about us now. What's my relationship with Briony got to do with us having children?'

James could see Nita and Briony both tracking the conversation.

'You had a choice, back when. You could give up your lover and have a family with me. I didn't say it directly in those words but that was the choice I gave you. Even before it dawned on me what your relationship was. Not just once. I even said I'd sell the business, move permanently back to Letchworth and we could have a family. I gave you that option. The only thing I required was that you gave up Briony. Your lover. The price was too high.'

'Now I don't have to give up Briony. Now all of this is out in the open. I've got my thing with Briony and you know about it. You've got a family with Nita and I know about it.'

'Exactly. We're good. Everyone has what they want.'

'But I don't understand. Why can't we have children?'

James looked at all three of them, he could see the same bafflement on each of their faces.

'Perhaps I've not been clear enough. That offer was time constrained and you rejected it. It's now not on the table. You can't give up Briony and go back to what we had. Or rather you can give up Briony. But I've moved on. Regardless of what happens between you and Briony, we won't be having children together. I will keep my relationship with Nita. That offer I made you expired. I offered it again and again in different ways. But once all of the secrets came out, that offer was gone.'

'Why? Seriously James, I don't understand. You say that you love me, I believe you do. I know I love you. I'd be a great mother. Our families would be behind us completely, my parents want us to have kids. My mum's desperate for them. I can see how much you love being a dad. What's the problem? Don't you want to have sex with me?'

Her voice was rising as she continued to speak. Nita held up a hand. 'Louise, give me a minute or two, OK? Perhaps I can help unlock this a bit.'

'James, can you help us understand this a bit better? I'm not getting it. When we spoke about outcomes, this wasn't mentioned at all.'

'Exactly, it's not an outcome. It's not on the table.'

Nita could hear a groan from Louise and saw Briony whispering to her, trying to soothe her.

'Why isn't it on the table? I get where she's coming from. That urge to have children, for a woman is strong. You know how much I wanted it; I'm getting the sense she's in that same place.'

'I asked her what she wanted, I asked everyone, and we found a solution that meets everyone's needs. Not perfect, but it works. Now extra is thrown in.'

'It's a big extra.'

'I think so and I don't agree with it.'

'Have you thought about if it's a big enough thing to derail this whole agreement.'

James shrugged.

'We don't agree, I tell you how this goes down. Me and Louise divorce. I'm fulltime in Manchester. The two of you are out of my house and out of my life. Louise walks away not needing to work for the rest of her life. She'll make out. The house in Letchworth gets rented out.'

'That's harsh. I love that house, it's my home. I'd buy it off you.'

'Is it harsh? I don't think so. You'd walk away from the marriage with a stack of cash and Briony. I wouldn't sell the house, that was my parents. There's no scenario where we break up and you end up with that house.'

'James! I don't want to break up. I thought we were making progress with sorting all of this out. Most men would love a woman to tell them they want their children. We've been married nearly fifteen years and I'm still saying to you 'I love you. I want to be with you, and I want to have your children.' You say you love me, so why the hell won't you have children with me.'

James didn't answer immediately. He could see Louise was getting upset and his flat refusal had left all three women surprised and confused. He wasn't quite sure how to articulate what he was feeling on the subject. He knew the answer was 'not a snowball's chance in hell,' he could feel that. But how to explain that so they got it. That was proving to be more of a challenge.

'No-one on this planet can make me have children if I don't want to. I love you. I'm happy, despite all the lies and the betrayal, to spend the rest of my days with you. Reflecting the responsibility, I have to Nita and the family we have together. But have kids together? No thanks.'

'James' Nita spoke up again. 'I think we're all struggling to understand the why. I think we can all see your strength of feeling on this, but it'd be helpful if you could expand on why you're feeling this way.'

'Does the why matter? It's my choice and I've made it. I get the three of you don't like it, perhaps don't understand it. I don't think the why of this is important.'

'It's a big 'No.', perhaps if there was an explanation, then that'd help the 'no' be a bit more bearable.'

James took a slow, deep breath in.

'I'll try. I don't think this will help, but you want the why.'

He took a drink of the wine in front of him, thinking how to put his feelings into words.

'The request, given how it's being made, doesn't feel like it respects me. I feel like I'm a stud racehorse being trotted out to do my duty. I don't think you've thought about how this comes across when you make this demand. It's like the sleeping together thing at Christmas. It all seems reasonable to you, but from where I sit, it's totally disrespectful.'

'I've been telling you for years that I want a child or a family. I want to be a mother and raise children, your children. I'm sorry if I'm a little repetitive or shrill but I feel like you're ignoring what I want.'

'Now you know I'm not ignoring it; I'm saying I don't want it.'

'James!' Louise's last word was a howl of protest. Everyone could see how hard she was struggling to keep from crying.

'Let's see if I can help with the why. I offered you children, you give up Briony and I'd give you the children. You said 'No.' Or rather, you never said 'No,' you never answered. You castigated me for giving you the choice. As far as I'm concerned, you had the choice of having children with me, but you found the price too high to pay. You chose not to have the children. Now you're demanding that I give you what you want. You're still not prepared to pay a price.'

He shook his head.

'No, No, No. You had the chance, repeatedly and you knocked it back.'

'That's not fair.'

'How? How the fuck have I not been fair?'

'Why should I give up Briony to have children?'

'Um, lets fucking take a moment to think about this. Why should you giving up your lover be a condition for having children with your husband? Hmmmm, I don't know. Pretty fucking unreasonable of me, now you ask. Have children in a loving relationship? One where the parents are committed to each other and open with each other? Hmmm, now you mention it I am being fucking unreasonable.'

James stood up a banged his glass down onto the table.

'Ladies, I'm going bed. I appreciate that there's more conversation to be had. But if you try and push me now, I promise you, it won't go the way you want it to. Nita, please can you show our guests to their room. Good night, ladies.'

James walked out of the room.

Chapter Nine -- Is it better to know?

They spent Saturday together as a family. They took the tram into Manchester and spent the day walking around the city, showing off its different sights. With two young children there were plenty of stops for cakes and drinks. James could see that Louise and Briony were picking up on how cosmopolitan Manchester was and he grinned. He knew it was the kind of place they'd love if they gave it a chance.

'Are we going to talk tonight?' Louise asked him as they walked together, both holding one of Jas's hands.

'I wasn't going to, I thought tonight we'd hit the town. Go out and have a bit of fun the four of us. I've got Nita's mum to have the kids overnight and I thought we could talk Sunday morning before we picked the kids up. Does that work for you two? That should mean you can drive back and get home mid to late Sunday afternoon. Schools back on Monday, isn't it?'

Sunday morning saw the adults sat around the table. Saturday night had been a real blast. Manchester has a thriving gay scene and the two ladies from Letchworth hadn't really been out somewhere like that. All four had danced, drunk, eaten and laughed their full. The hard conversations had been put to one side, just as they had when the children had been around and everyone focussed on spending quality time together.

James found it hard watching Louise and Briony together, just as he could see Louise struggling when he was with Nita and the children. He wasn't surprised at how good both Louise and Briony were with the girls. Both children responded well to the new adults, happy to talk with them and share what they were doing.

'Thanks for this weekend, James. I've really enjoyed it.' Briony started.

'You're welcome and I mean that. It's killed me that you guys have stayed away for so long. Work forced me here in the beginning, but I love the place as much as Letchworth. Different vibe but real part of who I am.'

'I think if we'd realised ...' Louise trailed off.

'Yeah. With the lack of honesty, it would've been difficult.' James said, anticipating where she was going to go with the comment before it had trailed off.

'Right' Nita said. 'Let's get down to it. Where are we? All of us can live with the status quo. However, Louise, there's a question around children. You want them, James you don't. That seems to be the sticking point. Louise, are you still in the same place about wanting children?'

Louise shrugged her shoulders 'This is important to me. I want to be a mother. I want to raise a family.'

'James, have you had any different thoughts on the topic?'

James shook his head.

'OK. So how do we get past this? Can we get past this? Briony, do you have any thoughts on this?'

Briony leant forward. She spoke slowly, lingering over the words.

'For me, I guess, I'm on the same page as Louise. I think the question for me is what's going to change your mind, James? You know that Louise would be a brilliant mum. I'm there with her when you're not and even when you are. Her parents would love you to have children, hell, my parents would love it as well. Nita doesn't mind. So how do we change your mind?'

James ignored her question. He turned to Nita. 'Where are you on this?'

'I don't think it's a big deal. For me anyway. I have the family I want and as long as we get the time with you and don't become a second-class family, then I'm kind of more on their side. What harm does it do? Plenty of sex with Louise to get her pregnant? That's not a hardship for you. I know you love kids and you're a brilliant dad. You know how many times you work from home so you can spend days with the girls and you love that time.'

'We always said what was Letchworth stays there and the same with Manchester and you've honoured that. When we're together I don't think you're with Louise, you're with me. You don't text me or call me when you are in Letchworth. Its two separate worlds. I don't feel threatened by you two having a child together. Now we're coming together as a group, if anything, it will be better. We can bond over the child.'

She paused for a moment to take a sip of her tea.

'I get where Louise is coming from. That desire to have a child is strong, powerful. For women, it's a really strong pull. I can feel you've got strong feelings about this, but why jeopardise what we've potentially got now over this? For me, give her the kids and we can all enjoy ourselves.'

'OK. Thanks.'

It had gone pretty much the way that he thought it would. The three of them holding a different opinion about it from his. He was a bit surprised with Nita, he thought she'd be with him. They didn't understand his world view, not on this.

'My feelings haven't changed and I'm not sure how we move forward. You want them and I'm clear I don't.'

'How would you feel if she had them with someone else?' Briony asked, a faint smile played on her face as she asked the question.

'Ummm. Good question. I think that ... if she wants a baby it's going to be with someone other than me and it'll be outside our marriage. Our marriage would be over, no discussion. As soon as I find out Louise's pregnant, I would divorce.'

'What if you're the dad?'

'It'd be against my wishes and I'm not good with that. It would end the marriage.'

'So, I have two choices. Stay with you and not have children or leave you and have children.'

'Yeah, I guess.'

'That's a really shitty choice you're giving me.'

'I know. You could've given up Briony to have had children and we know what choice you made. You chose not to have children. Now I'm giving you the same choice but it's me or children. For Briony you said no to the children, she was more important. How are you going to choose this time? Am I more important?'

He watched as Louise understood. He saw her face fall and a wave of pain wash over it.

'It's not the only piece behind me saying no, Louise. But it's in the mix.'

'Briony couldn't give me children, you can. Also, I was not saying no to children, I was just not accepting that choice. It's different.'

He shook his head. 'Nope. If you'd given up Briony, I'd have had children with you. You'd have shown me that a life with me was more important than your life with Briony. You didn't. You showed me that at that time, your relationship was more important than children with me. When I saw that, the answer was clear, if the relationship with me isn't paramount, the most important, then I don't want to bring children into it.'

'I can love both of you. I do love both of you.'

'Yeah, but she's the number one. I'm not having children with someone that I'm second choice for.'

'You're not my second choice. I married you.'

'You couldn't marry Briony. Not when we got married. It wasn't legal, was it?'

'I didn't want to marry her, I wanted to marry you.'

'Yeah, but it wasn't a marriage, was it? There was no forsaking all others was there? From day one, from before we got married you were cheating on me. We were in two different relationships. Or rather I was, I just didn't realise it for a long time.'