Celia

She just lost it. She cried deeply, from deep within. She was living in such an awful batch of shitty feelings. I couldn't keep myself away this time. I went there and slowly sat beside her on the bed, and offered to hug her. She looked at me not really believing her eyes, and then threw herself onto me, finally letting herself go and breaking down completely. She screamed and wailed, holding me with all the force she could muster.

"I'm sorry! I'm so, so sorry! Please forgive me!" she said again and again while hugging me with all her strength for real life. She just couldn't stop; heaving, sobbing, wailing, and crushing me in her hug, wetting my clothes with her tears and making my soul bleed.

At some point, she started behaving strangely. She didn't just hug me and cry, asking for forgiveness. She started kissing me at various parts of my face, saying that she loved me. After that she resumed asking for forgiveness. All in all, a gut-wrenching event that took every once of my willpower to not go crazy. It actually took the better part of half an hour for her to get under control. When she got her faculties under control, she resumed talking, always holding my hand.

"The final show of my total shittiness was Mandy. I knew you liked her, and by God, did she like you. She was so into you. And I wanted to kill her, since you were the one I loved more than anything and hated more than anything at the same time and that I wanted to destroy, and still I knew you were way, way too good for her. Hell, you are far too good for any bitch in school. Nobody deserves you. Least of all me, as I have been the worst."

"You? What do you mean?" I asked her, surprised.

"You were better than all of us combined, Bobby. You are a pure soul. We are all damaged and have issues. Even Mandy, who seemed so cool. She has issues you wouldn't imagine. In a sense, and of course you can most definitely hate me for what I did, but I did you a favor. I didn't pair her up with anyone by the way. She did it on her own. She even tried to diss you one day. I almost killed her."

"I heard that you guys had a falling out of sorts", I said.

"It was about you. Of course I never let the incident's details go to you. I wanted you to suffer too, for liking yet another damaged girl. I know it will sound stupid and deranged; just please keep in mind that all this hurt me too, so much..."

"I can only imagine" I said. "My job was easy, to hate your guts for blocking me from the girl I liked. Yours was a much more complex position, as I see now."

"Very true, Bobby. Exactly. And then you had enough. I mean, even from the start of the school year, when you showed how classy you are, that day when Mom wanted me to drive you. You never said anything bad about me, just told Mom to mind her own business and leave me alone. I was super angry, sad, depressed but also so impressed by what a great young man you have become, taking shit from nobody but not even badmouthing your own tormentor. Still, just a few weeks later I did the shit with Mandy. I saw a change in your behavior from that point and on. It was as if I didn't exist. As if you shut me out of your world. That is when I knew that I had shot myself in the foot; my bullshit succeeded. I lost you for good."

"But you did everything to shove me as away from you as possible. What did you expect to happen, Celia? A person can take so much before they just... decide that enough is enough. This is what happened to me. I decided that I wouldn't take anything from anyone anymore, certainly not from you" I said.

"Of course, Bobby. I don't blame you. You are the one and only innocent party in all this. You were guilty of three things, no, scratch that, actually four things. One, you are a pure soul with a big heart with a ton of love. Two, you loved me from the moment you saw me, and kept loving me no matter how shitty I was to you. Three, you didn't care that people like me or even Mandy are damaged people, which of course got you into a world of pain."

"... and? You said 'four things'" I said.

"... That last one I will keep to myself, if you don't mind. It has to do with me alone, and I would like to keep it that way" she said, peaking my curiosity.

"Why? If it has to do with me, it concerns me as well. I need to know" I said.

"... Let's just say that I don't think I have a right to disclose that information. It is pretty sensitive and way too personal, and you don't really have any say in that. I mean, no matter what you say or do, you cannot influence the outcome in any way in that regard, so I would like to keep it all for myself. It isn't nor should it be your burden."

"OK, Celia. As you wish. Let's leave it alone... for now. But I have a feeling that we'll get to it sooner or later" I said.

"I honestly hope not..." was her enigmatic reply.

"OK, as I said, for now. Now tell me something else. Why all this now? Why the sudden change of attitude after your graduation?" I asked her.

"All this time that you had effectively erased me from your existence, rightfully so if I may add, I was seething inside. I so much wanted to talk to you, to share my true feelings with you, to help you understand... me, how I feel, why I was such a bitch to you all this time, the stuff with Mandy, everything. I had actually created a whole plan in my head. I wanted, after the graduation ceremony, to be alone with you, to... to talk about stuff. To get you to talk to me. To build bridges together, the ones I burned. To help you learn the real me, to ask for your forgiveness in person. I couldn't live with myself the past few months, and it has been increasingly difficult to find you somewhere so that we can talk. Plus the fact that you didn't really want to even look at me. It was stupid and too little, too late, from my part, I know. But I really wanted to do that, and of course it never happened. Still, you were never to blame for that. The fault, once again, is on my shoulders alone" she said.

"... Celia... can you understand the shock these last few days? Everything I knew went upside down. I don't know what to think. I... I need time to process all this. But I believe that, if you truly care as you said, there is a chance for us to make it. I don't know..."

She looked at me, smiled, hugged me tight and said:

"Don't you forget one thing. No matter what it looks like, I love you so much that my heart bleeds. All the time. If there is one thing to take from all this, this is it. Please remember it, no matter what happens, OK?"

"... OK Celia. I will try. It is one helluva paradigm shift, but I will try."

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My parents were pretty shocked to receive the summons from the court, about my emancipation. I had totally forgotten about having filed it. It was a bit of a nasty surprise for them, but I had warned them when I left the house. Needless to say, a hastily organized family council session took place.

"You actually filed for your emancipation... I can't believe this... Are we that bad as parents to you?" Mom asked me.

"Have you any idea how we feel? It is like you... you defecate on our faces!" said Dad.

"Mom! Dad! Stop talking to him that way!" shouted Celia, and left all of us speechless. We honestly looked at each other in wonder, saying nothing.

"Bobby is the only one not at fault here. I am the main culprit, and you didn't help at all. Instead of helping, you alienated him. Don't you remember that day? How can you possibly blame him for all that?" she said, looking our parents in the eye.

"... Celia, baby... he went berserk that day! And he left the house, and now this! You see all that as justified?" asked Mom.

"Actually, I see it as a tempered response to something that deeply hurt him. You slapped him, Mom! And he was right in everything he said! You forget that?" said Celia.

"But... but... he was mad at YOU!" said Dad, totally at a loss for words.

"So what? Was he wrong? He most definitely was not! He was right! And in response to that, he got slapped! What did you expect for a behavior like that?" asked Celia and officially sent me to the loony bin. I honestly couldn't believe my eyes and ears. Celia was fighting for me against our parents. This was beyond surreal.

"Mom, Dad" I interjected. "The reason I filed for emancipation is because you only want things done your way. You don't care what I want or how I want things for myself. It is either your way or the highway. So I chose the highway. And I was doing fine, but you had to have me ARRESTED the day after my birthday. Is this some minor detail to you?" I asked them.

No response. Celia couldn't leave that alone.

"Can you imagine that you had your own son arrested? For daring to live alone and work and make a better man of himself? How can you have done something as hugely... evil as that, and then start blaming him for everything, when it was you that practically forced him out in the first place? I truly cannot understand this!" she cried.

Absolute silence. As far as I was concerned, I was sure that I lived in a parallel dimension. No other way around this. Beyond crazy.

"As a show of good faith" I said, "I will postpone the whole process. However, if you continue treating me this way, I'm out. Are we clear on this?" I asked them.

After some awkward silence, both parents agreed. Tentatively at best, but agreed. I then left to the lawyer to take care of the whole affair. When I came back, they were not in the house. Celia was in her room. I had to see her. I knocked her door.

"Yes?" she asked.

"It's me. Can I come in?"

"Of course! My door is always open for you, Bobby!" she said.

OK, yet another level of crazy. I opened the door, and thanked her. I was for a mild surprise. She was dressed. Like, dressed to kill. She definitely was a super gorgeous young woman, no doubt about that. A true ten. Perfection personified.

"Wow... you look... amazing! You're getting ready for a date?" I asked.

"Yes. I am taking the person I love the most in the world out on a date!" she said, smiling.

"... oh, great. Let me leave so you get ready then. Have fun."

"You go get ready now, Bobby! I don't want to be late!" she said.

"... I'm sorry, I don't follow. Why should I get ready?" I asked her.

"Who is the person I love the most in the world, dufus?" she asked me playfully, but with an intense look in the same time.

"... I suppose you will enlighten me?" I asked her back.

"What did I tell you to always remember, no matter what?" she asked me seriously.

"That you lo... oh... so the date is actually with... me??" I asked, wondering if I have taken too much LSD in some previous life.

"As I say time and time again, men are the denser sex. No doubt about that, scientifically proven. Now go get dressed. Dress good towards casual. Meet me downstairs in fifteen. Now go!" she said and ushered me out the door.

I just went through the motions. I honestly expected a camera crew shouting "Candid Camera!" or, if the LSD hypothesis proved right, a dragon to pass me by and maybe shit a ton somewhere where I would have to shovel for a week or something equivalent. None of the above happened, so I did as was told and waited. When she appeared, she looked even better than before. I honestly couldn't stop looking. She looked good for a cover photo for a fashion mag. Absolutely stunning.

"I think you need a better man than me for your date, Celia. You are way out of my league, like, wayyyyy out..." I said. She took a serious expression.

"Actually, you are way out of mine, Bobby. You are the best thing that could ever happen to me. The very best out there. Don't let anyone or anything convince you otherwise. You hear?"

"... thank you. I appreciate it" said I, still searching for the damn LSD infusion that was a sure thing by now.

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We actually had a smashing time. She took me to a movie, then an Italian restaurant, where I had my favorite dish of all time, pasta a la mafioso. She had an assortment of things that I couldn't even pronounce correctly to save my life. Through all that I kept thinking that all this was a farce. She noticed.

"What's up? A penny for your thoughts?" she asked me.

"... I don't know..."

"Did I do something wrong? I thought you are having a good time..." she said and started getting a pensive look.

"No, no, no. I had and still have an absolutely SMASHING time. I don't think I have felt this good in a long, long time" I said.

"Great then!" she said, smiling.

"That's exactly the problem" I said, pensively.

"W... why?" she asked with concern.

I took a deep breath.

"Celia, I... I don't know how to say this. This all is... is absolutely great. It is better than great actually. This is perfect. You are perfect. It... it all is too good to be true" I said.

I caught a tear getting ready to leave her eye.

"That's exactly my problem" I said. "I am waiting for the Candid Camera crew to pop out of some hidden place and announce that all of this is some joke. Or I will actually wake up and all this is a dream, and things between us are exactly as they have been all this time. For the first time in my life, I... I'm scared. I'm scared that all of this is a lie, Celia. It is so otherworldly, given our past history, that I don't know how to process it. This time I can definitely say the usual bullshit, but it is true: it isn't you, it's me" and I chuckled, bitterly.

She shed tears from both eyes. Then she looked at me with a look that I can only describe as... adoring. Not just loving, more than that.

"I am so sorry, Bobby. I truly am. Beyond words. I cannot possibly express how sorry I am for the way I have treated you. I cannot possibly express how much you mean to me, and I cannot possibly even begin to know how to express how much, how deeply and to what extent I love you. And the worst part is that, the more I say this, the more crazy it must sound, right?"

"I don't want to spoil the moment, but... yes. Exactly. The more you say stuff like that, and you take the expressions to convey that you mean everything you say, the more scared I become. Right now, I am scared shitless, to be honest..."

She shook her head, and tried hard not to cry loudly, but did cry a bit, albeit silently. Then she took a determined look and said a phrase that was to haunt me for the rest of my life:

"From now on, my life's mission is to convince you that everything I say is AT LEAST as I say it. It will take some time, but you know me. If I set my sights on something, it will happen. I will convince you, if it is the last thing I will ever do. Please remember that."

I truly didn't know how to answer that. Also that it seemed so... final, so serious, that answering it would be futile.

"I am full. Are you OK, food-wise? Let's go home and watch a movie together!" she said, lightening the mood. I concurred and we got up. She paid for everything and we left.

"Next time is on me" I said.

"Great!" she said and beamed a terawatt smile. "I will hold you to that!"

If the night so far was great, what awaited me at home was even better. Our parents were already in bed, so we basically had the house to ourselves. Celia asked me about what kind of movie I wanted, I said that since she took me out, I would let her choose this time, and she did. A light comedy. She told me to make myself comfortable, so I sat on the sofa, at my usual place. She came beside me, which was an all-time first, as she usually sat at the other end of the room. Not only did she sit beside me, but she snuggled up tightly to me and covered both of us with the blanket. She looked heavenly, she smelled heavenly and most of all, she acted heavenly.

I couldn't help it. I just looked at her as the movie was progressing. She alternated between the movie and looking at me, with the same adoring expression as before. At some point she hugged me very tight, without apparent reason. She glued herself on me and we watched the movie almost as one, tightly knit body. I liked the sensation so much. The shitty thing is that, the more she behaved like this, the more I was afraid that something would happen and the Celia I knew all these years would emerge. As if she knew by instinct, whenever I thought in such pattens, she would just tighten the hug, kiss my face somewhere and whisper that she loved me.

The whole experience was beyond surreal. But nice surreal, I gotta admit.

After the movie ended, she took me to my room, kissed me on the cheek for goodnight and left for her room.

I dressed for sleep and I slept well. I felt... happy. I also felt things that I probably shouldn't feel, about her. But that was my burden to bear.

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We had similar dates all through the summer until I started Junior year and Celia left for UPenn for a major in Psychology. I focused heavily on my studies. It was about October that nobody else but her royal highness Mandy came to talk to me. Yes, THAT Mandy.

"How can I help you?" I asked her.

"Can we talk?" she asked.

"What about?" I asked back.

"... Can we talk over coffee? Not like this?" she asked. I agreed and we went to the cafe on the corner, outside school. No reason to have the whole student body hear in on the discussion.

"So, what did you want to talk about?" I asked,

"Us," she answered.

"What 'us'?"

"You and me, Bobby. Us" she answered a bit impatiently.

"I don't understand, Mandy. There has never been an 'us'. So what 'us' are you talking about?"

"OK, I deserve that. Last year I thought that... that there was something between us. A... a connection of sorts. Was I wrong?"

"No, you weren't wrong. Last year there seemed to be something going on between you and I. Please continue" I said.

"... does that emphasis on the 'last year' part imply something?" she asked.

"Of course it does, but that is beside the point in this discussion. Please continue along your original line of thought" I said.

"OK. Anyway... I thought we were interested in each other, and as it turns out, I was correct. But somehow we lost each other. Because of your sister."

"Actually, Mandy, it is because of you. Celia and I had issues at the time, which we no longer have by the way. But everything that happened did happen because YOU allowed it to happen. You volunteered to join her, and you most definitely volunteered to hook up with Jeremy. That was not Celia's work, that was all yours. And also, you actually started to spread bullshit about me, and Celia found out and she tore you a new asshole. As you see, Mandy dearest, I am very well informed. I know it all, so don't even try to paint someone who is not even around to defend themselves as the guilty party here. Your choices all the way."

"But..."

"No buts please. At the very least, own your own shit. Otherwise you are just insulting my intelligence, and we are all wasting our time here. And, personally, I absolutely hate to waste my time" I said and rose off my chair.

"Bobby, wait..." she said.

"Thanks, but no thanks, Mandy. No time to waste on stupid little games anymore. I have things to do with my life, places to go. I won't fuck this up for petty shit like that. If you won't own the shit you have done, there is no talking with you. Am I clear here?"

"Yes, but..."

"See you around" I said and left her agape.

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"You wouldn't believe who wanted to talk to me today" I said to Celia over Skype.

"Ha! Let me take a wild, wild guess... Mandy?" she said.

"Bingo! You are a clairvoyant!" I answered and we had a good laugh.

"Let me make an even wilder guess here... I was the reason it didn't work out between you two, right?" she said.