Celia

My birthday was in July. My parents told me that they wanted to buy me presents.

"Look, I won't tell you what to do. However, please be absolutely sure to tell Celia to not even think of buying me something. It won't go well. If you have such ideas in your head, purge. Do you understand me? This is very, very serious" I said. Of course Celia was there and saw and heard everything. She did a double take. My Dad got agitated.

"What is all this, Bobby? She is your sister, of course she will buy you a present!" he said with conviction.

"Now hear me out and hear me good. If you want to buy me a present, I will accept it. If mom does, I will accept it. If Celia does, I won't, under ANY circumstances, accept it. So please make sure you tell her that and help her see the light" I said.

"But... but... she's your sister!" said Mom.

"I don't have a sister."

Silence. A gasp from an open-mouthed, wide-eyed Celia.

"What did you just say, young man?" asked my Dad.

"I said, I. HAVE. NO. FUCKING. SISTER! I do speak English, don't I?" I said, getting angrier by the second.

"Celia is your sister, and you will stop this nonsense right now!" said Mom, pretty angry.

"She may be your daughter, the 'fake child' as she herself has said repeatedly all these years, but that's your prerogative. She sure as hell ain't no sister of mine. I have no sister. If you try to shove this down my throat, I am leaving. I will cut ties with both of you for life" I said.

Shocked silence.

"What did you just say???" yelled Dad. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"I'll tell you exactly what. Nothing. Nothing is wrong with me. Her presence in your lives was and is your decision. Her presence in mine is my decision, and I don't want anything to do with her. My decision is for her to not exist in my world. In other words, she may be your daughter, or not, you figure this out, not my problem, but as far as I am concerned, she doesn't exist. Ergo, no sister."

More shocked silence. I could see Celia having been reduced to heaving, sobs and tears at the outer ridges of my field of vision. I truly felt nothing.

"I did not raise you to be like that. To say such incredibly hurtful things. How could you do that to your sister!" said Mom.

"I HAVE NO SISTER! Didn't I just say so?!?" I answered very angrily.

*SLAP*

Mom slapped me across the face. In front of Celia.

I completely lost it. I went berserk. I started screaming in absolute, total rage. I grabbed the 100-pound solid-wood table and threw it out the side door, as if it were made of paper. I kicked and completely destroyed the lower cupboard, punched and obliterated the upper cupboard. I punched the Fridge and almost destroyed the door. The solid, metal door. I was foaming in the mouth. All three had cowered at the far end of the kitchen, almost having pissed themselves.

Once I got a hold of myself and saw the destruction, I knew I had to leave before something really bad happened. I was in a position to inflict very heavy damage to people that I truly didn't want to. I was in a fragile state of mind and I understood that, so I left the house for everybody's sakes.

--------------------------------------------------------------

I called my friend and fellow classmate Stan Rollins and told him I needed to crash there for a few days. He agreed. Since I now had temporary shelter, I took my bike and started searching for work. Mr Pickens wanted a hand in moving stuff in the storeroom; after I explained my situation to him and assuring him there would be no trouble, I had work. Stan lived alone, as his parents had left for the summer, so we had his house for ourselves. I was free. And, most of all, no Celia.

I knew that as soon as school started, I would have to go back home. I truly didn't want to do that after everything that happened, so I decided to get myself emancipated as soon as possible. I was to be sixteen in a few days anyway, so I could be legally emancipated if I wished to be. And after the shit that happened at home, I would definitely want to be.

In the meantime my phone blew up. Mom and Dad called me all the time and sent messages. I don't know about Celia as I had blocked her number. The messages were pretty pissed. As time passed, they became more and more frantic as to my well-being and whereabouts. So, to spare them the cardiac arrest, I sent them both a message that said that I was OK, I was staying with a friend, and I wanted them to leave me alone. They didn't listen so I turned the phone off.

Next day, I went to work. It was a hectic day, from sunup to sundown. I was pretty dead by the time I went to my friend's house. I sent my parents an email that I was fine and not to bother calling or messaging me. The pattern continued for the rest of the week. On Saturday morning I had the full week's pay and with that I went to a family lawyer to learn about my emancipation. I explained my situation and of course he found my reaction pretty extreme. Once I explained that there was no going back for me, he told me exactly how to go about the procedure, with filing the petition with the court system and all. He told me to wait till my birthday to do so.

Sunday was all fun and games with Stan, and then back to work come Monday morning.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Tuesday was my birthday. Mom and Dad sent me birthday wishes and said that my presents were waiting at home for me, and to please return. I asked them how many presents. Mom answered 'three'. I asked who of them bought me two presents. She answered 'None'. So Celia bought me a present after all.

Why is it so hard for people to listen?

I sent them a message and told them that I would not return at home. Of course my phone blew up, and I turned it off.

Wednesday morning found me filing the petition in court, paying the fee and then going back to work. It was there that the police came, arrested me and took me to the police station. My parents came and took me to their house - not my home anymore, as far as I was concerned.

They didn't speak at all as we went home, except Dad that said I was grounded except school-related activities till I was a legal adult. I never told him that I would soon be one anyway. I just kept my mouth shut. Once at home I went to my room without a word and locked the door behind me. I could hear music coming from Celia's room, so I knew she was there.

In my room I found three boxes. The first one was a shirt, something that was what Mom usually bought me. The other one was a watch, most definitely Dad. The third was a book, "Anger and Forgiveness, fourth edition" by a Doctor So-and-So. That was most definitely not Mom or Dad.

The very first thing that came to mind was to burn the book. I fantasized me going in front of her, cutting the book to shreds, just like she did with my flower when I was little, and going back to my room. It did feel good. I half-decided to do exactly that but I was still curious as to the content of the book, so I opened it. It had a written dedication in Celia's handwriting on the first white page. It said:

"Bobby,

"I know you are angry, and you have every right to be. I am so, so very sorry for how I have treated you all these years. Everything you said was well deserved. I am so, so sorry, more than you will ever know. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me, though I don't deserve it. I know you won't believe me if I tell you, and I can't blame you for that, but I love you so, so much, it hurts. xxx Celia xxx".

I couldn't believe my eyes. This is beyond crazy. For one, the only way that Celia wrote this was if she was possessed by an angel, as she already was a demon on her own. On the other hand, if I was to be honest, from the time that the Mandy incident happened, I had already erased her from my life, and it was quite some months ago. Maybe she had a change of heart after that time and I was too oblivious to notice. Yes, it did serve her right. But still.

I read and re-read that dedication. I tried to listen to her speak these words in my mind, and I just couldn't. I couldn't, for the life of me, hear her voice saying these words. It is as if someone else wrote them and pretended it was Celia.

'Well, that's a good thought. Let's put it to the test' I thought.

--------------------------------------------------------------

I knocked at her door late in the afternoon. I heard a faint "Who is it?" from inside.

"Come to my room" I said.

"B... Bobby?" she asked. I didn't answer. I just went to my room and closed the door behind me. A few moments later, she knocked at the door.

"Enter" I said. She did.

I couldn't believe my eyes. She was, for lack of a better term, a total mess. Her eyes were puffy and red, with black circles under them. She seemed thinner than usual. The look she gave me was somewhere between extreme sorrow, and... love?

OK, so this is the twilight zone. Officially.

She just stood there and looked at me. Her lips trembled a bit, as did her hands.

"I told you I wanted no gift from you. Why did you buy me one?" I asked her.

"I... I thought... I... I'm s... sorry B... Bobby..." is all she managed to say and she collapsed on the floor in front of the bed bed and cried. If misery had a picture, hers was too miserable to qualify. Damn. I hated her guts but couldn't bear to see her like that.

"Get a grip. I called you because I want to see something for myself" I told her.

"W...what?" she asked in between the sobs.

"I want to hear you read what you wrote in the book. I am here now, so I want you to read it for me."

Her expression slowly changed. She showed determination. She slowly got herself together.

"I... I don't need to read it, Bobby. I know it by heart. Do... do you want me to recite it for you?"

"Yes. Please do."

"Actually, the note is a bit... abridged. May I recite the unabridged version? P... Please?" she said.

Curiosity got the better of me..

"Sure, go ahead. Stage is yours" I said.

She unsuccessfully tried to make herself a bit more presentable and cleared her throat.

"My dearest Bobby" she said and looked me in the eye.

Jesus H. Christ Almighty. Twilight zone was a walk in the park compared to this.

"I... I know you are angry. As in t... terminally angry with me. God kn...knows that you have every right to be. You can't imagine how s... sorry I am for th... the way I have t... treated you a... all th... these y...years..." she said with her lips and hands trembling progressively more and more until the very end of the sentence, where she just collapsed crying. She continued amongst her sobs, heaves and wails.

"I... I am so s... sorry for c... crushing the flower you gave me as a present when you were the m...most adorable little boy, w... when you gave the flower to me with all your love and I... I crushed it like the w... worst bitch in history of humankind! For h...hurling the meals you prepared for me when I was s... sick, answering your love with my self-hatred! For m... making y... your life a living hell ALL these years, when your only c... crime was t... to love me! For driving M... Mandy away from you! For t... treating you like g... garbage, when you w... were the only p... person in the world to ever love me for w... who I was, without expecting anything from me! I am so, so, so sorry B... Bobby!" she said and wailed.

I couldn't move. I was beyond shocked. I tried to say something but she didn't let me.

"P... Please, l... let me finish..." she said and got herself together. "Dear... dearest Bobby, I know that ev... everything you said was true and well-deserved. You were correct in everything. I am so sorry, more than you'll ever know. Please believe me Bobby! My heart is broken by how much pain I have caused the only person in the world who loved me from birth! I held you when you were born, and couldn't not love you, such an adorable baby. And then I g... got jealous and s... scared, and feared that Mom and Dad would return me back where they f... found me, and I hated you! I h... hated that you were what I wanted to be and I couldn't, a real child of our parents. I was the little bastard from the Institution, that's how some children called me in school... Still, none of this is your fault... I am so, so unimaginably sorry, Bobby! I w... wish I was never born, so that I wouldn't cause you so m... much pain!"

What???

"I h... hope that you find it in your big, warm, golden heart of yours to find a semblance of f... forgiveness someday f... for me. I know I d... don't deserve it, but I c... can only hope that you give this awful, u...undeserving, s...sorry excuse of a human a ch...chance", she said. Then she looked me dead in the eye and said with conviction:

"You c...cannot imagine how m...much you mean to me and h...how much I l...love you and to w...what end, Bobby. If... if you knew, you w...would be scared. I love you s...so much that it hurts. My soul is in p...pain from how much I love you and w...what ways I love you and how m...much you mean to me and how imp...portant you are in my life, in ways that you wouldn't b...believe. L...lovingly and always y...yours to the b...bitter end, your C...Celia."

Total numbness. I was shocked beyond words. No rage left inside me any more. No desire to hurt her. Just an empty feeling of... desolation? My heart ready to explode, my blood pressure either super high or super low, or... Shit, I needed to think.

"I... I need to clear my head. I w... will go for a ride..." is all I could say. She started crying again, a true mess. I couldn't comfort her. I couldn't... function. I needed some air. So I left the house on my bike.

I almost left town. Last minute I decided to come back. When I returned home all lights were off. I figured everyone was asleep. I went to the bathroom, had a shower and went to bed. Celia was not in my room thankfully.

I slept like a log.

--------------------------------------------------------------

I woke up with a frantic need for water, so after my usual morning business I went downstairs to the kitchen. Nobody was there. I drank three glasses of water to quench my thirst. Then I went to my room again. I heard some noise from Celia's room. I knocked the door.

"Hello?" she said.

"You wanna talk?" I asked her.

"B... Bobby! Y... Yes, of course! P... please come in!" she said.

I opened her door. I looked at her and my heart sank. She was in a worse state than yesterday, if that was even possible. Immediately I though of all those girls that went anorexic from some type of trauma and died. My heart broke in the though of something like that ever happening to her. No matter how much of a bitch she was... or had been in the past - twilight zone again - I didn't want harm to come her way. I would be devastated and would probably never recover if that happened. After all, under all the hate, I still cared for her. From the day I was born. As she said yesterday. Why the hell did she have to stir up those memories?

"What happened to you?" I asked her.

"W... what do you mean?" she asked.

"Why... why all this? Why the change of heart? Why you suddenly love me and, as you said, in ways that would scare me, when you hated my guts and destroyed my life and killed my feelings all these years? And for the love of God, why... why do you suffer? You never, ever suffered when inflicting pain to me - you thrived on it! Why and why now, Celia? I am literally at my wits end here! Just tell me. Why?"

She took a pensive look, her eyes moistened and tears started adorning her face. I just felt an overwhelming need to hold her and help her be better, but wouldn't move an inch.

"I know you won't believe me when I say this, but I... I have always adored you, from the moment I first saw you. You were a little baby, and when Mom tried to hold you, you cried so much... but then I held you and you looked at me, grabbed my finger and threw me a smile! I was only four years old, but I felt love! I remember this to this day! I couldn't get enough of you! Then, Mom and Dad had to constantly take care of you, and I had no access to you except if they were in the mood, and they usually weren't, as they were so tired. I missed you so much. And then, they totally forgot about my needs. I was just a little girl, and I needed them too. But they basically dealt with you and left me to my own devices. Not their best moment, I can definitely attest to that. Although a baby has needs, I understand. But feelings are feelings, I guess, and I was too young to really get it."

I nodded. I mean, I can imagine it would have been difficult for her. Being the center of attention and then being on the background overnight. They should have been better, she didn't deserve it.

"By the time you were five" she continued "I had taught myself to resent you. You were their biological child. I had learned that I was adopted, and I felt... like an usurper of sorts. You were the rightful child. I was a foreign person that lived with them because of the goodness of their heart, but I couldn't compete with you. You were the heir. I was the outcast, the fake one. And then what did you do? You brought me that flower!" she said and broke down crying. "You killed me. Everything I was thinking against you, you crushed with that beautiful smile and your flower, the sweetest, most pure show of love. It was as if you said 'I love you, Celia!', your eyes told me that too. But I didn't deserve it! I was the fake child, you were too young and stupid to know any different. So I put you in your place, or, for a better description, I put me in my place. I crushed your flower, and you in the process. And me twice as hard! And then left to my room and cried and cried... I cried because I hurt you, and I cried because I loved you and you loved me and I didn't deserve you, or our parents, or to be there... I just wanted to die. I actually thought of ways to... end it all."

I couldn't breathe. This was so damn deep my head was about to spin. She was a beautiful little girl of nine and was contemplating suicide? What the actual fuck...

"When I first got sick, everything hurt. I mean, everything. I hurt from my hair to my toenails. So much pain. I just wanted to die to end the non-stop suffering. And there you were, my sweet little angel, preparing food for me! You cannot imagine the self-loathing that I had at that time. Everything I mentioned before, plus the fact that I was a useless sickly kid, incapable of anything but laying in a bed and suffering. And who did I punish yet again? You! It was so bad that, again, all I thought was ending it."

My heart was breaking every time I heard her say all these moments. I had lived through them from the other side. Her side was pretty shitty to. It didn't atone for her actions, but she truly was in an unfairly bad shape for her age at that time.

"The only thing that made me feel somewhat special was school, were I was a year older than the other kids in my class. My former classmates were up a year being the same age as I and, although they knew I was not a bad student and I missed a year due to health reasons, still they treated me like a second-class citizen. So, I treated my own classmates like pariahs, and of course they loved me. I let them feed my ego and made them make me feel important. This was a good foundation to finally base my self-loathing and resentment of you. Everything went downhill from then and on.

"When I was sick again, every bad feeling I had was magnified. I felt so deeply unhappy, so helpless, so... desolate. Still, after everything I ever did to kill your soul, you still prepared food for me. I hated myself so much for once again being a burden to everybody, and then seeing you that I tortured actually show me love, it was too fucking much. It was a period of... how can I say this... total darkness. My life was not black and white. It was only pitch black. No light. I was certain that I needed to exit stage so that you all, and especially you, don't have a burden and a source of pain. I loved you so much but hated myself so damn much - and by extension, you, so much - and yet you loved me and you couldn't understand why I treated you so badly, and... and... I only wished... no, pleaded, wanted to die! I... I..."